I was reading the thread someone posted about whether or not it was bad for a wife to refuse to make love with her husband.

Well, :blush:my situation is just the opposite. My husband doesn't wanna make love most of the time. That part of our marriage is like once a week, less at times. :blush: And if I try and initiate it, 9 times out of 10, he'll refuse me.
And I feel like it's really creating a wall between us. I talked to him a little bit one time and asked him why, and he finally came out with that I'm toodemanding of it.....:o I don't understand how I am, considering it's only once a week. So, okay......how do I get around this? What can I do to get that side of the marriage to happen more often?

It's really shameful considering...............him and I did have sex before we were married.....(I do VERY much regret doing that) and it's shameful considering it happened WAY more often then, then it does now!!!!! :B I said to my husband, "don't you think that's a little messed up? Do you see something wrong with this picture?"

I feel like he felt he had to have sex with me to keep me from leaving him. (He had 3 bad relationships, two of which they left him. One while he was overseas in the navy. So he was hurt pretty bad.) And now that we're married, it's not important any more. It IS important. But he doesn't seem to understand that...

So....:help:

The past is the past. Our flesh craves to do those thing that we aren't suppose to do. And then when we can,it's not as exciting.

You and your husband need to sit down and look at Scripture and pray together regarding your sex life. Personally, I think Satan has distorted our thinking as to what sex is or how God designed it to be. It is a beautiful thing that keeps a husband and wife together,bonded. Satan has turned it into a lustful, dirty thing shall I say. Actually, I can't blame it all on Satan, our human nature has played a great part.

My point is ask the Lord to show you and your husband his purpose in the sexual relationship. Read Song of Solomon together. It is really beautiful and sensual, which is a good thing in a married couple.

I was reading the thread someone posted about whether or not it was bad for a wife to refuse to make love with her husband.

Well, :blush:my situation is just the opposite. My husband doesn't wanna make love most of the time. That part of our marriage is like once a week, less at times. :blush: And if I try and initiate it, 9 times out of 10, he'll refuse me.
And I feel like it's really creating a wall between us. I talked to him a little bit one time and asked him why, and he finally came out with that I'm toodemanding of it.....:o I don't understand how I am, considering it's only once a week. So, okay......how do I get around this? What can I do to get that side of the marriage to happen more often?

First, I would ask..is your husband a Christian? Did you have premarital counseling or do you have a godly couple you could seek out for counseling or mentoring?

I think this is a very serious issue and you're on a dangerous path. I'll be honest, it sounds like something is really wrong. Could he have a physical problem or is he under a lot of stress? It just doesn't seem quite right that he wouldn't be at least willing when you initiate. I can see why this would hurt your feelings and you would begin to feel really rejected. This will only lead to greater problems.


I feel like he felt he had to have sex with me to keep me from leaving him. (He had 3 bad relationships, two of which they left him. One while he was overseas in the navy. So he was hurt pretty bad.)

Has he said this to you or have you talked about this? You might be imagining this and it's usually not a good idea to assume things. It still seems odd that he would willingly have sex with you before you were married, but now he doesn't seem interested.


And now that we're married, it's not important any more. It IS important. But he doesn't seem to understand that...

So....:help:

I think you have legitimate concerns. I would encourage you to talk about this with him when he's not distracted, stressed, or tired. Try not to appear like you're just wanting sex...but that you're wanting intimacy (part of which is the communicating). Show him the verses that have been brought up and how God views the sexual intimacy in marriage as holy and beautiful. It's needed. I noticed that you have a baby (a cute one!)...and I've also heard that sometimes men have a hard time viewing their wives in a sexual way after they have a child because they see them as a mother instead of as a lover. Maybe he's still trying to adjust to that? I don't really know, but I know it's a serious issue.

If he still seems distant and uninterested even after you have some serious discussion with him about it, I would highly encourage you to have him see a doctor. It might be something physical that is decreasing his desire...

Hope this helps.

:confusedI'm a bit baffled cause it's usually vice versa. So, sorry, I just don't know. Have you considered talking, as Hope said, to another couple that you would feel comfortable with?

God Bless and prayerfully, it will work itself out!!!!:hug:

There can be a lot of different reasons for this and I have no idea what it might be in your situation. Some men just have a very low sex drive because of hormones. Sometimes prostate problems can cause difficulties in that area. Other times, stress plays a factor, just like it can for us.

I've had several friends that have dealt with what you're going through and I know it's very difficult, especially if you don't know why. Is he a loving husband in other ways?

There are few things that have been shown in some studies. One is that men that sin in the area of porn, eventually have a very difficult time being intimate in their marriages.

And some men (and women) find intimacy difficult, after they've had sex before marriage. The mindset seems to be that sex became a guilt issue and they were wrong to enjoy it before marriage... but the guilt transfers into the relationship after marriage and steals the joy and pleasure.

Like I said, I have absolutely no idea what's going on with your husband and am just tossing out some ideas.

Maybe it will help you feel a little better to know about one woman who hadn't been intimate with her husband for five years... because he just wasn't interested in that. :cry:

I hope you and your husband are able to talk about it and find out the root cause.

Thank you for the replies VERY much. I'll try to answer all the questions that were asked of me.

Yes, my husband is a Christian and we did have premarital counseling before we were married. It was a requirement of our pastor to get married in our church, for anyone. And yes I suppose there is a godly couple we could talk to, but frankly, it's kinda awkward talking to someone else about it.....

As for a physical problem, I DOUBT it, but ya never know. I don't think it is....I think it could be more along the lines of stress........he's only working part-time now, just lost his full time job in January. But our lack of sexual intimacy started pretty much right after we got married, so I'm inclined to think it has to do with us having sex before, and also is linked to his past relationships.

And yes, he has talked to me about his past relationships. As for the part where I said "I feel like he felt he had to have sex with me to keep me from leaving him"....I told him that at one point....and he didn't really say anything. And most of the time, silence on his part is, at least, not a denial.

Is he a loving husband in other ways?? yyyy....eee...ssss....he is, but him and I are so stubborn, we butt heads a lot. I also noticed, after we got married, besides the lack of sex, the lack of, touching. Just touching. Resting his hand on my knee, putting his arm around me....we still hold hands, but there's not the close touching.


I'm tending to think also, like kayte said, it could be guilt about having sex before marriage.


I've tried talking to him, but he just says I don't know, I don't know. I've asked him what he thought the cause could be and he says I don't know. It's so frustrating! :B

There is One Who knows exactly what is wrong and what can be done about it. I would try fasting and praying for light and guidance, personally.

I'm told all the time with problems in my marriage to communicae communicate communicate. Do you know how hard it is to communicate when it is just met with silence?

I'm guessing it is linked to his past relationships and maybe there is a huge guilt he feels in his life so he feels he can't make love with you. I'm also gussing you have tried many time to talk to your husband about this, but you feel like your not getting anywhere? I know it feels awkward to talk about sexual issues outside your marriage, but maybe the both of you need to see a married couple who can help you, if your husband is willing? This isn't something I would muck around with, it can really cause a foot hold in your marriage.

I'm told all the time with problems in my marriage to communicae communicate communicate. Do you know how hard it is to communicate when it is just met with silence?

I'm guessing it is linked to his past relationships and maybe there is a huge guilt he feels in his life so he feels he can't make love with you. I'm also gussing you have tried many time to talk to your husband about this, but you feel like your not getting anywhere? I know it feels awkward to talk about sexual issues outside your marriage, but maybe the both of you need to see a married couple who can help you, if your husband is willing? This isn't something I would muck around with, it can really cause a foot hold in your marriage.

Oh my...it is VERY hard to communicate when it's met with silence!!! :cry: He just puts his arm around me, hugs me, or finds some other way to shrug it off.

And yes, I have tried talking to him. Just last night I did, and he just put his arm around me and went to sleep!!! :giveup: I seriously am really considering it. I'm getting to the point where I just.....dont.........care. It's hurting me, it frustrating me......

My two cents:

Intimate touching leads to sex, if he does not want (or fears) sex for any reason this will be avoided.

If you communicate the removal of sex from the picture for the evening and then tell him you would just like to lie together and watch a movie or something, you may see his behavior change.

I remember reading about men who became more intimate with their wives when they got their period, because they knew it was safe to express love because their would be (no sex tonight).

Life is stressful and it effects peoples sex lives, in both drive and performance which in turn adds more stress like you cant believe, especially if the relationship is felt as being based on it in some way.

You asked for communication and he told you that it was too important to you.

You might want to suggest trying to stop altogether for a month if he feels its too important to you, it might help restart things.

Or just don't initiate things for a month and see what happens, could take the pressure off, which might be making things worse.

In the end he may just not need this as much as you do. I think the average for married couples is two or three times a week.

Look at the health picture too.
http://www.salon.com/health/log/1999/06/01/zinc/

Oh my...it is VERY hard to communicate when it's met with silence!!! :cry: He just puts his arm around me, hugs me, or finds some other way to shrug it off.

And yes, I have tried talking to him. Just last night I did, and he just put his arm around me and went to sleep!!! :giveup: I seriously am really considering it. I'm getting to the point where I just.....dont.........care. It's hurting me, it frustrating me......

It really breaks my heart to hear about this. :( I can't imagine how rejected you must feel. I don't think your husband understands how this is affecting you. I strongly encourage you to seek counseling before the enemy brings temptation your way (or his).