Alone, lonely and confused

[*Living~By~Faith*]

I've been going through a difficult time this past week. I'm so tired of being alone and lonely. Part of me wants a relationship, but another part of me knows that I don't need to get into a relationship right now. I'm working on completely focusing on the Lord and I think a relationship may become a distraction for me. Even if it was a God-center relationship. I wish I didn't want to be in a relationship, but I can't seem to get past wanting to be in one.

I just want someone to talk to one phone and to occassionally go places with. I want a friendship with a male that may lead to a serious relationship. People have told me that in order to meet someone I need to get out and become friends with guys and there will be a connection when the right one comes along. But I just don't know how I'm supposed to be friends with guys without falling into the same trap over and over again. I become friends with a guy, then I begin liking him and get my hopes up that we will become more than friends only to find out that he isn't interested in me beyond a friendship. I am so tired of going through that. I've been hurting a lot this past week, but it's all my own fault for falling into the trap again. There is a guy at church that I like but he isn't ready for a relationship and he hasn't showed any interest in me at all. I'm now faced with the decision of whether or not I should continue having a friendship with him. It'd be better if I stay away from him if there isn't any possibility of there ever being anything between us.

How can I have a friendship with a guy without falling hard and fast for him? How do I quit falling for someone and hoping that it will develop into more than a friendship? How can I get all of this out of my mind and get my mind completely focused on God where it needs to be?

[turtledove]

Hi LBF, I don't really have any wise words to give you so to live up to my user name i.e wiseoldowl..except to say, "been there done that." Seems like lately almost every time I post I am saying, "been there done that." :spin:

I have been married so long that now I am a grand mother and a retired teacher..but I do remember how it was once. I used to fret over guys who didn't like me as well as I liked them..who were going off on adventures and not ready to get serious, or who were simply buddies but had no romantic interest in me, or who really had their eyes on another. And then there were those who I considered friends who liked me more than I liked them and considered me out of reach and so it went for some years. It was a time of testing and a time of experience.

When it all stopped is when I went off to join the missions and just simply forgot about it. There we were so busy tending to the needs of children in our mission school and getting all the chores done I didn't even think about it even though there were some interesting single men working at our mission. I just spent my time enjoying the company of our community, working and serving, and praying and having a good time. Then in a year when I really didn't care if I met Mr. Right or not..I did. Yep, he was one of the men who worked in the missions too. One of the things he liked about me was that I wasn't easily won. Not sure why that works and didn't mean it to..but it sparked his interest and, in time, he sparked mine.

He was an answer to prayer but I had to give the idea of him up before I even met him.. and wait on the Lord before we encountered ..if that makes any sense.

Your situation is frustrating I know but keep faith, not to fret, as you wait patiently..God is full of surprises and does not disappoint us in our hope.

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Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

Romans 8:25
But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

Hebrews 6:15
And so after waiting patiently, Abraham received what was promised.

notsowise..old owl. ;)

[livingwaters]

Praying for you to find a Godly relationship. May our Father bring a Christian into your life. Prayerfully, it will get better soon.

God Bless!!:)

[*Living~By~Faith*]

How is it possible to become friends with a guy without becoming interested in him right away? I just don't know how to prevent that. I just fear that happening only to find out that the guy isn't interested beyond a friendship.

I wish I could get this out of my mind and quit focusing on this, but it's just hard because I'm lonely and I'm tired of being alone and lonely. But I still keep going back and forth on if I even want one day get married.

Having patience to wait on God is a major struggle for me right now.

[Literalist-Luke]

How is it possible to become friends with a guy without becoming interested in him right away? I just don't know how to prevent that. I just fear that happening only to find out that the guy isn't interested beyond a friendship.LBF, the reason it keeps on happening is because of where you want the relationship to wind up. This is probably going to sound a little "different", and I'm going to try to express this accurately, but it is possible to be in control of your feelings, although it isn't easy.

The reason that you're finding yourself repeatedly enamored with guys is because you have made it a priority in your life to have some sort of romantic relationship. That's a choice that you have made. Now, don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with that choice. After all, we were designed by God for romantic relationships, so long as they're handled in the way that God intended, of course.

Because romance is a priority for you, you're going to automatically look at every guy who crosses your path as a potential candidate for just such a relationship. Many of them you'll reject at first glance, but it'll still be in the back of your mind.

Now, as you get to know a guy who you think might be OK, here's where the change needs to occur. (This is hard to do, it takes a lot of self control and discipline.) When we start getting infatuated with somebody, it's because we start envisioning a future with that person. We start playing out scenarios in our mind of how certain things might happen, like the moment when we declare our love for each other, or the first kiss, and so forth and so on. It is a natural tendency for us to imagine things like that happening with whoever this person is that we would like for it to happen with. Then, as we develop those thoughts and continue imagining just such a relationship taking place, we start wanting it very badly. Sometimes we even start obsessing with it and allow it to take over our thought life. (I'm speaking from experience here, just so you know.)

Then, we start trying to steer the relationship in that direction. If the other person goes along with it, then everything is good and well, and we hopefully "live happily ever after", but if not, then we can be devastated over having to give up our dream of having that relationship with that person. Does that sound familiar? :yes:

So here's the key: Do NOT allow yourself to start imagining a romantic relationship with the latest possibility. As soon as those thoughts start appearing in your head, just put them aside and only allow yourself to envision your relationship with that person as merely friends. Or, even more powerfully, only allow yourself to envision that person as nothing more than a casual acquaintance. This will prevent you from starting to develop imaginings and dreams of where the relationship could wind up, only to have them dashed.

Now, I want to clarify, as long as you are not allowing yourself to start thinking of that person in a sexual way, but only a romantic way (and they are indeed different), then you are not sinning. There is a big gray area between them that we have to be careful of, but it is possible to be romantic without being lustful. I'm only mentioning that because a lot of Christians get paranoid anytime somebody starts talking about romance and they start sounding the "lust" alarm. Personally, I think they need to chill.

But anyway, to sum it up, the way for you to avoid having your feelings dashed as you have described is for you to NOT start thinking about having a relationship with the guy in question until he expresses an interest.

I know, I know, this is not an easy thing to do. I know somebody right now who I would be very happy having a romance with, but she has made it very clear that she's not ready for something like that, so I respect her wishes on the matter and in the meantime, I do not allow myself to sit around and start envisioning having any romantic connections with her. Some days I'm more successful than others, but it can be done.

Let me ask you two questions:

1. What area do you live in? Are you in a fairly populous area?

2. Have you ever considered something like eHarmony.com? I know a lot of people will panic at the mention of something like that because of all the pedophile predators out there, but you are not a child. So long as you're careful about what you share about yourself in the initial stages, it's possible that you might have some luck with something like that. Just something to think about.

:)

[*Living~By~Faith*]

Literalist-Luke -- That's what I needed to hear. That's what I have to do, change my thought process on this altogether. I haven't been in a relationship for over five years because there really just hasn't been any opportunities for me to meet guys. During that time I was fine with being alone. I guess the problem now is that I have the opportunity to meet guys at my church. But I just don't want to fall into the same trap. But I'm going to really work hard on what you suggested and not think of any guys as potential interests at least not until they show an interest in me first. Oh and I did try online dating a couple of times during those five years, but never had any luck and really didn't like it anyway.

[Literalist-Luke]

There's something else that also might be worth keeping in mind. Anybody of the opposite gender that you spend a lot of time with, 90% of the time, an attraction will develop - both ways. The person I was speaking of in my previous post who has told me that she's not ready for any sort of romantic relationship has also confessed to me that she has a real struggle not having any feelings of attraction for me, because we've been spending a LOT of time together for a little over a year now. When she told me that, my first thought was something like, "Well, what's wrong with you, just let it go!" But then after I thought about it a moment, it occurred to me that "It's OK, you just keep on struggling, because I know that the more time we spend with each other, the stronger those feelings are going to get, and eventually, they're going to be so overpowering, you won't be able to resist." http://i172.photobucket.com/albums/w40/litluke/heh-1.gif And at that point, she'll have to make a choice to either go ahead and quit being "just friends" or she'll have to completely cut off the relationship altogether, which I seriously doubt she'll do.

So here's my point for you: If there's anybody who you enjoy being around, just spend time with him. Get to know him. Don't be aggressive about it, just be relaxed. Don't constantly be analyzing every word that you say or every move you make to try to make sure it'll make the "right impression". Just be yourself and let him be himself. Talk about the things that interest you, but even more than that, try to get him to talk about things that interest him, even if they don't interest you. One thing that most marriages today are really missing is a true emotional intimacy, where both people know each other's inmost, deepest, secret thoughts. That's one thing that this person I'm speaking of and I both have. We've shared things with each other about ourselves and about our relationship with the Lord that we wouldn't dare tell anybody else about. I guarantee you that, even though we are officially "just friends", we're actually more closely bonded than most married people are. See if you can build something like this in your own life. It takes a very long, long time, huge patience, lots of talking, huge patience, being very open and vulnerable about yourself to a degree that would actually be uncomfortable around most people, and huge patience.

At some point along the way, it is absolutely inevitable that the idea is going to occur to the other person that there might be something more there than just a plain old friendship. There is no way they will be able to avoid the thought. "Resistance is futile", to borrow the Star Trek phrase. It will simply be a matter of whether or not they choose to act on the idea when it occurs to them.

Hopefully this person I'm speaking of will decide to act on it someday with me, and hopefully you'll have the same fortunate experience with somebody else.

You'll be in my prayers. :thumbsup: