I want to SCREAM!!!

[Oregongrown]

:cry: Well I did just before I went and got cleaned up for the day. Now I am writing more or less from the memory of those moments this a.m. But I know they will come again. I understand as followers of Christ we are going to "have much trouble" and that we are not fighting flesh and blood but powers and principalities( 12 (http://www.blueletterbible.org/cgi-bin/tools/printer-friendly.pl?book=Eph&chapter=6&translation=nivp#) For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.) I believe that is for me too. I am not fighting against my flesh but I am fighting against sin. All my life I felt I didn't fit, anywhere! Then I am born-again into God's family(93)and the longer I am walking with Him the less I feel I even fit in with the rest of the "family". Problems with churches and their ways/doctrines, problems with other "christians", wanting to argue and straighten them out because they just don't get it(ha, right, like I do). All I want at this moment is to serve the Lord. I want to be somewhere where I can just serve the lost sandwiches and actually tell them about Jesus instead of coming up against stubborn, rebellious, know-it-alls like myself, LOLLLLLLLLLL!!! I come here to this forum and can't get away with any of my garbage so I have to behave and I am trying to and truly want to. But my "sin" nature keeps wanting to nuke someone, tell them they are all wrong. Then I start crying because I truly love people and find it hard to swat a fly:cry: Im crying now. I feel guilty because I want to be liked here and get lots of reps!!! LOLLLLLLL!! But it's not funny because it isn't about earning reps from people, it's about pleasing the Lord who is the Only One who truly knows my heart, the good and the bad:mad: Im so spiritual and loving one day and so "not fit" to be amongst humans the next(sometimes moments not days). And yes, my past reaching out to haunt me(satans fave button to push)being 55 and unmarried, which Im sorry but I don't see that as normal. Do I have to be perfect before God will put a christian mate in my life? I look around and wonder why others have helpmates and husbands. Did I sin too much? Well, if some of you didn't know me before you'll know a lot more now. I hear the Lord telling me I need to be quiet, listen to Him and some of the other kids and rest. So Im going to do that now.

a murmuring child of God:( Just looking on my pity party makes me want to gag:rofl:

PS If theres a forum with "padded walls" and a cool, white jacket with really long arms and velcro, maybe some mod will have mercy on me, as well as the rest of you, and move "me" there:help:

[Oregongrown]

:cry: Well I did just before I went and got cleaned up for the day. Now I am writing more or less from the memory of those moments this a.m. But I know they will come again. I understand as followers of Christ we are going to "have much trouble" and that we are not fighting flesh and blood but powers and principalities( 12 (http://www.blueletterbible.org/cgi-bin/tools/printer-friendly.pl?book=Eph&chapter=6&translation=nivp#) For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.) I believe that is for me too. I am not fighting against my flesh but I am fighting against sin. All my life I felt I didn't fit, anywhere! Then I am born-again into God's family(93)and the longer I am walking with Him the less I feel I even fit in with the rest of the "family". Problems with churches and their ways/doctrines, problems with other "christians", wanting to argue and straighten them out because they just don't get it(ha, right, like I do). All I want at this moment is to serve the Lord. I want to be somewhere where I can just serve the lost sandwiches and actually tell them about Jesus instead of coming up against stubborn, rebellious, know-it-alls like myself, LOLLLLLLLLLL!!! I come here to this forum and can't get away with any of my garbage so I have to behave and I am trying to and truly want to. But my "sin" nature keeps wanting to nuke someone, tell them they are all wrong. Then I start crying because I truly love people and find it hard to swat a fly:cry: Im crying now. I feel guilty because I want to be liked here and get lots of reps!!! LOLLLLLLL!! But it's not funny because it isn't about earning reps from people, it's about pleasing the Lord who is the Only One who truly knows my heart, the good and the bad:mad: Im so spiritual and loving one day and so "not fit" to be amongst humans the next(sometimes moments not days). And yes, my past reaching out to haunt me(satans fave button to push)being 55 and unmarried, which Im sorry but I don't see that as normal. Do I have to be perfect before God will put a christian mate in my life? I look around and wonder why others have helpmates and husbands. Did I sin too much? Well, if some of you didn't know me before you'll know a lot more now. I hear the Lord telling me I need to be quiet, listen to Him and some of the other kids and rest. So Im going to do that now.

a murmuring child of God:( Just looking on my pity party makes me want to gag:rofl:

PS If theres a forum with "padded walls" and a cool, white jacket with really long arms and velcro, maybe some mod will have mercy on me, as well as the rest of you, and move "me" there:help:

Not the "lost sandwiches", serve sandwhiches to the lost:rofl:Im losin it here:lol::help::cry:

[cdo]

Hey sis Denise, No trials at temptations seem to be joyful at the moment.....:(but , when it's over we have learned a valuable lesson and another step to grow closer in our relationship with our Lord. :ppputting more & more faith in Jesus and He increases our faith by His manifestation of His precious love for us all.:hug: This growth is His preparation is needful for His Purpose in His Children. He knows we will fall many times in this journey but, He still reaches down and gives His hand to us.:)
Sis in Christ,Darlene:hug:

[Oregongrown]

Hey sis Denise, No trials at temptations seem to be joyful at the moment.....:(but , when it's over we have learned a valuable lesson and another step to grow closer in our relationship with our Lord. :ppputting more & more faith in Jesus and He increases our faith by His manifestation of His precious love for us all.:hug: This growth is His preparation is needful for His Purpose in His Children. He knows we will fall many times in this journey but, He still reaches down and gives His hand to us.:)
Sis in Christ,Darlene:hug:

I posted this. I mean about posting here, in front of "anybody" men, women, whoever. I thought about hiding it where we chat but I love to meet all sorts of folks and I don't ever want to feel I can't just be transparent with any of Gods kids and even in front of those that aren't. I think of the times when Ive heard people say "don't talk about that" becasue people will rip you apart. I mean topics within the realm of appropriate for general audience:) I know lots of fellers won't get my "tantrum" maybe, maybe some will:) too though:) Im wandering here but I am not much for "groups". Again, groups are good when we have a particular "woman" thing or maybe a particular "ailment" so we can really relate. But I wonder how many christian men and women can't relate to what I've shared.

Anyway, I feel better for having shared a little more of denise. I want people to know me, the good and the bad. I mean I know the only "good" there is of me is God, all glory to Him:) So I guess Im just saying that I want to know lots of folks and them to know me, not to gain friends necessarily but especially to learn from others. And if I get to help or teach someone, well, I pray almost daily for God to use me, to be available for His good purpose.

Love you sis, denise:hug:

[Kahtar]

I spent many years frustrated by the 'church', seeing in them much hypocracy and sin and evil, all the while wearing their 'Christian' masks designed to hide from view all the ugliness hidden beneath, which in truth hides nothing, but rather exemplifes their hypocracy.
All the while I could see many of these same traits within myself, which caused me even more frustration. In short, I was a very frustrated Christian.I finally could not take any more of it, and left the church for a period of years, angry and hurt.
After sitting 'in the wilderness' a while, the Lord began showing me that all those things I was dealing with in myself, and all my shortcomings, He was able to overcome in me, and that in spite of ME, He had not forgotten me or forsaken me, but was entirely able to finish that which He had begun in me.
Then He showed me that the same was true in all those hypocritical, sinful and evil Christians I had become so frustrated with.
He showed me that we all are in the same boat. No one of us is any better, or more holy, than the next, and that from one cleaning the toilets all the way up to the one behind the pulpit. Yes, even HE was just as lost and confused and sinful and naked and depraved as all the rest, because he is, after all, a mere son of Adam.
Each of us, while in spirit are raised up in newness of life, and seated in heavenly places in Christ, nevertheless have both our soul, and our body, our flesh, our carnal man, which each of us are dealing with.
The end result was, I lowered my expectations of those in church, and especially of the one behind the pulpit, or perhaps changed, rather than lowered, my expectations. Now I fully expect all, even the pastor, to be human, the product of fallen Adam, and expect them at some point to fall and fail, and I am no longer alarmed, shocked, dismayed, or defeated, by their failures. And further, I am no longer shocked or defeated (though saddened and sometimes angered) by my own failures.
I am at peace with the fact that my old man must die, that it cannot be improved, or helped, or saved, and with the fact that the same is true in everyone else as well.
Noah is a fine example of all this. He was perfect in his generations, and found to be the only one who still strived to hear and follow God. He was safely brought through judgment and deposited into a new world, all of which is a picture of our regeneration, the judgment and death of our old man, and our being raised up in newness of life, a regenerated person.
But what is the thing Noah does when he exits the ark? After seeing judgment on sin, the devestation of the earth, the death of all but those in the ark, and after receiving blessing and covenant relationship with God, his next act is to get drunk!
Is it not true in each of us? Even though we are regenerated, we nevertheless retain all three parts of us, body, soul, and spirit, and each of those bears fruit, some good, some bad, some indifferent.
In each of us is the seed of not only Shem and Eber, but also of Ham and Nimrod. We produce not only Hebrews, but Assyrians, Egyptians, Godless gentiles, and Babylonians!

Be at peace daughter, and know that God is working in you, and through you, in spite of how it looks or feels. :)

[Oregongrown]

I spent many years frustrated by the 'church', seeing in them much hypocracy and sin and evil, all the while wearing their 'Christian' masks designed to hide from view all the ugliness hidden beneath, which in truth hides nothing, but rather exemplifes their hypocracy.
All the while I could see many of these same traits within myself, which caused me even more frustration. In short, I was a very frustrated Christian.I finally could not take any more of it, and left the church for a period of years, angry and hurt.
After sitting 'in the wilderness' a while, the Lord began showing me that all those things I was dealing with in myself, and all my shortcomings, He was able to overcome in me, and that in spite of ME, He had not forgotten me or forsaken me, but was entirely able to finish that which He had begun in me.
Then He showed me that the same was true in all those hypocritical, sinful and evil Christians I had become so frustrated with.
He showed me that we all are in the same boat. No one of us is any better, or more holy, than the next, and that from one cleaning the toilets all the way up to the one behind the pulpit. Yes, even HE was just as lost and confused and sinful and naked and depraved as all the rest, because he is, after all, a mere son of Adam.
Each of us, while in spirit are raised up in newness of life, and seated in heavenly places in Christ, nevertheless have both our soul, and our body, our flesh, our carnal man, which each of us are dealing with.
The end result was, I lowered my expectations of those in church, and especially of the one behind the pulpit, or perhaps changed, rather than lowered, my expectations. Now I fully expect all, even the pastor, to be human, the product of fallen Adam, and expect them at some point to fall and fail, and I am no longer alarmed, shocked, dismayed, or defeated, by their failures. And further, I am no longer shocked or defeated (though saddened and sometimes angered) by my own failures.
I am at peace with the fact that my old man must die, that it cannot be improved, or helped, or saved, and with the fact that the same is true in everyone else as well.
Noah is a fine example of all this. He was perfect in his generations, and found to be the only one who still strived to hear and follow God. He was safely brought through judgment and deposited into a new world, all of which is a picture of our regeneration, the judgment and death of our old man, and our being raised up in newness of life, a regenerated person.
But what is the thing Noah does when he exits the ark? After seeing judgment on sin, the devestation of the earth, the death of all but those in the ark, and after receiving blessing and covenant relationship with God, his next act is to get drunk!
Is it not true in each of us? Even though we are regenerated, we nevertheless retain all three parts of us, body, soul, and spirit, and each of those bears fruit, some good, some bad, some indifferent.
In each of us is the seed of not only Shem and Eber, but also of Ham and Nimrod. We produce not only Hebrews, but Assyrians, Egyptians, Godless gentiles, and Babylonians!

Be at peace daughter, and know that God is working in you, and through you, in spite of how it looks or feels. :)

To how I feel about God sending His Holy Spirit, through you Kahtar. I loved reading this. My first reaction to the reminder of Noahs "drunk" was how it felt to know all those that died apart from the Lord:cry: Course who knows the reasons from his getting drunk. In my past I drank when I was happy and I drank when I got sad. There's no worldly "high" that comes close to being "high" on God is there:) Love you brother, denise

PS I so enjoyed your websites and your wife is precious. Nothing you don't know already:). I knew that more by the way you spoke of her in your testimony and her outsides match her insides from where Im sittin, God bless you both :hug: Yes, you are precious too;) Yick, womens mushy stuff hey:rofl:

[livingwaters]

Hey there, I know we may not agree with each other lots of times, but are you calling me, (from your quote)stubborn, rebellious, know-it-all? I am JUST picking!!!!! LOL Cause I can be all of those things, as well....

Hang in there, God is working on US!!!!

God Bless!!!:hug:

[Oregongrown]

Hey there, I know we may not agree with each other lots of times, but are you calling me, (from your quote)stubborn, rebellious, know-it-all? I am JUST picking!!!!! LOL Cause I can be all of those things, as well....

Hang in there, God is working on US!!!!

God Bless!!!:hug:

Your name didn't cross my mind:) :rofl:but now that you mention it:lol: Nah, I really wasn't thinking of anyone more than myself. I even want to be on top of the "bad girl" heap, LOL!! Love you, ysic, denise :kiss:

[livingwaters]

You know, I don't think we're supposed to fit in...In fact, I think the bible calls us "peculiar people." LOL

Thanks for sharing.:hug:

[Oregongrown]

You know, I don't think we're supposed to fit in...In fact, I think the bible calls us "peculiar people." LOL

Thanks for sharing.:hug:

and I don't mind as much now about not "fitting" into the "world" since I know Im not supposed to, but that "feeling" of not fitting in with the "Body of Christ" is what hurts. I like how kahtar said it "Be at peace daughter, and know that God is working in you, and through you, in spite of how it looks or feels. :) " Those "feelings" can be good but they can also deceive me;)

God bless, ysic, denise:blush: PS LOL, just saw this icon, thats how my moods are, back and forth:rofl:No wonder I don't have a mate:lol:

[Kahtar]

My wife said one time, after dealing with various situations in the church, that she didn't feel like she 'fit in' well with them.
I asked her how well she fit on the cross.................. :)

[livingwaters]

That's it, kahtar!!!! I'm sure Jesus didn't feel that HE fit in...Even HIS disciples were leary of HIM...one even denied HIM three times...Wow!!!!

Hey, Denise, maybe the LORD is waiting on your "mood swings" to stop before HE sends "Mr. Right." LOL I guess HE's waiting on mine, too, cause I'm 54 and single and I love it...I'm sure I need "my time" w/o a mate, to concentrate on the Lord!!!!I am really content with only, My Lord!!....:pp:lol:

[Oregongrown]

My wife said one time, after dealing with various situations in the church, that she didn't feel like she 'fit in' well with them.
I asked her how well she fit on the cross.................. :)

a very good question, God bless, your sister in Christ, denise:rolleyes:

[Oregongrown]

That's it, kahtar!!!! I'm sure Jesus didn't feel that HE fit in...Even HIS disciples were leary of HIM...one even denied HIM three times...Wow!!!!

Hey, Denise, maybe the LORD is waiting on your "mood swings" to stop before HE sends "Mr. Right." LOL I guess HE's waiting on mine, too, cause I'm 54 and single and I love it...I'm sure I need "my time" w/o a mate, to concentrate on the Lord!!!!I am really content with only, My Lord!!....:pp:lol:

99.9% of the time I am a pretty happy camper too:) Don't want anyone around to mess up my life. I do just fine on my own, LOLLLLLLLL!! Nah, I truly am content in the Lord most of the time:) and I know His will is truly all I desire. Mine didn't serve me too well;)

GB, ysic, denise

[SFASH]

Scream too loud you might just wake up the dead! OK, I'm outta here.

[Oregongrown]

Scream too loud you might just wake up the dead! OK, I'm outta here.

work too well:) but Jesus, the Fisher of men, reeled me right in;)and with the help of His followers:) praise His Holy name:) your sister in Christ, denise:hug: