waslostnowfound
Jul 17th 2009, 09:58 PM
Hello Everyone! My name is Craig. I have never written about or told anyone about the events that led to my eyes being opened and the world as I knew it being exposed as a hornets nest of lies, deceit, selfishness, and misery, most of which I had created by my own choices and actions. The only person who could come close to describing what had happened to me is my wonderful wife Cassie. Although she had her own problems and demons to deal with, she was there for me and continues to be each and every day of my life.
I have been praying about how and where to begin my story and I have decided not to dwell so much on my 30 years of substance abuse, but on my prison transfermation and the wonderful things my Lord and Savior have done for me since.
My father was an alcoholic Methodist (he died of cirrhosis in 1992 at the age of 50) and my mother was a rebellious Catholic. Because of the animosity between their families, they eloped. I didn't realize until years later that I was present at the wedding! LOL! I believe that the events that surrounded their courtship and marriage were the main reason there was never any church, prayer, bibles, or any discussion of that nature present in my childhood. It was an unwritten rule that those subjects were taboo. My parents were not atheists or agnostics, but I think they were disillusioned by the unchristian actions of the professed christians in their lives.
I began drinking at the age of 12. The very first beer resulted in a throwing up, crawling home, passed out binge. I quickly realized that I couldn't stop after one or two drinks. I seem to have been a full blown alcholic from the beginning.
My high school and college years were filled with more of the same. A pattern began to emerge and drinking became the focus of my life rather than a pasttime.
I dropped out of college, joined the Marine Corp, and married the first woman who said yes. I think I was trying to escape the people I had hurt, and the bridges I had burned through my uncontrollable drinking. I had not become a drug addict at this point. I didn't like any of the things I had tried and preferred the alcoholic lifestyle to the shady world of drugs.
After two failed marriages, numerous problems with the law, and financial disaster, I met some friends who used the new kind of street drug called "ICE". They drank like I did and liked to do the same things I did. After a few months of resisting the temptation, I finally tried Meth for the first time. It was like a miracle drug! I could drink all night, never get drunk, never pass out, and have sex all night long. I quickly became a daily user.
Like all drugs, Ice gave me nothing but false promises and a broken and battered body and soul. I began dealing it and a year later, December 15, 2005, I was arrested and charged in Federal court for Conspiracy to Distribute a Controlled Substance.
I should add at this point that I had met and married my wife, Cassie. She was using meth also and we had so many things in common. When I got arrested she was 5 months pregnant. All these things attributed to me hitting the proverbial bottom. I was devastated. Although I knew that all these years of using and abusing were leading me down the road to distruction, I only cared about my own self gratification and living for the moment.
While in prison I became a hateful, resentful, emotional wreck. Many nights I cried myself to sleep until I couldn't cry anymore. I felt like I didn't deserve what had happened to me. I was giving a 14 year prison term, and at 40 years old my life was over and there was nothing I could do about it. I was going to lose everything that gave me what little joy I had in my life. One good thing, or bad depending on how you look at it, about prison is that you have lots and lots of time to do nothing. You find different things to fill the voids you are forced to live with. Reading became my main interest.
In the past, I had had a little curiosity about God and Religion, and my reading began to drift into material that had Christian and inspirational tones. When you read all the Stephen King and John Grisham books on the shelf, you start reading everything that is left. I read the "Left Behind" series and it left me with a good feeling and a lot of questions. I later found out that the books took a lot of liberties with the Word, but they did start me on a path.
I wound up in a medium security prison in Florence, CO. My wife and newborn little girl were finally able to visit me. I had been locked up for 10 months and only had non-contact visits previously. My wife was soooooo supportive. She had brought little Shadie Lane to see me only two days after she was born. I had wanted to hold her so badly and finally I was going to be able to!:pp When I finally held that beautiful baby girl in my arms, my life changed. I knew that she knew who I was, and that she loved me unconditionally. She trusted me and didn't judge me because of my past. To her I was only daddy. Not a drunk, irresponsible deadbeat. I saw this all in her eyes and felt it in her touch.
After that wonderful first visit, I knew there had to be more to my life than what it had become. I attended church services a couple of times and posed some questions to a guy in our unit who had been in prison 8 years. He seemed to have joy and peace that I never thought was possible in such a horrible place. He gave me my first Bible and wasn't pushy or self-righteous.
One day, I went into the chow hall and there happened to be an empty seat across from him. I sat down and as we were eating, I asked him if we could meet and talk about some religious stuff! LOL! He said sure, we could that evening. I agreed and added that I didn't know how it would go because I had a really hard heart. I'm here to tell you that his head shot up and his eyes lit up at those words. He gave me an exact time and place and I agreed to be there.
When we met, he said he wanted me to read something before we started. He opened his Bible and turned to Ezekiel 36: 24-28.
It reads:
"For I will take you from among the nations, gather you out of all the countries, and bring you into your own land. Then I will sprinkle clean water on you and you shall be clean; I will cleanse you from all your filthiness and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. I will put my spirit within you and cause you to walk in My statutes, and you will keep My judgements and do them. Then you shall dwell in the land that I gave your fathers, you shall be My people, and I will be your God."
By the time I finished reading this the tears were rolling down my face and I was sobbing uncontrollably. Eugene and I read some more scripture, we prayed, and I was saved in that moment. I later found out that Eugene had been doing a study on Ezekiel and that passage had been on his mind all of that day. Isn't it wonderful how God works.
My life changed over night. The music I listened to, the books I read, the way I talked, everything. I developed a voracious appetite for Jesus Christ. I had a very filthy mouth. Profanity was second nature to me. After that night it stopped almost immediately. The emptiness, sadness, and self-loathing were gone.
Shortly after that experience, I had a very profound revelation. I felt like Jesus was holding me just as I had held my daughter a few days before. the same joy and happiness I had felt, He was feeling now! To feel so wanted and so important to Him was incredible. I never felt that anyone could love me because of the awful things I had done. Because I had felt the same things when holding my little girl, I knew it was all true. I never again wanted to disappoint Him or shame Him in any way.
I could never list in this forum everything He has accomplished in my life since then. Miraculously, my sentence was reviewed and I was released August 1, 2008. I have been reunited with my family, was blessed with a wonderful employment opportunity. I pay my bills now, (a huge step for me!) and there is no substance abuse in our lives.
For years I attended AA meetings and tried to stop drinking on my own, but I never really cared how it would all end. Jesus has given me the focus and wisdom to know that I don't have to use chemicals to experience the things I longed for so much.
Today.....I have peace! At the point in my life when I realized I was powerless, and I wished that I wouldn't hurt anymore, God was there to pick up the peices and make me whole again.
I owe Him my life. I now know that He already gave His for my wretched soul.
This is the abridged version of my life. I tried not to be too long winded.
Thank you all for this opportunity. I pray that in some way my story will give glory where it belongs. To my lifesaver Jesus Christ!
Craig
I have been praying about how and where to begin my story and I have decided not to dwell so much on my 30 years of substance abuse, but on my prison transfermation and the wonderful things my Lord and Savior have done for me since.
My father was an alcoholic Methodist (he died of cirrhosis in 1992 at the age of 50) and my mother was a rebellious Catholic. Because of the animosity between their families, they eloped. I didn't realize until years later that I was present at the wedding! LOL! I believe that the events that surrounded their courtship and marriage were the main reason there was never any church, prayer, bibles, or any discussion of that nature present in my childhood. It was an unwritten rule that those subjects were taboo. My parents were not atheists or agnostics, but I think they were disillusioned by the unchristian actions of the professed christians in their lives.
I began drinking at the age of 12. The very first beer resulted in a throwing up, crawling home, passed out binge. I quickly realized that I couldn't stop after one or two drinks. I seem to have been a full blown alcholic from the beginning.
My high school and college years were filled with more of the same. A pattern began to emerge and drinking became the focus of my life rather than a pasttime.
I dropped out of college, joined the Marine Corp, and married the first woman who said yes. I think I was trying to escape the people I had hurt, and the bridges I had burned through my uncontrollable drinking. I had not become a drug addict at this point. I didn't like any of the things I had tried and preferred the alcoholic lifestyle to the shady world of drugs.
After two failed marriages, numerous problems with the law, and financial disaster, I met some friends who used the new kind of street drug called "ICE". They drank like I did and liked to do the same things I did. After a few months of resisting the temptation, I finally tried Meth for the first time. It was like a miracle drug! I could drink all night, never get drunk, never pass out, and have sex all night long. I quickly became a daily user.
Like all drugs, Ice gave me nothing but false promises and a broken and battered body and soul. I began dealing it and a year later, December 15, 2005, I was arrested and charged in Federal court for Conspiracy to Distribute a Controlled Substance.
I should add at this point that I had met and married my wife, Cassie. She was using meth also and we had so many things in common. When I got arrested she was 5 months pregnant. All these things attributed to me hitting the proverbial bottom. I was devastated. Although I knew that all these years of using and abusing were leading me down the road to distruction, I only cared about my own self gratification and living for the moment.
While in prison I became a hateful, resentful, emotional wreck. Many nights I cried myself to sleep until I couldn't cry anymore. I felt like I didn't deserve what had happened to me. I was giving a 14 year prison term, and at 40 years old my life was over and there was nothing I could do about it. I was going to lose everything that gave me what little joy I had in my life. One good thing, or bad depending on how you look at it, about prison is that you have lots and lots of time to do nothing. You find different things to fill the voids you are forced to live with. Reading became my main interest.
In the past, I had had a little curiosity about God and Religion, and my reading began to drift into material that had Christian and inspirational tones. When you read all the Stephen King and John Grisham books on the shelf, you start reading everything that is left. I read the "Left Behind" series and it left me with a good feeling and a lot of questions. I later found out that the books took a lot of liberties with the Word, but they did start me on a path.
I wound up in a medium security prison in Florence, CO. My wife and newborn little girl were finally able to visit me. I had been locked up for 10 months and only had non-contact visits previously. My wife was soooooo supportive. She had brought little Shadie Lane to see me only two days after she was born. I had wanted to hold her so badly and finally I was going to be able to!:pp When I finally held that beautiful baby girl in my arms, my life changed. I knew that she knew who I was, and that she loved me unconditionally. She trusted me and didn't judge me because of my past. To her I was only daddy. Not a drunk, irresponsible deadbeat. I saw this all in her eyes and felt it in her touch.
After that wonderful first visit, I knew there had to be more to my life than what it had become. I attended church services a couple of times and posed some questions to a guy in our unit who had been in prison 8 years. He seemed to have joy and peace that I never thought was possible in such a horrible place. He gave me my first Bible and wasn't pushy or self-righteous.
One day, I went into the chow hall and there happened to be an empty seat across from him. I sat down and as we were eating, I asked him if we could meet and talk about some religious stuff! LOL! He said sure, we could that evening. I agreed and added that I didn't know how it would go because I had a really hard heart. I'm here to tell you that his head shot up and his eyes lit up at those words. He gave me an exact time and place and I agreed to be there.
When we met, he said he wanted me to read something before we started. He opened his Bible and turned to Ezekiel 36: 24-28.
It reads:
"For I will take you from among the nations, gather you out of all the countries, and bring you into your own land. Then I will sprinkle clean water on you and you shall be clean; I will cleanse you from all your filthiness and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. I will put my spirit within you and cause you to walk in My statutes, and you will keep My judgements and do them. Then you shall dwell in the land that I gave your fathers, you shall be My people, and I will be your God."
By the time I finished reading this the tears were rolling down my face and I was sobbing uncontrollably. Eugene and I read some more scripture, we prayed, and I was saved in that moment. I later found out that Eugene had been doing a study on Ezekiel and that passage had been on his mind all of that day. Isn't it wonderful how God works.
My life changed over night. The music I listened to, the books I read, the way I talked, everything. I developed a voracious appetite for Jesus Christ. I had a very filthy mouth. Profanity was second nature to me. After that night it stopped almost immediately. The emptiness, sadness, and self-loathing were gone.
Shortly after that experience, I had a very profound revelation. I felt like Jesus was holding me just as I had held my daughter a few days before. the same joy and happiness I had felt, He was feeling now! To feel so wanted and so important to Him was incredible. I never felt that anyone could love me because of the awful things I had done. Because I had felt the same things when holding my little girl, I knew it was all true. I never again wanted to disappoint Him or shame Him in any way.
I could never list in this forum everything He has accomplished in my life since then. Miraculously, my sentence was reviewed and I was released August 1, 2008. I have been reunited with my family, was blessed with a wonderful employment opportunity. I pay my bills now, (a huge step for me!) and there is no substance abuse in our lives.
For years I attended AA meetings and tried to stop drinking on my own, but I never really cared how it would all end. Jesus has given me the focus and wisdom to know that I don't have to use chemicals to experience the things I longed for so much.
Today.....I have peace! At the point in my life when I realized I was powerless, and I wished that I wouldn't hurt anymore, God was there to pick up the peices and make me whole again.
I owe Him my life. I now know that He already gave His for my wretched soul.
This is the abridged version of my life. I tried not to be too long winded.
Thank you all for this opportunity. I pray that in some way my story will give glory where it belongs. To my lifesaver Jesus Christ!
Craig