My Illness (moved from Breaking the Chains)

[Woodranger]

Hello Everyone,

First I thought I had OCD, but talking to many people they say my example isn't it and some say to get tested for it... this is my story..

I met this girl many years ago when I was visiting my family and friends in another country. We were with each other but then had to separate cause I had to go back to my country. We kept in touch by emails, letters and phone. After awhile we lost contact for a few years. Later there was one year we got in touch again and expressed our love to each other said that we wanted to be with each other but somehow did not meet. Few years have passed and we have met. It seemed like all these years were a pause. We knew we were right for each other and that we wanted to be with each for the rest of our lives. We did something about it, moved together to one place and just recently got engaged. I couldn't imagine being with someone else.

All these years since we met I haven't been with anyone (I have before we met), there were girls that wanted to be with me, that I liked, went on few dates but never couldn't go any further I always thought about this girl I met in another country and always had her in my mind. I do regret for not doing anything earlier, for not going there and doing something about it. The thing that bugs me is that she has been with someone else since we got together for good. Her first was somebody else I always thought that I was going to be her first. I know she regrets it and it was a very short period of time with that somebody, but she felt lonely and thought I stopped caring for her and not wanted to be with her which was untrue but thats how we miscommunicated with each other. So she was interested how it would be the first time and wanted to have someone, which I can't blame her or anyone, we all want to be with someone special.

The thing is that it bugs me sometimes that it wasn't me her first that it wasn't how I always imagined, sometimes I even get weird thoughts in my mind about her and the other person that just come out of nowhere and I don't know how to erase them. It was a bad experience for her she told me, sometimes I want to ask more questions about it but she doesn't want to talk about it which is normal sometimes it bugs and from time to time I ask her questions about it which I shouldn't. I have no idea why this affected me the way it did. I know I'm very lucky to have her and we are madly in love and I would't trade anything for her.

I forgave her and don't talk about it with her and ask questions anymore. Right now what is happening to me is getting those thoughts in my mind about her with that somebody else, thoughts about her losing her virginity, or just random scenes with them doing things of I have never seen of her doing or her telling me about it. I try to fight to those thoughts coming in my head, but they come to me almost everyday. I'm trying to get rid off that.
Sometimes those thoughts or images just enter my mind for few seconds, but I start to feel horrible and they start to control me which is bad, because till changes me to be a bad person, a bad partner, and where I regret more and more of not acting faster than getting to her sooner when we had chances.

I am trying to learn what I have if there is a mental illness involved and how to get better. I thank you for reading this and appreciate any info or advice on what I can do or what is this that is happening to me.

[punkrockgirl]

" The thing that bugs me is that she has been with someone else since we got together for good. Her first was somebody else I always thought that I was going to be her first. I know she regrets it and it was a very short period of time with that somebody, but she felt lonely and thought I stopped caring for her and not wanted to be with her which was untrue but thats how we miscommunicated with each other. So she was interested how it would be the first time and wanted to have someone, which I can't blame her or anyone, we all want to be with someone special."

I am sorry your girl was unfaithful. You must really love her to forgive her, and to continue to be with her. I don't believe acting on things faster would have made any difference. If you were already together, then she could have talked to you about feeling not being cared for and not wanted. Do you have OCD I really don't think so. I believe your having these thoughts is normal in a sense that I would be wondering as well. As to If I am be compared or will I be? and so on and I would be angry at the other person probably even though they probably had no idea and I would be angry at my love. It's normal to be upset. I don't know how long ago this happened but it's always going to be there and is going to take sometime to get through. I am not a doctor but I really don't think your mentally ill maybe having a little anxiety which everyone has now and again. Since you feel it is making you a bad partner/person maybe you should talk to a pastor/ counselor alone or together to work through this. And praying is always good. I hope I was somewhat helpful. I will pray for you -God Bless

[Woodranger]

Thank you punkrockgirl for your advice, support and prayer, it really means a lot to me. The thing is that this regret is stuck with me and when I think to myself that if I would have done something faster meaning doing something about it, I wouldn’t be dealing with these things now, she wouldn’t be with that person, we weren’t together when she was thinking I didn’t care for her or me thinking that she didn’t care about it. I just wished we communicated better but for some reason that did not happen then and also her being miles away. I did not think about this at all at the beginning of us being together but as we talked about our past this began to happen. When these thoughts or pictures (very bad) came to my head out of nowhere of seeing her with that somebody else it made me sad, angry and sometimes I was angry at my girl for no reason. I pray and pray and God helps me get through it, I have faith in Jesus. These thoughts and pictures come and go. Sometimes they don’t happen for along time and then out of the blue after awhile they come back, sometimes I’m strong and I let them disappear without any harm to me but sometimes I’m weak and just feel like crying. I will continue to pray and I will need your prayers and I know that our Lord will give me the strength to get rid of this regret and these feelings. I know that she is a gift from God, it’s such a miracle how we ended up together and I thank the Lord for this treasure. I just need to take a better care of it and not have God be disappointed in me.

[turtledove]

Hi Woodranger and welcome to the forum. You may want to introduce yourself in our Introductions section.

First of all, none of us are professionals here..so we can't determine what your medical condition may be or whether you should be tested or not; but from my experience with some who have OCD..it doesn't sound quite like it to me. Yet some may have more to offer on that here. Mainly on our forum we give you advice and offer support or maybe share our own experiences. I moved your post to this counseling section so more will see your need to be freed from this problem and offer help from a biblical perspective.

When the thoughts about your girlfriend's past come at you, as you say they do, ..your best defense is a good offense. Bad thoughts, as you well know, don't come from God, and I think you are aware that they are temptations from the enemy to discourage, degrade, and certainly thwart your relationship with God and others.

Yes, you must forgive her..but having done that..when the pictures come..

1. Pray and submit yourself to God. And, then say to the enemy who is using these to taunt you..."Satan, in the name of Jesus Christ, I resist you and command you to leave me alone because I have been redeemed by the blood of Jesus Christ."

We are instructed in the scriptures to resist him, knowing that he will flee from the believer who stands firm in the faith, who has the power of the Holy Spirit, and who, as a Christian is, as I mentioned above, redeemed because of the blood of Jesus.

"Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, ..." (1 Peter 5:8-9)

"Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you." (James 4:7)

2. Begin focusing on other images. Like a scene from the Gospels or something beautiful you remember or a time when you have felt very close to God.

"... whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. "(Philippians 4:8-9)

3. Mainly focus on Jesus in gratitude for all He has done for you. And tell him by giving thanks and praises to God.

"Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good;
his love endures forever.
Let the redeemed of the Lord say this--
Those he redeemed from the hand of the foe,..." (Psalm 107:1-2)

praying for you, :hug::pray:

wiseoldowl

[Woodranger]

Hi wiseoldowl, nice to meet you. Thank you for the warm welcome and your help.
I know that this evil is doing these things to me, every time I become very close to God and everything is so great with my girl, evil one day out of the blue tries to attack me with these thoughts and pictures. I know faith in Jesus will overcome this evil with good. I have been weak at times and I do see how it destroys my relationship with God and my girl. I have become stronger and I am becoming stronger especially when I have great advice from you. I thank you so much for your prayer it means a lot to me, God bless you. I know praying will get me stronger and help me get through this.