Guys, only, please... family dynamics.

[CoffeeCat]

Hey there. I need some help from my brothers in Christ, please!

I wanted a guy's perspective, preferably someone out of their 20s who has kids or is at least married, please. I've got a family situation, and I'm unsure as to how best I should handle it. I mentioned in the prayer forum that right now, two of my aunts are separated from or not living with their husbands. Here's the thing... I've always been very close with my family. One of the men who moved out is an uncle I've always considered my 'favourite'. My concern right now is that I'll rarely, if ever, see him. That would be horrible. I'd like to talk to him.... but I don't know what's best.

As a guy, would you mind a niece trying to call or e-mail you? Would you feel like she was 'butting in' or interfering, if she did? My uncle J. is very depressed, he lost a sister about a year back, and he's been sufficiently 'out of it' emotionally, so much so that he hasn't worked much... and couldn't hold his marriage together. He's my 'favourite uncle'. I've always thought he was funny, and very kind.... But I honestly don't know what to say to him, or what would even be welcome. I want to let him know I still care about him, hope he's well, but I don't have much experience talking with older men and something in the back of my mind's thinking I should let well enough alone.

Any insight? I understand that you don't know my family.... but maybe this is just one of those 'guy issues' I don't know about, where a guy would definitely welcome an email or a call.... or would definitely NOT want his wife's niece getting in touch with him... I don't know.

Whatever you guys say, I'll appreciate. Thank you. :)

[teddyv]

I think I qualify based on your criteria:). I don't know if this is a guy issue. Sounds more like delicate diplomacy.

I presume the uncle is not the one who is blood-related. I guess you are worried what your aunt might think, i.e. some form of favouritism. If you are indeed close to you uncle, I think he would appreciate knowing that he still has others caring for him.

I am trying to imagine what I would feel if I was separated from my wife and one of her nieces or nephews called me up (but I don't think I can truly put myself in those shoes). I think I would be pleased to be thought of kindly even though there was now a separation.

Also if you do contact, you may have to make sure that he does not interpret it as you implicitly supporting him over your aunt - rather that he has been a part of your life that is important. Likewise for you aunt, should she find out.

Anyway, my (muddled) thoughts, FWIW.:)

[ServantofTruth]

I say this in love, CoffeeCat, sometimes the stated situation has too many unknowns to give a quality answer. All i can suggest at this time is quiet prayer about this situation and seek God's Will through the Holy Spirit within you.

If those concerned are believers, seek to strengthen them in faith and answer their worries and fears through your understanding of God's Will.

If they are non believers, through your actions in this differcult situation, you may break down many of their misunderstandings and barriers, that stop them starting seeking our Lord Jesus Christ.

You will be in my prayers and so will they. It is often the differcult times that bring most reward in the long term. God bless, SofTy. :pray:

[CoffeeCat]

Thank you very much to the both of you who have responded. I appreciate it. :) I've decided that I'll pray about it, and discuss such an email with another family member. I've got in mostly in mind that I need to tread carefully, here.... I don't want to show 'favouritism' whatsoever, just want to let him know that I'm thinking of him and I care. I'm going to give it a week or so... step back from it. In a lot of ways, I'm still thinking from the perspective of surprise, nearly shock... and that's not a very healthy angle to deliver a message from, when it's possible to wait for later.

Thanks again, to both of you. God bless.

[Big T]

You're a niece, call him.

How is he related? Is he an uncle through "in-law" status or is he a parents sibling?

HOWEVER! Be prepared. He may tell you to not call him.

If he accepts your call... DO NOT and I mean this, DO NOT come out and ask him what happened. This is a situation where you must earn the right to ask him. You will have to gain his trust.

[CoffeeCat]

Thanks, Big T. My uncle is my mom's sister's husband. My mom's brother-in-law, if you will. So no biological relation of mine.... but a man I've always seen 4 or 5 times a year, someone I've always looked up to, found to be warm and funny, someone I thought loved his wife utterly. And some part of him still does, I think... but he's not in a place right now where he's even capable of showing that love. :( Unfortunately, I can't call him. I don't know where he's staying, or with who. But when I DO get ahold of him, I won't ask him about what happened. Thanks for the reminder there. I don't even really feel the NEED to know 'what happened'.... I just imagine he's feeling very alone, very confused, very sad (his sister's death last year is what started this ball rolling) and all I want him to hear from me is that I care about him and wish him well, and that I'm thinking of him and praying for him. That's about it. If he were to ask that none of us contact him, I'd respect his wishes.

[TrustingFollower]

I have to say that you need to make sure you are open about this with everyone involved. Talk to your aunt about it and tell her how you feel. Show both (aunt and uncle) the love of a Christian, but most of all don't chose sides and don't go behind either ones back. Understand that a marriage involves both the husband and the wife. What ever happened in their marriage is not all the fault of just one of them. If you show true Christian love and your aunt is ok with you talking to him, she will know how to get a hold of him. Honesty, truth and love are the most important things involved here.

[CoffeeCat]

TrustingFollower, thanks. Yes... I should talk to my aunt first. I'd best do that.

[JustMe767]

CoffeeCat,

I'm not sure if you want my 2¢ or not, because I am so new but I am both a guy and married. First let me start by saying that I agree with the rest of the members that have commented.
Reading your post made me think about my dad, and how we drifted apart over the years. He pasted away February of this year. At the time that he died we hadn't spoken in over 2 years. So I guess what I'm saying, or trying to say is, yes by all means call him.
It sort of reminds me of the song by Garth Brooks (If Tomorrow Never Comes), never assume tomorrow would be better because, it might not come for some.
God bless you in which ever path you choose. :pray:

[JustMe767]

How do I delete my posting in someone else's thread? Seeing how CoffeeCat hasn't commented on my post, I guess she doesn't wont to hear from me.

Oh well.

[CoffeeCat]

JustMe, thanks for your post. :) On a message board this big, please don't ever think that someone doesn't want to read what you have to say just because they don't respond right away. This is the first time I actually saw your post (you'll find that true for a lot of people; sometimes it just takes awhile). And I appreciate what you said.

I also like that song by Garth. It's good to remember that when we have the chance to reach out, we probably should.

Here's what I ended up doing: I talked to my mom, who said she supported me wanting to give a message to my uncle, and suggested that I call my aunt. I called my aunt, explained that I loved and cared for her very much, but that I missed her husband, too. My aunt understood, but explained that right now, my uncle doesn't feel like talking to the family about everything...he has a lot of issues to work out, he's battling depression. She DOES stay in regular contact with him, and promised to let him know I was thinking of him and that I cared about how he was doing, and that I sent my love. And I trust her to pass on that exact message to him.

That's the best way it worked out, I think... everyone was told what they needed to be told, and it surely doesn't matter who it came from in the end.

[Veretax]

Belated I realize, but is there no hope that they might be restored to fellowship with one another? I just turned 30 as it happens a few months ago, but if it were me I'd likely be praying for God's wisdom and guidance, and if it is according to his will to save the both of them, or either (if one or the other is not), and two to renew them to fellowship with one another. It can't be easy I imagine, and it likely would be worse if you had cousins in that family that you were close to as well. You have my sympathies.

[Marc B]

There's nothing wrong to reaching out to him at this point. Just let him know he's your favorite uncle and you care and are there for him if he ever wants to talk and see what happens. If he does open up to you at some point with God's help you just may be the catalyst that brings them back together. Hey you never know. I'm nearing middle age and am married with kids myself. If I were in his place I'd probably appreciate some company now and then to cheer me up. Men have emotional needs as much as women, we just act like we don't sometimes. :)

[CoffeeCat]

Thanks, guys. :) I appreciate the comments.

The aunt and uncle I've talked about are at least still talking to one another.... but I don't think that at the moment, much is being restored. They don't have kids, and they want to lead their own separate lives.... so I'm just praying for them both. I'm not sure where they're at in their Christian faith (both profess to at least believing in God generally, not that it makes them Christian.... but some kind of belief is there), but I know that all things within God's will are possible, and He wills marriages to stay together.

My uncle hasn't responded to messages from anyone in the family. It's his choice, but... I just hope that he gets the mental help he needs at this point. Depression messes people up badly. I've just trusted him to God, and I believe God will be with him when I and the rest of the family can't possibly be. And I'm trusting my aunt to Him, too -- her, I CAN see and talk to, but she's hurting also. And only God can truly heal a hurt that big, for either of them.

Thanks again, guys.

[jrsanders5411]

I would send him a letter, either email or written. Before writing it, pray and fast (do research on fasting if you never have) and just seek to encourage him in Love and really seek God on what to say. Have a trusted friend, maybe that even knows him, proof read it. Then ask God to bless Him through it. That sounds like a rough road he is on, we'll be lifting him up as well.
J

[RANGER65]

Bad form.....The relation to you is through your Aunt and for all you know he may have beat her or cheated on her. (Before you say yes or no remember: no one really knows what goes on beind closed doors) you may alienate yourself from your Aunt. Your relationship bean at the marriage and is ending at the divorce and it is probably the best thing that can happen unless you just want to twist theblade in your aunt's back. By the way, what is your relationship with your aunt? It sounds to me you like your Uncle (BY Marriage) more than our Aunt (BY BLOOD) She is your mother's sister ya' know.:B

[CoffeeCat]

Ranger65.... wow. I don't know what to say, except to tell you that fortunately, you're way off the mark. Our family's VERY open and there was no beating OR cheating going on here. Is it so wrong to miss a family member who can't be one anymore? :( And believe me, it only SOUNDS as though I like my uncle more than my aunt. I don't think I ever suggested that. I love my whole family. I don't like that parts of my life are getting ripped apart, but hey. Thanks for your post anyways.

Thanks to all others who responded. This thread's older, and I wouldn't mind it closed, thanks -- the two of them are separating and won't be getting back together.... they're still on decent terms, and there's been more communication so I know he's doing alright.

[TrustingFollower]

Per the OP's request this thread is being closed.