My son is 13 now and acting more and more like a teenager! I realizing dealing with him now has to be handled differently then when he was a child and I realize his hormones can play a major role in how he reacts to things. Like getting more emotional about minor things ..more upset, more angry, more pushing the limits..

So I am looking for anyone that has links or articles on how to talk to and deal with young teenagers. I really, really do not want to see us in the situation I see so many teenagers and parents in where all they do is fight and the teen totally shuts the parents out. I really want us to stay close and keep communications open. We have had two incidents that threw me off balance in how he talked to me...totally out of character, very rude and disrespectful and trying to argue the issue into the ground. Since I am not used to being talked to like that, I got extremely angry! Too angry actually to be constructive in anyway. I was pretty appalled actually by his behavior. It was just so unlike him! I really am hoping this won't be a sign of 'things to come' either. All I hear from my sister who has a teen in the home is how rude and disrespectful he is to her all the time and I don't want us going down that road! She is on the verge of booting him out of the house the day he turns 18..that is how bad it is..:(

So I need to arm myself, so to speak, in advance to nip this in the bud before it becomes a common thing around here. I had a talk with him the other day about why we need to stick together and not become enemies as he goes through this..and why I got so angry too. And I don't want to be walking around here feeling angry and resentful towards him either. When I asked him why he talked to me like he did he said he didn't know and got all teary about it. It was like he was someone else...:(

Anyway so any information I can read up on would be helpful so next time I won't be so shocked and able to handle things better. I did one thing this time I didn't do before...I refuse to keep arguing with him...told him he better stop this now! And I left the room. Kind of hard to argue by yourself...:cool: Then I went to my room and close the door for some time out cause I was SO furious, I had to get myself calmed down before I made things worse...:(

Also...I don't know if this has anything to do with this or not...but several times lately Nate has mentioned his dad. His dad was very abusive emotionally and mentally towards him when he was little. He hasn't seen his dad since he went to prison when Nate was four for another reason. When I talked to Nate about how he talked and acted towards me the other day...he brought up his dad again. I know he is extremely angry towards his dad...I do mean extremely angry. I am not sure why he is suddenly bringing up his dad lately...why this is on his mind. Normally since his dad has not been apart of his life for years now, Nate doesn't even think about him. When he does you can see the pain and hurt in his eyes. He is so so hurt about how his dad treated him and I know he needs to deal with this and yes I have talked to him many times about forgiving his dad...not for his dad, but for himself. I don't know if these two times of acting out could be due to just the rage boiling over ...or what...

When he was little he had very violent rages and would attack people..children, adults, me...all stemming from what he went through with his dad. He hasn't done that in many years though and is doing much better. So I don't know...like I said I don't know if this has a thing do with his dad, just the anger bubbling out, or if its a typical teenager thing..

God bless

UK Christian resource - Care for the family.

http://www.careforthefamily.org.uk/

You may also find the information on the website Young Minds if Nate is dealing with a lot of pain and information on the BBC parenting teens website helpful

UK Christian resource - Care for the family.

http://www.careforthefamily.org.uk/

You may also find the information on the website Young Minds if Nate is dealing with a lot of pain and information on the BBC parenting teens website helpful

Ok thanks...I bookmarked it. I have to leave in a bit so don't have alot of time to read through it right now. Thanks.

Yea he brought up his dad again last night. I was reading the Ten Commandments to him (listed in his Social Studies book as they are studying world religions right now) and he said he follow all of them except part of one. The honor your father and mother...I told him well he can't really honor his dad when he is in prison and not to worry about it. Not sure if that was exactly the right thing to say or not..but I could see the emotions starting in his expression again...:( Again I was caught off guard and not really sure what to say...

I guess I need to talk to him again and find out why he is thinking about his dad so much lately...what is triggering all of this.

God bless

Hi moonglow - you bless these forums with your honesty and openness.

As friends will remember I have 5 sons, 15, 14, 12, 6 & 4. We were told when they were younger, wait until they are teenagers then your problems will really start! Well yes and no.

My first advice would be fight the battles and stand your ground on the important issues and allow a few things to pass without reacting. The odd comment/ rudeness (within reason), not immediatly doing what they are told - a gentle reminder after awhile instead of blowing your top.

We have to remember we are dealing not with a 5 year old, but bright inteligent nearly adults. We are going to have to explain ourselves sometimes, perhaps often, and accept that this child can have a different opinion and tell us it. We may know they are wrong sometimes, but as long as it isn't a danger to them, they can be wrong and be given time to learn.

What works well with us, is saying if you want to be treated as older then you'll have to act older. When they will not listen on important issues, we say ok if you won't discuss this like an adult we have no choice but to still treat you like a child. Removal of computers. No sweets/ fizz drinks, no staying up later with mum and dad. The kind of punishments you give younger children. Sending to their room during the day, early to bed at night.

Children will push. Infact my wife raises her voice and shows temper to get her way. I very rarely lose my temper or have to raise my voice. This is certainly not because they fear me, before anyone thinks that. It's just a different style. Discipline doesn't need anger, it needs calm - which is why in 99% of cases I am against smacking. It's just not neccessary for good parents.

It is good you acknowledge his hormones etc that come with this age group. But NEVER allow this to excuse continued bad behaviour. The odd incident maybe. If you set bounderies and stick to them, he'll respond. That is actually what children want. To feel safe and loved.

So in a months time my 3rd son is 13. Then I've got 2 more in a decade. What a blessing they are. Truely.

Lastly, which should be firstly. Pray and as you read the Word of God daily, pay special attention to any love/ children/ family passages. Do you read the bible with Nate?

3 1/2 years ago, my wife (a non believer) and I were on the verge of splitting up again. A Christian/ church friend (yes I even had them that long ago for friends here woundering :hug:) offered me a house to live in for a few days. I went there and read the Word daily alone.

After that gap I returned home to try and sort things out and in talking to my wife I said we needed God in our marriage and family. That I felt led to do bible reading with our eldest 3 sons. I thought she would laugh at me!

She backed me and 3 plus years later we have read the whole bible and begun again. At times they have messed about, I have lost my temper, because I take it seriously. They were 12, 11 & 9 1/2 when we started. I believe God's hand was in that situation and controlled my wife's response and every time since even when we have been not getting on to put it mildly!, she has never not been 100% behind them daily studying with me. That is a miracle. That is God's power in action! Praise the Lord!

So if you don't read daily with him, please pray and then start. SofTy.

You take a 2x4, keep it in plain sight, and when they try and tell you how to run your own household, you send a meaningful glare towards the 2x4 and then another glare straight at the offender.

You have to do it that way because teenagers do not get hints. That part of their brains is not yet working, or buried underneath bunches of hormones and assumptions of "hey I'm growing up, now I can tell mom what to do and she has to listen to me because I know everything (even though I've never worked a day in my life and have never yet had to fend for myself in the real world, but that part of my brain that acknowledges that fact isn't working yet either)."

:lol::lol::lol::lol:

In all seriousness, teenage boys on the cusp of manhood need a solid father figure in their lives, because mom can't teach her boy how to be a man by example.

In your situation, at his age, Nate is probably starting to get the "I'm the man of the house" feel and may be worried whether or not he's going to turn out like his dad and go down that same road. I know it's weird when your baby starts turning into a man, but it's hugely important that manhood issues are talked about and what all of that means and how God expects a real man to behave himself. And that his dad went down the road he did because of choices, not any sort of predisposition or circumstances beyond his control. A 13-year-old manchild is well able to control his behavior and make solid choices, and it's important that he understands that. He is his own person, and can control his own destiny. At the same time, though, you're going to want to address whatever resentment and so forth may yet lurk there towards his dad and have him deal with his emotions in a positive way, and give him an outlet like exercise and other physical activity, because that, too, is important.

Thanks ServantofTruth and DaniHansen...I will have to reply later as I really have to run now. (I have to go do my little fish tank cleaning job). Just wanted to thank you for your time and attention on this. :)


God bless

Hello moonglow, I work at a facility for troubled youth they are level 2 teens meaning that they have been through some of the worst (rape, beating, etc.) Ive been working with kids of all ages for awhile now and Ive learned some pretty useful things to pass on to you:

1. you are not his friend you are his Dad, always be in the lead and in charge.
2. No is a great answers, it doesnt need a reason.
3. Work is the greatest tool for troubled teens invented (chores, lawn mowing, paint, etc.) make him do it. Only give him allowance if he is going to be humble to it. He needs to understand that these are his duties and they require no pay.
4. Make him show you responsibility. Exp: be ontime to the dinner table, room must be clean in order to get breakfast.
5. Keep your cool, if You lose it he's won (he will know it too)
6. Most important love the Lord your God with all your heart, and share that passion with him (serve others together, pray, read together, devotions).

Here is book resource that I hear is really good: "boundaries for teens" I havent read it, but ive heard great things about it.

Ok back...boy was that fish tank filthy...plus they had a sick fish...can't image why..:cool:

Anyway..I only got home a minute before Nate so he is here now I don't know how much I will type with him hovering around.

Followtheway...I am the mom...dad is in prison..

Nate does have to do chores to get an allowance. I know I am not his friend and I don't try to be. We have a huge age difference between us also..I am 48, he is 13...I don't have the energy to be his friend...lol. Thanks for telling me about that book. :)

DaniHansen..Nate has his grandpa and an uncle though the uncle lives out of town..my sister's husband. Other then putting an ad in the paper for a dad for him...there isn't much options. I won't sign him up for big brothers because they allow homosexuals in there now. And honestly I don't see a homosexual man as being a good example to teach a young teen how to be a man...

You brought up some good points though...on him struggling to grow up and what kind of man he will become. We do studies from the bible on how a husband is to treat his wife (I am doing these early!) because of how his dad treated me...so course that was a real concern that he would treat girls badly. In fact when his dad was still around he would imitate his dad's treatment towards me...I had to undo alot of damage there. So yes this has been something we have been covering for years now.

ServantofTruth....sounds like you and your wife have a great system there! Backing each other...that is wonderful. :)

I tried doing bible reading to him off and on since he was young but due to his learning disabilities he couldn't understand alot and because he was struggling in school and feeling slow and stupid...it carried over to the bible readings and would trigger his anxiety. Meaning if I read a verse and he didn't understand instead of having me explain his anxiety would sky rocket and he would think he was 'stupid' and want me to just stop reading...:( I have tried different children's bible's with him over the years hoping to find something easier for him to understand but his frustration only grew. Now he did take AWANA for a couple of years and that helped a little bit but finally what's its come down too is me teaching him by simply quoting scriptures to him...rather then sitting and reading. And telling him bible stories. Its kind of similar as to how the Jews learned scriptures...they all sat around while an adult told them the stories from the bible...later of course they moved on to reading if they were wealthy enough.

Anyway Nate is doing super in his reading now and expressed an interest in reading the bible online. I have a great website where you can pick the translation you want so he could pick one he felt comfortable with.

Anyway thanks all for your help. :)

God bless