I have a problem with a person in church

[student of the Lamb]

Over the last six months or so this one particular woman has insulted and disrespected me while at church. She is a dominating diva-type woman who is very authoritarian and extroverted. I have no idea why and I do truly believe that I have done nothing to have caused this. I, also, truly believe that if she has a problem with me, she should come to me and talk about it rather than playing childish games. The problem is two-fold in that, first of all, I do believe that I understand God's will that I try to resolve this issue but feel that there is nothing that I can do to change the situation. Secondly, I do believe that this person will either say that I am completely mistaken and that I am reading more into this than there is or she will say that she has no idea what I am talking about.

I do know that anytime I stick my foot in a bear trap I should learn from it. I have had several instances where I have stuck my foot in that bear trap hoping that the situation will change. I now feel that the best option for me is to quit sticking my foot in the bear trap.

[TravisJ]

Well as a Christan, I have people to do so, but we have to be longsuffering, just be as a good Christian, and just show your love, although she is mean to you, you be nice to her. Show her respect, and she will get over it, also pray for her in your prayer. God will take care of it.

[Bethany67]

I had a similar situation in the CU at college; this guy would criticise, and literally shout me down at any opportunity, for no apparent reason. Others were very much aware of it. I approached him and asked if we could sort it out, and he denied the whole thing, so I let it drop and kept my distance. Later in the term he came to me in tears and asked me to forgive him; God had thwapped him during a praise time and told him off. So I'd say pray pray pray.

On the other hand there was a woman who behaved very badly towards me in a church I started attending and showed no signs of letting up. It got to the point where others were being poisoned against me and I was castigated in public, the pastor and elders were unapproachable, and I eventually left.

[Literalist-Luke]

Over the last six months or so this one particular woman has insulted and disrespected me while at church. She is a dominating diva-type woman who is very authoritarian and extroverted. I have no idea why and I do truly believe that I have done nothing to have caused this. I, also, truly believe that if she has a problem with me, she should come to me and talk about it rather than playing childish games. The problem is two-fold in that, first of all, I do believe that I understand God's will that I try to resolve this issue but feel that there is nothing that I can do to change the situation. Secondly, I do believe that this person will either say that I am completely mistaken and that I am reading more into this than there is or she will say that she has no idea what I am talking about.

I do know that anytime I stick my foot in a bear trap I should learn from it. I have had several instances where I have stuck my foot in that bear trap hoping that the situation will change. I now feel that the best option for me is to quit sticking my foot in the bear trap.How did it come to your attention that she is doing these things?

[TravisJ]

I had a similar situation in the CU at college; this guy would criticise, and literally shout me down at any opportunity, for no apparent reason. Others were very much aware of it. I approached him and asked if we could sort it out, and he denied the whole thing, so I let it drop and kept my distance. Later in the term he came to me in tears and asked me to forgive him; God had thwapped him during a praise time and told him off. So I'd say pray pray pray.

On the other hand there was a woman who behaved very badly towards me in a church I started attending and showed no signs of letting up. It got to the point where others were being poisoned against me and I was castigated in public, the pastor and elders were unapproachable, and I eventually left.

You shouldn't have left.. there i felt times, that i should have left the same reason as you did... but I went because of God, and i pushed all the other weights aside and worshiped God, and everything turned out fine...

[cdo]

:)
If you are unaware of the way you feel because of this tension between you two or either a one~sided deal.Pray and search your heart if there's anything at all that you may have said or done~~pray about her and the way she's coming across to you.:pray:It's possible she might feel threatened with you.....God only knows.If you haven't brought any of this attitude toward you from this lady....you should not give it a second thought.Thoughts like those take away your time with God and is not worth your time with her.It's a hindrance to you and your relationship with "The One Who Matters Most Our Lord" However it turns out according to God.....Be nice to her and pray for her attitude with you.God will handle this.:ppYou go and enjoy praising God and fellow shipping with others.:ppPlease don't let this still you joy :hug: in Christ name,Darlene

[student of the Lamb]

I have prayed about this for quite some time. I do not believe that I have caused a problem as I have constantly been a humble servant to the church. I am soon to be sixty two years old and I am disabled, single and have lived by myself for the better part of forty years. Even so, I am talented in many ways and quite youthful in appearance and attitude. Because I have time to put to use in the church I am quite active in several areas from praise team and teaching to church trustee and evangelistic ministry. Several years ago when I was going through a very brutal workman's comp battle my depression got the better of me and I stayed home from church for six weeks while I sorted out my feelings. A friend contacted me and said I needed to get back to church. I did and I have very seldom missed since, including Sunday night and Wednesday night.

About six months ago this person dicided to come down on me about that six weeks and said that if it were not for her husband calling me I probably would not have returned. Her husband never called me. In fact, she made the statement that someone had said to her that I would never be back. These comments I did not find to be very loving. I was at that time the team leader of an evangelistic team and she and her husband were my team. They neither one were very forthcoming, she not at all, with allowing me to check the material that I was supposed to check.

A few weeks ago during a praise team practice our leader who is learning to play the piano in the absence of any piano players in our church was having trouble with a song. I was joking with him as guys do joke with each other. I said " are you sure you are getting your mony's worth out of those lessons?" He laughed as did others but the "diva" looked at me and said,"Boy, there isn't any thing suttle about you , is there?"

We had a workshop recently for the area at our church. I was there to assist in any capacity. At one point we decided we needed more snacks and I ran to the store for more snacks. When I returned I was informed that the person in the nursery was needing a break. I was not told she was leaving which really doesn't matter other than I thought she might be back. Before she left she said I should go get the approximately 16 month old baby a drink of something. Now, as I said I am a single older man and the workings of the nursery are not in any way my normal haunts. I went to the fridge in the kitchen where there was some apple and white grape juice. I asked anyone listening what was recommended for the nursery. The "diva" sounded off that I pretty much should know what to do. I pretty much grabbed something and left her talking to herself. Since that point I have been trying to avoid having any cclose contact with this person. I do not want to allow her the opportunity to take another broadsides at me.

If I felt that there was anything that I might have done to this person I would not hesitate to ask her how I have offended her. I can not help but feel that she has it out for me and any attempt on my part to bring an end to this will end ugly for this sixty two year old bachelor that seems to be somewhat of an enigma to some.

I truly feel I am in a no win situation here. I will not leave this church as I believe that it is as close to what God wants as I can find. That is unless I continue to be a lightning rod.

[Bethany67]

You shouldn't have left.. there i felt times, that i should have left the same reason as you did... but I went because of God, and i pushed all the other weights aside and worshiped God, and everything turned out fine...

It wasn't the right place for me anyway - charismatics don't fit very well into a lot of Baptist places. I felt like a fish out of water, to be honest.

[Maybelle]

I've heard it said that the main thing expected of someone is that they just be polite to others. Maybe you don't have to go out of your way to be really friendly, just be polite. This lady obviously has some issues she is dealing with that are not your fault, so don't let her attitude make you feel bad. In a book I read about forgiveness, it told a story of Jesus giving us magic eyes to see others the way he sees them. This might take some time or even a lifetime (I'm still working on it). Just say to yourself, "She is a child of God."
That's what works for me.

[Bethany67]

Student - it sounds as if (a) she is jealous and threatened by you in some way (maybe because of your position of authority) or (b) someone else is influencing her.

I'm just throwing this out there - could she possibly wonder to herself if you're a bit weird for being single and an older guy? People have strange minds.

In any case, it sound as if she is the one with the problem. I guess you have two choices: stay away from her insofar as that is possible, or follow the Biblical approach by talking to her about it, with others there if necessary and referring to the church leadership if necessary. Don't let her get you down.

[Maybelle]

I've heard it said that the main thing expected of someone is that they just be polite to others. Maybe you don't have to go out of your way to be really friendly, just be polite. This lady obviously has some issues she is dealing with that are not your fault, so don't let her attitude make you feel bad. In a book I read about forgiveness, it told a story of Jesus giving us magic eyes to see others the way He sees them. This might take some time or even a lifetime (I'm still working on it). Just say to yourself, "She is a child of God."
That's what works for me.

[ConqueredbyLove]

I was at that time the team leader of an evangelistic team and she and her husband were my team. They neither one were very forthcoming, she not at all, with allowing me to check the material that I was supposed to check.



I could write a book on this type of thing :o Now, you know why your name is "student of the Lamb" :)

This lady has a root of bitterness in her which can cause so much anguish to the target! In this case you... I am grieved that you are having to go through this...

I am confused, however, on your above statement....Would you care to elaborate on it, if it is not too personal?

I will give you a big :hug:, because these types of things are horrible to go through and are so very distracting....

[Richard H]

People (off balanced people) attack like that when they feel threatened because they do not feel adequate – and jealous of who you are.
I’ve been on the receiving end more than enough times. L,

It is not something you did to her. It is how she perceives you. You can actually think of it as a compliment. J

Without searching for scripture verses…

We are told to go and be reconciled if we have “ought” against another.
In this situation, she has “ought” against you, so it is her move.

You might try reconciling, but your instincts about bringing on more of the same are probably correct.
Until, she realizes what she is doing, she will not change.
Also people (especially like that) do not like to admit they are wrong.

Paul said something about going to a brother to correct him. If he will have none of it – then avoid him.

My personal advice:
Pray for her. Not just about her attitude, but about her needs.
Keep your feet out of the bear trap when possible.

[ServantofTruth]

The most obvious verses, to me, on this subject are Matthew 18:15-17. Now i'd like you to consider that you know the Word of God well? You are very active in the service of our Lord Jesus Christ? You have helped many brothers/ sisters in many ways and continue to?

Return to basics yourself. What did Jesus himself tell You & Me in this situation to do? Sometimes it is so easy to write a reply or teach a group, but what is staring us in the face we miss, because it is too obvious!

1. In private point out what is wrong. If they listen the problem is sorted and christian unity/ love restored.

2. If they won't listen, take along one or 2 other believers. As witnesses (something from the begining of the Law being given). If they listen love returns.

3. If they won't listen involve the whole church. If they will not listen to the authority of the church - they should be treated like a non believer.

I will add and i hope i am not in diobediance to the Word of God. You must listen at points 2 & 3 to other believers and their Spirit filled opinions on this problem. If the church considers you are wrong, after considering all you both say - you should appologise.

How people of satan's world deal swith these problems must be put aside. Only what Jesus says and the bible as a whole is important. SofTy. :pray:

[livingwaters]

Right on, Softy....

One time, we were in a WMU meeting at my former church..I tell you, the arguing started between the ladies, it was unbelievable. At that time, I was a brand new Christian!!! The Lord has arranged it that most of my time was spent in the Word. I absorbed IT like a sponge. So, when I heard the arguing, I thought, "this is not how God's children are to act." So, I politely excused myself...Of course, they realized later why I left. That Sunday, I posted scripture on the Sunday school class bulletin board, saying: Eph 4:31 Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:32) And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you."

It really upset me to hear how they were carrying on about "stuff."

God Bless.:)

[ConqueredbyLove]

People (off balanced people) attack like that when they feel threatened because they do not feel adequate – and jealous of who you are.
I’ve been on the receiving end more than enough times. L,

It is not something you did to her. It is how she perceives you. You can actually think of it as a compliment. J

Without searching for scripture verses…

We are told to go and be reconciled if we have “ought” against another.
In this situation, she has “ought” against you, so it is her move.

You might try reconciling, but your instincts about bringing on more of the same are probably correct.
Until, she realizes what she is doing, she will not change.
Also people (especially like that) do not like to admit they are wrong.

Paul said something about going to a brother to correct him. If he will have none of it – then avoid him.

My personal advice:
Pray for her. Not just about her attitude, but about her needs.
Keep your feet out of the bear trap when possible.

Richard H...Where did you get those cute, little smiles?

Sorry, moderator....I know, off topic :idea:

[student of the Lamb]

I could write a book on this type of thing :o Now, you know why your name is "student of the Lamb" :)

This lady has a root of bitterness in her which can cause so much anguish to the target! In this case you... I am grieved that you are having to go through this...

I am confused, however, on your above statement....Would you care to elaborate on it, if it is not too personal?

I will give you a big :hug:, because these types of things are horrible to go through and are so very distracting....


I was a team leader for an evangelistic ministry team involved in "F.A.I.T.H." This means that I was to have them practice their "outlines" for me and they were to show me that they had done their homework. I has also already had a conversation about this with the pastor. As I said earlier and as I told him. I do not believe that any conversation between her and myself will have any success. Know one knows as much as she does. A one on one conversation will only end up as the others have, particularly since I feelings are that she wants me to come to her and ask her how I have offended her. That ain't happened. I have been very aware of how this woman is for a very long time and I have been as diplomatic and tactful as possible around her. If there is anything that I could have done "wrong" to her it is because she was looking real hard to find something and put me in this position.

[Richard H]

Richard H...Where did you get those cute, little smiles?

Sorry, moderator....I know, off topic :idea:

J I compose in Outlook. (2003) (XP-Pro SP3) Then copy/paste.
Doing the usual : and ) for the smiley face somehow does a macro replacing two type characters with one dingbat/wingding or such character.
The tear on my frowny face L, is just a comma.

The macro thing also kicks in when doing an arrow à
Just two hyphens and Greater Than.
>à “J” Heeheehee :| --> K

[ConqueredbyLove]

J I compose in Outlook. (2003) (XP-Pro SP3) Then copy/paste.
Doing the usual : and ) for the smiley face somehow does a macro replacing two type characters with one dingbat/wingding or such character.
The tear on my frowny face L, is just a comma.

The macro thing also kicks in when doing an arrow à
Just two hyphens and Greater Than.
>à “J” Heeheehee :| --> K


lol....too cute...well, you lost me but that is alright...they are sooo cute :), they make me laugh

[ServantofTruth]

I was a team leader for an evangelistic ministry team involved in "F.A.I.T.H." This means that I was to have them practice their "outlines" for me and they were to show me that they had done their homework. I has also already had a conversation about this with the pastor. As I said earlier and as I told him. I do not believe that any conversation between her and myself will have any success. Know one knows as much as she does. A one on one conversation will only end up as the others have, particularly since I feelings are that she wants me to come to her and ask her how I have offended her. That ain't happened. I have been very aware of how this woman is for a very long time and I have been as diplomatic and tactful as possible around her. If there is anything that I could have done "wrong" to her it is because she was looking real hard to find something and put me in this position.

Sometimes we have to be hard for love's sake. The reason this situation will continue and probably get a lot worse is that YOU are clearly saying I know God's way and I refuse to do it God's way.

In my experience on these forums, i have rarely come across this attitude so clearly stated. I refuse to suggest man's cleverness over the words of Jesus. It is easy to read and repeat/ teach the Word of God, sometimes a lot harder to apply it in our own lives. I pray that you will read these verses in Matthew (chapter 18:15-17) and use them in prayer for this situation.

I hope one day soon, you will lovingly correct me in the Word of God/ the bible and that i will be humble enough to accept it. Peace, SofTy. :pray:

[Richard H]

lol....too cute...well, you lost me but that is alright...they are sooo cute :), they make me laugh

j I've lost my ability to do it now. :(

[student of the Lamb]

Sometimes we have to be hard for love's sake. The reason this situation will continue and probably get a lot worse is that YOU are clearly saying I know God's way and I refuse to do it God's way.

In my experience on these forums, i have rarely come across this attitude so clearly stated. I refuse to suggest man's cleverness over the words of Jesus. It is easy to read and repeat/ teach the Word of God, sometimes a lot harder to apply it in our own lives. I pray that you will read these verses in Matthew (chapter 18:15-17) and use them in prayer for this situation.

I hope one day soon, you will lovingly correct me in the Word of God/ the bible and that i will be humble enough to accept it. Peace, SofTy. :pray:

I know what you are saying and I have already had this same conversation with my pastor. He said nothing. I did all the talking. I said just exactly what you have said to him.

My problem is that for twenty five years the people I worked around in a fabrication weld shop did not like the fact that I came in every day and did a day's work. They made my life miserable and no way in the world woul me apologizing to them for what they did to me have made things any better. After having lived for twenty five years in the same situation and then again being put into the position of asking someone to forgive me for what they did just literally makes me sick. I do not feel that I will be able to deal with the results if I go through with apologizing to her for her making my life miserable.

Hannah was treated miserably by Peninnah much in the same way. All she needed to solve the problem was a baby and God gave her several. I have been as humble a person in this church as I can. This will break me.

[tt1106]

Student,
You shouldn't have a problem with that person, just as they shouldn't have a problem with you. You are allowing her to control your emotions. I suggest you name her Mrs. Zing a ling. Everytime she approaches you or taunst you or angers you, I want you to say to yourself, there goes mrs. Zing-a-ling again.
Then you should be Christ to that person. Naming your hot buttons or the person that pushes them takes away their power over your reactions. After all how can you get mad if in your head you are thinking of whatever funny name you gave her.
Secondly, You can't control the birds that fly overhead but you can control which ones nest in your hair.
Control your thought life. As soon as you start to think ill thoughts, start praying and continue praying.
I have ran into several problems with people who confuse the joy that I
feel for immaturity. Usually it is older parishoners.
You can't control what people say or do, only how you react to it and what you say and do.

[Literalist-Luke]

The most obvious verses, to me, on this subject are Matthew 18:15-17. Now i'd like you to consider that you know the Word of God well? You are very active in the service of our Lord Jesus Christ? You have helped many brothers/ sisters in many ways and continue to?

Return to basics yourself. What did Jesus himself tell You & Me in this situation to do? Sometimes it is so easy to write a reply or teach a group, but what is staring us in the face we miss, because it is too obvious!

1. In private point out what is wrong. If they listen the problem is sorted and christian unity/ love restored.

2. If they won't listen, take along one or 2 other believers. As witnesses (something from the begining of the Law being given). If they listen love returns.

3. If they won't listen involve the whole church. If they will not listen to the authority of the church - they should be treated like a non believer.

I will add and i hope i am not in diobediance to the Word of God. You must listen at points 2 & 3 to other believers and their Spirit filled opinions on this problem. If the church considers you are wrong, after considering all you both say - you should appologise.

How people of satan's world deal swith these problems must be put aside. Only what Jesus says and the bible as a whole is important. SofTy. :pray::agree:

ServantofTruth took the words right outta my keyboard. :D

[ConqueredbyLove]

My problem is that for twenty five years the people I worked around in a fabrication weld shop did not like the fact that I came in every day and did a day's work. They made my life miserable and no way in the world woul me apologizing to them for what they did to me have made things any better. After having lived for twenty five years in the same situation and then again being put into the position of asking someone to forgive me for what they did just literally makes me sick..

Are you still carrying around bitterness in your heart over this? It is beginning to sound to me as if God might be using this to get you to deal with your past hurt over the job situation.

You said you had a horrible battle (or something like that) with worker's comp. and subsequent depression. I agree that after we have been disabled on a job, to fight over worker's comp. just makes our life more bitter.

But, you have to pour out your heart to Jesus over these thing, over and over if necessary and let Him rid you of the hurt. Don't carry it around. It will destroy you and all around you and make your life miserable....

[student of the Lamb]

I have no bitterness. I do have sadness. I have no hurt from the past. I went out of work in 2000 with the injury. The plant shut down 3-4 years later and all those people that were giving me a hard time for doing a day's work for a day's pay while they stood around ended up looking for new jobs and starting back off at the bottom somewhere else. Meanwhile I am on permanent vacation.

I came out the back end of the workman's comp situation better off spiritually and emotionally than I could have ever imagined, better off than I had ever been and it is still that way today. God has blessed me immensely.

As I said earlier, I have spoken to my pastor. I undoubtedly said everything in the conversation that he wanted to hear because he never corrected me on anything. I do understand that reguardless of who is right or wrong that I must do this. I told him that it would take a while for me to be able to do this but I would do this. I am still having trouble understanding why it is happening and why, as the victim, I should apologize. I understand God's plan and Christ's expectations. It is that this is just something that does not make sense to me.

I will relate a story that could be the only possible reason that this person is the way that she is but this is just a complete guess. It happened quite a while ago and if it is the cause of her anger, it is a case of insecurity. I have been very concerned about a woman in our church that I went through grade school, junior high and high school with. She was in an accident many years ago that injured both of her knees. She is now exremely overweight and is having trouble walking across a room. She says that she is completely exhausted. She is a prime candidate for a heart attack. She has two lovely kids that are not related that she initially was a foster parent to and has now adopted them. I have been trying to talk to her about losing some weight but she gives me the old "whatever happens, happens routine. I ask her what will happen to the two kids and she has no answer. I have mentioned this to the other woman and her husband. The only possible connection is that the other woman is overweight but not extremely overweight. They are not the same person. I was not talking about the other person. I was talking about the school friend. If this is her problem, she has undoubtedly decided that I think that she is fat. I said nothing of the kind. She doesn't have any problem getting around. I was not talking about her. Other than that, there ain't no reason and that ain't even a good reason to be as she is.

[ConqueredbyLove]

I will relate a story that could be the only possible reason that this person is the way that she is but this is just a complete guess. It happened quite a while ago and if it is the cause of her anger, it is a case of insecurity. I have been very concerned about a woman in our church that I went through grade school, junior high and high school with. She was in an accident many years ago that injured both of her knees. She is now exremely overweight and is having trouble walking across a room. She says that she is completely exhausted. She is a prime candidate for a heart attack. She has two lovely kids that are not related that she initially was a foster parent to and has now adopted them. I have been trying to talk to her about losing some weight but she gives me the old "whatever happens, happens routine. I ask her what will happen to the two kids and she has no answer. I have mentioned this to the other woman and her husband. The only possible connection is that the other woman is overweight but not extremely overweight. They are not the same person. I was not talking about the other person. I was talking about the school friend. If this is her problem, she has undoubtedly decided that I think that she is fat. I said nothing of the kind. She doesn't have any problem getting around. I was not talking about her. Other than that, there ain't no reason and that ain't even a good reason to be as she is.

Hmmm......I'll write more when I get a chance, hopefully later today...
This is not good....

[ConqueredbyLove]

They are not the same person. I was not talking about the other person. I was talking about the school friend. If this is her problem, she has undoubtedly decided that I think that she is fat. I said nothing of the kind. She doesn't have any problem getting around. I was not talking about her. Other than that, there ain't no reason and that ain't even a good reason to be as she is.

Why, in the first place, did you offer your advice to the extremely overweight person? Did she ask for your help/your advice? I am certain you meant well but....

Why were you talking about the school friend to the lady you are now having trouble with? Are you not aware that is gossip? Sorry to be so blunt but gossip, especially from a leader of a church, is horrible.

[student of the Lamb]

Why, in the first place, did you offer your advice to the extremely overweight person? Did she ask for your help/your advice? I am certain you meant well but....

Why were you talking about the school friend to the lady you are now having trouble with? Are you not aware that is gossip? Sorry to be so blunt but gossip, especially from a leader of a church, is horrible.

I had a serious chat with the woman I have known for 55 years on a Sunday morning when she had to stop and rest on her way to her classroom. She understands that I care.

As I said earlier, she woman I have problems with was on an evangelistic team that I was heading. The issues that my friend has are not a secret. I is a quite open issue. I informed this team of that fact that I felt she needed prayers. We do not belong to any sort of mega church. We are all supposed to be family in a village of 700 and church that has about 150 for Sunday morning Bible study and 200 for Sunday morning services.

The friend of mine knows that I am concerned as I would hope that the others would. I look at her as a sister in Christ and I shared my feelings for her welfare. If any one has a problem with that, they are marching to the wrong drummer.

[ConqueredbyLove]

I had a serious chat with the woman I have known for 55 years on a Sunday morning when she had to stop and rest on her way to her classroom. She understands that I care.

As I said earlier, she woman I have problems with was on an evangelistic team that I was heading. The issues that my friend has are not a secret. I is a quite open issue. I informed this team of that fact that I felt she needed prayers. We do not belong to any sort of mega church. We are all supposed to be family in a village of 700 and church that has about 150 for Sunday morning Bible study and 200 for Sunday morning services.

The friend of mine knows that I am concerned as I would hope that the others would. I look at her as a sister in Christ and I shared my feelings for her welfare. If any one has a problem with that, they are marching to the wrong drummer.

Well, I guess I am marching to a different drummer than....Not the wrong drummer.

Personally, from what you have shared, I think you are the one in error. Not the woman you are having problems with....

[Bethany67]

So the extremely overweight woman, you have spoken to her about her weight more than once despite her brushing you off, and then specifically brought her up as a prayer topic to others? I know you mean well, but yes I can see where the team-woman has a problem with that; it sounds like she is offended on the other woman's behalf.

I think the ball is firmly in your court in apologising to the team-woman.