luckycat
Aug 6th 2009, 02:31 PM
I can't really ask my questions without giving you some background so, for those who read this, I'm sorry but it's going to be lengthy.
I've never gotten along very well with my dad's side of the family. Although I do get on good with my grandparents and one aunt and uncle, it's very difficult for me to relate to most of the other relatives on that side, and it is due to conflicting lifestyles and beliefs. My whole life we have not seen them too often and my parents have always said their religious beliefs were weird, but things came to a head when I was a teen.
I quit going to church when I was fourteen after 1-2 years of rebellion. When I say rebellion, I mean screaming and flailing violently when woken to get ready for church, shouting at the top of my voice that I hated God and loved the devil - I wasn't a Satanist or devil worshipper but that got the most rise out of my shocked parents - and having to be literally held and dragged into the church building. I would also refuse to speak to anyone in church or participate in any way, so my parents let me quit. They themselves stopped going when I was sixteen. My attitude and behaviour was a lot different on any other day, though my parents and I did argue frequently, and looking back, I'm not exactly sure what I found so loathsome and upsetting about church. There doesn't seem to be any reason why I couldn't just grudgingly participate for the one hour required, but that's not the way I saw it at the time.
My relationship with my father's side of the family had never been very strong but it completely crumbled around the time I was fifteen. That side of the family is made up primarily of very conservative or perhaps even fundamentalist believers. I'm not sure their faith is Christian but they say it is. Two of my uncles are pastors. At the time, my parents mentioned what was going on with me and that I'd quit church and loudly professed to not be a Christian. My parents were also both having doubts about their beliefs as well. The response from that side of the family was not at all supportive and mostly consisted of threats to get with it or burn. There was also a lot of blame that my parents had to face, as my relatives would tell them they should have continued to force me into church physically and should have spanked me or refused to let me eat food until I cheerfully complied with their demands. My cousins were told basically not to listen to anything I said even about other topics and I was discouraged from spending time with them at get-togethers out of fear that I'd influence them badly.
I'm not surprised that I disliked them at the time, given that my hatred for church-going extended to the church family and even religious people in general. However, even now we are not reconciled and I really dislike being around them. Their views are definitely much more conservative than mine and this extends to social issues and politics, so when we get together at reunions or holidays the choice for me is to ignore them or we end up in discussions that become battles. There is not much on which we can agree. Their views are very legalistic and they shy away from things such as movies, dancing or card games (non-gambling, even), which I don't understand. I guess I view their chosen lifestyles as very plain and boring and they view me as wild and sinful. At times, different relatives have even exhorted me to start attending churches in their denomination and have told me that the churches I like to go to are sinful and non-Biblical precisely because they don't preach social conservatism or abandonment of worldly things like alcohol use in moderation, pants for women, long hair on men, riding bikes, seeing movies and so on. They discount the fact that the sermons are Biblical just because of the lack of legalistic preaching. I happen to think it's their churches that are not Biblical because I don't see a Biblical basis for their ideas about dress, hobbies and gender roles.
My questions are, first, is it wrong to make a decision to avoid these people? Every time I see them it's like someone has pushed a button that raises my temper and encourages rebellion. The minute I see them, I want to misbehave or say something offensive to them, and that is how it's always been. My father no longer associates with most of these people either and they don't live near my parents or me. The only time I'm expected to see them is at Thanksgiving, but I've often skipped the party so as to avoid them. One of my uncles will, almost immediately at a reunion, tell my parents they should have "beaten the devil out" of me when they had a chance and an aunt of mine won't let me hold her babies or watch the little kids because she thinks I'm such a bad influence, even though I started going to services occasionally when I was eighteen and now consider myself a Christian. How do I cope with this, or is it better to wash my hands and move on?
My other question is, how can tell them how I feel? There are three cousins close in age to me that I knew and liked as a small child. Two are now married with little children and the other is in college like I am. I feel like we would have something to say to each other and it might be nice to write occasionally, at least. They are really the only people whose relationship I want to salvage, but I'm not sure how to explain myself or get started talking. Any advice?
I've never gotten along very well with my dad's side of the family. Although I do get on good with my grandparents and one aunt and uncle, it's very difficult for me to relate to most of the other relatives on that side, and it is due to conflicting lifestyles and beliefs. My whole life we have not seen them too often and my parents have always said their religious beliefs were weird, but things came to a head when I was a teen.
I quit going to church when I was fourteen after 1-2 years of rebellion. When I say rebellion, I mean screaming and flailing violently when woken to get ready for church, shouting at the top of my voice that I hated God and loved the devil - I wasn't a Satanist or devil worshipper but that got the most rise out of my shocked parents - and having to be literally held and dragged into the church building. I would also refuse to speak to anyone in church or participate in any way, so my parents let me quit. They themselves stopped going when I was sixteen. My attitude and behaviour was a lot different on any other day, though my parents and I did argue frequently, and looking back, I'm not exactly sure what I found so loathsome and upsetting about church. There doesn't seem to be any reason why I couldn't just grudgingly participate for the one hour required, but that's not the way I saw it at the time.
My relationship with my father's side of the family had never been very strong but it completely crumbled around the time I was fifteen. That side of the family is made up primarily of very conservative or perhaps even fundamentalist believers. I'm not sure their faith is Christian but they say it is. Two of my uncles are pastors. At the time, my parents mentioned what was going on with me and that I'd quit church and loudly professed to not be a Christian. My parents were also both having doubts about their beliefs as well. The response from that side of the family was not at all supportive and mostly consisted of threats to get with it or burn. There was also a lot of blame that my parents had to face, as my relatives would tell them they should have continued to force me into church physically and should have spanked me or refused to let me eat food until I cheerfully complied with their demands. My cousins were told basically not to listen to anything I said even about other topics and I was discouraged from spending time with them at get-togethers out of fear that I'd influence them badly.
I'm not surprised that I disliked them at the time, given that my hatred for church-going extended to the church family and even religious people in general. However, even now we are not reconciled and I really dislike being around them. Their views are definitely much more conservative than mine and this extends to social issues and politics, so when we get together at reunions or holidays the choice for me is to ignore them or we end up in discussions that become battles. There is not much on which we can agree. Their views are very legalistic and they shy away from things such as movies, dancing or card games (non-gambling, even), which I don't understand. I guess I view their chosen lifestyles as very plain and boring and they view me as wild and sinful. At times, different relatives have even exhorted me to start attending churches in their denomination and have told me that the churches I like to go to are sinful and non-Biblical precisely because they don't preach social conservatism or abandonment of worldly things like alcohol use in moderation, pants for women, long hair on men, riding bikes, seeing movies and so on. They discount the fact that the sermons are Biblical just because of the lack of legalistic preaching. I happen to think it's their churches that are not Biblical because I don't see a Biblical basis for their ideas about dress, hobbies and gender roles.
My questions are, first, is it wrong to make a decision to avoid these people? Every time I see them it's like someone has pushed a button that raises my temper and encourages rebellion. The minute I see them, I want to misbehave or say something offensive to them, and that is how it's always been. My father no longer associates with most of these people either and they don't live near my parents or me. The only time I'm expected to see them is at Thanksgiving, but I've often skipped the party so as to avoid them. One of my uncles will, almost immediately at a reunion, tell my parents they should have "beaten the devil out" of me when they had a chance and an aunt of mine won't let me hold her babies or watch the little kids because she thinks I'm such a bad influence, even though I started going to services occasionally when I was eighteen and now consider myself a Christian. How do I cope with this, or is it better to wash my hands and move on?
My other question is, how can tell them how I feel? There are three cousins close in age to me that I knew and liked as a small child. Two are now married with little children and the other is in college like I am. I feel like we would have something to say to each other and it might be nice to write occasionally, at least. They are really the only people whose relationship I want to salvage, but I'm not sure how to explain myself or get started talking. Any advice?