I've been dating her for a little over a month and I'm about to ask her on friday night to make it official. She will most likely say yes. Her and I go to the same church, my parents go to another denominational church which believes different as mine. I met her and have been friends with her for 3 years. So recently my parents found out about a traumatic event in her past. Basically when she was 15 (she will be 19 in 2 months) her step brother(She is adopted and lives in a home with other adopted kids) raped her and impregnated her. He plead guilty to the involuntary rape charges. She had the baby and gave it up for adoption. Well my parents tell me they don't approve of me dating her at all. The thing is I will be 20 soon! I have a full time job lined up this month and my own car. I am crazy about her and she is the nicest sweetest person in the world even to the point where I can't even tell her how they feel b/c it would probably hurt her feelings she thinks there the greatest people in the world. Maybe it's because she is puerto rican and I am white; and my dad even said once I have to watch out for latina women. Her family loves me Im best friends with her brother and her mom knows I will treat her daughter right. What should I do? My parents really have a strong hold on me mentally. They throw guilt trips on me if I don't do as they wish. They say they don't believe that she was raped and that I should be with someone pure and chaste if I wanna be a preacher(I do). We are dating the old fashioned way, our pastor is behind it as is her family, I asked them first. I really enjoy my time spent with this girl, and so far our relationship is Godly and with boundaries. I can see her most of all being a help to my ministry and a great Godly person to trust and confide in the rest of my life. But I still live with my parents (for now) so what should I do?

You are an adult therefore the choice is yours.

That may seem like a flippant answer. Its not intended to be. You found a woman whom you have known and been friends with for a good deal of time. You guys get along and you are crazy about her. Her family loves you. Thats always tricky part. You go to the same church. Thats good because alot of younger people struggle with finding someone that shares their faith or denomination.

The only obsticle I see is your parents. While we are to honor them that by no means letting them micromanage or control our lives in through adulthood. You are a man. You are of age to make choices of your own as you are an adult. I see nothing restricting this relationship (the rape/her race)

Overall i see that you found a good Christian woman! God be praised! Talk to your pastor about this. I see no reason that you should be prevented from dating this woman from what you have presented here. You're parents need to respect that you are an adult and you need to make your own decisions.

Since you are an adult. You need to think about taking that next step and moving out. Make a budget and see what factors out. Total what you make a month. Then count rent, energy and other expenses that you have and see what you can afford. You'd be surprised what you can live without or what you would be able to afford if you save.

Make some goals and go after them. Talk to your lady about it. After all i can't stress communication enough as super important in any relationship.

This is just my opinion...so take it for what its worth..but dating only a month just isn't long enough..even if you have been friends for three years. There is a huge difference in a friend relationship vs a more romantic one. I think you should continue dating while you save up the money to move out....the problem with being under your parents roof is you still need to abide by their rules and the more they can control you also. I think they are using this rape as an excuse too...the man was convicted after all! What more proof do they need? What 15 year old girl is going to have to have sex with a father figure? Only one that is super messed up and this doesn't sound like her at all. That is pretty sick actually your parents think this or even said it out loud to you.

Its a sad world when people blame victims but it does happen alot actually..which does more damage to them. Eventually she will find out how they really feel and I am afraid it will cause her more damage and feeling a terrible betrayal too because they are being so nice to her face, then saying these awful things about her behind her back. I am going to pray the Holy Spirit convicts them over what they are doing...

Meanwhile to hopefully keep them from hurting her more...please hold off on asking her to marry you while you are still living under their roof. Because once you do and your parents find out they are label to tell her these things to her face to try to run her off...:cry: You need to protect her from that if at all possible...

Please think about this and pray about it...

God bless

I've been dating her for a little over a month and I'm about to ask her on friday night to make it official.

If by "make it official" you mean getting engaged then the advice I'd give you is to slow down. You've been dating a little over a month, so unless there's a very pressing reason why you need that ring on her finger right now then what is lost by waiting a while, dating longer, and then thinking about rings and marriage?

Regarding your parents - yes, consider what they say. But as others have said you're an adult now so you get to make your own decisions regarding who you date. Do just be aware of the temptation to attempt to solve lots of problems at once - on the face of it you've found yourself a great Christian girl and if you marry her and get a place with her then all your problems go away. Digging a little deeper, the old saying "act in haste, repent at leisure" could easily prove itself true.

k by "make it official" I mean going steady though. not talking about gettin engaged yet, but I can really see myself marrying her. But I will let time run it's course on that cuz idt Im ready for that yet. So you guys believe that I should follow where the Lord is leading me when my parents don't agree. They said it's my choice but they will try to make it hard for me so how should I go about this?

k by "make it official" I mean going steady though. not talking about gettin engaged yet, but I can really see myself marrying her. But I will let time run it's course on that cuz idt Im ready for that yet. So you guys believe that I should follow where the Lord is leading me when my parents don't agree. They said it's my choice but they will try to make it hard for me so how should I go about this?

Honestly, I wouldn't spend so much time worrying about defining where your relationship is. So many couples go through so many stages that mean whatever they want them to mean and sometmies they just get silly (I always wondered what it means to be "unofficially engaged"). Just enjoy each others' company.

If you're talking about making a nonexclusive relationship exclusive then scratch what I just said... it's been a while since I did the whole dating thing.

lol yes that's what I mean making it exclusive

I think you need to talk to your Pastor about your parents position and ask him if he can help to mediate between you. Since your Pastor knows you, the girl, and your parents, hopefully he would be able to talk to your parents about allowing the courtship to continue. You need to be respectful to your parents but you need to help them to see you as an adult who is carefully considering his future. It's important that if your relationship with this girl continues, your parents are on board with it. Otherwise, you will be facing a future where you will be pulled between your parents and your wife--not a good situation to be in if you can avoid it.

Otherwise, you will be facing a future where you will be pulled between your parents and your wife--not a good situation to be in if you can avoid it.

This is an interesting point. Which brings up some things to mind.

Are the parents Christian? While i was sitting here thinking I couldn't help but think about how irresponsible the parents behavior is (as indicated by post #5). If the parents are Christian then they should seek pastoral advice regarding this situation aswell.

If they literally said they would make it hard for the OP then they trangress over Paul's instruction to not provoke their children (Eph 6:4; Col 3:21) on top of having an ungodly attitude over the whole thing.

My advice to the OP remains but i also think that the parents have a responsibility in this. Not only one of instruction on raising the boy but allowing this young man to be exactly that... a man. Saying "We dont exactly agree with the relationship" is one thing but to make this boy choose based on guilt trips and other such behavior is irresponsible.

If i disagree with someone's decision on something I respectfully voice my opinion and go into great depth as to why. When its another Christian then i painstakingly search scripture or pray and try to expound on my thoughts to the best of my limited ability.

It appears that they see her as a sexual transgressor. Is that what Christ sees? Or does He instead see someone saved by grace? I am obviously not going to comment on the fact that they are seemingly making a rape victim an active participant and a liar. That's beyond terrible.

To the OP: If you are going to make it "official" then why not keep it between the two of you? If the parents present that much of an obstacle then perhaps wait to inform them. Go about your normal life with work, social life, church and the lady. I see no need to inform them if they are going to be obstinate for the time.

What i struggle with is that you appear to have a Godly woman and I see no reason to object to this. The supposed "problems" of implied sexual immorality and race are no real problems. If someone was to object to the relationship i would want to see that done biblically. Otherwise i don't see you as being restricted by the 5th commandment.

The best thing to say is (if one was to object) "It is your decision. You are my son whom i love. I want to see you happy. Though i don't agree I will pray about this and wish you the best." I would be happy my boy found a good Christian woman to be with. They are a rare commodity these days (at least around my parts).

Again living under their roof doesn't mean to be yoked by their unfounded objections. I pray that your relationship be strengthened and blessed with this lady and you may not be bogged down with people making it hard on you. Persevere through prayer brother!