Twin2
Jul 5th 2012, 10:12 PM
In April, I had what the doctor believed to be TIA (mini stroke). I'm only 44 years old, so to me, this was unheard of. Of course, I have been under a great deal of stress. My husband lost his job in January (company reorganizing for a sale. My husband is not one to stay out of work, so he took one job after another until he got his current job a few weeks ago. The jobs between January and now only paid about sixty percent of what he previously earned, so our family has suffered financially. Finally he is making an income similar to what we were used to in January. I work full-time and I'm an online college student, with about a year left till I get my degree.
In February, my 15 year old, healthy son had a stroke. He was paralyzed on the left side, but praise God, he recovered so quickly. It was not a mini stroke - it was a full blown stroke like an 80 year old could have. The stroke happened on a Sunday and my son returned to school on Thursday. They never determined the cause of the clot that caused his stroke. He has excellent blood lipid levels and they could not find any defects. The following Thursday, he left for a trip eight hours down the road with a few young men from our church to go to a youth revival. I was determined that I was going to trust God, and all of that would be a testimony. I knew that I was standing next to my son when his stroke occurred and when it happened, I was powerless, except to call out on God to intervene. Whether he was next to me or hours away, I knew I had to depend on God for his well being and of course his soul was the most important to me. I had to let him go. It is a testimony.
His only real struggle is to play his saxophone as he did before the stroke. The saxophone is so important to him. He wants a career in music. He thinks he wants to be a music instructor, but since his stroke decided he possibly may try to be a music therapist. The occupational therapist suggested he use a mirror to play the saxophone and that has helped him tremendously for concert band and jazz ensemble, but it is not something he thinks he can do for marching band. If we owned the instrument, perhaps we could try having it modified, but since we don't, that's not an option.
During the time after the stroke, my son had occupational therapy for his hand three times a week. The kids would go to school, and I to work. Immediately after work at 3:45, my kids would meet me at the school I work and we would go to the occupational therapy sessions. Then I would go home and make dinner, we'd do dishes and then I would try to start my college work. My house is small and there is no quiet place to study, so starting college work, meant interruptions from my husband and children as they tried to interact with me, phone calls, and such. Phone calls were at a very high level due to our financial responsibilities not being met due to my husband's job loss. So, about the time everyone started to go to bed at night, I could finally really focus on my college work. Trouble was, I would also be tired after getting up at 4:30 each morning. Most nights I would doze at the computer, not really getting college work done. I fell behind in my class, so I would stay up late most nights desperately trying to catch up, only to fall further behind. So many nights, I would doze until 12 or 1 am and then give up, sleep till 4:30 and my day would just repeat itself.
Then on April 29, a Sunday morning while getting ready for church, I had what the doctors said was a TIA (mini stroke). I was hospitalized for observation and tests, but they found nothing. My blood lipids were good. There was no indication of a clotting disorder. There were no blood clots in my lungs. My CT scan and MRI of the brain checked out okay. All my cardiac tests were good - no plaque in my caratoids and the heart looked great. Even my blood pressure was excellent. So, they called it TIA, put me on an extended release aspirin with an antiplatlet in it. I passed my class, but only with a C. I struggled through my next class, which started the day after the TIA. Adjusting to the new medicine made college work difficult. The first two weeks, I had such a headache that I couldn't hardly function. Then the next two weeks, the headache stopped, but I could not concentrate. I would look at my research, read and understand it, but I could not apply it to the writing of my papers. During those seven weeks, I had a total of three episodes, and two hospitalizations. My instructor was great. She worked with me, allowing me to turn in my work when I was able. I was supposed to start another class, but have pushed it back because I have been having episodes almost daily now.
It was suggested that the current episodes are partial seizures. My previous neurologist seemed to think my symptoms were cardiac and the cardiologist seemed to think they were neurologic. My family doctor had her nurse call another neurologist and ask him to see me as soon as he could. He got me in that afternoon, praise God. That was either Monday or Tuesday. I cannot remember at the moment. (Another problem - memory). So, he was able to look at my tests from April, and said there is a subtle spot on my brain in that region that controls my left arm and facial movements, which could explain the seizures. He made it clear he does not know what that spot is. Normally, he would ignore that subtle spot, but since I am having an increase in frequency and duration of the episodes, we should take another look to see if that spot changed. He thinks the spot may be scar tissue from a small stroke, probably occuring three weeks before I actually was hospitalized for TIA and having that MRI. If it is scar tissue, than I am likely having partial seizures. He does not believe it is a tumor. So, it looks like I will be put on seizure medicine to try to control the seizures.
I go Tuesday for an MRI of the brain and on Thursday for an EEG. Then I go to see the neurologist on Friday so we can discuss his findings. Meanwhile, we go to the children's hospital with my son on Wednesday to follow up with the geneticist. The ruled out Marfans Syndrome but said they could not rule out other connective tissue disorders. I'm not sure if they will do more testing or if this is just to see there have been no changes. He does have hyperextensive joints. His fingers bend almost backward and he can do some pretty weird things with his body, like a contortionist (spelling?).
Throughout all of this, I am trying to trust the Lord and not let these things interfere with my walk with the Lord. Still, I have let all of this consume me. Its all I think about. I'm concerned for my son. My son has handled his stroke well, claiming not to have any depression or even crying over it. I think he just keeps his feelings in and we see it in other things - like his frustration with his instrument, or the little remarks he sometimes makes to me about my condition. He once told me at least mine was just a mini stroke and nothing happened. I have these episodes and then I'm fine. Then I'm thinking that a large percentage of people who have a mini stroke have a major stroke within 90 days. I'm a lot older than he is. What if I do have a full blown stroke? He's comments sting, because I know he is the 15 year old and should not have had a full blown stroke. He is the kid who does not smoke or do drugs, does not gorge on food, and is not overweight. He does not give me any trouble. He goes to church, says he's saved. He's a good boy. He goes to youth events like summer camp and youth retreats with our church youth group. He goes to campmeetings with my husband and I. He's right, he should have never had a stroke. I take his comments quietly - I have to respect his feelings. In my mind, I believe the current episodes which are occuring almost everyday now are partial seizures. I can feel them coming on, and much of the time, I feel like I am about to have one, but I usually only have one per day. I lay in bed at night and I cannot sleep. I toss and turn thining about all of this. I just want to be held, but the comfort doesn't come. I cry out to the Lord, and get a resolve to trust him, then I finally get enough peace to sleep a few hours. Then the day, after having another seizure or just feeling bad all day, it starts to work on me again. By bedtime, I'm a mess again.
Last night I was so grouchy, I was so guilty and had to repent for the way I was acting. I don't know if part of that was my condition, or just me (probably me). I have never had to deal with anything like this before. I have been blessed not to lose anyone really close to me, other than my husband's grandmother. I have been blessed to be healthy, and my family likewise. Then to have to deal with all these things all at once has been terrible. Then I look at others and see their circumstances far worse and I feel so guilty. The worst, is all these circumstances are standing between me and God right now. I am not feeling victorious and I am not working for the kingdom as I should be. I am distracted by me. I know its not about me, but about our Lord Jesus. I can't do this anymore. I'm not suicidal, but mentally, I've had enough.
In February, my 15 year old, healthy son had a stroke. He was paralyzed on the left side, but praise God, he recovered so quickly. It was not a mini stroke - it was a full blown stroke like an 80 year old could have. The stroke happened on a Sunday and my son returned to school on Thursday. They never determined the cause of the clot that caused his stroke. He has excellent blood lipid levels and they could not find any defects. The following Thursday, he left for a trip eight hours down the road with a few young men from our church to go to a youth revival. I was determined that I was going to trust God, and all of that would be a testimony. I knew that I was standing next to my son when his stroke occurred and when it happened, I was powerless, except to call out on God to intervene. Whether he was next to me or hours away, I knew I had to depend on God for his well being and of course his soul was the most important to me. I had to let him go. It is a testimony.
His only real struggle is to play his saxophone as he did before the stroke. The saxophone is so important to him. He wants a career in music. He thinks he wants to be a music instructor, but since his stroke decided he possibly may try to be a music therapist. The occupational therapist suggested he use a mirror to play the saxophone and that has helped him tremendously for concert band and jazz ensemble, but it is not something he thinks he can do for marching band. If we owned the instrument, perhaps we could try having it modified, but since we don't, that's not an option.
During the time after the stroke, my son had occupational therapy for his hand three times a week. The kids would go to school, and I to work. Immediately after work at 3:45, my kids would meet me at the school I work and we would go to the occupational therapy sessions. Then I would go home and make dinner, we'd do dishes and then I would try to start my college work. My house is small and there is no quiet place to study, so starting college work, meant interruptions from my husband and children as they tried to interact with me, phone calls, and such. Phone calls were at a very high level due to our financial responsibilities not being met due to my husband's job loss. So, about the time everyone started to go to bed at night, I could finally really focus on my college work. Trouble was, I would also be tired after getting up at 4:30 each morning. Most nights I would doze at the computer, not really getting college work done. I fell behind in my class, so I would stay up late most nights desperately trying to catch up, only to fall further behind. So many nights, I would doze until 12 or 1 am and then give up, sleep till 4:30 and my day would just repeat itself.
Then on April 29, a Sunday morning while getting ready for church, I had what the doctors said was a TIA (mini stroke). I was hospitalized for observation and tests, but they found nothing. My blood lipids were good. There was no indication of a clotting disorder. There were no blood clots in my lungs. My CT scan and MRI of the brain checked out okay. All my cardiac tests were good - no plaque in my caratoids and the heart looked great. Even my blood pressure was excellent. So, they called it TIA, put me on an extended release aspirin with an antiplatlet in it. I passed my class, but only with a C. I struggled through my next class, which started the day after the TIA. Adjusting to the new medicine made college work difficult. The first two weeks, I had such a headache that I couldn't hardly function. Then the next two weeks, the headache stopped, but I could not concentrate. I would look at my research, read and understand it, but I could not apply it to the writing of my papers. During those seven weeks, I had a total of three episodes, and two hospitalizations. My instructor was great. She worked with me, allowing me to turn in my work when I was able. I was supposed to start another class, but have pushed it back because I have been having episodes almost daily now.
It was suggested that the current episodes are partial seizures. My previous neurologist seemed to think my symptoms were cardiac and the cardiologist seemed to think they were neurologic. My family doctor had her nurse call another neurologist and ask him to see me as soon as he could. He got me in that afternoon, praise God. That was either Monday or Tuesday. I cannot remember at the moment. (Another problem - memory). So, he was able to look at my tests from April, and said there is a subtle spot on my brain in that region that controls my left arm and facial movements, which could explain the seizures. He made it clear he does not know what that spot is. Normally, he would ignore that subtle spot, but since I am having an increase in frequency and duration of the episodes, we should take another look to see if that spot changed. He thinks the spot may be scar tissue from a small stroke, probably occuring three weeks before I actually was hospitalized for TIA and having that MRI. If it is scar tissue, than I am likely having partial seizures. He does not believe it is a tumor. So, it looks like I will be put on seizure medicine to try to control the seizures.
I go Tuesday for an MRI of the brain and on Thursday for an EEG. Then I go to see the neurologist on Friday so we can discuss his findings. Meanwhile, we go to the children's hospital with my son on Wednesday to follow up with the geneticist. The ruled out Marfans Syndrome but said they could not rule out other connective tissue disorders. I'm not sure if they will do more testing or if this is just to see there have been no changes. He does have hyperextensive joints. His fingers bend almost backward and he can do some pretty weird things with his body, like a contortionist (spelling?).
Throughout all of this, I am trying to trust the Lord and not let these things interfere with my walk with the Lord. Still, I have let all of this consume me. Its all I think about. I'm concerned for my son. My son has handled his stroke well, claiming not to have any depression or even crying over it. I think he just keeps his feelings in and we see it in other things - like his frustration with his instrument, or the little remarks he sometimes makes to me about my condition. He once told me at least mine was just a mini stroke and nothing happened. I have these episodes and then I'm fine. Then I'm thinking that a large percentage of people who have a mini stroke have a major stroke within 90 days. I'm a lot older than he is. What if I do have a full blown stroke? He's comments sting, because I know he is the 15 year old and should not have had a full blown stroke. He is the kid who does not smoke or do drugs, does not gorge on food, and is not overweight. He does not give me any trouble. He goes to church, says he's saved. He's a good boy. He goes to youth events like summer camp and youth retreats with our church youth group. He goes to campmeetings with my husband and I. He's right, he should have never had a stroke. I take his comments quietly - I have to respect his feelings. In my mind, I believe the current episodes which are occuring almost everyday now are partial seizures. I can feel them coming on, and much of the time, I feel like I am about to have one, but I usually only have one per day. I lay in bed at night and I cannot sleep. I toss and turn thining about all of this. I just want to be held, but the comfort doesn't come. I cry out to the Lord, and get a resolve to trust him, then I finally get enough peace to sleep a few hours. Then the day, after having another seizure or just feeling bad all day, it starts to work on me again. By bedtime, I'm a mess again.
Last night I was so grouchy, I was so guilty and had to repent for the way I was acting. I don't know if part of that was my condition, or just me (probably me). I have never had to deal with anything like this before. I have been blessed not to lose anyone really close to me, other than my husband's grandmother. I have been blessed to be healthy, and my family likewise. Then to have to deal with all these things all at once has been terrible. Then I look at others and see their circumstances far worse and I feel so guilty. The worst, is all these circumstances are standing between me and God right now. I am not feeling victorious and I am not working for the kingdom as I should be. I am distracted by me. I know its not about me, but about our Lord Jesus. I can't do this anymore. I'm not suicidal, but mentally, I've had enough.