LostLamb
Jul 12th 2010, 12:20 AM
I'm new at this so please, bear with me.
My family didn't go to church. Our spirituality was our own and not to be discussed, and if it was brought up, it wasn't taken seriously. When I was a child, I went to church every Sunday and went to Bible study (Crusaders, it was called) every Wednesday. This was done completely of my own accord. Adhering to no particular denomination, I don't think my childish mind could comprehend the importance of the lessons that I ought to have learned. I didn't glean the word of Christ from the bible, but craved the acceptance of my peers and wished to earn their praise. I don't blame anyone for the inability to learn of god's love for me (although, I did have an inkling) but I do wish that my family had been more involved, that my mistakes could have been uncovered so that I may have learned what the Bible really had to say. It wasn't about remembering what book came after Esther, but about the message in Job that was fundamental- one that would have saved me much heartache in my later years.
I grew older and wondered, 'If He loves me, why did He let this happen?!' The question circled in my mind over and over. I lost what little faith I had. When I was a teenager, I was angry. I hated God.
When I was an adult, I realized that the bad things in my life weren't ANYONE's fault. They certainly weren't God's. In order for me to appreciate the good things, I had to get through the bad things. I started going to church, but again for the wrong reasons. I needed a friend but my eyes weren't where they should have been. They were in the pews where the friendly faces were, it didn't even occur to me that I could find solace in Christ. My life felt hollow and meaningless. I stopped going soon after, finding no solace in the company of man.
Soon after, I found my husband. A man I cherished. He is my best friend, my confidant, my soul mate. I didn't think it was possible to be this blessed, but I am.
It still didn't fill the hollow place in my heart. The beautiful house filled with beautiful things. The bliss of finding my perfect mate. I was still so unhappy and when we were posted away from my family and the loneliness settled in, I found myself in the depths of despair.
I decided to kill myself. That thought being the deafening sound of me slamming into the bottom of that black, hollow drum my heart had become. Things had become dire at home. My unhappiness with myself had caused me to lose my job, and I was unable to find a new one. Our debt slid out of control. We claimed bankruptcy. That, and three and a half years of painful disappointment in my attempt to bring a child into the world, resulting in one miscarriage soon after Christmas just seemed too much. God didn't love me, I thought. I was forgotten. I wasn't a proper woman, I couldn't bring a child into this world-- which is a God given right as a woman. Certainly, God didn't deem me worthy for what a 16 year old girl, or a prostitute, or a drug addict could do. I was angry, frustrated and grieving.
I realized soon after getting out of the hospital, that looking for comfort in another person was not right. I had been looking in all the wrong places. It got me thinking about how negative a person I was, what my sins were and that my penance was long past due.
'God gave his only begotten Son so that whosoever believes in him shall not perish, but have everlasting life.' John 3:16.
I had this one passage bored into my head at a young age. I was actually in the shower the day I got out of the hospital when this popped into my head. I had never thought on it before until then.
That night, I got out my bible and reread that verse but in tradition of my penchant to want to know the whole thing, I contemplated reading the whole Gospel. Then, I began to read. Not John, but Genesis. The beginning. How suitable.
I'm on my quest to find Christ and find myself ravenous for His word. I feel like my new found faith is everything that I've been searching for all this time.
My family didn't go to church. Our spirituality was our own and not to be discussed, and if it was brought up, it wasn't taken seriously. When I was a child, I went to church every Sunday and went to Bible study (Crusaders, it was called) every Wednesday. This was done completely of my own accord. Adhering to no particular denomination, I don't think my childish mind could comprehend the importance of the lessons that I ought to have learned. I didn't glean the word of Christ from the bible, but craved the acceptance of my peers and wished to earn their praise. I don't blame anyone for the inability to learn of god's love for me (although, I did have an inkling) but I do wish that my family had been more involved, that my mistakes could have been uncovered so that I may have learned what the Bible really had to say. It wasn't about remembering what book came after Esther, but about the message in Job that was fundamental- one that would have saved me much heartache in my later years.
I grew older and wondered, 'If He loves me, why did He let this happen?!' The question circled in my mind over and over. I lost what little faith I had. When I was a teenager, I was angry. I hated God.
When I was an adult, I realized that the bad things in my life weren't ANYONE's fault. They certainly weren't God's. In order for me to appreciate the good things, I had to get through the bad things. I started going to church, but again for the wrong reasons. I needed a friend but my eyes weren't where they should have been. They were in the pews where the friendly faces were, it didn't even occur to me that I could find solace in Christ. My life felt hollow and meaningless. I stopped going soon after, finding no solace in the company of man.
Soon after, I found my husband. A man I cherished. He is my best friend, my confidant, my soul mate. I didn't think it was possible to be this blessed, but I am.
It still didn't fill the hollow place in my heart. The beautiful house filled with beautiful things. The bliss of finding my perfect mate. I was still so unhappy and when we were posted away from my family and the loneliness settled in, I found myself in the depths of despair.
I decided to kill myself. That thought being the deafening sound of me slamming into the bottom of that black, hollow drum my heart had become. Things had become dire at home. My unhappiness with myself had caused me to lose my job, and I was unable to find a new one. Our debt slid out of control. We claimed bankruptcy. That, and three and a half years of painful disappointment in my attempt to bring a child into the world, resulting in one miscarriage soon after Christmas just seemed too much. God didn't love me, I thought. I was forgotten. I wasn't a proper woman, I couldn't bring a child into this world-- which is a God given right as a woman. Certainly, God didn't deem me worthy for what a 16 year old girl, or a prostitute, or a drug addict could do. I was angry, frustrated and grieving.
I realized soon after getting out of the hospital, that looking for comfort in another person was not right. I had been looking in all the wrong places. It got me thinking about how negative a person I was, what my sins were and that my penance was long past due.
'God gave his only begotten Son so that whosoever believes in him shall not perish, but have everlasting life.' John 3:16.
I had this one passage bored into my head at a young age. I was actually in the shower the day I got out of the hospital when this popped into my head. I had never thought on it before until then.
That night, I got out my bible and reread that verse but in tradition of my penchant to want to know the whole thing, I contemplated reading the whole Gospel. Then, I began to read. Not John, but Genesis. The beginning. How suitable.
I'm on my quest to find Christ and find myself ravenous for His word. I feel like my new found faith is everything that I've been searching for all this time.