Detailed - but need some advice...

[advantageousguy]

I've been married for two years now. We're both Christians and I beleive our values are the same. I found out recently that she was communicating with an old friend of hers from college, which wasn't an issue for me. I did see on her phone text-screen one day that this old friend was requesting that my wife reach him reach him via a new phone number because only he knew about that number and no one else did. In all honesty, I didn't get a good impression of this guy and also the situation in itself. I inquired with her (after admitting to reading her phone-screen - i know, poor decision on my part) about the request. She stated to me that he and her were simply friends and that the guy's wife had an issue with the two of them talking due to some past communications that upset his wife. I asked what they were, and she said there was nothing - so, I believed this. Turns out this friend of hers wanted to get together with my wife to meet-up. She told me he offers to meet up with her from time to time - which puts me in protective mode for my relationship. I believe a man who disregards his wife's feelings over another woman would care even less for a relationship he has nothing to do with. Now I don't have issues with past college friends, guys, girls, cats, dogs, whatever, but it is difficult for me to accept a situation in which a married man is attempting to meet up with, and also communicate with a girl that his wife has issues with. Moreover, if it's the woman in my life.

I expressed my concern to my wife and she got pretty angry with me. And before I write more - I want to say that my wife is not a volatile, mean person, in anyway - she just happened to grow angry that I questioned this interaction.

I prayed about this for a few weeks because it was really eating me up. I went over the possible routes, to say nothing, let things go their course, or compromise something, but in the end I thought I want to protect my relationship from any immoral forces that may be present. I explained to my wife that I was uncofortable with that communication with this individual. Also, I explained that she comes first in my life and if she was ever in the situation of her college friends wife, how would she feel about me keeping a covert communication line and potential meet-ups with said other woman?

As gently as I tried to explain this (at least from my perspective, biased of course, but I'm a calm talker, not a yeller) she got very upset. Normally I would have thought, maybe I was being out of line but my request that she stop communicating with this guy, but I didn't feel that. I truly felt I had to do this to protect our relationship.

My wife e-mailed this guy explaining that she didn't think it was a good idea to go against his wife's wishes - which gave closure, for a moment. The individual responded upset demanding my wife call him - over the line for me. She didn't call him.

A couple days later, the guys wife writes to my wife, saying she's checking his e-mails and appreciated my wife requesting not to have contact with him anymore. What a mess - a guy's wife checking his e-mails because of things like this. This response was a lengthy e-mail my wife forwarded me to read. When I talked to her about it, she said that her friend's wife is 'crazy,' 'out of control,' etc. I didn't know what to make of it, but just wanted it to be over with. If they had history back in the day, I didn't care, I just didn't want any of that around our relationship. I figured everything was done.

I check my e-mail that evening, and saw I had an e-mail in my box from the same "crazy" wife. The e-mail was the exact same one my wife sent to me, but was missing an important detail regarding some letters and cards my wife had given to this guy (not while I was married) but while this guy was married to his wife. I confronted my wife, realizing she edited out some of the e-mail she forwarded to me.

Like I said, I don't care what happened in the past, but I'm presented with this situation in which a man is disregarding his wife's needs, and the worst and hurtful part to me, is that my wife edited what she sent me. It naturally made me feel like my wife and this guy had something to hide and I have no idea what to make of it. I didn't even tell my wife about the e-mail until I had a few days to cool off, and another few days to pray about this. I didn't even know what to pray for at first I was so frustrated.

When I decided to ask my wife about the deleted info - she was ready to walk out of the room and got really upset with me. I just wanted to hear some rational response, but her walking out made things even worse. This is something that she refuses to talk to me about and still holds her view that the communication was fine, even though it did not honor the man's vows to his wife, or their relationship. She says she'd still be talking to the guy if I didn't 'force' her to end that communication.

I'm not sure and won't ever be about how that lady got my e-mail address, but I wish she never did. This is a topic that is left without closure in my relationship and I don't feel at ease with it. It's caused trust issues and I'm not sure how to go about it fixing them if I can't even talk to her because it turns into a blow-out. Honestly I can put it behind me that this happened, but what bothers me the most is that my wife doesn't see how this behavior is innapropriate for a marriage. I found lots of scripture that I feel solidifies my belief on this issue, but our relationship is stagnent because of this event.

Any advice? Anyone?

[Duane Morse]

You are right to feel uneasy.
How you can believe your values are the same is beyond me.

My advice is:
Be ready for the day that she leaves you. She can't be trusted.

[Bethany67]

How would she react if you suggested seeing a Christian marriage counsellor? You're right to be concerned - from what you've said, her strong reactions ring alarm bells and she's grudgingly complying with your request not to be in contact with this guy (but is angry with you for 'making' her do it). There's something very wrong if she's prepared to jeopardise two marriages by her behaviour, and if she's been interfering in their marriage with cards etc even before she was married to you; she has no understanding of personal boundaries. Basically sounds like the other guy is cruising for an affair ad instead of telling him to get lost, she's playing with fire. I'm really sorry :( I'd suggest you pray that the Lord will convict her of her sin and bring her to repentance, or you'll be constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. If my husband persisted in such behaviour, I'd see it as a form of willful adultery. If you're in a church, I'd suggest you meet with the pastor for support and advice.

Actually I'd be more direct - I'd contact the other guy and tell him to take his filthy paws off your marriage, but that's just me.

Should say I faced something vaguely similar. My husband's a school teacher and stayed in touch with a former female pupil who is now a mother (neither of them are Christians). I didn't have an issue with them staying friends, but she bought him a birthday present which I felt was inappropriate a few years back (can't remember what it was - may have been a piece of jewellery). I told him I was unhappy and she needed to back off right now from this lingering crush, and if he wasn't prepared to tell her so, give me her number and I'd tell her personally. He could tell I was serious; I know he had no romantic interest in this woman, he loves me, but he kind of just got caught up with her pushing the boundaries, was simultaneously flattered and embarrassed by her attention, and was grateful that I stated my case so clearly. As soon as he knew I was unhappy AND serious that I wasn't going to tolerate it, he told her to back off and the reason why (so she knew that I knew). They exchange the very occasional text message now but she's taken the hint and it is purely friendship now. I'm happy with that and I trust him; he needed to know how strongly I felt. I think he'd've been worried if I'd been more blase about it. I'm someone who will confront what I see as a direct threat to our marriage, and if conversely he was unhappy with any of my friendships with ex-boyfriends, I'd drop the friendships because my marriage comes first. As it is, he knows my exes, has met them and they are now personal friends of his; he sees them socially and I don't.

[Timshel]

I am scared to give an input on this since I don't know you personally.
But I will be honest.
She is hiding something, the mere fact she is reluctant to assure you in explicit terms that there is nothing going on and seem to be too sensitive with the topic about the other guy is a warning sign for me.
You asked her by your attempts to talk to her to choose between you and him. She hesitated to give an answer. Uh-oh.
Her answer should be quick and visible fast, it should be YOU. Not a pause, not a plea for his case. It is not right for her to talk about his wife in negative adjectives, because if she is really just concerned for a friend, she should see and care for their union and relationship with each other, not a cause for further rift between them.
Again, I don't know you on a personal level, my input is purely an opinion to the facts you shared.
Pray harder, storm the heavens for your wife. May God give her grace on this temptation and give you an unending capacity for forgiveness.

[Mograce2U]

It sounds like this guy is trying to seduce your wife and is making some headway in that she is defending him. Since the marriage bond makes the husband and wife "one flesh" she is wrong to put herself in the middle and take or listen to his side. A woman's ministry is to other women and she is to encourage wives to love their husbands and children (Titus 2:4). There are no instructions for women to counsel men at all. The avoidance of the appearance of evil has already been compromised on her part, and now that the guy's wife is fully aware she needs to cut herself off from further involvement in what is none of her business in the first place.

I am sure she thought she could help him as a friend, but if she had been open about this she would have told you up front and perhaps wanted to invite them over to dinner so that you could both be an encouragement for them. Instead she has made herself a busybody and is dissing you in the process. This is not good. I would suggest the two of you meet with your pastor or a counselor and try to restore harmony in your marriage and get back to what the word says so it can be what guides both of you in the future.

Women are prone to let their feelings lead them and this is what led Eve to listen to the devil who deceived her so that she transgressed the Lord. You are right to see thru this. And since you know men better than she does and are seeking the Lord's will, you need to take action here.

[livingwaters]

:pray::pray:ing that the Lord grab hold of her and let her see what a mess this can lead to....Some fall for flirtatious babblings, dwell on the past and don't let go....This will bring destruction to your marriage...the other guy will paint the picture that "the grass will be greener on the other side." I fell for that before and didn't heed advice and ended my 25 year marriage. So, stop it before it goes any further.

The Lord is very concerned about this situation..Get your bible and show her the scriptures regarding marriage...

God Bless:)

[Duane Morse]

So, stop it before it goes any further.

Easier said, than done.

That gets into the area of controlling anothers actions, thoughts and feelings.

[faroutinmt]

I agree with what others have said and I'm very sorry to hear that you are going through this. May God give you wisdom and discernment to fight (in God's love) to hold onto the wife you love.

It would be nice if you could just sit down with your wife and talk about the relationship between the two of you. I would certainly tell the other man to go find love with his own wife. I pray that God will turn you and your wife's hearts back toward each other.

[Tanya~]

I've been married for two years now. We're both Christians and I beleive our values are the same.

Maybe you need to talk about this.... with your pastor. Do you attend church together? At this point you probably would do best with some help, and your pastor is the best adviser for you to give you the next step.

I would also recommend you do a lot of praying for your wife and for your marriage. Pour out your whole heart to God, all your fears and concerns. I pray the Lord will save your marriage and deliver your wife from the deception of the evil one.

[RoadWarrior]

Hi, and welcome to the forum. I hope your time here will be fruitful for you.

As to the situation that you describe in your opening post, I'd say it is time for you and your wife to do some basic work that you may not have done before now. You need to court her again, but this time in a way that you are really listening to her. Find out who she is, and what is really important to her. Not in relationship to this issue; rather in relationship to nothing in particular, but just getting to know her.

Falling in love is a wonderful thing, but to be sustained, we have to do the works of love. 1 Corinthians 13 spells it out. Are you treating each other with those behaviors?

Give her the chance and the opportunity to talk to you. Try to see what makes her tick. Find out what she needs, that you might not be giving to her, and then work on fixing those gaps.

Eph 5:25-33
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, 26 that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, 27 that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish.

28 So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. 30 For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones.

31 "For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." 32 This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, ... NKJV

May the Lord bless you as you grow in your marriage and in Him.

[Makimbo]

So apparently a few people on here think that your wife is a lost cause. I am SO SORRY people have actually told you this. God is in the business of restoring marriages!! I think you've gotten some really good advice but I just wanted to share this story my pastor told a while back about his friends. His friend was a pastor who decided he was gay and ended up leaving his wife for another man. Obviously everyone was shocked but amazingly enough the wife just continually prayed for her husband, refusing to give up hope for him. After around 3 years of praying one day the husband returns, admitting he still does not find her attractive but that he will live with her again. Now the husband has admitted that he is more attracted than ever to his wife and that their sex life couldn't be better.

If only more people could have the faith that this woman did then there wouldn't be so many broken marriages. Continue to pray for healing and restoration my friend.

[Soulangel]

Thank you for having the courage and tenacity to be so open and honest, and for being a loving and caring husband. Your wife is simply holding onto one emotion from the past which is holding her in an illusion which gives her a 'buzz' when she communicates with this guy, hence why she gets all 'huffy' and storms off in a guilty 'tantrum' when you confront her. She can't make this confession to you, because she's married to you and supposed to love you and of course she doesn't want to make this confession and risk losing you.

Now, the problem here is that satans got her all bound up because the truth is your wife loves you deeply and satans got her believing a lie that this old male friend of hers could supply or meet one of her needs which is currently not being met in her marriage. What to do? Well she can't talk about it because she's embarrassed and feeling ashamed - you can tell because she couldn't come out to him and say "my husband said I can't speak to you anymore" she had to say "because your wife said we shouldn't talk we have to honor that", so what you need to do is regain her trust that she can talk to you at a deep level about her feelings/sin. So reread what Road Warrior said and court your wife again, get to know her, love her faults and all and get her to open up as to what her needs are that aren't being met in your marriage.

Yes, it's hard being the hubby when your wife isn't communicating, but if necessary get a third party to help you both to learn to communicate and pray which road to take. Don't give up because she's not, she just doesn't know how to tell you what she needs from you and chose and old well worn path.

God bless you for your perseverance ~ Soulangel