Post partum wife

[BrotherRoy]

I initally posted this in the ladies corner, so please delete my post there. I didn't see the option to do so, but I want to follow the rules so here it is again:

I have a problem. And I know I will probably sound like the bad guy in this, but I'm at the end of my rope.

Long story short, my wife and I had three kids over the span of four years back to back just about. The longest amount of time between them is 2 years and that's between the middle child and youngest child. We have two girls, 5 and 3 and one boy, he will be 2 in this Saturday, September 6th. My wife underwent a gall bladder removal in April and she got pregnant with our fourth in May.

For the first three I was in the military and we were isolated in Georgia from family and friends in North Carolina and Virginia. Now we're in Virginia and isolated from family and friends again because of my recent job. We've made a lot of emotional decisions and I've made a lot of irresponsible ones along with selfish ones. I don't want to get into that because I'm posting about my wife.

She has suffered PPD since the first child. I'm 29 and at 23 I didn't want to believe it was PPD, I'll fess up and admit at the time I just thought she was trying to be lazy. After the third pregnancy we went and spoke with a Christian counselor, but I had to separate from the Air Force because they were threatening to send me over seas for a deployment and my wife and I both knew that would be detrimental to her.

I am afraid of my wife. She told me she hates me after she found out she was pregnant the fourth time. Sure, we have gotten beyond that, but everyday now is like walking on egg shells. I've read in various places that it goes away. For her it never had the opportunity of going away. I'm beginning to wonder if it ever will.

I'll also admit, we've never been consistent on Bible Study, we haven't found a church home because I don't want to expose her to false doctrine and "feel good" theology. If you understand what I mean. I've thought about organizing a Bible Study at home, but I work nights. That's another thing...I'm gone about 11-12 hours a day due to work, mostly in the late afternoon and night. I don't get home sometimes until 3AM.

I want her to get better. I miss the way we use to be before all of this. We use to enjoy each other...now it feels like we're enemies. I can't even say a few comforting words without getting yelled at sometimes like last night, she had a difficult time with the kids. I could tell so I asked her what was wrong, she began to tell me and began to say, "I cant do this anymore, I can't handle it." I tried to encourage her by saying, "yes you can, you can deal with it, you can get through it." And she yelled at me, "No I can't and I wish you would understand that." It wasn't that I didn't understand, well of course I can't be a woman and truly understand, but lately the Lord has been showing me my bad ways in regards to our relationship. I just want her to get better.

We talked with a Pastor who is a friend of the family, my late grandfather was a pastor, anyways he suggested we get help. How do I make sure the help we get doesn't make it worse? Doesn't steal my wife away from me by making me the ultimate enemy? I know this may sound selfish but this is my biggest concern with the way society is today about men and women.

Also, how do I get my wife to do more besides sit in front of the televison all day? No, I'm not talking about house chores and such, although that would be nice eventually, but I'm talking about do more to start to pick herself up. It's as if she doesn't want to get better and I know that's not the case, but it's like fighting a full blown battle to try to pull her away from her gloomy routine. The issue is when she doesn't move all her thoughts slam onto her at once and if anything goes wrong that day then it's the worse....

Lastly, what's going on is more than PPD. I believe my wife suffered from Depression and Anxiety long before she met me. She was in school for acting so she did a fabulous job of hiding it...even from me. It took some observation and time to figure out she had issues with mom, dad, sister, and the world.

We need your prayers and advice. I don't want to be the enemy, but I don't want to have to be the one to totally compromise on all my beliefs and my stance on a Biblical family either.

God bless and thank you in advance.
If I should post this in my own thread please let me know
Brother Roy

[mrsparks]

Wow, Roy. I'm so sorry for what you and your wife are going through. I can tell you that PPD definitely is real and with each additional child the stress on your wife grows greater. I think the thing that's hard to understand when you haven't experienced depression is that when you are depressed, you are not yourself. The feelings of hopelessness & helplessness are overwhelming. They distort reality.

I'm not trying to judge, but do you not believe in birth control of any sort? I think at this point, it's essential that she does not get pregnant again. Also, you must make every effort to find a church home. Your wife needs God's Word to heal. Does she have access to the teaching of the Word on TV or radio? Perhaps you could get her some DVD's with teaching on them? I am typically skeptical of televangelists, but Joyce Meyer is a teacher that I highly recommend. She has teachings that deal extensively with depression and emotions taken from her own life. Finding a church home would help you both develop a support system too. It's an awful thing to feel like there isn't anyone you can call. She also desperately needs help caring for her children right now. If you were involved with a church, there might be members that would be willing to come & help her. Your heart is in the right place. Let God lead you.

[moonglow]

I initally posted this in the ladies corner, so please delete my post there. I didn't see the option to do so, but I want to follow the rules so here it is again:

I have a problem. And I know I will probably sound like the bad guy in this, but I'm at the end of my rope.

Long story short, my wife and I had three kids over the span of four years back to back just about. The longest amount of time between them is 2 years and that's between the middle child and youngest child. We have two girls, 5 and 3 and one boy, he will be 2 in this Saturday, September 6th. My wife underwent a gall bladder removal in April and she got pregnant with our fourth in May.

For the first three I was in the military and we were isolated in Georgia from family and friends in North Carolina and Virginia. Now we're in Virginia and isolated from family and friends again because of my recent job. We've made a lot of emotional decisions and I've made a lot of irresponsible ones along with selfish ones. I don't want to get into that because I'm posting about my wife.

She has suffered PPD since the first child. I'm 29 and at 23 I didn't want to believe it was PPD, I'll fess up and admit at the time I just thought she was trying to be lazy. After the third pregnancy we went and spoke with a Christian counselor, but I had to separate from the Air Force because they were threatening to send me over seas for a deployment and my wife and I both knew that would be detrimental to her.

I am afraid of my wife. She told me she hates me after she found out she was pregnant the fourth time. Sure, we have gotten beyond that, but everyday now is like walking on egg shells. I've read in various places that it goes away. For her it never had the opportunity of going away. I'm beginning to wonder if it ever will.

I'll also admit, we've never been consistent on Bible Study, we haven't found a church home because I don't want to expose her to false doctrine and "feel good" theology. If you understand what I mean. I've thought about organizing a Bible Study at home, but I work nights. That's another thing...I'm gone about 11-12 hours a day due to work, mostly in the late afternoon and night. I don't get home sometimes until 3AM.

I want her to get better. I miss the way we use to be before all of this. We use to enjoy each other...now it feels like we're enemies. I can't even say a few comforting words without getting yelled at sometimes like last night, she had a difficult time with the kids. I could tell so I asked her what was wrong, she began to tell me and began to say, "I cant do this anymore, I can't handle it." I tried to encourage her by saying, "yes you can, you can deal with it, you can get through it." And she yelled at me, "No I can't and I wish you would understand that." It wasn't that I didn't understand, well of course I can't be a woman and truly understand, but lately the Lord has been showing me my bad ways in regards to our relationship. I just want her to get better.

We talked with a Pastor who is a friend of the family, my late grandfather was a pastor, anyways he suggested we get help. How do I make sure the help we get doesn't make it worse? Doesn't steal my wife away from me by making me the ultimate enemy? I know this may sound selfish but this is my biggest concern with the way society is today about men and women.

Also, how do I get my wife to do more besides sit in front of the televison all day? No, I'm not talking about house chores and such, although that would be nice eventually, but I'm talking about do more to start to pick herself up. It's as if she doesn't want to get better and I know that's not the case, but it's like fighting a full blown battle to try to pull her away from her gloomy routine. The issue is when she doesn't move all her thoughts slam onto her at once and if anything goes wrong that day then it's the worse....

Lastly, what's going on is more than PPD. I believe my wife suffered from Depression and Anxiety long before she met me. She was in school for acting so she did a fabulous job of hiding it...even from me. It took some observation and time to figure out she had issues with mom, dad, sister, and the world.

We need your prayers and advice. I don't want to be the enemy, but I don't want to have to be the one to totally compromise on all my beliefs and my stance on a Biblical family either.

God bless and thank you in advance.
If I should post this in my own thread please let me know
Brother Roy

Having gone through this myself...I image she is really telling you the truth...she cannot take anymore. She needs to be under a doctors care ASAP! I am sure you have read the horrible news stories of mom's that cracked due to this...she is alone taking care of small children most of the time all by herself. Does she have any friends at all to even just talk too or can come over and help?

I hate to sound so dramatic here but something really bad is going to happen if you don't get her the help she needs. No one can expect to take an adult with hormones out of whack and leave them alone most of the time with three small children day after day after day and think they are suddenly going to snap out of it. Of course she is sitting and doing nothing ...she has no energy! That is part of the post postpartum depression...plus anyone with three small children and being pregnant again is going to be worn out badly.

I would seriously see if she and the kids can go stay at a relatives house for the help and support she desperately needs...and there are some medications that she can take while pregnant that won't hurt the baby. She needs people there for her and you can't be right now with your job. She is very desperate for this help and you can't give it to her so of course she is angry at you. She is SO young to have this many kids too! You need to watch for signs of the children being neglected or even abused (hate to say that but this PP can and does lead to the mother at times going off the deep end if they don't get the help they need!) and with real support and being so isolated you really are asking for a tragic situation to happen here. You need to take what she is saying to you very seriously.

http://www.4woman.gov/FAQ/postpartum.htm#6

Depression not only hurts the mother, but also affects her family. Some researchers have found that depression during pregnancy can raise the risk of delivering an underweight baby or a premature infant. Some women with depression have difficulty caring for themselves during pregnancy. They may have trouble eating and won’t gain enough weight during the pregnancy; have trouble sleeping; may miss prenatal visits; may not follow medical instructions; have a poor diet; or may use harmful substances, like tobacco, alcohol, or illegal drugs.

Postpartum depression can affect a mother’s ability to parent. She may lack energy, have trouble concentrating, be irritable, and not be able to meet her child’s needs for love and affection. As a result, she may feel guilty and lose confidence in herself as a mother, which can worsen the depression. Researchers believe that postpartum depression can affect the infant by causing delays in language development, problems with emotional bonding to others, behavioral problems, lower activity levels, sleep problems, and distress. It helps if the father or another caregiver can assist in meeting the needs of the baby and other children in the family while mom is depressed.

All children deserve the chance to have a healthy mom. All moms deserve the chance to enjoy their life and their children. Don’t suffer alone. If you are experiencing symptoms of depression during pregnancy or after having a baby, please tell a loved one and call you doctor or midwife right away.

I ended up in a mental health hospital for awhile after my son was born due to this because I had thoughts of hurting him. I am very ashamed of that of course. He didn't sleep well and I really got no help from my husband and was in a state of constant exhaustion from lack of sleep. I also had dealt with anxiety and depression before this too. I was able to get help...your wife doesn't seem to be getting any and has three little ones to deal with! I would have been out of my mind long ago in a situation like that. Something needs to change for her sake and soon! I'll keep you all in my prayers.

God bless

[livingwaters]

BrotherRoy, my heart goes out to you and your family. It seems like you might be experiencing "the weight of the world." Just know, that our Heavenly Father is aware of your situation....Don't forget God places certain people in our lives when we need them...You should try to find a Christian doctor that specializes in this disorder.

Just havin children and caring for them under normal circumstances is hard enough, I can't even imagine anyone being depressed all the time and feeling like it is the fault of their children and their spouse.

Please know that I will be praying for all of you. Father God we come into agreement with BrotherRoy and all posters here for a solution to be arrived upon immediately. Lord, as you know, this could possibly turn into an ugly situation....We pray that you step in and lead them to a professional that give assess this problem...We know that there is someone out there that you have placed there for such a time as this. We thank you, Father for being so loving and caring of our needs. You love little children, Lord, so we pray that YOU have YOUR say in this matter.:pray::pray::hug:

God Bless:)
Postpartum Depression (http://www.4woman.gov/FAQ/postpartum.htm)

[Vhayes]

Hi Brother Roy -

I'm happy to meet you but wish it was under more pleasant circumstances. I am truly sorry for the problems you and your wife are having.

I've read your post through three times. My heart goes out to all of you, especially the children. If you're confused and afraid, think what they must be feeling. Right now they need lots of hugs and being held close so they know they are loved and none of this is their fault. That's a tough order for you to fill right now but if your wife is having this much trouble, you are the only one who has the ability to tell the children these things at this point.

I would like to ask you a couple of things that weren't really clear to me from your post.

Why are you isolated from family? Would it be possible for her mother/sister/a cousin to come and stay for a time and help her with the children and the house? Give her someone to talk to?


Do you have to work nights or is there a way you can get a job working during the day? Can you re-locate closer to family?


You say you are afraid of exposing your wife to "false teachings" - I would think if you call and speak to a pastor of a church, you can pretty much work out whether or not they teach false doctrine. If you stay with a mainstream church that teaches Christ and Him crucified and resurrected, how far off will it be? Besides, you'll never find a "perfect" church - there just isn't one this side of heaven.


Lastly, you say you fear ending up the enemy - what do you mean by that? That statement confused me a lot. You also said you don't want to be the only one who needs to compromise your stance on a "Biblical family". What is your definition of a "biblical family"?

I know I've given you a lot to think about. I read Moonglow's post and I agree with her as well - you MUST get your wife the help she needs. She must be feeling so overwhelmed. I know you must feel that way as well - but please, seek help from someone soon for both of your sakes, but most especially for the children.

May the Lord bless you and watch over you -
V

[Soulangel]

Brother Roy, God leads you very much and rather than go into a whole lot of reasons why I can relate to your story I'll keep it simple and effective. My doctor gave my husband the name for your "walking on eggshells" it's called "emotional dysphoria" - you described it perfectly in your posting so I don't need to say anymore. It is very real.

In order for your wife to have help -
1. You need to pray, then you need to write a list of what she needs
a - a good doctor who can listen and meet her needs
b - a good specialist who will listen and meet her needs
c - an excellent counsellor who will guide her through this
d - to be able to exercise regularly
e - to be able to study the bible and develop a personal relationship with God
f - to be able to eat and sleep well
g - to be self discipline in God's strength to carry these things through


Of course the order these things come in are variable as God leads and discerns for your wife. You asked what would be good for her in regards to her family issues, John Bradshaw has a series called John Bradshaw on The Family, and it is brilliant for showing all the family dynamics that keep you repeating family history.

Ask the people around you if they have a good doctor or not, a good specialist or not, you don't have to give reasons. God will give you good people to help you through all of this, you just need to ask for the help and it will come.

God bless you ~ Soulangel
__________________

[Elouise]

Pregnancy can be very tough on some woman.
Your wife is already caring for three little kids under the age of six. That is emotionally physically and mentally draining.
She has recently had an op to add to that tired and stress mix then *bing* prgenant again.
She must be so frazzled tired stressed and unable to envisage anything ever getting better.

The feelings she has will feel very real, espceially with pregnancy hormones backing them up. She may be terrified that this pregnancy will finish her off and her life will be one endless round of sleepless nights, endles washing and looking like a beached whale. If she has had PPD then she could also get APD [some woman become horrible distressed and depressed during pregnancy thanks to pregnancy hormones]
She is prob very cross with you that she is pregnant again. Try and listen to her because underneath al that crying yelling and bad words is a scared woman who does not know how to communicate her fears to you. In fact she may even feel she does not know who you are anymore and that can be scary too.
Remember you have been the one who in the past has pretended those feelings were not there and that will make it harder for her to talk calmly with you.

Think about how you show you you love her. Think about how she shows love and try to think of ways you could show her love in a way she could hear. Someone who shows love in small thoughtful acts will see you love them if you do small thoughtful things for them like carrying out the household rubbish, bathing the kids so they could put there feet up.
Someone who shows love through small gifts will know you love them if you leave them small notes and cards or bring them a small bar of choclate or a flower you saw.
You may be someone who says words of comfort and love but if your wife shows love in a differant way then you will keep misssing each other and end up feeling unloved by the other even if this is untrue. Feelings can be pretty big and crushing to experienence.

When she says she cannot do this anymore...she means it. Woman with a few rare exceptions do not say this for effect, they only say this when things have become so bad they really can no longer cope.
Her physical mental and emotional resources have all gone and she needs help. When a man tells a woman 'Yes you can do this' it feels like they have not heard and are glossing over a horrible situation becaus ethey are selfish. Hormonal backed depression can be treated by medical drugs. Physical exhaustion needs practical help so a person can get some serious rest or their health will suffer. Given the situation your poor wife could have either an if you can persuade her to be checked over by a doctor even if you have to say 'You seem so tired perhaps we could aks the midwife/doctor about this?' Your hours of work are when a pregnant woman is liable to be most exhausted. Are there things you could do whilst your home to take the strain like make a hot pot meal up so all she has to do is serve the kids in the evening and put them to bed. Would your boss allow you to change shifts so you could be home in the early evening?


For your wife to get better you also need to get better begin by learning to listenand allow her to tell you how bad she feels in a way she feels heard. It takes two people to make a relationship work and despite the difficulties you are having you clearly want to find a way to help and improve things.

Ask that Pastor initially for practical help.
Could someone take the kids for a couple of hours in the afternoon so your wife could sleep/rest?
They may well have a church community worker [something I do] who goes in listens whilst rolling up sleeves and showing practical love and befriending to a person in need.
In the UK we have a charity called Homestart, there may be a similar charity in your area the pastor you have spoken to knows of.
Could you get the shopping taking the kids with you in the morning? Try and think creatively about ways you could give your wife chance to rest. If she still seems depressed then gently encourage her and pray to God to seek medical help because you love her and it hurts to see her suffering so much.

A woman who feels awful is unable to do more than veg out. Depression is crushing and for those who have it doing even the smallest thing feels like running up a mountain. This is a free online booklet form MIND the UK charity that works between community and statutory mental health The advice given is medically accurate and offers ideas on how to help to family and friends. You may find it helpful to read.
http://www.mind.org.uk/Information/Booklets/Understanding/Understanding+postnatal+depression.htm They also have other online booklets covering stress and anxiety.

Care for the Family {UK christian charity} offer an online resource for Christian dads who want to do their best for their families. It is more focussed on children but you may find tips that could help.
http://www.careforthefamily.org.uk/dads/

How you used to be was before you had children. You cannot go back to how things were but you can try to leave communication open with her, you can pray for her and your kids and you can ask God to help you to think of ways to help you show your wife you love her. It might help you all as a family if you could locate a christian fellowship that cares with hands as well as hearts.

God bless you and open the doors that will help you to improve your relationship with your wife so you can become the better husband and dad you long to be.

[BrotherRoy]

First I'd like to thank everyone who responded.
I'm starting to feel a little overwhelmed as well due to some situations in our life.

Second, I want all the women here to know that I am not trying to down play her feelings, emotions or the situation at all. I understand what this can become, I understand it's serious. I've already read website after website on the issue. In fact, that's what I'm trying to prevent. In a way this is intervention is you will. With that said, a post can sound far direr than it is in reality. I've read some terrible horror stories surrounded PPD and Depression alone. My wife has not gotten to that point, or so it seems. Remember I said she's an actor and she's also a denier.

I want to clarify some things for you guys, but first I want to say upfront I appreciate everyone's time and advice. I believe the Lord will lead us from here on out through prayer, supplication, study and fellowship should he lead us somewhere to fellowship.

Does she have any friends at all to even just talk too or can come over and help?

No, not at the moment…She grew up a Jehovah's Witness so most of her friends are either still Jehovah's Witnesses or she's lost contact with them. She had one friend when we stayed in Newport News, but she moved to South Carolina a few weeks after we moved to Locust Grove, Va. Last night I suggested she allow me to tell the neighbors more about her situation, they seem like nice people. There is a young couple on one side of our townhouse, a teacher on the other, and another couple also expecting at the end of our complex. I thought maybe they could come around and visit here and there until I can find another job.

I would seriously see if she and the kids can go stay at a relatives house for the help and support she desperately needs...She needs people there for her and you can't be right now with your job. She is very desperate for this help and you can't give it to her so of course she is angry at you.

My daughter is in kindergarten, at my wife's request, I might add. That would require pulling her out of school and enrolling her down in North Carolina or say Hampton Roads VA. Also, that would only happen if my WIFE AND I (I want to clarify it's not just me) felt our relatives lived in good environments for our kids to be there for a while.

Also, as I mentioned before her family is some of the cause for her prior issues. Her sister stole her identity back before we got married and even had kids and the family kind of wanted to sweep it under the rug and got frustrated with her for trying to clear up her credit. Her mother is stuck watching her grandmother who is stricken with Alzheimer’s disease. My mother came for all prior pregnancies at the end of the term. She is concerned for her mom due to some situations regarding some family issues due to my late great aunt passing.

Why are you isolated from family?

Well, when I separated from the Air Force I was waiting on a contractor job doing graphics for the government. When that job didn't come through fast enough we moved back to my hometown, formerly her hometown as well before her mom moved back to NC, anyways we moved back there. I got a job doing IT at the Navy base and then the job I was waiting on called up. Downside was we had to move to the Fredericksburg area, away from the help we were getting. We talked it over, but I have recently found out that she with held a lot of concerns because she thought she would kill my joy. I was oblivious to this until now and that frustrates me because I don't like feeling like I've made the decision myself and leaving her to fend for dear life and make things work and pretend she is okay for my benefit. So anyways, I have two cousins that stay here, two male cousins. You see where I'm going with this...they stay about 20 minutes away, but other than helping us move...I've yet to hear from them and we've been here almost a year.

Had she had told me her concerns I wouldn't have taken the job, let alone purchased a townhouse...don’t get me wrong…I’m not blaming her at all, I just feel we didn’t make a decision in unity.

Do you have to work nights or is there a way you can get a job working during the day? Can you re-locate closer to family?

This is a complicated situation right now. Without going into a long drawn out drama about my office, let's just say I've already asked twice for a new shift...I've already warned people I may be considering other employment and may be moving back home.

The down side to relocating again is we just got ourselves caught up in a mortgage. With the mortgage crisis the townhomes in our area when down a few thousand dollars. They seem to be steady now, but it's still lower than what we paid. So we're caught in a pinch there. If we leave now we will owe money...although the thought continues to cross my mind. Especially since it seems they are hiring like crazy back where we came from...

You say you are afraid of exposing your wife to "false teachings" - I would think if you call and speak to a pastor of a church, you can pretty much work out whether or not they teach false doctrine. If you stay with a mainstream church that teaches Christ and Him crucified and resurrected, how far off will it be? Besides, you'll never find a "perfect" church - there just isn't one this side of heaven.

You give a good argument about calling the pastors. I really don't want to get into this issue. I appreciate the concern. Let's just say through Bible Study and experience in Churches, being taught by two Pastors the scriptures, etc. No, I'm far from perfection myself and still have a long ways to go. I suffer from temptation and a lot of things now since I'm still in the flesh. But, I don't think when Christ left he wanted to leave the type of Churches we see around us today. I think Churches in America are in for some trying times due to some various reasons. I don't want to go any further than that because I don't want to make this a thread on "what's wrong in the Churches today" let's just say...I see a lot of things wrong. I will let God lead me where he leads me, should it be a home Bible Study, fellowship with two or three Christians...it's up to God. If it's a Church, I pray it be a real one.


Lastly, you say you fear ending up the enemy - what do you mean by that? That statement confused me a lot. You also said you don't want to be the only one who needs to compromise your stance on a "Biblical family". What is your definition of a "biblical family"?

Again, I don't want to make this into a your right/wrong or I'm right/wrong thing. My definition of a Biblical Family, let's see I'll give you scripture:

1. Genesis 2: 24
2. Matthew 19: 5-6, Mark 10:8
3. Deuteronomy 6: 5-9 the Word should be taught at all times
4. Proverbs 31: 10 - 31 for wives
5. Ephesians 5: 21-31
6. Ephesians 6: 1-4
7. Colossians 3: 18-21
8. Titus 2: 1-8
9. 1 Peter 3: 1-8
I think that should be enough to give you a good idea. Granted, we do not do all these things to perfection. Partially because as a young couple we are still learning to communicate, love, respect, and appreciate each other.

I don't want to become the enemy based on my beliefs. I believe God gives children to parents for them to raise, not schools or the state. I didn't force this on my wife, but that's my belief. I believe children are a blessing and not a burden. I believe a husband and wife should work together in unity otherwise Satan comes along and does things like this and pulls the family apart.

Now, let me clarify that statement. I know a lot of you have mentioned medicine and specialist and the like. I have no problem with that, but as a Christian and a Believer of the Word, I cannot deny that this is also demonic affliction on both my wife and the family. I can get into a whole spill of how I feel society is the cause of this in regards to how society confuses women and their roles in the home, especially Christian women. No, I am not a male chauvinistic pig. I do not try to force things on my wife, but I find all too often we don’t come together on things. This is not a serious issue, not serious enough for a divorce or anything. However, I feel that if I spoke up to a specialist, they may feel the Bible is the problem or I am the problem for Believing in the Bible. That along with reading some testimonies here: Postpartum Dads. (http://https://home.comcast.net/%7Eddklinker/mysite2/Welcome_page.htm)

I'm not trying to judge, but do you not believe in birth control of any sort? I think at this point, it's essential that she does not get pregnant again.

Yes we do. I was supposed to get a vesectomy before getting out of the Air Force but I felt uncomfortable about it and I don't believe a woman can truly understand that. When I finally worked up the nerve to do it the military doctor couldn't because my wife was close to giving birth to our son and it was military policy not to cut me up so close to birth in case the baby miscarried or died at birth.

Your wife needs God's Word to heal. Does she have access to the teaching of the Word on TV or radio? Perhaps you could get her some DVD's with teaching on them? I am typically skeptical of televangelists...


I've burned CD's for her to listen to at Sermonaudio.com (http://bibleforums.org/forum/www.sermonaudio.com), but getting her to listen to them is like pulling teeth. Getting her to do a personal Bible Study is like constant nagging. We can do Bible studies together. She preferrs to listen to Gospel music over sermons mostly because she's a singer.


I don't listen to any televangelists because they don't teach sound doctrine. I really don't want to get into that, but that's all I'll say. Thanks for your advice. I just wanted to point out that she has opportunities to read the Word, listen to the Word and hear uplifting music, but instead she choosing to watch things like the View or Soap Operas usually when I see her with free time. I'm not judging her, but like I said getting her to focus on her spiritual walk more is like nagging and pulling teeth. Mostly because she falls victim to the Accuser and she begins to doubt and blame the Lord. She begins to question if he is doing things to her on purpose. Yes, I already went over James 1:13 with her, but it takes one bad thing to happen in the day and she gives in to the doubt, etc. etc.

One last thing, I DO plan on getting help, I just want to make sure it is God Approved Help. I don't want to run to some random doctor just because they're the resident specialist. I do believe in medicine, I just believe in being a little cautious when it comes to the medical industry and beliefs. I'll leave it that, I'm sorry for being vague on some of these things but I don't want this to spiral into a debate about who's right and who's wrong. Let's just leave at that. I was the one who got her help in Georgia and I'll be sure she can talk to someone here until we can move, I can get a new job, or the Lord leads us elsewhere and lifts the affliction.

Thanks for all your advice and prayers, we really need them.
God Bless
BrotherRoy

[BrotherRoy]

I forgot to address this:

Remember you have been the one who in the past has pretended those feelings were not there and that will make it harder for her to talk calmly with you.

I wouldn't say I pretended, I would say ignorant to the true cause of them. Remember I said she's a good actor. I'm not placing the blame on her and I don't want to attack you, but I want to point out to Vhayes that this statement is what I am concerned with..the way the word "pretended" seems to be used here as if I maliciously did it on purpose when that was not the case. I don't want to sound to defensive, but I'm also trying to humble myself without getting too beat up in this situation. It's hard to explain.


For you to fully understand the whole situation I would have to divulge to you both of our situations at the time. The time she came to be about her issue, I was dealing with some serious issues at work so in Georgia we were both in denial about our state of mind. I recall times where I thought I was having heart attacks due to stress. So it's not all about what I did or didn't do.

I think one of the biggest issues here is as I said in the previous reply. As a young couple we do not take the opportunity to understand each other. That goes on my half and hers.


Think about how you show you you love her. Think about how she shows love and try to think of ways you could show her love in a way she could hear. Someone who shows love in small thoughtful acts will see you love them if you do small thoughtful things for them like carrying out the household rubbish, bathing the kids so they could put there feet up.

Someone who shows love through small gifts will know you love them if you leave them small notes and cards or bring them a small bar of choclate or a flower you saw.
You may be someone who says words of comfort and love but if your wife shows love in a differant way then you will keep misssing each other and end up feeling unloved by the other even if this is untrue. Feelings can be pretty big and crushing to experienence.

We've read the Five Love Languages, but it doesn't always work. I don't want to get into the why, let's just say it doesn't always work for us.

I'm not making excuses, but theres always more to the situation than the surface.

I understand where you're coming from. Truly, I do. Thank you for your prayers and advice.

I will get help as soon as I can. She already told me if the insurance doesn't cover counseling then there is a free program her Doctor's office is offering at a Church near the office.

God Bless,
BrotherRoy

[turtledove]

Brother Roy, Having read through these replies to you and your response to them (not to negate your comments of appreciation) I think I just need to remind you that the decision of what to do next is really yours. Any suggestions here are yours to simply consider. You have been heard. As a wife and grandmother and a woman I will not be blaming you for this situation. PPD is not due to your behavior. It is her condition.

I noticed that you repeated that you think your wife is acting. I am not saying acting is okay but this could be her way of dealing with the emotions and circumstances she can't control. A kind of escape. The watching of TV at such lengths is also an escape from the reality of her situation both of which you probably know. I can understand how hard it much be to communicate with her in her present state of mind.

Not to be discouraged that she is refusing to read the Word. That could change when she is better; but she needs to get better first.

PPD is very real. You do need to look for professional help and you all do need a support system. Isolation from a support system is part of the problem.

I feel for your wife, your children, and you as you are going through such a difficult trial. God bless you for reaching out here for :help:. Obviously you love her and are trying to pull her out of this. But you do need help beyond anything we are able to give you on the forum. I pray you find it.

peace...:pray:

wiseoldowl

[Sold Out]

You made two important statements...no church attendance and infrequent bible study.

I'm not saying those two things will 'cure' the problem but if you guys had been plugged into a body of believers years ago, you might have had a better support system for her and she might have made friends with women who have gone thru what she is going thru. This is one of the very important reasons to be part of a body of believers - to minister to one another.

But at this point, that is water under the bridge. You NEED to find a church and get your family into a routine. You will be teaching your children the priorities of life (God first), and getting solid biblical instruction for you, your wife, and your children.

If I had three small children and another on the way...I would feel like I was losing it too! The BEST woman would crack under that kind of pressure! As a man, I do not expect you to understand, so just take the advice that all of us have given you and do something with it. Get your wife to a doctor. She may need some medication to get her over the hump of the overwhelming pressure. Then YOU need to invest in books, tapes, videos, etc that will help you understand how to minister to your wife during this hectic and trying time.

[flybaby]

All right, I haven't read the other responses, but here's what I can see from the other side of it...

1. You have to get a different job. Easier said then done, I know....but you have to have a job where you are sleeping at the same time as the rest of the family for the most part. She needs your home hours to be "normal" of sorts. I know that this is not always possible...no, I know that this is not impossible because my husband and I did this even though it meant a huge life change. Then we changed jobs again to make it even better for home life and took a huge financial blow...but we have muddled through and let me tell you, if it weren't for that, I would probably have had a full mental breakdown by now since I've been suffering from PPD this time.

Okay, I'm going to stick with just 1. because I think that is the most important thing right now for your family.