Bickering between kids

[mrsparks]

Reading the "Rod" thread prompted me to ask you wise parents for some advice on this issue. My kids bicker constantly. Any ideas how to get them to quit? The other day I made them hug each other & say I love you.

[moonglow]

Reading the "Rod" thread prompted me to ask you wise parents for some advice on this issue. My kids bicker constantly. Any ideas how to get them to quit? The other day I made them hug each other & say I love you.

Having grown up with two sisters myself of which the one closest to my age and I argued alot..usually over the youngest one...I have alot of problems believing its a way for one to get more attention from their parents. I hear the stories well they fight because they are each wanting to feel loved by their parents...and I suppose I can see how that can happen. I have heard if the parents spend one on one time with each child separately it really cuts down on the fighting. My parents did what you did...made us say we are sorry and hug each others...the second they were looking we were sticking our tongues out at each other and saying we hated each other! That really didn't help...actually made us more intent on letting the other know how much we hated each other actually!

My mom and dad never figured it out how to stop the fighting...and I don't know why we fought other then we just really didn't like each other. We get along most of the time ok now since we don't have to live with each other! :lol: We are just very very different. Now I almost always got along with my youngest sister ok though...why..I don't...we were more alike I guess. Sorry I am no big help here!

This is why I only have one child...the fighting was so bad I had enough to last me a lifetime and I didn't want two or more children that would be fighting all the time....I just couldn't even stand the idea of reliving that again...:(

One thing to remember...your children are miserable doing this. They are not doing it for fun..there is nothing fun about it. It causes ALOT of damage...alot of hurt feelings and grudges that last for years and years. Find some good Christian parenting books and read up on the reasons why some fight...not all siblings do! Which I find amazing actually. My parents tried everything...and I do mean everything to stop the fighting...spankings, time outs, seperate rooms...nothing helped. No matter how bad the punishment was my sister just flat out made me furious! And I made her furious...at our age we really had little control over our emotions. Emotions rule kids over logic...remember that! We didn't physically fight or anything...but words hurt and we knew how to use them! If as a child I had know how to stop fighting with her...I would have! It just made for a miserable childhood for sure...

God bless

[pinky]

Very rare is it to find siblings that don't bicker, me thinks. :)

The best parenting advice I could give anyone from my own experience, is that the best disciplinary tool with my children has been teaching them about God/Jesus/Scripture.

It seems that the better they understand the Lord and His Word/character ..........and how nothing escapes His notice.......... and that HE is the One they have to answer to.......the better their behavior is.

It seems that the more they know of HIM, the easier my job as a parent has become. It is not me who governs their conscience.


This of course isn't to say that my kids are perfect and never bicker, far from it.

However, when they do bicker we try to give them some chore or activity to seperate them for a while, till they cool down, then we will talk about it.

If your children are old enough, perhaps read them passages that speak of how we are to treat our brethren and family.

Working to keep God and His Word in the forefront of their hearts and minds works very well, imho.

Prayers to you in the Blessed Name of Christ,
pinky

[kayte]

I agree with Pinky. Teaching them verses that apply to the tongue and what loving 'one another' means in the practical every day helps a lot.

I also used to make my kids sit face to face and say five nice things about the other. They had to be things that they truly liked or admired... not "I like your socks". :lol: It seemed to get them to lighten up and see the positives in the other one (I had two kids.)

[BroRog]

I heard a story. Don't know if it's true or not. But it rings true.

I heard San Francisco had a gang problem in the 1800's between two rival Chinese gangs. The weapon of choice was the hatchet. One day a riot broke out (can't remember the reason.) The two rival gangs ran through the streets throwing hatches at each other.

Well, something had to be done. Since the police were powerless to stop it, the military was called in to stop it. When the military arrived, and sensing a common threat, the Chinese temporarily joined forces to fight the military together.

Funny how two opposing forces will unite against a common enemy.

The kids need to learn they can have more fun and get more done through cooperation. You might find ways to reinforce this idea in everyday life.

When my boys got older, they enjoyed playing video games. I would try to find games that offered the option of cooperative play in which the two of them had to work together to defeat "the boss." Once in awhile I would make the lesson explicit, sitting them down and reminding them of the fun and benefit of working together. I also told them that brothers are supposed to love each other and that if they wanted, they could foster a relationship in which each boy would always help the other in life.

Scripture reference:

9 Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. 10 For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up. 11 Furthermore, if two lie down together they keep warm, but how can one be warm [alone]? 12 And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three [strands] is not quickly torn apart. Eccl. 4:9-12

I don't know. Maybe the story is kinda goofy but hopefully you get the idea. :)

[RoadWarrior]

Reading the "Rod" thread prompted me to ask you wise parents for some advice on this issue. My kids bicker constantly. Any ideas how to get them to quit? The other day I made them hug each other & say I love you.


I think sibling bickering is part of growing up. My mom did the same as you, she would make us hug each other, say I'm sorry or something.

Bickering is a healthy way for children to learn how to establish their own space, their own boundaries. If you are able to get them to discuss the issue(s) with you as a referee, you can train them how to get their point across in an effective way. This will give them a strong foundation that will last the rest of their lives.

I love to watch nature shows. Childhood for young animals is all about practicing with each other the skills they will need as adults.

Human children have similar kinds of "play" that allow them to develop and sharpen their skills in intersocial behaviors. Adult supervision and appropriately timed intervention can direct the training to achieve the greatest benefit to both parties.

[BroRog]

I think sibling bickering is part of growing up. My mom did the same as you, she would make us hug each other, say I'm sorry or something.

Bickering is a healthy way for children to learn how to establish their own space, their own boundaries. If you are able to get them to discuss the issue(s) with you as a referee, you can train them how to get their point across in an effective way. This will give them a strong foundation that will last the rest of their lives.

I love to watch nature shows. Childhood for young animals is all about practicing with each other the skills they will need as adults.

Human children have similar kinds of "play" that allow them to develop and sharpen their skills in intersocial behaviors. Adult supervision and appropriately timed intervention can direct the training to achieve the greatest benefit to both parties.

Real good advice. I like the part about being the referee.

[Soulangel]

Don't you just wish they came with a parenting manual 101!! However they don't and they can't because each of them are so individual, and that's they key here really, their individuality. You being the parent are going to have to hone in on their key individual points in order to break down to the starting point of what is triggering the bickering before it begins. However before that you'll need to have something else in place, both parents united.

Children are quick to pick up on if their parents aren't united in the area of discipline and teaching them respect of adults. So both of you have to be united in both these areas. You have to ask yourself if your children speak back to you when you try to discipline them (lack of respect), do they ignore you initially when you speak to them, do they continue to argue after you politely told them to stop and play nicely and so forth. All of these are actually lack of respect issues, so the father needs to step in and teach the children to respect the mother, that everything the mother says they have to do immediately, no questions asked. It's amazing what a difference this can make in a relationship. This then teaches your children respect between each other as well.

When children are taught to apologise after an argument I always taught mine that they have to say it from the heart. So no matter how long it took for them to soften their hearts, they had to stand there, and still do, and let go of their anger, and say sorry. This teaches forgiveness. There can be no falseness, no pretending this way. And yes as others have said, we have biblical teaching and go to church to reinforce all of this, they are encouraged to listen to God and build their own relationship with God which helps them no end.

God bless you, Soulangel

[Tanya~]

I do some of the same things mentioned here. Using the Scripture is the most effective tool I have found not just with this but with everything in parenting. My kids bicker because the younger one pesters the older, and then the older one gets angry. She is the one who gets in trouble then, because her reaction is out of proportion to his pestering, but I do understand her point of view as well. He wants attention and he knows that pestering will get attention. Today I talked with my daughter about this:

Eph 4:2
...with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love,
NKJV

I explained to her that her brother loves her and just needs some attention... etc. etc., and that we have to put up with one another. I also told my son that he needs to stop pestering.

RW commented that young animals practice for adulthood and human childhood is the same. This is our opportunity to teach our children how to treat others, and it will serve them for life.

When my kids were small and they would fight, I would gather them together and tell them to "make a good face at each other." That always made them laugh, broke the tension, and ended the fight.

[threebigrocks]

My girls are like that. They are 13 and 7, and need to share a bedroom. They can be away from each other for a whole day, like if the older one stays overnight at a friends house, and within 5 minutes of her coming home we are in the middle of WWIII.

Their age difference plays a huge role of course. We are to the point where they respect each others space in their room for the most part. I keep telling myself that time will heal this. As has been said by Road Warrior, I let them fight to a point. When it's time to referee I step in and ask them why, point out their error (usually attitude and tone of voice and/or a complete misunderstanding with miscommunication) and remind them that they love each other and we don't need to have the house filled with their yelling. Usually reminding each of them that the other loves them makes them walk away upset - but that is the truth. I hit alot on doing wrong to those we love. Focusing on the love in a relationship, as Christ does with us, even when we are upset, tends to diffuse things.

So aside from patience with their age difference and allowing time to grow them up, remembering they are both emotional girls, we do a lot of refareeing and being the mediator with the girls. Leaving them with something to think about helps alot, and encouraging the youngest to learn from her older sister. And remind the older one that her little sister dotes on her every everything and to remember that when something not so pleasant turns around and bites her back. ;)

Now - my son who is the oldest and my oldest daughter get along better every day, but they always really have aside from the typical kid stuff. It's great watching them grow into friends! My son is 16. Even he and my youngest get along pretty well for the most part.

Part of the trouble, and i'll let you in a little secret - the youngest has a bit of her mamma in her so her personality tends to be to please everyone but bite when something is domineering over her. Like her sister. :rolleyes:

[TrustingFollower]

My girls are like that. They are 13 and 7, and need to share a bedroom. They can be away from each other for a whole day, like if the older one stays overnight at a friends house, and within 5 minutes of her coming home we are in the middle of WWIII.

Their age difference plays a huge role of course. We are to the point where they respect each others space in their room for the most part. I keep telling myself that time will heal this. As has been said by Road Warrior, I let them fight to a point. When it's time to referee I step in and ask them why, point out their error (usually attitude and tone of voice and/or a complete misunderstanding with miscommunication) and remind them that they love each other and we don't need to have the house filled with their yelling. Usually reminding each of them that the other loves them makes them walk away upset - but that is the truth. I hit alot on doing wrong to those we love. Focusing on the love in a relationship, as Christ does with us, even when we are upset, tends to diffuse things.

So aside from patience with their age difference and allowing time to grow them up, remembering they are both emotional girls, we do a lot of refareeing and being the mediator with the girls. Leaving them with something to think about helps alot, and encouraging the youngest to learn from her older sister. And remind the older one that her little sister dotes on her every everything and to remember that when something not so pleasant turns around and bites her back. ;)

Now - my son who is the oldest and my oldest daughter get along better every day, but they always really have aside from the typical kid stuff. It's great watching them grow into friends! My son is 16. Even he and my youngest get along pretty well for the most part.

Part of the trouble, and i'll let you in a little secret - the youngest has a bit of her mamma in her so her personality tends to be to please everyone but bite when something is domineering over her. Like her sister. :rolleyes:
It's no secret here on the board that TBR and I are married so I would like to add just a little bit from the daddy perspective here.

When the older two were younger they did have quite a bit of tension between them. The way I have found effective to teach a lesson when the fighting just would not stop. I made them go to the store with me and they had to hold hands the entire time we were out. Believe me they did not like it at the time. Now looking back at the situation I think it was the best thing that ever happened to their relationship. After that they grew closer and a whole lot friendlier. They still had their disagreements, but they were fewer and farther between. Somehow they learned to love and respect each other through the lesson. And believe me it had to be a miracle because I wasn't even a believer in our Lord Jesus when that lesson occurred. Now with the tension between the two younger girls we use scripture as our reference to teach the lessons in each situation. Thank God they do grow up though and it does get easier.