I recently left the church I had been attending for almost 15 years. This was not an easy decision for me and my family. But now, a few months later, we see that it was the best decision we could have made. I had alot of close friendships there which I have tried to unsuccessfully maintain. I felt that our friendships extended beyond the confines of a building but I guess I was being naive. Anyone else experienced this before. It's not that I'm regretting my decision at all, or looking back, but I do wonder now how genuine those friendships really were. :hmm:

I've experienced this before. I've lost friends when I have left a church. The worst thing is when those now ex-friends now believe that you have somehow 'lost your place in heaven' because you have left their church.

In the last 22 years I have been a part of several churches due to moves caused by work. There are only a handful of people that I keep any kind of regular contact with.

The church is the body of Christ, so if there is no relation outside of the building than its not really a church. I went to this big seekers church when I first began following Christ, and found myself very lonely because the relationships never left the building.

Their lips praised him, but there hearts were far from him.

I've experienced this before. I've lost friends when I have left a church. The worst thing is when those now ex-friends now believe that you have somehow 'lost your place in heaven' because you have left their church.

To me that's been probably the most difficult part. It's like somehow they think that because I'm not in "their" church any longer, that I'm somehow not right with God and have somewhat betrayed him. I wish that they would have just wished the best for me. So it's a bit disappointing. A few years ago I had a few friends who left to other churches, and I always kept up with them. At first they felt awkward talking to someone they had "left" but I assured them that what I wanted for their lives was that they would be serving God, and doing it wherever He called them.

I've experienced this before. I've lost friends when I have left a church. The worst thing is when those now ex-friends now believe that you have somehow 'lost your place in heaven' because you have left their church.If they truly believe that, that is a shame. It demonstrates either that they aren't paying attention to what is being taught by the pastors or that the pastors' teaching is shallow.

I am not changing churches - but am experiences similar problems. I've been based at an Anglican church for about 4 months?, but i like to worship/ praise in other churches as well.

All new churches are nice and if you go along and just do the service you are welcomed and all goes well.

However if you have any time to talk, the problems begin. You are welcome as a guest - but if you want to come more often you'll have to see things our way, change this idea and that idea. It's not even lets look at this together and discuss - it's you will do this and soon!

Whereas i am learning to accept different churches and christians, which has been a huge problem for me - i fully admit, I am often told i am not acceptable must change - but not before God, but before men.

Which is why i could not commit to any church at the moment because i would have to see the bible through someone else's eyes/ interpretation. I thought that's why we have God's Spirit!

I am in danger of losing new friends if i don't come round to seeing things their way. I'll be sorry to lose them. :) SofTy.

If they truly believe that, that is a shame. It demonstrates either that they aren't paying attention to what is being taught by the pastors or that the pastors' teaching is shallow.

That is the problem. In many of these churches this is the type of teachings that are coming from the pulpits in the name of 'chosen one / remnant theology'

Leave one of those churches that practice this mentality and see what happens when tragedy hits your life and somehow becomes known to one of the church members. Your life becomes their pastor's next Sunday sermon about what happens to those who leave and how 'God's hand has been removed from their life' and the only way out is to come back to their church or they will miss the rapture..

The church is the body of Christ, so if there is no relation outside of the building than its not really a church. I went to this big seekers church when I first began following Christ, and found myself very lonely because the relationships never left the building.

Their lips praised him, but there hearts were far from him.

Not every church is like that. I still have friends in my mom and dads church and I have lived here 4 hrs from them for almost 2 years. Thats also why I try to make friends outside the church so I dont have to be confined to a building to have friends. My best friends are armywives, we live 3 to 6 hours away and we are very alike in our thinking. Its not about being friends with people in church, they are acquaintances. There is a BIG difference.

Last year God led us to change to another church. It was the hardest thing to do for me because I loved the people, enjoyed the sermons, and had a ministry there. We knew that God was calling us to this other church though even though we had no clue about this church other than a couple friends of ours attended it. But the urging for us to check it out was strong within me. We began attending both but eventually moved to our current one and now I see why...it was truly God leading us here.

We still keep in touch with others from there and a couple of the women there (one was a leader and one a member of the ministry my husband and I ran) have gone to lunch several times. Periodically we help that same ministry out when the one leader and her husband (they both took over the ministry when we left) have to go out of town. We chose to do this because we wanted to set that example that we are all one body in Christ and just because someone moves on to another church doesn't mean we stop being friends and helping out. We all work for the Lord. This has proven to be the best thing as whenever we see one of the other church's congregation members out in the community, they always come up to us (and we do as well) and speak with us. We love them all but God called us to help elsewhere.

Many times what you have described does happen sad to say. It shouldn't, but it does. Since you say you've tried, unsuccessfully, to maintain the friendships...I assume that means you've tried to call them to get together. Sad that it didn't happen. Friendships are suppose to go beyond the confines of the building. Do not let it discourage you in any way. Learn from it. You may have friends in this new church that changes churches. Remember this experience and remain friends with them. Things happen for a reason.

Thank you all so much for your input. This helps alot. I am looking forward to all the new relationships I'll have now in our new church. One thing I'm really looking forward to is in January I will be involved in the teaching ministry. That's one area I've been pretty good at. And it's nice to know that when I approached the leaders in church with my desire to serve, they were so grateful.

You already HAVE your answer. You had "functional relationships" like most of the ones in the workplace. Now that you are operating in a different venue, there's simply nothing left to base a relationship on - although in the coming years, you MAY WELL find that some of the folks WILL re-enter your life at a different level.

Nothing unusual here - just "people being people". People are normally selfish and self-absorbed, and MOST inter-personal human relationships are based on "Selfish need" at one level or another. RARELY they may grow into something else.

That's why it's important NOT to take other people too seriously, and focus on a relationship with Jesus as the source of your fulfillment.

You already HAVE your answer. You had "functional relationships" like most of the ones in the workplace. Now that you are operating in a different venue, there's simply nothing left to base a relationship on - although in the coming years, you MAY WELL find that some of the folks WILL re-enter your life at a different level.

Nothing unusual here - just "people being people". People are normally selfish and self-absorbed, and MOST inter-personal human relationships are based on "Selfish need" at one level or another. RARELY they may grow into something else.

That's why it's important NOT to take other people too seriously, and focus on a relationship with Jesus as the source of your fulfillment.


Yeah that's something I've come to understand recently too. When we moved here some 3 years ago I visited and then attended a solid bible believing church. And about 95% of what the Pastor said when I heard him preach or talk to him I agreed with. The other 5% are things that are personal convictions that I do not expect other people to believe, nor do I worry that I disagree on those points. However, over time my wife, our son, and I exchanged illnesses for the better part of a couple of months, and during that time when we were not able to regularly get to church we found ourselves separated from them.

Many times we'd try to connect with these people, but it was like they had their own Cliques formed and we being newcomers didn't belong. That was hard to cope with, but I did my best to try and be friendly to these folks once we got back to regular attendance. Well, then a number of things happened, and I began to notice certain behaviors in the congregation.

We began to realize there was a reason the Pastor kept railing against certain things (Gossping for example), and their hyper KJV only stance began to wear on me, because I began to feel like I was a second class citizen because I didn't believe that only the old KJV was appropriate to use for study. Because of this we were turned down on offers to help with Sunday School, the Youth Group, or Children's Church, and eventually we left that Church.

I've always been a person who believers that we are to spread the truth with love, and that to by hyper legalistic is to go to an extreme God never intended. We attend a different church now and are good friends with many in the Church, many who actually welcomed us and continue to converse with us even outside the halls. Something that never happened at the other church we were at for two years. Its a little dperessing though because, there are not a lot of people in my age group, and while I've always gotten along better with the generations before me, at times I yearn for more, but despite that we are thriving in this new church where before the ways of the people had become a stumbling block that stifled our Growth in Christ.

I know what you mean Veretax. For me it had been almost 15 years in our previous church. But it's ok. I'm learning to move on with my new life and new church. There are some great people here, and I have started to make some great friendships. In the end I know that it's my relationship with Jesus that matters most. But it is wonderful when you can share your faith with others. When you can spend time with like minded people, and share wonderful testimonies that bless others.

I had alot of close friendships there which I have tried to unsuccessfully maintain. I felt that our friendships extended beyond the confines of a building but I guess I was being naive. Anyone else experienced this before. It's not that I'm regretting my decision at all, or looking back, but I do wonder now how genuine those friendships really were. :hmm:

Seeking, My wife and I have just recently had this very thing to take place in our lives - our close friendships turned out to be not that close. The first thing that came to mind was the passage:

A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adveristy - so as not to go into detail we found out that these so-called friends were not what the bible says a friend is.

Not to pin roses on us but we will take our time (led of the Spirit) as to finding another church. Today, for the first time since 1969 we will have 'church' at home because of;...

God bless,

To me that's been probably the most difficult part. It's like somehow they think that because I'm not in "their" church any longer, that I'm somehow not right with God and have somewhat betrayed him. I wish that they would have just wished the best for me. So it's a bit disappointing. A few years ago I had a few friends who left to other churches, and I always kept up with them. At first they felt awkward talking to someone they had "left" but I assured them that what I wanted for their lives was that they would be serving God, and doing it wherever He called them.

I couldn't have said it better - of course not all are like that but yes!!! some do think exactly like that - we have only received one call and it was from a dear friend which I only said "It was time to leave"
That's been two weeks ago, we've been gone a month and no other calls?
Since it's the LORD we serve I intend to do this until He shows us where we can fellowship with others of like precious faith.

God bless,

You already HAVE your answer. You had "functional relationships" like most of the ones in the workplace. Now that you are operating in a different venue, there's simply nothing left to base a relationship on - although in the coming years, you MAY WELL find that some of the folks WILL re-enter your life at a different level.

Nothing unusual here - just "people being people". People are normally selfish and self-absorbed, and MOST inter-personal human relationships are based on "Selfish need" at one level or another. RARELY they may grow into something else.

That's why it's important NOT to take other people too seriously, and focus on a relationship with Jesus as the source of your fulfillment.

Bob, I agree with you to a point and as you say since we are all 'being people' we must learn to adjust since none of us as individuals are like the other. As time so are friends/acquaintances - when we bump into them here and there the absence will make the heart show it's true self.

God bless,

Yeah that's something I've come to understand recently too. When we moved here some 3 years ago I visited and then attended a solid bible believing church. And about 95% of what the Pastor said when I heard him preach or talk to him I agreed with. The other 5% are things that are personal convictions that I do not expect other people to believe, nor do I worry that I disagree on those points. However, over time my wife, our son, and I exchanged illnesses for the better part of a couple of months, and during that time when we were not able to regularly get to church we found ourselves separated from them. Ver, this was how it was when we started there five years ago - I use to be the pastor of the pastor there and (long story) submitted to him as my pastor. Over time the 5% increased and!!!


Many times we'd try to connect with these people, but it was like they had their own Cliques formed and we being newcomers didn't belong. That was hard to cope with, but I did my best to try and be friendly to these folks once we got back to regular attendance. Well, then a number of things happened, and I began to notice certain behaviors in the congregation. This, we knew of prior to joining and had hoped that things were now different 20 years down the road - but not so, too much family and 'cliques' so, well;...I'm sure you understand.


We began to realize there was a reason the Pastor kept railing against certain things (Gossping for example), and their hyper KJV only stance began to wear on me, because I began to feel like I was a second class citizen because I didn't believe that only the old KJV was appropriate to use for study. Because of this we were turned down on offers to help with Sunday School, the Youth Group, or Children's Church, and eventually we left that Church. WOW!!! It's as if you and I are 'twins' - even though I am KJV more so than any other version (40 years) I know what you mean.


I've always been a person who believers that we are to spread the truth with love, and that to by hyper legalistic is to go to an extreme God never intended. We attend a different church now and are good friends with many in the Church, many who actually welcomed us and continue to converse with us even outside the halls. Something that never happened at the other church we were at for two years. Its a little dperessing though because, there are not a lot of people in my age group, and while I've always gotten along better with the generations before me, at times I yearn for more, but despite that we are thriving in this new church where before the ways of the people had become a stumbling block that stifled our Growth in Christ. At the moment we are only visiting around and since we lived approx. 15 miles from that church it's very doubtful we will cross paths with the ones that twisted things and caused the problem which in turn as always works for the good of those that love God and are the called according to His purpose.

God bless,

WOW!!! It's as if you and I are 'twins' - even though I am KJV more so than any other version (40 years) I know what you mean.

Don't misunderstand me, I don't have a problem with a church saying that they only use the KJV from the pulpit, or that it is the preferred book in their sunday school. What I have a problem with is treating those who may choose in their liberty to use other versions as somehow being in error because of it. I use a New King James Personally, and I just love the language in it. I grew up first with a KJV, struggled, switched to an NIV when I was young, and switched to the NKJV at college and I have been better off sense.

The other overwhelming problem was. I've always felt that the Lord wherever he sends us as far as Churches go, would want us to be as involved as we can be. That prior church, hindered me from doing that which I believed was God's calling, and it really did grieve me. I suspect that's partly why the Lord allowed the illnesses to come, so that when we returned we could see that I had made a mistake in chosing that church.

I've been much happier since coming to this church :D

Don't misunderstand me, I don't have a problem with a church saying that they only use the KJV from the pulpit, or that it is the preferred book in their sunday school. What I have a problem with is treating those who may choose in their liberty to use other versions as somehow being in error because of it. I use a New King James Personally, and I just love the language in it. I grew up first with a KJV, struggled, switched to an NIV when I was young, and switched to the NKJV at college and I have been better off sense. Ver, I understand exactly with what you say and God bless,


The other overwhelming problem was. I've always felt that the Lord wherever he sends us as far as Churches go, would want us to be as involved as we can be. That prior church, hindered me from doing that which I believed was God's calling, and it really did grieve me. I suspect that's partly why the Lord allowed the illnesses to come, so that when we returned we could see that I had made a mistake in chosing that church. Yes!!! His divine providence is seen as we look back and wouldn't it be great if we could look forward and see this? AMEN!!!


I've been much happier since coming to this church :DGreat! and we are now looking for that special place He would have us serve Him.

Hi Seeking,

The church is not a building or temple. It is the saints, those who believe in Jesus Christ. There is one salvation, those who believe in Jesus Christ and only one holy spirit.

So no matter what building we enter to worship and fellowship, we are still in the same body, the body of Christ.

The name of the building and what denomination you prefer to call yourself is not really that important, we are all still one body in Christ Jesus.

Maybe you could think of it as not changing churches, but as fellowshipping in a different part of the Body of Christ.


Chad :idea:



I recently left the church I had been attending for almost 15 years. This was not an easy decision for me and my family. But now, a few months later, we see that it was the best decision we could have made. I had alot of close friendships there which I have tried to unsuccessfully maintain. I felt that our friendships extended beyond the confines of a building but I guess I was being naive. Anyone else experienced this before. It's not that I'm regretting my decision at all, or looking back, but I do wonder now how genuine those friendships really were. :hmm:

To Seeking:

Yes, it has happened twice to me.

First of all, it could be as simple as proximity. How many people did you talk to only at church events? For my situation, I used to go out to dinner with people after church because we were all at church and decided to go out afterward.

If you see people regularly and have a common or shared goal, you will build friendships more easily. Think of work friends. When you change jobs, how many of them honestly do you keep in touch with.

On the other hand, in my case, I left both churches because I didn't like the new direction the church was taking. When that is the case, the people who stay, think you are bitter, wrong and/or not like them anymore. I know that it is painful. Grieve those friendships and move on. You will find new friends again.

Hello all. It's been a while since I posted this but just wanted to thank you all for your support and information during this time. We are doing really well and have begun to be a vital part of our new "church" by getting involved with various ministries. My wife is involved with missions now and we are really excited. This is something that is really new to us. We were never exposed to missions before, sadly. So this is all new and really exciting. I've really learned alot about Jesus through this whole transition and have learned alot about the body of Christ. Thank you all once again.

I am about to undergo this same ordeal. :)
My wife and I leaving our church of three years to attend a much smaller church, where we attend a small bible study. I hope to remain friends with some of the other members, but I feel that this may be naive also. Many of our friends know that we attend several churches but we have always had a main church home. After much prayer, that church is about to change from a church of about 500 to a church of about 30. I know many will not understand, but it really has been covered in prayer for 9 months and the Lord has finally got us to the point where we know it is the right thing to do.
It's a shame that the body of Christ has to be so divided. It has been the most difficult decision, I have been faced with making for some time.
Thank you for starting this thread, It is very comforting, although I recognize that your situation has also been painful as well.
It is awesome to see you being used at your new church home!
Be Blessed.


Tt1106

You already HAVE your answer. You had "functional relationships" like most of the ones in the workplace. Now that you are operating in a different venue, there's simply nothing left to base a relationship on - although in the coming years, you MAY WELL find that some of the folks WILL re-enter your life at a different level.

Nothing unusual here - just "people being people". People are normally selfish and self-absorbed, and MOST inter-personal human relationships are based on "Selfish need" at one level or another. RARELY they may grow into something else.

That's why it's important NOT to take other people too seriously, and focus on a relationship with Jesus as the source of your fulfillment.
"You already HAVE your answer. You had "functional relationships" like most of the ones in the workplace. "

That is so true. As I sit here and think about it. I don't have a real relationship with anyone in my church outside of church. We say "hi" when we see each other out, but, yes, it's like my relationship with most of my co-workers. I see very few of them in social situations outside of work. We don't talk on the phone, etc.

"You already HAVE your answer. You had "functional relationships" like most of the ones in the workplace. "

That is so true. As I sit here and think about it. I don't have a real relationship with anyone in my church outside of church. We say "hi" when we see each other out, but, yes, it's like my relationship with most of my co-workers. I see very few of them in social situations outside of work. We don't talk on the phone, etc.


Before I changed churches recently i experienced similar, people waving but not really saying much outside of church. When we were sick, noone but the Pastor seemed to notice, and even at church everyone consumed with what they were doing... So at that point we left and went to a church where the love is there.

WOW! :note: I can't believe it's been a year since I left my old church. What a difference a year makes. I know it's the best decision my wife and I made for our family.

As a side note, I just have to say I'm really glad I found these boards! Just reading some of the posts, and seeing that people actually care about each other is impressive! So, thanks to everyone who is involved!

It's unfortunate that when someone leaves a church they are seen, by many, to be in error. They have left the fold, been swayed by Satan, are backslidden, etc. IMHO, that attitude shows a serious sense of insecurity by those who are condeming someone. So many churches are absolutely 100% convinced that theirs is the only way to heaven. I've been involved in a few different denominations, and I can tell it that this attitude isn't limited to just one or two.

As for changing churches, personally I don't think that's a bad thing once in a while, depending on the reasoning. I'm not advocating church hoping, but sometimes we need a change of scenery, a different style of worship, a different style of preaching. If we get too complacent in our church I think we run the risk of not growing as much as we want/could.

As for friendships that become stale or cease to exist, there's no denying that is difficult to deal with. The only advice I could give is reach out to those that you miss. Call them. Send them a card. Let them know that you are still thinking about them. Depending on the attitude of the church you left, it may just be that they feel abandoned, that they think you left them, and not just the church itself. I hope that makes some sense.

I went to different churches for a while,about 20 years ago because I felt something was wrong with our church.I won't go into details,but a lot of bad things were happening. I know for a fact it wasn't the pastor,because he is the most compassionite person I knew at the time. We have a strong support of believers now that we didn't have before,people who want to come and worship rather than going to church as a social status.

If we get too complacent in our church I think we run the risk of not growing as much as we want/could.

I think that was the biggest problem. My wife and I felt that there was no personal growth for us there any longer. So I can honestly say that we've both grown tremendously in the time we left. Both as a couple and as individuals.

I went to different churches for a while,about 20 years ago because I felt something was wrong with our church.I won't go into details,but a lot of bad things were happening. I know for a fact it wasn't the pastor,because he is the most compassionite person I knew at the time. We have a strong support of believers now that we didn't have before,people who want to come and worship rather than going to church as a social status.

I can relate to that comment as well. The pastor has a very good heart. The bigger problem there was also his staff. Sadly they are family so I don't think he can do anything about it.

As for friendships that become stale or cease to exist, there's no denying that is difficult to deal with. The only advice I could give is reach out to those that you miss. Call them. Send them a card. Let them know that you are still thinking about them. Depending on the attitude of the church you left, it may just be that they feel abandoned, that they think you left them, and not just the church itself. I hope that makes some sense.


The question is what do you do when you try calling, leave messages, and the person in question seems to never return the phone call? That's the problem we experienced, and it went on for months at a time.

The question is what do you do when you try calling, leave messages, and the person in question seems to never return the phone call? That's the problem we experienced, and it went on for months at a time.

I just gave up after a while. One day though one of those friends actually called me to see how I was doing. So from time to time we exchange emails and stuff. Or occasionally I'll send him a message through Facebook.

I recently left the church I had been attending for almost 15 years. This was not an easy decision for me and my family. But now, a few months later, we see that it was the best decision we could have made. I had alot of close friendships there which I have tried to unsuccessfully maintain. I felt that our friendships extended beyond the confines of a building but I guess I was being naive. Anyone else experienced this before. It's not that I'm regretting my decision at all, or looking back, but I do wonder now how genuine those friendships really were. :hmm:

IMO they were not genuine at all but were based on the fact that you belonged to the same club as they did and appeared to believed whatever that club was offering. May God guide you to where He wants you to be and may His blessings be upon you. Have you ever considered inviting like-minded Believers into you home for your own fellowship?

IMO they were not genuine at all but were based on the fact that you belonged to the same club as they did and appeared to believed whatever that club was offering. May God guide you to where He wants you to be and may His blessings be upon you. Have you ever considered inviting like-minded Believers into you home for your own fellowship?

Well I do attend a small group where we talk about the bible and encourage one another, but I wouldn't just do it on my own per se. Like in a divisive way. You know what I mean?

I recently left the church I had been attending for almost 15 years. This was not an easy decision for me and my family. But now, a few months later, we see that it was the best decision we could have made. I had alot of close friendships there which I have tried to unsuccessfully maintain. I felt that our friendships extended beyond the confines of a building but I guess I was being naive. Anyone else experienced this before. It's not that I'm regretting my decision at all, or looking back, but I do wonder now how genuine those friendships really were. :hmm:


Hi SEEKING,

I know this is an old thread, and I did skim through it. I am glad things are working out for you. I would have to say that over my 35 years of being a christian, I have left about 4 churches (besides being moved). Three were because of doctrinal differences (and if I could find a better church in my area I would leave my present one for the very same reason), and one was because of very messed-up leadership. In one of those moves I know God was calling us to a different church.

Many churches are stuck or tied to certain things: certain worship songs, certain pet doctrines, certain preaching styles, etc. It can be like eating mashed-potatoes every day. For most people, changing churches is a normal part of growing in Christ.

For most people, changing churches is a normal part of growing in Christ.

Yes this is something that I've learned throughout this whole experience. I've met quite a few people who have changed churches for many different reasons, and it's good to know that they feel ok with it. No condemnation at all.

In my opinion, if you can increase your love for God by changing a chirstians community (so called "church"), just change.

It is simply because not everyone who called himself christian will be saved.

If you always mix with those who love God whole-heartedly, you also will eventually love God whole-heartedly. If you always mix with those who love the world, than you will be affected to love the world more....

I do not encourage people to change from challenging "church" to "church that is not so challenging.
Challenging because some pastors do nto compromise God's principles in His Word like missionary, mobilizing everyone to serve, challenge everyone to offer fully to God.

I attend a church whereby everyone have to serve God fully time. Do everything for God, and glorify God. It is very hard, but it is able to achieve, only by God's grace.