Depression

[EaglesWINGS911]

When i was 11 is started struggling with depression. I wasn't sure what it was then, but it got worse every year. I felt horribly sad, down, cried nearly every day, felt worthless, unloved, and unhappy. When I was 13 I tried to tell a relative..but all I got was "what? you're too young to be depressed, what do you have to be depressed about?" That made things a lot worse. From then on I knew I couldn't talk to anyone about that, that I would either be laughed at or judged. When I was 14, the Lord helped me overcome this and I have been good for about 2 yrs now with only minor bouts here and there.
Right now though, with 2 job scares and my dad being the only breadwinner, living at home at 18 without a job and trying to get one and get into college, being estranged to several family members because of stupid conflict involving other members, a wedding and move that was suddenly postponed after months of preparation, a fiance dealing with some of his own problems, and a dozen other things going on....it's back and with vengeance.
I have thyroid disease which just aggrevates my already raw emotions, and makes my feel physically other side effects of depression much faster like insomnia, aches, and pains.
I don't have any way to get counseling or medical treatment right now. My parents don't "do" counseling, my mom is against anti-depressants, and my dad I know is gonna freak out if he has to pay for one more prescription.
All of this came to a peak last night, a string of things just triggered a lot of emotion and I broke down and probably sobbed off and on till about 3 this morning. When I woke up after 4 hrs of sleep, I felt like a very dark cloud, almost like a shadow was descending on me. It literally felt like a cold, black, endless darkness...and my mood matched. I was having..well I was having lots of bad thoughts lets just put it that way.
I texted my fiancee something to basically grab his attention..stupid, but I wasnt exactly thinking clearly. He was really alarmed and called me to see what was wrong. After hearing me and knowing what was going on (he knew about my previous bout of depression) he basically pleaded for me to get help. He has been through a lot of suicide prevention courses in the military and he was saying..."the way you have been talking about hating your life, that's a warning that you may be in danger." I assured him that no matter what kind of thoughts were going through my head, I was NOT in any way shape or form going to take my life or hurt myself. And that is totally true. But after taking a self-test on one of the sites dedicated to dealing with depression. My levels of depression are severe enough to pose a warning.
I told my mom this today, and while she was very sweet and caring, she was very skeptical about that test. I don't think she believes in counseling, even Christian counseling, and she is definitely against any kind of anti-depressants.
I am actually scared right now. I have no job, no money, nothing. I don't know what to do if it gets worse and it IS a chemical imbalance..I don't know how I would get treatment. I DO want to get counseling because I need it, and it scares me a little to think about paying for that and paying for insurance and college and other stuff. I am really not happy here because I feel like I am just a pain.
My dad came in and practically shoved a job application to a store in my face and said "the manager is at the store, she will be there till 5 do you want to go or not?" It was almost 4:30 at the time. A thousand things are swimming through my head...for one..I dont have my license yet, i JUST got me permit and LEGALLY I can't drive yet, nor am I insured and they open in two weeks! Not to mention, I'm not ready for my first job interview without even knowing it was going to happen!
He was ticked I could see, that I didn't want to go and made a comment about how I'm always giving excuses. He was being really pushy.
I feel like I have had enough right now. I am so exhausted mentally and physically....I'm an emotional wreck. Nothing seems to be going right and there is stuff constantly being thrown at me.
I don't know what to do....:cry:

[faroutinmt]

I am in no place to offer any advice to you, but I have heard wonderful testimonies regarding two books: Spiritual Depressions by Martin Lloyd Jones, and Trouble of Mind and the Disease of Melancholy by Timothy Rogers. I have heard that many people who struggle with depression have found great help from these books.

Having struggled with depression in my youth, I don't believe mine was purely chemical in nature. Perhaps my depression triggered chemical imbalances, but I know that my depression was rooted in my excessive seeking of happiness in my circumstances. I didn't feel like I belonged, I didn't feel loved, I couldn't do well in school and therefore felt dumb. When I felt as if I was obtaining any of these things my depression began to leave, but when these feelings returned, I became depressed once again. I was depressed because I wasn't getting what I desired more than anything and the feeling that it was hopeless as to ever obtaining them brought about my depression.

I feel that hopelessness is a root of much depression. There is something we want deeply; something we crave intensely- whether circumstances, approval or love from others, the ability to succeed- and when we begin to believe that the possibility of achieving such things is hopeless, we become depressed. I cannot speak of all forms of depression, only some.

[TRL1957]

HISprincess, I know you have situations and stress that is bringing you down. And understandably so. But, what you are describing sounds like a chemical imbalance. If that be the case, you need meds to level out the brain chemicals, maybe some counseling, and of course, prayers.

Meds and counseling is very expensive, but, worth it. Maybe there is a clinic or mental health facility that offers reduced rates based on income, or for free. This helped out my daughter until her insurance kicked in. There are sometimes churches that have pharmacies and offer free counseling.

It hurts me to hear how bad you're hurting. I have been in your shoes. my meds, and prayer have brought me a long way. i will be praying for you

[Soulangel]

:hug::hug:Dear His Princess, There's no doubt about it you need medical treatment immediately, and if you lived in Australia you'd get if for free. I'm sorry I do not know how the system works in The States so I can't tell you how to work the system as an independent young lady who has no money so that you can get help, but surely there is a way for you to get help aside from your parents, someone on this board must know a way for you to get help.

The second, and by no means the least, thing you need is LOVE and huge dollop of loving support and hugs. True loving and support with a genuine listening ear can help to lift your spirit. You will notice that the black cloud you mention literally feels like an oppression of your spirit. At eighteen years of age are you able to belong to a Christian community and begin to receive love and support and upliftment this way. This truly will help you take steps forward because it's done with Gods all conquering love.

I mean no offence to your parents, I'm one myself, but as parents we are not doctors, and it's important that a doctor decides what your physical needs are, it's okay that people have personal opinions about anti depressants however when no one has to walk a mile in someone else's shoes, so that opinion is just that, an opinion. The decision, and need, is between you and our Lord. Only He knows your need at any given time.

Suicidal thoughts can be the scariest, frustrating, most painful, real and desperate things that happen to us right at the tip of the pressure of the crisis point. It's good that you can tell someone, don't be ashamed, yes it's the enemy, and it's important to remember he's just trying to isolate you with every part of the depression. his goal is to see broken and alone, isolated from everyone and everything, so your goal each day needs to be to take steps out into the world that go against this, but take them, one at a time in God's strength.

Just remember, the depression is not who you are, it's an illness, and you will come through it with God's help and with support from people who are filled with LOVE, God's Love.

Bless you lovely lady, in His Holy name ~ Soulangel :hug::pray:

[EaglesWINGS911]

Thanks so much for everyones replies. I am doing somewhat better this evening. I have started to keep a journal..not just a "dear diary today.." but every time I get hit with the feelings of depression..I write down when..what situation triggered..what I felt...how I responded...what the root of that is...did I respond in a right way?
For instance...the issue with my dad...I felt hurt, angry, hopeless and very lonely. I cried, but I didn't yell at him or disrespect him. I thanked him for the help and told him I wasn't ready for a job interview today. Bottom line, in that instance I responded well, dealt with my emotions, and I'm ok now. God has a plan for my life, my time to get a job is coming, God is helping me take steps to greater independence and if my dad is stressed and exasperated with me...that is his issue, not mine, and therefore that situation was not my fault.
On the other hand. My fiance went fishing with a friend all day today. He has worked a lot of OT and we havent had a lot of time to REALLY talk. However, he called me several times today, took time to help me today and called to check on me later on.
Twice I started feeling angry that he was having fun and I wasn't, I felt hurt as if fishing is more important than me (which i know isn't true) and I felt really lonely/missing him, feeling alone. So I cried, made comments randomly about how I hate life,etc. The root of all that was selfishness, because I was thinking of myself instead of being happy he was having a good day. Jealousy..wanting what another has, anger as a result of the latter two emotions, and therefore..depression. In this case I didn't respond well...and I suffered for it as did everyone else.
Hopefully keeping this up will help me identify and respond well. I'm really trying to get educated about depression right now. I have actually just read the first chapter in Spiritual Depression today and I think it will be a big help.

[SFASH]

Hey HISprincess! Yeah, I've got the Thyroid problem also (genetic) and know full well that its no joke. I've learned the difference between my own attitudes and those that are associated with this problem, and to some degree am better able to cope. (am under doctor's care)

I'll sure be praying for you, especially that you get good medical attention, as soon as possible. Thyroid only gets worse, and can seriously affect your blood-pressure and heart-rate. Once they adjust your supplemental needs correctly, the difference is like night and day. This will put you in a better position to address your battle with depression...it solved my Mom's depression altogether. At any rate... hope ya get to feeling better real soon.

[MidnightsPaleGlow]

Depression and Anxiety are issues that have haunted me for almost the last 10 years of my life, beginning when I was 15, and it was largely influenced by being in a negative environment (I was the shy kid who didn't have many friends and was frequently picked on), unfortunately, depression and anxiety have reared their ugly heads on multiple occasions since them, so I have a feel for where you're coming from. I'm also in a job situation that is depressing right now (I'm 24 years old, a college graduate, and am still stuck in a dead-end job that seems impossible to escape, and it has become really frustrating). With that said, I'll be praying for you to get better.

[Soulangel]

Dear HisPrincess, I want to congratulate you and encourage you for keeping your journal and for being so keen to observe yourself, please continue to keep up the fantastic work you are doing. This, with God's help and insight, is the way to break the bondage of oppression of your spirit. I'm so proud of you for having the courage to take a good look at yourself in the mirror and say this is what I did in a healthy way, and this is what I did in an unhealthy way, we all need to do this.

Listen to your thoughts, feel your emotions, know your limits each day, and recognise when the patterns in your behaviour are occurring so you can ask the Lord for help to break them. Yes, read all the information God leads you to about depression, tho' you don't need to overload as God can equip you with what your own particular habits are too if you ask! but certainly know the fundamentals so you can break through the rock that repeats cycles.

Rest is important, just as much as a little exercise too, most important of all don't let satan isolate you from people, he wants you to believe you are alone in the world and you are doing this alone. Keep up the fantastic job you are doing dear lady, God bless you, Soulangel:pray::hug:

[Gospel-Witness]

HISprincess,

Don't be discouraged....there are lots of people out here who can relate. I'm 47 and since I was about 15 I have suffered from severe depression and anxiety issues that require medication to keep me from sinking too low. Not to mention that I am also diabetic, which always seems to affect my mood. But with God's grace I survive very nicely....not in any perfect way, but nice enough that my faith continues to grow and I know that I'm doing the best I can do considering.

Anyway, whenever people try to classify me as weird or lazy or whatever, I just think back to my Lord Jesus. Remember the story of when He and His disciples sailed across the waters to a place where there was a man so inflicted with demons that he could not even be chained? If I remember correctly, he ran around naked and lived in the cemetery.....and I'm sure that the people of that community were very afraid of him and wanted him to go somewhere else. But look at how Jesus dealt with the issue....He went to the man and healed him. He didn't write him off as a "crazy man" or something less than human. Jesus showed compassion and healed the man, and as I recall the man was so happy after that he asked to go with Jesus so he could tell others about the miracle.

The point I'm making is that Jesus loves you, me, and all of those who are afflicted with mental illness....whether it be depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, or whatever....Christ loves us all. And He has provided much help around you in the form of doctors, psychologists, sociologists, etc. So, there is plenty of hope and help! I encourage you to meet Jesus with your problems....He loves you and will show you the way. :hug:

[servantsheart]

When i was 11 is started struggling with depression. I wasn't sure what it was then, but it got worse every year. I felt horribly sad, down, cried nearly every day, felt worthless, unloved, and unhappy. When I was 13 I tried to tell a relative..but all I got was "what? you're too young to be depressed, what do you have to be depressed about?" That made things a lot worse. From then on I knew I couldn't talk to anyone about that, that I would either be laughed at or judged. When I was 14, the Lord helped me overcome this and I have been good for about 2 yrs now with only minor bouts here and there.
Right now though, with 2 job scares and my dad being the only breadwinner, living at home at 18 without a job and trying to get one and get into college, being estranged to several family members because of stupid conflict involving other members, a wedding and move that was suddenly postponed after months of preparation, a fiance dealing with some of his own problems, and a dozen other things going on....it's back and with vengeance.
I have thyroid disease which just aggrevates my already raw emotions, and makes my feel physically other side effects of depression much faster like insomnia, aches, and pains.
I don't have any way to get counseling or medical treatment right now. My parents don't "do" counseling, my mom is against anti-depressants, and my dad I know is gonna freak out if he has to pay for one more prescription.
All of this came to a peak last night, a string of things just triggered a lot of emotion and I broke down and probably sobbed off and on till about 3 this morning. When I woke up after 4 hrs of sleep, I felt like a very dark cloud, almost like a shadow was descending on me. It literally felt like a cold, black, endless darkness...and my mood matched. I was having..well I was having lots of bad thoughts lets just put it that way.
I texted my fiancee something to basically grab his attention..stupid, but I wasnt exactly thinking clearly. He was really alarmed and called me to see what was wrong. After hearing me and knowing what was going on (he knew about my previous bout of depression) he basically pleaded for me to get help. He has been through a lot of suicide prevention courses in the military and he was saying..."the way you have been talking about hating your life, that's a warning that you may be in danger." I assured him that no matter what kind of thoughts were going through my head, I was NOT in any way shape or form going to take my life or hurt myself. And that is totally true. But after taking a self-test on one of the sites dedicated to dealing with depression. My levels of depression are severe enough to pose a warning.
I told my mom this today, and while she was very sweet and caring, she was very skeptical about that test. I don't think she believes in counseling, even Christian counseling, and she is definitely against any kind of anti-depressants.
I am actually scared right now. I have no job, no money, nothing. I don't know what to do if it gets worse and it IS a chemical imbalance..I don't know how I would get treatment. I DO want to get counseling because I need it, and it scares me a little to think about paying for that and paying for insurance and college and other stuff. I am really not happy here because I feel like I am just a pain.
My dad came in and practically shoved a job application to a store in my face and said "the manager is at the store, she will be there till 5 do you want to go or not?" It was almost 4:30 at the time. A thousand things are swimming through my head...for one..I dont have my license yet, i JUST got me permit and LEGALLY I can't drive yet, nor am I insured and they open in two weeks! Not to mention, I'm not ready for my first job interview without even knowing it was going to happen!
He was ticked I could see, that I didn't want to go and made a comment about how I'm always giving excuses. He was being really pushy.
I feel like I have had enough right now. I am so exhausted mentally and physically....I'm an emotional wreck. Nothing seems to be going right and there is stuff constantly being thrown at me.
I don't know what to do....:cry:
Have you accepted Jesus fully into your life? This is important. If you have not then that is the first thing you need to do...ask him into your heart and give up your sins and ask forgiveness. Then begin a serious walk with him. You must always believe you have received for you receive. Pray in the positive and believe in the positive. Stand firm on God's word and remember that Jesus is our great healer...Call on Jesus,...Jesus I pray you will heal her and make her well from head to toe.
If you have thoughts of sucide you must tell your parents or anyone who will listen to you.What about a school counselor from your past high school. If your eighteen then see if you can get some help from the state for your conditon...
Some of the signs for depression: loss of weight, sleep change, sadness, constant fatigue, withdrawl from family or friends, substance abuse, no hope, etc. Join a good bible class...find a good pastor to talk too.
These can all be over come. Jesus love you and so do I and everyone here. Ge help no matter what. Pat

[Rumely]

As Servantsheart mentioned, I would suggest calling your local social services agency - usually associated with the county. If they can't help you directly, they should be able to point you to places that can. If you live in or near a city of any size, there is probably a support group you could go to. Another possibility would be to call the local clinic. Again, if they can't help you directly, they should be able to refer you to someone that can. I don't know your church situation, but most pastors should also be familiar with resources available in their community, or the church may even have its own resources.

[OneofHis777]

First things first, God loves you so much and even though you feel rejected and lonely and like no one knows or cares about what is going on inside of you, God does. The fact that you have come to this forum looking for help from God's people proves that God is concerned with you and your well being. He loves you so much, you, I am not talking about a collective love God has for everyone God loves you personally and you are his little princess and he has numbered the hairs on your head and he has captured everyone of you tears in a bottle and He is taking actions right now in your life to give you a good future. You know he said that in his word. He said I know the thoughts I think toward you they are thoughts of peace not to hurt you but to give you a bright future. God loves you deeply. Problem is you live in a fallen world and you are not wrong to hate this life or this world and the sin in it. Jesus said he who loves his life will lose it. But he who hates his life will find it eternally in Heaven. This world is full of unfairness and pain but you can do all things through Christ who will strengthen you. This trail you are going through want last forever. What you need to do right now in your current situation is not worry about medical treatment Jesus is the physician that heals without hands. Paul said God wants us to have a sound mind and that He hasn't given us a spirit of fear. What I would like for you to try is doing less, thinking less, stop thinking about all your problems, your families problems, God will work them all out in his time I promise. Stop thinking about money and a license and a job. If you are 18 it is time to get a job ask God to get you a great one, and trust him that he will. You can work and go to college, I did my wife has been working and going to school for 5 years in TN where you are at. It can be done. It won't be easy but give you life to Jesus put it all in his hands and be still that means let go and let it all fall apart if God doesn't take over, but He is going to take over. He said be still and know that I am God... I wish you the best

Jesus is the King of All Glory!!!

[servantsheart]

To Hisprincess90~~~Father God says that when two or more come together and pray in His name he hears us and will answer. LOOK at all who have come together here to pray for you! These are people you don't know and yet we stand on faith that God hears us and he has you healed in his timing, from head to toe. We are cheering you onward and upward
:pp:pp:pp
Don't let the evil win. Make the decision to be an over comer. To have the strength and determination to fight the good fight. To tell satan to get behind you and you claim dominion over him as a child of God.
Wanting to be well, giving God your sins and asking his full mercy and grace to be upon you. To receive him inside of your heart as your friend and companion. To turn your life over to God. The you just thank him and praise him.

I am including this scripbute because God brought it to me in 2005 while I was living in HUD housing. He recently brought it back to mind.
When things don't make sense....Jeremiah 6:16 " This is what the Lord says: "Stand at the crossroads and look, ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is and walk in it, and you will find rest for your soul."

I believe that when you follow this verse and follow God that doors will be opened for you (by God) to clarity and discernment of your situations. Both now and in the future. Here is where God's favor will descend upon you and bless you.
Hide yourself in God. Don't take one more minute thinking upon "worldly" matters. It is YOU and FATHER GOD...he is your Father, your Daddy, your Abba, your Husband, your great I AM...and much, much more. He will heal you and bring you to be a new creatrue in Him as soon as you tell him you can't do this by yourself. That you need him to be your Lord and Savior. That you give all of your sins over to him and ask his forgiveness. Thanking Jesus for going to the cross for you. Thanking Him for all that his shed blood bought for you. Saying, Jesus I ask you into my heart right now. I ask that the Holy Spirit will baptise Jesus into me and me into Him. I don't want to spend another day without you, Jesus as my Savior, my Lord and my King. I thank you Jesus for loving me so much that you died for me and that you will write my name in the Lambs Book of Life as soon as I have received you into my heart in this new and special way. Thank you Jesus. I pray this in Christ Jesus' name. Amen

Isaiah 30:21 "Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, This is the way, walk it."
JESUS stood in the gap for us...God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
Psalm 46:1 "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble."
who is God? 2 Cor. 5:6 "God who comforts and refreshes and cheers the depressed and the sinking."
GOD LOVES YOU AND WE DO TOO. Pat

[Sold Out]

I am actually scared right now. I have no job, no money, nothing. I don't know what to do if it gets worse and it IS a chemical imbalance..I don't know how I would get treatment. I DO want to get counseling because I need it, and it scares me a little to think about paying for that and paying for insurance and college and other stuff. I am really not happy here because I feel like I am just a pain.

I don't know what to do....:cry:

You need to get help. My mom went for many years undiagnosed for bi-polar and manic depressive. It permanently damaged her brain. She has true chemical imbalances. If you are old enough to seek treatment on your own, then you need to contact your county MHMR or see if you can find a low-cost facility. If you are near a large city, there is definitely something out there for you that would cost you little or nothing.

Have you ever shared this with a youth pastor or pastor?

[EaglesWINGS911]

I am doing a LOT better this week and I believe it'd due to prayer and to the Father's healing touch. I truly believe in the power of God to overcome any obstacles we might have and he truly has touched my life this week through messages that give me hope and fill me with joy. It hasn't been me just trying to feel better or circumstances getting better, but it has been God helping me each minute to choose right thoughts and attitudes and to help me through all this. I have not allowed myself by the grace of God to sink down into depression this week. I will probably still get medical testing, and possibly go to counseling later on, but for now I am doing good. I've been trying to let things go that bother me so much and not let myself get so bored sometimes, but do some things that are constructive. For one I've been having Bible study and devotions more consistently, I've been journaling and talking to friends on a daily basis. Getting outside, working out, taking supplements (like b vitamins, vitamin d,etc) and taking time to relax and enjoy THIS day. God is truly wonderful! Thanks for all your prayers and advice.

[servantsheart]

Hi! I just wanted to stop by and let you know I am still thinking about you and praying for your full recovery. Thanks for letting everyone know how you are doing. I liked your idea of writing in a journal...sounds like you really know how to put it to use.
In Isaiah 46:10 it says that God will give us the 'end' outcome at the beginning of our situation.
Jesus stood in the gap for us...God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.
Psalm 46:1
I am proud of the way you realize when you might be feeling jealous and getting angry and are able to turn those feelings around. Stay in prayer, play that Christian music LOUD! Sing out and praise our LORD. A very good medicine indeed.
:pp Cheering you on and upward!! Pat