How do I get past the hurt?

[mrsparks]

I will try to make this as short as possible. My husband had been wanting to buy a truck. I didn't think he should for lots of reasons, such as we already had 3 vehicles that run well, thus we didn't really need it. I'm also still paying on my car, so I felt like we should at least pay it off first. He went ahead & bought the truck anyway. I am extremely hurt that he did it knowing I didn't agree. I feel like we should have worked the issue out first. Now I feel like I have this huge reminder out in the driveway that my husband didn't put our marriage first. I can get over being angry about it, but I don't know how to get past the deep hurt. Please help.

[Sold Out]

I will try to make this as short as possible. My husband had been wanting to buy a truck. I didn't think he should for lots of reasons, such as we already had 3 vehicles that run well, thus we didn't really need it. I'm also still paying on my car, so I felt like we should at least pay it off first. He went ahead & bought the truck anyway. I am extremely hurt that he did it knowing I didn't agree. I feel like we should have worked the issue out first. Now I feel like I have this huge reminder out in the driveway that my husband didn't put our marriage first. I can get over being angry about it, but I don't know how to get past the deep hurt. Please help.

Yeah, that's a hard one. Ultimately it is up to him, and against your better judgment, he did it anyway. You'll just have to suck it up and deal with it. If it was the wrong thing to do, he will have to answer to God for it.....not you

[CoffeeCat]

You could speak with your husband, and let him know that you are feeling hurt, and that you are not feeling respected. You could explain to him that his understanding on the matter meant something to you, so it hurt that he chose to get it, anyhow. You could additionally suggest that since now you have four vehicles, you could decide which one of the other three you don't really need?

It'd be difficult if you couldn't afford the new vehicle. Even if you could afford it, I know you're hurt because him getting that truck symbolizes him putting his feelings and desires ahead of yours. I know you'll get over the anger, but when he sees that you're hurt over this every time you see that truck, I wonder if having it will mean the same happiness to him that it did when he bought it? Likely not. He might regret the purchase.

I know it's hard in a relationship, because when a decision has to be made and one partner makes a decision the other absolutely wouldn't... someone ends up hurt, sometimes. He may not sell the truck back. He might keep it, and move on, and let you make the next big decision.... but on this one, he should know that the decision wasn't one that clearly showed his respect for you. The respect is more the issue, not the truck.... that's just my guess; am I anywhere close?

:hug: to you, and praying for your peace of mind.

[mrsparks]

Coffeecat, you're right on the money. The trouble is that he does know I'm feeling hurt. I told him last night that I'm having trouble getting past it & he basically said that I'm on my own. I think if he showed some remorse & acknowledged that going ahead WHILE we were still at odds about it was the wrong thing to do, I'd be okay. He absolutely will not get rid of one of the other cars, which I think is wrong. There are other people out there without any cars & we have 4? I was willing to compromise on that point, but he wasn't willing to compromise at all. I even offered to sell my car. That way we could pay it off, we wouldn't have 4 vehicles & he could get his truck. Everybody could get what they wanted. He would not allow that either. I work full time, pay half the mortgage, & buy the groceries. We should make decisions together.

[Redneck Charger]

You need to talk to your husband about it, You need to figure it out together.. Maybe he can see his other 3 to help pay for the truck.. I believe you both love on eanother.. but need to work this out.. You need to talk about it, and then find a way to forgive him..:kiss:

[mrsparks]

You need to talk to your husband about it, You need to figure it out together.. Maybe he can see his other 3 to help pay for the truck.. I believe you both love on eanother.. but need to work this out.. You need to talk about it, and then find a way to forgive him..:kiss:

I'm not trying to be rude, but please read my posts. I have been trying to talk to my husband about it & I am trying to work it out with him.

[mrsparks]

I even asked him if he felt like what he did honored God. And of course he does b/c he got what he wanted. That's all God cares about, right?

[turtledove]

I'm not trying to be rude, but please read my posts. I have been trying to talk to my husband about it & I am trying to work it out with him.

I think the poster was just suggesting that you talk to your husband some more.

But, I suggest you wait awhile and work on your own anger and disappointment before you bring it up again. Sort of let the dust settle a bit. We can surely empathize with you for what your husband did especially since he didn't take your feelings into consideration. And, yes, I know it can get expensive to have so many cars including, of course, more insurance if you drive them all. This was definitely not a wise thing for him to do.

This probably seems obvious..but I would start praying for him and I mean every day and a lot. Lift him up to the Lord, ask the Lord to work on his heart, and trust changes could happen even though he doesn't act right now like he cares. Meanwhile you will need to forgive him.

Matthew 18:21:22 (KJV)
Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times?
Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.

It has happened to me in our marriage more than once. Time is usually on my side. About some things my husband has changed; others not. He still has a problem understanding about joint ownership of our things. The vehicles he considers mainly "his" although that surely isn't the case actually or legally. When he says, "my van" I say..you mean "our van." etc. It does get easier..but then we have been married over 40 years and have had to work at this a lot.

Heard you on this and sense your pain and disappointment so praying for you and him. :pray:

peace and blessings,

wiseoldowl

[Reynolds357]

I will try to make this as short as possible. My husband had been wanting to buy a truck. I didn't think he should for lots of reasons, such as we already had 3 vehicles that run well, thus we didn't really need it. I'm also still paying on my car, so I felt like we should at least pay it off first. He went ahead & bought the truck anyway. I am extremely hurt that he did it knowing I didn't agree. I feel like we should have worked the issue out first. Now I feel like I have this huge reminder out in the driveway that my husband didn't put our marriage first. I can get over being angry about it, but I don't know how to get past the deep hurt. Please help.

Even though I agree with you that in this instance your judgment was better than His, there is still Biblical instruction on how to handle this. From the Biblical model of marriage, God gave the man the ultimate decision making authority in the affairs of the family. Even though his judgment may or may not be correct, as long as his decision is not sinful or immoral; it is the role of the wife to ultimately submit to the decision of the husband.
I am a man, and have counseled many men. Most men can be easily dealt with, but their wives(of all people) usually have no clue how to do it. If you tell most men "you are not going to get that or I am going to pout about it," then you can bet that 99% of them will get it just to prove a point. If you phrase it to them in a way that makes it their decision entirely and also makes them fell like they are in control, you can get what you want and everyone is happy.

[Sold Out]

I even asked him if he felt like what he did honored God. And of course he does b/c he got what he wanted. That's all God cares about, right?

Do you and your husband attend church regularly? Does he read his bible much?

[mrsparks]

Do you and your husband attend church regularly? Does he read his bible much?

Yes, we do attend church. And he has started reading his bible daily. Unfortunately, we work opposite shifts, which makes doing anything together during the week difficult. We do read & pray together on Monday mornings. We also make spending time together on the weekends priority.

I do appreciate everyone's advice & prayers. I guess I'm concerned that if he thinks he's gotten away with this, it will become a habit. I would just like to see him learn & grow from this, as well as myself. I guess this is the first time I've really felt like he's purposely done something he knew would hurt me, the first time it's been a challenge to forgive & move on.

[Sold Out]

I do appreciate everyone's advice & prayers. I guess I'm concerned that if he thinks he's gotten away with this, it will become a habit.

Well, if it was the wrong thing to do...he will not get away with it! His Heavenly Father will see to that, hopefully before he decides to do something else like this.

You know men are just big kids (no offense)....they love their toys. If you wanted to put this in a good perspective, you could say that you are grateful he's a godly man who prays with you and studies the scriptures, and not some jerk who gets drunk all the time and hangs out at topless bars...

[mrsparks]

Could ya'll suggest scriptures for me to pray over him? For this specific situation or just in general. Thanks!

[Reynolds357]

Could ya'll suggest scriptures for me to pray over him? For this specific situation or just in general. Thanks!

It seems that the assumption has been reached that what your husband did is wrong. It may or may not be. I think it is quick to rush to judgment with only very basic facts being told. I would honestly have to say that from a scriptural point, he is the Spiritual head of the household. Unless his decision to buy a truck jeopardized the welfare of your family, what he did is not wrong. Whether or not people choose to acknowledge it, God ordained man the head of the household. He ordained woman to be equal to, yet submisive under, the authority of her husband. If we follow the biblical instruction on marriage, we have clear precepts set forth. They easily deal with the dilema you are having. As the head of the house, it is his right to make the decision he made. Whether his decision makes sense or not is really not relavent as to whether he had the moral authority to make the decision.

[Sold Out]

It seems that the assumption has been reached that what your husband did is wrong. It may or may not be.

I agree with this. If it was wrong, God will confirm it soon enough.

I went to a bible study today where a woman gave her testimony. She said her husband went out and bought a $300 cell phone without consulting her first. She held her tongue, but it completely infuriated her. So she just prayed that God care for the situation.

She said ever since he got that phone, he has had more problems with it! He's tried to return it 3 times! She's pretty sure he learned his lesson.

[mrsparks]

Very disappointing that my request for scripture has been ignored, but that's ok, bless ya'll anyway. I have been immersing myself in God the last couple of days & He has really given me a new grace to deal with this like I've never experienced before. B/c of this, my husband revealed a fear that he has b/c of his past relationships. God is working in this situation. I have been able to move past the fact of the truck sitting in the driveway, if that makes sense. I even had him use it to pick something up today. My main focus now is that we both learn & grow from this. We have a very close relationship, except when we discuss money. Money was always an issue in my previous marriage too, except it was b/c we didn't have any. It will take time to work through the fears we both have, but I know that God will do it.

[Reynolds357]

Very disappointing that my request for scripture has been ignored, but that's ok, bless ya'll anyway. I have been immersing myself in God the last couple of days & He has really given me a new grace to deal with this like I've never experienced before. B/c of this, my husband revealed a fear that he has b/c of his past relationships. God is working in this situation. I have been able to move past the fact of the truck sitting in the driveway, if that makes sense. I even had him use it to pick something up today. My main focus now is that we both learn & grow from this. We have a very close relationship, except when we discuss money. Money was always an issue in my previous marriage too, except it was b/c we didn't have any. It will take time to work through the fears we both have, but I know that God will do it.

The reason we did not give you many scriptures is that there really is not many scriptures that are pertianant to your situation. I gave you the paraphrase of the only two I know. If you want the citations, they are Ephesians 5:22 and Colossians 3:18.

Finances are a problem with the majority of married couples today. Christians are no different. A happy median must be reached. We must not lavishly spend money, but at the same time we should spend some of it on non-essential items. Life is short. I have seen many couples excessively save money their entire lives. They would all say they were saving it up for their old age. However, when old age arrived; they still would not spend it. They lived poor their entire life and had bank accounts loaded with money that they left to their children who squandered it all shortly after inheriting it. I have also seen people save massive amounts of money for retirement and die before ever being able to spend it. I have seen people save vast sums of money for their retirement and have it eaten away by medical bills and never enjoy it due to their bad health. "FEAR" is a force of Satan. Christ tells us plainly that fear is sin. We should practive sound financial principles, but we should have faith in God for our provision. God, not the system of man, is our provider. Maybe it would be a good idea for you and your husband to seek Christian financial counseling. Some of his issues of lavishness could be worked on as your issue of financial fear. A budget is a most essential tool in the life of the Christian married couple. When both agree to a budget, it simplifies financial issues greatly. With a budget, you and your husband have "our money, his money, and your money." Our money, pays the bills, invests, and takes care of the expenses. With each of your own money, you can buy anything you like and the other has no right to complain about or question your purchase. (assuming it is not immoral) If it is not in the budget, it does not get bought unless there is enough "my money" or "her money" to buy it. If it is something we both want, we pool the "my money" and "her money" and buy it. She used to spend all of "her money" and I saved almost all of "my money." I am frugal, and she likes to spend money much more liberally. It is odd that as she see's that over the last couple years "my money" has grown to a substantial amount and she has nothing to show for "her money" she has now begun to adopt many of my frugal ways. Now, she has seen that by wise saving over the years the interest on "my money" now equals or exceeds the amount of new "my money" I receive each month. She has begun to change her ways. However, this occurred by her seeing the fruits of my frugal spending. Had I daily lectured her on "blowing money," we would probably have ended up divorced.

[Mr King]

I will try to make this as short as possible. My husband had been wanting to buy a truck. I didn't think he should for lots of reasons, such as we already had 3 vehicles that run well, thus we didn't really need it. I'm also still paying on my car, so I felt like we should at least pay it off first. He went ahead & bought the truck anyway. I am extremely hurt that he did it knowing I didn't agree. I feel like we should have worked the issue out first. Now I feel like I have this huge reminder out in the driveway that my husband didn't put our marriage first. I can get over being angry about it, but I don't know how to get past the deep hurt. Please help.

Hi,
There are three needs that we have;
1,) biological needs
2.) spiritual needs
3.) phycological needs.

We need the first two but the problem that many of us deals with is phycological needs which needs to be destroyed. It's a need to feel better about yourself, self-esteem, self-comfort, self-reliance. It focuses on your self.

Ask your husband why he needs the truck. Maybe he needs it for work. To use for carrying out goods and supplies to the poor and the needy. But if he wants it because he desires to have it. Then that's a phycological problem he has that needs to be broken.

It's very understandable for you to feel hurt because your husband didn't obey nor listened to you but don't dwell on it. It'll turn itself into a phycological problem by trying to make you feel that your husband needs to be more faithful to you so you can feel better about yourself.

Feeling hurt and rejected is awful but keep your thoughts on Christ for he dealt with rejection from the world and His Father by dying for us on the cross. You do God's desires on what is right in God's eyes and that's all you can do. What your husband does, he'll have to answer God for himself.

I strongly recommend you to read this book: When People Are Big And God Is Small. It discusses more on what I wrote and it also helps you to see very clearly on how to overcome fear of man and to put your fear in the LORD.