Okay... this is some relationship stuff... I completely feel like crap right now, I didn't know whether to post this in the prayer forum or here to just talk about or what... But I was in a relationship with this guy off and on for 5 years, since I was 21. That was the first and only serious relationship I'd been in. After 2 years in 2008 we were really talking about getting married... we started looking for a place of our own and we weren't really trying to get pregnant but we weren't trying not to anymore either. I got pregnant and had a miscarriage. All after this we broke up a lot. It was always me leaving because of the way he'd treat me or things he'd say or do or whatever... it was always like I knew I shouldn't be with him but I still loved him and felt like I couldn't really stay away. Even all the times I prayed for God to take my feelings away for him I still felt like he was supposed to be in my life. Well... in 2009... we were fussing a lot... and right around the time I would've had the baby if I hadn't miscarried. I told him I wanted to work things out because I wanted to be with him. He lives an hour and a half away so we weren't seeing each other during this time we were fussing, just talking on the phone & texting. Well he left me for some other girl, which he kept telling me later he didn't leave me for her he just said he left me because I wasn't down there with him. I found out later he'd been talking about having sex with her and them getting together & all that junk a couple weeks before he actually broke up with me. She got pregnant the first week because the condom broke. She left him after 2 months, we got back together. (I know, big mistake) She had the baby in April of last year... at first he was talking about trying to get the baby taken away from her and him get full custody or put it up for adoption, he kept saying he didn't want anything to do with her and talked all kinds of trash about her... She didn't want him to see their son & he agreed not to as long as he didn't have to pay child support. They both got lawyers and signed something out of court. I got pregnant again last year after that and had another miscarriage.

Then in March she decided she wanted child support and started letting him see him...And here again... I got pregnant, still am. Found out in April... it was on purpose, we were trying. Everything was going fine... a day or two after the positive pregnancy test we went to his son's birthday party. In the weeks after that he started fussing because I wasn't having sex with him as often as we had been and as often as he liked. I told him it was because I was crampy & felt like I was going to puke 24/7... he started talking about cheating on me. The first couple times he brought it up I thought he was joking. He said he wouldn't really do it... On April 29th I went to the doctor & they did an ultrasound because of the past miscarriages... I was so worried the baby wouldn't have a heartbeat or that there wouldn't even be a baby... but we saw the heartbeat, I was 6w 6d. I was sooo happy & relieved after that... and then we were waiting in the room for the doctor to come in and he started it again. He said I couldn't say anything if he did cheat on me because I wasn't giving him sex like he wanted. I seriously don't see the big deal, we still did it twice a week... I thought he'd be more understanding because I was pregnant and feeling bad. He also started saying that I shouldn't stick around if I wasn't going to give him what he wanted or try to make him happy. I left after that and came to my mom's.. he thought I was just visiting but I wasn't sure what I was going to do yet. A couple days later I saw a chat between him and the mother of his son where he was complaining to her about the sex, having to take me to the doctor, and some things he was just lying about. It was the exact crap that he told me about her before she left. I felt sooo betrayed... I let him know I read it all. We fussed for a few days... and one day we were texting and he started saying things to me that confused the hell out of me... they were lies.. I mean like, when he was with her he was texting me and he mentioned cheating on her with me. I did want him back but I told him I wouldn't do that. He told me after I said that that he wouldn't have really done it anyways... just like he did when he was talking about cheating on me... but he sent a text that day saying that I tried to get him to cheat on her with me when they were together and I asked him what he was trying to do and told him he was freaking crazy and I blocked him. Afterwards I thought maybe she was with him or he was going to show her the texts blaming everything on me to get back with her. I just knew they were going to get back together... I talked to him maybe a week after that, just to see if he wanted me to keep him updated about the baby... and he lied again... he said that I kept him from seeing his son and he hated me for it. And again I was just like... what? He told me and everyone I don't know how many times he wasn't seeing his son because he didn't want anything to do with her. He said all of this crap about how she would turn his son against him and blah blah. But he said he didn't want to talk to me and he didn't want to hear anything about the baby.

So up until now I've been feeling like I hate him. It's one thing if he doesn't want anything to do with me but to not want anything to do with your child... It hurts, too... I don't want him back at all... It just... he's the only person I was really close to all that time and I really believed he loved me. I feel so stupid. Today I found out that he is back with his son's mother, I don't know how long, I don't care... That made me start crying today, though. I don't know if I'm more mad at myself or him. He did the exact same thing to me that he did to her...

Everyone's told me for a long time I deserve better. I left out a lot of stuff he's done... I know how bad of a person he is now... it just seems so unbelievable to me how someone could be planning to marry someone and trying for a baby and then just completely turn their back on them and treat them like **** after they get pregnant. I know I should've known better... he just always told me he loved me more than anyone else and he didn't really love her... I didn't think he'd do the same thing to me. So maybe I got what I deserved for sticking around; for going back...

I've just been trying to focus on this baby. They started me on progesterone & baby aspirin which I wasn't taking with the other two pregnancies. The first I lost at 8 weeks & the second at 9. I'm 12 weeks now and I've had two ultrasounds that they said looked great & I got to hear the heartbeat with the doppler at the doctor at 10 weeks... so I don't know if it's taking one of these or both of these that's making the pregnancy go okay now or what... I don't want him to be involved at all, but him nor his family have even checked to see if me or the baby were okay. I was 7 weeks when I left. I still want this baby. I feel like it's mine and not his... I just wish I wouldn't think about everything... what he did... that I wouldn't feel bad and I'd just be happy and enjoy this pregnancy. I'm also feeling like I won't be able to trust anyone again...

I'm sorry this was so long... I don't really have anyone to talk to about it. All my family have hated him for years and have been tired of hearing about him. Everyone's just telling me not to think about him or worry for the baby...


Also, every time I left him before I'd start having dreams and end up missing him which would make me talk to him again. I kept having them last night, I'd wake up and pray for God not to let me have them and to just stop thinking about him but I'd go back to sleep and dream about him. The first one I dreamt I tried to kill the other girl :rolleyes: The second I dreamt he was only with her for 2 days and decided he didn't want her and was trying to get me back, and the third I dreamt he was texting me telling me he missed me and asking when I was coming back. Those were real texts he sent a few weeks ago before he told me he hated me. So I started crying this morning. I don't want to go back but I'm worried if I keep dreaming like this I might want to like before...

I agree with your family,you and the baby are better off without him.

Are you married to him?

I am sorry to say this but he doesn't love you or your baby. He doesn't know what true love is. He is using emotional blackmail to try and get you to do just what he wants. I have been in your situation and ended up marrying the guy. It doesn't get better. Also often when you are getting emotional abuse it will turn to physical abuse toward you and your baby. You are not giving him what he wants so he is 'punishing' you by telling you he hates you and your baby. When this other woman does something he doesn't like he will come running back to you all apologies and telling you how it was her fault. You are out of this relationship so stay out. The feelings you have for him are genuine on your part and they will lessen in time. When I finally left my ex husband I had those feelings to but I turned them to God and let Jesus be my husband. I showed my love to Him and focused on Him and my children and it helped.

Praying for you and your baby:hug:

No, I'm not married to him. I've just found it hard to leave him for some reason. I've tried a few times over the past few years, I'll leave & miss him and go back. It's like I know I shouldn't be with him but I just eventually get so upset being away from him; I wish I didn't care about him. I was thinking it was different this time because of everything he said, that was the first time he'd told me he hated me and all of that, but that's the same stuff he said about the other girl after they broke up and now it seems like he cared more about getting back in her pants than he cares about me or this baby.

I really want it to be over... I know he doesn't really care about me now and I feel stupid for trusting him... I just hate getting all emotional about it and I feel stupid that I start missing him after all of the crap he's done. I think I'll be okay as long as I don't keep having dreams about him like I did last night...

Thank you guys for the prayers

I'm sorry that you are going through this. It seems like it is very hard and almost like a roller coaster.

My heart is concerned for you though. Where does the Lord come in this situation? I think you need a clear view on what has happened between you and your boyfriend. From my view over here, I don't feel like the Lord has been the center of this at all. I think it's been based upon feelings, desires, wants, and both of your needs. I know (and I'm sure you do to) someone who is trustworthy, true to His word, forgiving, and the definition of love. His name is Jesus Christ. I would encourage you to pray... pray very hard, with all of your heart, for the Lord to help you in this situation. Right now... I can only take from your post that this relationship is based upon sin. and... I don't think the Lord would have orchestrated that. So from that information, you gotta ask yourself, is this relationship more important than my relationship with God?

I'm sorry again for all the pain you are going through. Run to God... that's it. Flee from all this other stuff that hinders your relationship with Him.