View Full Version : Young and anxious
Feb 16th 2009, 05:54 PM
Hi, I am new to these forums and felt the need to join for the Christian advice of older women. I am only 19, and have recently ben tearing my hair out over a 'crush'.... I really don't know what to do. I have immersed myself in the word and have been seeking God's will, giving over everything to Him but these thoughts and anxiety still remains. Let me explain...
I am part of a college group on campus that does a lot of ministry work, sharing the gospel , etc. A couple months ago I found myself greeted by the lead singer/guitar player. I had met him before, and totally forgot about it, and there was an awkward moment where I blanked out. He laughed and was very nice about it. And that is where it started. He is a man after God, who is part of many of the groups on campus. I have been trying to run after God's will in my life, and we have run into eachother, and will keep on running into eachother, which doesn't help the crush I have. The more I get to know him, and the more I hear about him, the more I like him. The more I think about him, the more torn up I get. :giveup:
I have caught him looking at me a couple of times, which only feeds hope. And I usually am at the events early, and a few times we have been the only two there for a couple minutes until other people arrive. I don't like the fact that I am obsessing over this. I have been praying to God to get rid of these feelings, or at least calm them until they are needed, but no dice. And the guy is moving in August, to Florida. (problem? I found out my sister is going to a Florida college, near where he is going to be.So my mind says, I can visit! :B)
The advice I need is what to do with these feelings? I have had a girl tell me, the only girl who knows, that everyone has had a crush on him. That it's 'whatever.' But most the things girls roll their eyes at in concern to him, I find hilarious. I don't know, I want to do God's will, but it's the waiting for these feelings to go away or for something to happen that is killing me.
I am sure I sound like a whiny teenager, but to be honest, in all my 19 years (not that long at all) I have never had these feelings before. He's my first crush, and I really have no clue on how to go about this. Or if these feelings are even right to have for a guy who hasn't shown many signs of being interested in me.:help:
Feb 16th 2009, 06:39 PM
Perhaps it's Jesus in this person that you're really drawn to, and not the person himself? I went through something similar in my singles years, and couldn't make any sense of it, until God spoke to me and said I was drawn to Jesus within these people. That's when I let out a collective sigh and went about my business and quit obsessing. And drew closer to the Lord Himself instead of always looking for Him in other people. :)
Then again, what first drew me to my husband was me seeing the Lord in him. Which is a bit odd because he didn't even claim to be a believer at the time we met. But God was using that to bring us together, and so it's all good. ;)
But you're young, so very young, and it's not uncommon to develop crushes. The trick is to not let them make us crazy and to not obsess over them (easier said than done, I know). I would encourage you to take a step back and just focus on the Lord for a while and to surrender your heart and your feelings to Him, and to let Him satisfy your needs for love and affection and acceptance and tenderness. So very often we look for things from other people, that only the Lord can fully satisfy. :hug:
Feb 16th 2009, 06:40 PM
Yeah I can be obsessive about men too, and I don't know if this is the same you but if I really have a thing for a guy I will *not* be myself around him. And let me tell you long distance relationships are *very* difficult, although I am not sure that is your intention. My husband and I did it across the country for a few months while we were dating.
Otherwise I don't see why you should not go for it, but maybe that is bad advice and I'm sure others will disagree...perhaps you should heed them. Otherwise all I can tell you is that it will pass whether you want it to or not, and you kind of sound like you want it to.
And I know what :B is like in this respect...
And BTW good for you going to God's word.:pp
...and I'm 31 what does that make me???:D;):P
Feb 16th 2009, 07:23 PM
DaniHansen- At first I do think it was the Lord in him that drew me to him. But after getting to know him more I have found myself smitten by his artistic side, by his unique humor, and etc. So I am not sure if it is that anymore. Also I appreciated your comments on focusing on God, because that is something I am struggling with now. Since I never dealt with these kind of feelings before I find them incredibly distracting, though God has been blessing me in a relationship with Him despite it. However it's like I am on a see-saw, half the time I am rejoicing in God's love, the other half I am thinking about this guy... And through it all, the thing that is scaring me the most is that maybe these feelings aren't glorifying God and I am wasting so much time worrying about them. But I just can't seem to discard them. :/
Borean- Part of me wants it to pass, because I am sick of thinking aboutit and worrying over it. A part of me is smitten and happy to remain that way, and the last part is yelling at the both of them to straighten up and concentrate on God more. I think this is where much of my anxiety is coming from, this split of feelings. Also, I try to listen to God, but many times I feel my heart is drowning out His voice. I don't want to be obsessive about it, but hope springs eternal and every time I open my bible it is on a verse about a Godly wife/women. I think I have stumbled upon proverbs/Ruth/ and the verses about 'wives, submit to your husbands' about twenty times in the past two weeks. Which makes me wonder if these feeling are in God's plan, or if he is trying to tell me something else and my own feeling are getting in the way... Also, I act myself around him. But accourding to at least one girl, the way I look at him falls into the category of 'obviously crushing'. Which is very embarresing.
Oh, and 31 isn't old. lol. I simply mean that at my age, people always seem to say 'honey, your young! You have plenty of time to worry about these things!'
Feb 16th 2009, 07:44 PM
Ha ha, emoticons say I was teasing...I am not sensitive about my age...:cool:
I know the feeling of "I don't want to think about him...yes I do, no I don't yes I do" ad nauseam.:B
You are so much wiser than I was at your age, probably most definitely now. Easy to say, hard to do...
Feb 17th 2009, 04:00 AM
Already I am feeling better... Thank you so much Borean for the compliment! :hug: And I appreciate the empathy, living by faith. I think my situation is different, just because I know I am attracted to more than just Jesus in him, but just knowing that I am not the only one going through these feelings is helpful.
I did some thinking at work tonight (I work at a library shelving books, a LOT of time for thinking. I have had many revelations from talking with God during these times) and I think one of the reasons I am so torn up about this is due to what my bible study leader has been telling me. I myself am naturally prone to guilt, so when she told me what these feelings should be like and how they should behave I fell into a downward spiral. For instance, some of the things she said were...
"Look at him as only a brother in Christ, girl! That's what you need to do!"
"What you need to do is just walk along your path with God until He brings alongside the right man, then it will be perfect!"
"Just talk more with him, I am sure you will just see him as a brother then!"
The implications of these lines blew up in my mind, and I rechecked scripture over a thousand times but have not found much pertaining to feelings of crushing (though early on I suppose it would be called some form of small love, or attraction.) I mean, I am not lusting after him (thank goodness!) so I know I am not stumbling there. It just gives me peace of mind, after talking to my mother and you all, to know these feelings arn't... well... wrong. Not that I should be as obsessive as I am, and God will work with me on that, but it's nice to know I am not totally stumbling in the dark. :)
Feb 17th 2009, 05:26 AM
Oh wow can I empathise with you.
When I was 18 I met a guy named Brad. He was a nice guy, didn't seem to be anything special. I wasn't close to him, but I saw him around a lot and we chatted every now and then. When I was 19 he came to my church randomly one day.. not for me.. just to check the church out and thats where it all started. I offered to take him to church that night and he accepted and we swapped msn address'. I wasn't attracted to him, he was a man and I was a teenager still. I was 19 and he was 30 :eek:
So we went to church and had a good time and went our seperate ways. I would see him on msn occationally and chat to him and that was it. I started to see him more and more and we begun to hang out more and more. I freaked! I tried setting him up with a friend of mine, but I failed. I didn't like him!
One night we went to a youth group dinner together and (thankfully) sat at different tables. Half way through the night he came and sat with me and we had a good laugh. He stood up to leave and as he was walking away something inside my heart shifted.. I felt attracted to him. I instantly put those feelings away and convinced myself it was the devil trying to distract me from God.
We saw each other more and more and the more I saw him the more attracted I became. I would cnstantly deny my feelings and tell myself it was the devil playing tricks on me, trying to take my eyes off God. I prayed hard for God to take away my feelings, but my feelings just grew. I didn't last after Brad, I just REALLY liked him. I almost felt obssessed with this guy, because I had never felt like this before.
I felt guilty for the way I felt and tried to hide my feelings from people. I tried to keep away from him, but we always ended up in the same spots.
Finally it came to a head and he asked me to meet with him one day. We met up for tea and he told me he really liked me and was trying to ignore the feelings.. UGH I told him I felt the same way!! We decided to remain as friends and if we got closer it was from God and if we drifted apart then it wasn't meant to be.
We have been married for two and a half years now and we have a 6 month old son. It makes me laugh when I look back and think I was saying that my feelings were a distraction and he turned out to be my husband!
I'm not writing my story to say that you and this guy will end up together, but sometimes God is doing things we don't understand. I told God I wanted NO boy in my life and I wanted to just soley concentrate on God.. thats when Brad entered my life. Weird huh?
Don't beat yourself up about the way you feel. I know how hard it is to deny your feelings when they just won't go away!
In the end I prayed to God that he would give me the same feelings that Brad had for me. I still liked Brad very much, but it put my heart at rest knowing I had finally given it over to God. I had given my feelings to God, but my feelings hadn't dissappeared.
You said he is moving away? Ask God to take your feelings and see what happens when you don't see him. Don't make a point to go see him unless he invites you. If he is out of sight for a while he might be out of mind. With him not being around it will give you breathing room to sort out your feelings with God. There is nothing harder then praying to God to take your feelings, then seeing the guy an hour later and all your feelings come rushing back in and then you go home feeling guilty because you feel like your didn't give your feelings to God.
Anyway I am hoping everything works out for you and your feelings for this guy are made clear soon!
Feb 17th 2009, 05:48 AM
Trying not to like a guy is like truing notto think about elephants only more distressing.
Don't think about elephants.
Are you thinking about them?
Well stop it.
I mean it.
Granted self-control is good but too much effort will make you nuts.
Oh and my husband is 11 years older than me...:amen:
Sorry, I like older men...
Feb 18th 2009, 03:28 AM
I really appreciate your post, hj20. It really has a lot of parallels with my situation (except the guy is only a year older than me. Which is funny, since I always thought I would like older men. I always wanted to marry someone six years older than me, simply because my grandpa and grandma are 6 years apart, and so is my mom and dad. lol.) At this point I have decided that God has left these feelings in me for one of two reasons. The first, that he is trying to teach me something through them. I have already come to a greater understanding of some scripture, as well as have had my plans for the future shift. Jut because I was forced to look at the life I had planned, and ask if that is really what I wanted. The second reason may be that the guy is for me...but I am just trying to behave in a normal, non stalk-y manner with that. :yes: ;) :D The thing that struck me the most was what you were feeling about the distraction, as that is a lot of what I have been feeling. It truly helped me to know that these feelings are not out of the ordinary, and that there is a purpose behind them. (whether the purpose be learning, or an actual relationship)
As for Borean...:rofl: Okay, that really made me laugh. It is something that I have found hard, especially since I have A LOT of time to think on my job. From both yours and H2jo's posts I have just felt calmer about the whole thing though. It has really been a balm on my heart to hear everyone's replies on this. And it has really helped me stop obsessing and being anxious over it, and actually enjoy it when I have a conversation with the guy. (He gave me a really nice compliment today.:D I spent the rest of the day grinning at random intervals. It was how I was such a good friend to one of my other friends who was going through a hard time. I just allowed myself to enjoy the feeling in private, but was able to let it fall to it's rightful place after a few delighted giggles. I was able to remain cool in front of him though, thank goodness!) I have come to the conclusion that as long as I keep myself in line, as in no flirting or pursuing and no obsessing or being carried away, and as long as God is the center of my life, I can let go of the worry and anxiety I have been feeling. :blushhap:
Feb 18th 2009, 05:54 AM
Oh yay :pp good for you!! It a hard thing to try and dig your feelings out of yourself and forget about them. Its like trying to literally rip your heart out with your fingernails!! I tried to rip my feelings out of me, but it hurts like crazy!! As you said.. don't obsess over him and don't obsess about having a relationship with him. Try and view him just as your friend despite your feelings.. if that makes any sense! With Brad I tried so hard to just view him as my brother even though I had these crazy insane feelings going on inside of me. It did work because I didn't obsess about him.. and you know what attracted him to me.. I wasn't obsessed with him :lol: (I'm not saying he was thinking every chick except me was obsessed with him :rolleyes:)
My mum teased me all through my teen years about this boy who was 9 years older then me, telling me one day I would marry him. I told mum to stop being to disgusting!! He was an old man :o little did I realised my husband was 11 years older then me.. and I wouldn't have it any other way!
Feb 18th 2009, 08:03 AM
Horray for husbands 11 years older than us...it works for some people...
Feb 19th 2009, 03:13 PM
Okay, now that I have finished laughing at the humor of the posts... I definitely will take your advice H2jo. I try to act normal about him, and when I do daydream I keep my mind steered away from any relationship imaginings involving him... or anyone, for that matter. Not to mention I feel slightly weirded out when hearing other girls call guys they barely know 'their future husbands.' Doesn't the guy have a say? :hmm: So I definitely don't want to go there! And really, what I found myself obsessing over the most was the feelings themselves. So when I wasn't thinking about the guy, I was obsessing over my feelings for him and tearing myself apart. :crazy: Now I can use the time I used to be obsessing over the feelings and focus on quiet time for a change... whew! Most of all, now that I am not obsessing whether these feelings are wrong or not, I can trust God with them. I was so afraid they were out of place that I spent more time worrying then just trusting God. Not to say I still don't obsess a little... but I think it is a more manageable, normal amount now. ;)
Feb 24th 2009, 02:39 PM
RoseClown..sounds like you are definitely infatuated with this guy from afar or have a "crush" as you say. If it is God's will to give you opportunity there I would think that forming a friendship and getting to know him may simply give you a better perspective.
Since you say he is moving..it isn't likely to happen or last. Long range relationships like that, in my experience, don't always work.
I am guessing..there will be more guys like this in your life. This will pass. When I was 19 in college I fell for more than one..it was good to date and get to know more than one too because I wasn't ready to get too serious with any of them yet. And that's how it went until I met just the right one when I was 23 and out of school. We dated, got to know each other, became friends, and then "got serious" enough to get engaged and married. 47 years now..:)
You gotta pray a lot and let God show you just how to deal with any kind of 'obsession' you feel you are experiencing. Prayer helps keep us from getting into inordinate attachments and helps us to keep from leaping too quickly emotionally. :)
Praying for you ...:hug::pray:
Mar 25th 2009, 10:39 PM
It seems to me it might not hurt to let him know you like him and see what happens. I read one book where the lady said men work on the "calorie" principal. They won't burn calories unless they think they can get the catch, in the forest or with ladies.
You can let a guy know you are interested without being an aggressive female. In one group of single men I heard about they said that they loved it when a girl asked them out. This took off the pressure. Think of something he would like and ask him to go. Or ask him to do you a favor.
Ben Franklin said that we warm up to people who ask us favors. Whatever. Ask him for advice. Ask him to help you solve some kind of a problem. Don't wait for him to come up to you, let him know you like him by approaching him with a big smile. You can do it! Let him know you like him if you want to take the chance.