Marriage help please

[new guy]

Hello, I kind of have a long story here that I want to share and seek feedback on. I also desperately need all the prayers I can to save my marriage.

My wife and I are both 25. We started dating when we were 17 and seniors in high school. We then went away to college together and planned to get married. After 4.5 years together I had bought a ring and everything and planned to propose and she ended up breaking up with me. It caught me completely off guard. I had no idea it was coming and couldn't believe it afterwards. She had graduated and I was still in school 4 hours away but was home for the summer. We stayed in contact with each other and I never let go of the hope we would get back together (I later found out from her that she had absolutely no intention of ever getting back together with me but she had stayed in contact because she cared about me and knew I was hurt). Anyways, I went into counseling and talked with her and discovered my problems and why she broke up with me. I had been very controlling and jealous for no reason. I had never been very in tune with her feelings or desires. I knew I loved her but could not express it. With counseling we determined I had some sore of anxiety/obsessive problem that prevented me from treating her the way I wanted to or even realizing that I wasnt treating her right. I was also on an anti-depressant med. When we first broke up I begged God every night to bring us back together. After a few months I realized I was being unrealistic and asked God to bring us back together only IF it was meant to be and would work out, I asked that if not for him to help me move on and meet the right person sometime. Well this happened about the time I was learning about my problems and I shared them with my ex-gf and how I felt I could change. It wasn't much later that she decided she was ready to get back together with me. Things went well and we dated for about a year and decided to get married and buy a home. Well we have now been married for 1.5 years and I slipped back into my old ways without realizing. Greed and obsessing over money, not paying attention to her, being controlling etc. I realized I had problems this time but couldn't control them. Well I came home from work early one day ~6 weeks ago and found my wife parked outback behind our house with a man she works with. They werent doing anything at the time and she claims that this was the second time she had been with him and they had done nothing but kiss. She states that I had driven her so far away with the way I had treated her that she made a decision she wished she wouldnt have. She claims she had been thinking about leaving me for a while but didnt want to hurt me again. Anyways, I forgave her and said I wanted to try to save our marriage. I re-entered couseling and started meds again and now feel like I can treat her right and control my problem. The doctor says as long as I stay on meds I should be able to. She has moved out and we are technically seperated but she still comes by a lot. She also continues to talk on the phone daily to the man she was cheating on me with but claims now she is going to stop so she can think more clearly. She says there is a very small part of her that is considering giving our marriage antoher chance but it is hard because I have driven her so far away and she isn't attract to me or in love with me anymore. She states she still loves me very much and cares a lot about me but doesn't love me like a wife should. We have currently been seperated ~6 weeks. She has seen that I have been acting better since starting the meds again but states part of her feels its an act, part of her is scared I will go back to my old ways if we try again, and part of her just thinks it is too late for her. I have been praying my heart out since this happened for God to save our marriage. Convince her to give us another chance, help me treat her right, and make her fall in love with me again. Well the longer this has went on the harder it has become. I initially really really believed that God would save us but unfortunately I am starting to doubt it now. Even more unfortunately I am starting to doubt my faith in God at all. I can't understand why he brought us back together when I asked to only do so if it was meant to be. The longer this goes on the more I fear we are going to get divorced which challenges my believes all together. Why would he bring us back togther to get divorced or does he even exist/care/help at all. I hate feeling this way and doubting everything and I pray for him to restore my faith and restore my marriage but it is so hard. I struggle everyday to get up to go to work and I cry all the time and wake up several times a night crying out to God and praying. I actually feel like giving up and part of me just doesn't want to be alive any more. I dont think I am going to hurt myself but my wife and her family and the life we had together means the world to me. She gave her herself and her heart to me fully and I hurt her both times. I never meant to hurt her and it kills me to know that none of this would have happened if I would have treated her right or stayed on the medication the first time we broke up and got back together. What do I do? Should I keep counting on God to save us or should I just give up and start trying to get myself ready to move on sicne it will be the hardest thing in the world. I am scared to death to think how I will feel if this doesnt work out. The little faith I have left is the only thing getting me through this. If we divorced I feel like I am losing the love of my life and faith in God at the same time and I just cant handle this. Please help me, pray for me, or give me advice. This is the most painful thing in the world and is just destroying me inside. Please help.

[new guy]

Just an added comment. My wife is not fully a Christian. She does believe in God as a higher being but has not accept Christ as her savior. She did not grow up in real religious family and just has not had a lot of exposure. I hoped before and still do that if our relationship works God will give me the strength and knowlege to share Jesus with her as well.

[Redneck Charger]

Thank you for sharing that with us.. and I pray to Jesus that your marriage will be saved.. I believe if it wasn't to happen.. this would never have happened.. But it did because Jesus wanted the two of you married.. Please Jesus help him with his habits.. He needs to learn to control them, and learn to love and give.. rather then control.. Please Jesus help him, so they can reunite their love and have a happy marriage.. Please Jesus..:pray::pray:

[Frances]

:pray: for wisdom and self-control for you both . . . and that the 'Christian life' your wife witnesses from your behaviour will encourage her to trust Jesus herself . . . so that you will become 'equally yoked'.

[Befaithful]

New Guy I have gone through what you are going through. Seems as though I hear in your msg (correct me if I am wrong) that you are giving the Lord an ultimatum. And blaming him. This is a lie. Stop now.

I just want you to remember He is God. Put Jesus first, then others, then yourself. Emotions will always cyclone through our lives reaping havoc...if they are in control. Let the Spirit of the Lord lead you. When we keep our eyes on Jesus he will work out the details. It may not be in our timing but our timing is many times unrealistic... trust his timing and his will. His will is always the best for everyone.

I am praying for Gods will in your life. Being Christ centered is what balances us...you said your wife is not a christian but you are. With your actions topsy turvey would you want to get back with you right now? I am not saying you are a 100 percent to blame. But you cannot control people nor should you want to.

Pray for the Lords will then thru His silence trust him to bring His best to past for you. Yield your rights. Now I know you do not want to hear this. But I sense a storm brewing if you try to force your way only on the Lord and on this woman.

I pray the Lord will pursue this woman your wife without ceasing. The most powerful thing you can do right now for your marriage is yield your life and your wife and this means your will to the Lord. Entrust it to him.

Do you have a church body or some godly men to counsel with. Get into a church where the Lord can minister healing to you on a regular basis. Let him grow you up to be a mighty man of God.

He is faithful and he is greater then your heart. He knows you both inside out there is nothing that he does not know about you. Nothing. He made you he knows what you need and want. He knows the areas that need healing in you.

And he loves you deeply. Without swaying...HE will never leave you nor forsake you. Do you believe this? Fill your heart and mind with his word. It will transform you.

I am praying for you your medical condition and your heart condition with the Lord. Until you make it right with Jesus you will never be content with her or life. Rest trust believe on the name of the Lord. Run to Jesus and live. He has designed you for greatness you are royalty because of him. Humble yourself in the sight of the Lord and He will lift you up.:hug:

Whatever we think on the most is our God. Remember that if your time is monopolized by what you want or someone you want that is your God. It is called Idoltry.

In Ps 51 David cried out to the Lord to forgive his sins. We also need to forgive those who sin against us and he asked the Lord to cleanse his heart and to renew a right spirit within him. Repent from doing wrong thinking wrong actions....and turn to Jesus. He is so faithful.

Praying for you.

[new guy]

"With your actions topsy turvey would you want to get back with you right now? I am not saying you are a 100 percent to blame. But you cannot control people nor should you want to."
I completely agree with you here and I did not want to try to control my wife or anyone else. I did not want to have my obseviness over money or anything else. I am ashamed of how I acted and did not even realize many of my mistakes until I was on the medicine. I never physically hurt my wife or anything but I did emotionally. I regret this so much and I am very upset with myself because of it. To be honest I probably really don't even deserve another chance with her. However, I love this woman very very much and I want her to be happy and I want what is best for her. I love her family and I am very close to them as well. They do not understand fully what is going on because on the outside our marriage seemed fine but they really do not want to see us get divorced. I feel that her being afraid to upset her family is part of what has kept her from asking for a divorce so far. I am afraid that if we get divorced she will end up in a relationship with this guy that was/is willing to interfere with a marriage. I am afraid she is making bad choices because of my problems. She did this the first time we broke up and ended up sort of dating some guy for ~2 months while we were apart. I think she was in need of something that I was unable to give her so she fell for the first guy that came along and gave it to her. If we get divorced I feel I will truely worry about her for the rest of my life. I also hope and pray that by being with me she can turn to Christ at some point as well. I am trying to get the help I need to control my problems but she feels that it is too late. She isn't ready to make a final decision yet but she has pretty much said she thinks it is too late because she does not love me like a wife should any longer. She still loves me and cares for me but is not attracted to me either because of my actions. This woman and her family mean so much to me. I am so afraid of losing her that just the thought of it makes me seriously afraid that I dont know what I would do if she leaves me.

"Pray for the Lords will then thru His silence trust him to bring His best to past for you. Yield your rights. Now I know you do not want to hear this. But I sense a storm brewing if you try to force your way only on the Lord and on this woman."
I dont fully understand this and this is part of the reason it hurts so much. When she broke up with me the first time I initially begged God to bring us back together and then I finally came to be more sensible and asked him only to bring us together if it was meant to be. Well we got back together and got married and I messed up again. I have been once again begging God for forgiveness and for help with my problem and for bringing us back together one more time and helping me to get it right. This is truely testing my faith because If I believe he brought us back together before but he lets us get divorced now, what does that tell me? I wouldn't think his will would be divorce since we are considered one flesh according to the word. Do you see my confusion? My heart is crying out for my full faith in the Lord to be restored and for my marriage to be restored. And as bad as it sounds I am afraid that if I lose one I am losing the other. I am scared and desperate. I dont know what to do.
Thank you for your prayers and support.

[Ashley274]

Praying for God's will in your relationship :pray:

[livingwaters]

Lord knows the situation at hand....HE IS GOD!!!! Don't ever underestimate HIS love for HIS children..

Because of the Blood of JESUS, if you confess your sins and repent, you will be forgiven....Jesus is Love!!! HIS two commandments to us were: Love thy God with your heart, soul, mind and strength; love your neighbor as yourself....So, let HIM guide you in this situation...

Sounds like you are constantly being reminded of your faults. You are severely beating yourself up about this situation...Granted, I don't know what is really going on, but, the Lord does know....If HE can forgive you, seems like others should be able to, as well. Unfortunately, it doesn't always go the way we want it to go....Just seek HIS wisdom and mercies..God says, whosoever shall ask for wisdom, it will be given liberally. Focus on God...Focus on God...the devil has his hands around your neck, which is totally opposite of how it should be....You, according to God's Word, should have your foot on the devil's neck...Amen!!!!

Read your Bible...If you have a concordance, look up the issues you mentioned that you may be dealing with...it will refer you to some scriptures that may help.

God Bless, and remember, God loves YOU!!!!:hug::pp:)

[Lesa]

WOW.
Please hear me New Guy. Your wife is not GOD. The compassion I hear in your postings should be reserved for HIM an HIM only. Hear my hearts cry to you my beloved. I HAVE BEEN WHERE YOU ARE NOW. I SAID THE SAME THINGS with the exception of the disorders which you suposedly are experiencing. I know you think you love this woman and you very well may love her. But please trust me when I say to you, you need to move her down a notch in your life. BELOW the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Will you please put HIM first in your heart? Your doubts break my heart. You said if HE had not have wanted you two together why did she come back? WHERE was HE when you met her?
Are you saved? IF you are and if you were when you two met then did you ignore the part in the scriptures about being unevenly yoked? Or maybe you thought that your love for God was strong enough to overcome that scripture? Regardless, I need you to hear my heart, place HIM first, get to yourself and open your heart tell HIM that with or WITHOUT her in your life YOU ARE HIS!!!! and just as HE promised that HE would not forsake you..don't forsake HIM. Don't you realize you maybe I repeat MAYBE being tested? Where is your faith? In her or in HIM?
GET HER out of your mind for now. GET HIM in completely. He wants your undivided attention focus on our Father and the price that HE paid for you. Trust HIM that whether she comes back into your life OR NOT that HE will see you through. Please know I speak only from MY own experience. I am free in Christ and HE sees to my every need. I learned to cleave to HIM and even though trials come into my life HE has always brought me through. Not in my time...IN HIS and I trust HIM that even when it don't work out the way I wanted it works out for the VERY BEST because its His way. Have faith in HIM. People will disapoint you, people will hurt you. He is the ONLY sure thing. LEAN ON HIM.
I pray for your healing please lean on these scriptures speak them in your life and BELIEVE ON THEM every time you start to think on the other things repeat these to your self and out loud.
Phillipians 4:6,13,19
Hebrews 13:5
Luke 4:18
Isaiah 61:1

much love to you

[new guy]

Well we seem to be still in the same situation. Although she has moved more stuff out of our house and into her friends. I am so upset. I continue to pray for God to help me through this and for him to bring us back together. I feel so close to her that I feel like I am losing a part of myself. Like the bible says "one flesh" I truely feel like we have became one and I am being ripped apart by this. A few other issues that goes along with this and makes it so hard that I didn't mention before. I am very very close to her family. I grew up with a single mom and an verbally abusing live in boyfriend with drugs and whatever else constantly around. I was very put off by it and managed to avoid drugs and got myself through college and a Masters degree. Since we have been together and especially since we were married and bought a home together her dad has been more of a dad to me then I have ever had. He has taught me so much. Her family means the world to me including her mom and dad, her sisters, and our nieces. It hurts enough thinking about losing my wife but to lose a family that is closer to me in many ways then my own is devastating. In addition my wife works ~1 mile down the road from our house so I would have to drive past her every day, we have a barn and horse stalls, and fence that I built for her and her horses that I have to look at every day. All of this just kills me. Also, I have never had much self confidence so the fact that I am losing my wife (possibly to another guy) just ruins that even more. I've worked hard all my life and avoided lots of oppurtunities to get in bad situations and tried to be a good person and make something of myself. I thought I finally had. I have a great wife, a great job, a great home, and a great family-in-laws. Now I feel like I am about to lose my wife and my family which means the job and the home I bought for the two of us doesn't mean much to me anymore. Ever since being a kid I always wanted most out of my life was a good wife and a family. I had the perfect oppurtunity for that but my controlling nature and obsessiveness which came about likely from that athmosphere I was raised in is threating to ruin it all. It's not just that I value my wife herself so highly but I value love, family, and the bond of marriage that we made to each other, our families, and God. I feel my actions have caused her to act in ways she never would have either as she is making odd choices and avoiding her family now as well. She needs Gods help as well. Some good things have came about since this seperation, I have reconcilled with my mom (the boyfriend is gone), I have learned about my relationship problems and I am working on them with counseling and meds, I think I had lost tough with God and I am trying to reconnect. So it seems there was definately a reason for the seperation but I don't understand and can't bare the though of us not getting back together and being with each other forever. Please keep praying for me. I continue to cry day and night and every day seems harder. I don't know how I'll live if I lose all of this.

[doug3]

Don't give up!

:pray:.....................................

[new guy]

Please continue to pray for me and my wife. The situation remains the same except I am feeling worse all the time and I don't have any idea how she is feeling. I have began to have thoughts that I should not be having. I cry out to God day in and day out for some sort of relief from this pain, for guidance, for wisdom, for patience or just some sort of help for me and my wife. However, I continue to feel worse almsot daily. I have contemplated thoughts that I shouldn't be having so I can get away from this pain and the pain it is causing my wife. She needs help to. She trys to hide things from the outside but in my personal interactions with her I feel she is a mess and it is making me worse. She does not want to talk to anyone about the situation still except for her 2 single friends. She avoids the situation with her mom and dad and family and apparently up until this weekend she had led them to believe things were getting better between us. They thought she was staying here. They know nothing about the other guy and do not really know much except that Julie was unhappy and we had problems that I am trying to work on. When around my wife she will say things that are mean and hateful and make it sound like there is absolutely no chance that we will work things out and that she doesnt even want to try. But despite this, almost all of her stuff is still here, she hasn't told her family or anyone else and keeps saying she hasnt made a final decision. Other times she will say things that are kind and gentle and make it seem like we actually have a chance and that she wants it to work. My anxiety problem is bad enough but it is being pushed to the edges with these mixed signals I am getting. It is very unlike her and I am not sure what is going through her mind and she gets mad if I try to talk about it now. So I have to try to avoid the subject and make her feel happy around me. I don't know how to approach her I dont know what to think. Part of me feels like she already made up her mind but isn't brave enough to tell her family yet and that she still needs a place for her stuff and part of me feels that no matter how well she hides it she is a mess inside and doesn't know what the heck to do. My heart keeps telling me that we need to work this out and that our relationship can be better and stronger then ever and that God can help me show her to the Lord Jesus. But with the way things are going I just don't trust my heart because it is punishing me. I so greatly desire to feel God's presence in my life, to be able to trust that he is there and that he cares. But it feels like I am getting no response and it is just hard not to question everything at this point. I do not think there is anything else in the world that could have happened that would bring me down to this point. I am losing so much if I lose my wife and her family. She is the only woman I have ever kissed, touched, or loved and I don't want to love anyone else and don't think I can. I have always greatly desired to have a family and we had the perfect situation here and now it seems like it is dissapearing. I am afraid that I care about her so much I would never be able to get over her and would never be able to trust anyone else with my heart anyways. It makes me wish I would wake up dead sometimes my pain, her pain, the craizness of the whole situation, not having any idea how to handle it, what to do or how to convince her to get help. I tried to talk her into counseling and she refuses. Like I said she doesn't want to talk about it at all. And no matter how much I pray for her, myself, out relationship or anything else it just continues to feel like I am talking to myself. What do I do? How do I get through this? How do I get God to answer me or help me with something. If nothing else I just need help with the patience to get through this. Every day is a stuggle. I have to go to the bathroom at work and hide to cry multiple times a day. Every minute of every day is mental and emotional agony. Please pray for us. Please.

[Redneck Charger]

Don't give up..and we are praying with you!!:pray:

[phares]

hey there, i know the feeling of confusion and doubt, ...especially when you think your going the right way and the evil one throws obstacles in your way...i know what it is to hurt and want to give up...and sometimes the only thing that keeps me going is taking it one day at a time... i may be confused and hurting real bad, but from where im at, i cant see the "big" picture yet...but G*d can...and though i may feel so weak, it is at this time i must rely on His stregth- to carry me til i can at least crawl and one day walk... when it gets hard i like to read psalms or go on you tube and look up some inspirational music...and get a good cry out...the things we go through sometimes come with the territory, we can become targets for the enemy...but continue to pray and read if you can find the time, even music helps...im sure u know how many people in the bible suffered, especially Christ, --i can read about it and bond with them...draw a little strength from it...try to put it in G*ds hands and when it gets rough pray and say i know He wont put more on me than i can bear, have mercy in Jesus name...relief should come and bring you through another day, and then another til you can start to stand again....i hope at least something in all my rambling helps, i'll :pray:... peace and G*d bless

[turtledove]

Moved this thread to the Counseling section for more counseling as is being given. Posters will be redirected automatically.

[Jude]

http://i171.photobucket.com/albums/u298/hogndog/index-1.gif

We don't think the way the Lord thinks, He is more important right now not you not your wife "Him". I've been married close to 25 years and during that time I've learned when "He's" happy your happy and when your happy your wife will be happy. Livingwater said it put "Him" first any sin in your life lose it, your life will indeed change. I don't mean give "Him" part of your attention give "Him" your full attention and your wife will see and know there is a God in heaven.

Jude

http://i171.photobucket.com/albums/u298/hogndog/twocents.gif

[Lesa]

New Guy Beloved of Christ:

You touch my heart so much. Please let me share with you. I was married for 10 years to what I thought was an absolute awesome person.
We hardly ever fought. We done special things for each other ..he would bring me coffee in the mornings and kiss me on my forehead, we would snuggle every weekend because when I would start to get up he would say "come here and lay on my chest and let me hold you for just a little bit" He would want something (anything) and I would run get it. When he said his head hurt or back hurt I would run and get his medicene. I would pack his lunch and put in sweet nothing notes.
I would cook all his meals and he never had to ask me to wash clothes or dishes because we respected each other and he done the man things and I done the woman things.
His family loved me, his mom and I were so close that we actually bought each other the same towels once for christmas and laughed because we knew each other so well.
All of his friends loved me because when they would come over I would wait on them hand and foot in order to make them feel comfortable just so it would make him happy. And he like wise done things just to make me happy. Every holiday he would give me such heartwarming cards that he would personally write deep love notes on. We worked so well together. He called me all the time just to say I love you.
Now this was still after 9 years of marriage we were still doing these things for one another. Now I really thought we had it made.
Then one day he came home and said I am seeing someone else and he left for a little while maybe an hour and then he called back and said can I come home and I said I sure wish you would. Well he did, he came home and held me and our son and he cried and said "I can't believe I almost lost every thing I'm so sorry so very sorry"
Two days passed. And he got up, fixed my coffee, kissed my forehead and said I am leaving. I said but I thought you didn't want to leave and his words will never leave my mind "People change". He hugged me and left. His son got up and said where's dad (they were, we all were very close) and I said he's not here son and then he said so whens he coming back.....and all I could say was I don't think he is coming back.
We were both crushed completely, totally undeniably crushed. Four months passed and he still hadn't came to get his clothes or any of his stuff very personal stuff. After two years he finally got all his things.
There is so much more to this story then I can write here but what I wanted to get across to you is I have been there, I have hurt like you are hurting I have been confused like you say you are I was hopeful ,I was MISERABLE. Mixed up, sad, lonely, afraid, angry.
I want so much to help you from wasting as much mourning time as I wasted. One day I decided I couldn't fight for it no more. I decided someone bigger than me had to take over.
My precious one I can promise you if Our Heavenly Father wants you two together IT WILL BE DONE. But HE is not going to force you and sweet one He is not going to force her. You wouldn't want that any way.
You are so full of emotion I feel your hurt from where I am.
My situation happened four years ago. Guess what sweet one.. I MADE IT.
And so will you if you open your heart and let Jesus do his job please.

Isaiah 61:1The Spirit of the Lord GOD [is] upon me; because the LORD hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to [them that are] bound;

Luk 4:18 (http://www.blueletterbible.org/kjv/Luk/Luk004.html#18) The Spirit of the Lord [is] upon me, because he hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised,

If you have handed the situation over to HIM then let HIM take care of it. Trust in HIM that what ever happens...since you gave it to HIM TRUST that HE will take care of the situation. Take your hands, mind and heart from it and let HIM take over.

Matthew 28:18.And Jesus came and spake unto them, saying, All power is given unto me in heaven and in earth

Most of the time we tend to hold on and worry and then we jump ahead and try to do things ourselves. Thats not how we need to do it. Hand it to HIM then whenever it comes back to your mind and heart TURN you thoughts and feelings over to HIM and say to your self. I have cast this on Jesus and YOU are taking care of it because YOU care for ME

1 Peter 5:7 Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.

Remember when someone trusts you enough to let you do something how much you appreciate them trusting you with it. Well with HIM it is totally secure. We are only human HE has the authority that Our Heavenly Father gave specificly to HIM HE will handle it. Please trust HIM.

John 3:35 The Father loveth the Son, and hath given all things into his hand.

Much love to you

[Evangelist Smith]

You know brother I just cant see it all being you..Before you were even married this woman was not honest with you in telling you that she had no intentions of marrying you..

And before the dust can even settle here in your marriage she is with another man..But remember she is innocent and you are GUILTY

Hmmmmmm whats wrong with this picture

Brother what you need to be concerned about is her soul and where she will spend eternity if she chooses to die in her sins

Prayer for her salvation and commit this wife to the Lord in this marriage

and put your faith in God not in her and what she wants to do or not do

and get on with serving the Lord

I realize that you are hurting. I realize that..but brother you need to see the entire picture here

as far as you are concerned no one is to blame but you

and that isnt what I see

it takes two people to make a marriage and two to break it

TWO

NOT ONE

And from what I have gathered about her actions from your posts, she is wishy washy

not trustworthy

yet she points the finger at you, it all you

that dont wash with me brother

from what i see she wants an excuse to sin

wants it and she is doing it

brother u need to pick yourself up out of the dirt where the devil has gotten u and dust yourself off and go on living for the Lord and let God take care of her and this marriage

you cannot make her care
you cannot make her want a marriage that she doesnt seem to care about herself

you cant

and God wont make this woman or anyone else do right

we each have a choice here on this earth
we can choose to do good or evil
we can choose wisdom or folly
obedience or disobedience

WE EACH HAVE A CHOICE

Now brother what is yours?

Do you love the Lord?

Do you desire to serve Him?

If you do then get busy,because Im here to tell you my friend time is short and we have no time to lie in the dirt and give up on GOD

TIME IS SHORT and if we wish to serve the Lord we best be getting busy at it..

yes we had amen

please get in the Word of God, get in Church

surrender all of your heart and life to the Lord and get about living for Him my brother

press on for the glory of God

press on brother, press on

fight that good fight of faith
fight it until the last breath

in Christ' Service
Evangelist dare

[new guy]

Update on the situation. A little over three months into the situation with no resolution. She is staying at her friends still and visits with me 3 or4 days per week. When around there is no intamcy beyond a hug. She also admits to talking to the other guy on the phone every day still. She says she is not seeing him though except at work. She seems very mixed up and confused and says she don't know what to do. But she won't see a counsler and continues to try to nhide the situation from her family. I really want to stay married but it is getting very hard to stay patient ESP knowing she isstill talking to him. Please pray for all of us and for god to help us both and hopefully save our maariage. Any further advise still appreciated. Thankyou.

[ph33r]

Update on the situation. A little over three months into the situation with no resolution. She is staying at her friends still and visits with me 3 or4 days per week. When around there is no intamcy beyond a hug. She also admits to talking to the other guy on the phone every day still. She says she is not seeing him though except at work. She seems very mixed up and confused and says she don't know what to do. But she won't see a counsler and continues to try to nhide the situation from her family. I really want to stay married but it is getting very hard to stay patient ESP knowing she isstill talking to him. Please pray for all of us and for god to help us both and hopefully save our maariage. Any further advise still appreciated. Thankyou.


GO TO THE COUNSLER,
Even if she won't get a good counsler and go, if anything you will better your relationship with God. Also, you need to make up your mind to either be 100% or not. I cheated on my wife and left her and she kept trying and praying and I came back. Although I cannot promise things will workout, I can promise if you give up they won't workout. What issues specifically do you deal with? My heart hurts with the thought of anyone splitting up. It is going to be especially hard because your wife isnt a believer. I strongly suggest buying the book the power of the praying husband. If you PM me I can send you my copy. Just do not give up, love your wife the way Jesus loved the church, and pray allot it all you can do.

[new guy]

I have been going to a counsler myself for about 2 months now. I wish she would go. As far as the relationship goes I really really really want it to work and I in no way want a divorce. It is absolutely the last thing I want to lose her and her family. What I meant by it was getting hard to be patient was not that I didn't want it to work but the longer this goes on the harder I find it to believe that it will work. Also the fact that she continues to talk to him daily despite saying she is consider all her options and thinking about coming home upsets me greatly and makes it hard for me not to start having my feelings change for her. I feel like she is essentially trying to chose between me and him. I know I made mistakes that led to all this though and I know I love her and want this to work so I am trying to be patient despite what I believe to be continued huge mistakes on her part. I really really wish she would stop talking to him outside of when she has to at work. I think it would help her to be able to think more clearly and make up her mind about what she wants to do (and hopefully that is come home to me). At times I get so mad because I feel like she has already made up her mind to get a divorce but she is dragging this on so she can "have the best of both worlds". Stay somewhere else and see him but also hide everything from her family, be able to come by the house whenever she wants, benefit from my insurance etc, and have a place for her stuff. However, I think this is just my anxiety talking because in my heart I feel she is honestly confused and needs help from a counsler which she refuses and God most of all whom I hope will help her. I feel bad like I am being attacked because there are times my mind swears up and down she is lying to me and she is seeing him and being with him and wants a divorce and I get so upset and yell, scream, cuss, and cry (never at her or when she is around) either by myself of on the phone with my mother. However, I have calmly expressed my concerns to her and she seems very heartfelt when she tells me that she doesn't know what she wants to do. Thats why my heart believes her. However, I believe she is more mixed up then she realizes or wants to admit. She says she thinks she might want a divorce and she hasn't lived here in 2 months but she comes by every day and continues to lead her parents/family to believe she is staying here and asks me to help her hide it. Likewise I think I just hurt her so much by my actions (being controlling and not be there emotionally) that the first guy that came along and was sweet to her and decent looking that she fell for him. She works in a very small buisness and I don't know how she thinks a real relationship with him could work when she works with him. Also the fact that she is considering leaving me after we have been together for 8 years. I also feel that she is afraid that if we get back together and it doesn't work she will have lost her chance with him. I know she has had self esteem problems so having someone else be attracted to her makes her feel good. I am 99% sure though if we would have went through a seperation and I would have got the help I am getting for my problems and there wasn't another guy involved she would want to come home and at least try to make it work. But instead she cant even decide if she wants to come TRY to make it work. Im not asking that she has to stay forever I just want her to move home and TRY. Please continue to pray for both of us. Pray for wisdom and strength for her to make the right decision and to let go of her adultrous relationship. Pray for me to be patient with her and for help with my anxiety (it is much improved since counseling and medication but somedays like I said it feels like my brain is under attack and trying to make me go off on her and run out and get a divorce myself. When I calm I dont feel like this. I totally believe her and just want to help her. Anyways please keep the advice and prayers coming. We both need it greatly. By the way as far as her not being a non-believer. I don't think this is as acurate and saying she is just not saved. We never really had much religious discussion before this seperation because I knew she wasn't saved and didn't feel comfortable talking to her about it. But since this has been going on the topic of God has came up a few times including her talking some about revelation and being afraid at times that the recent happenings are a sign of the end coming. I was suprised that she knew what she did and found out an older man that she also works with had been sharing some information with her. I know she believes in God and she believed all of the stuff about revelation. I just don't think she has accepted Jesus because she hasn't had the exposure. I hope and pray that if we get back together that I will have the oppurtunity to expose her to it and I feel now that there is a better chance then ever of that happening if God will bring us back together. Please help. Thank you all again.

[Sonia Smit]

Hi New Guy,

First of all I want to tell you that I :pray: that God answers you very soon - but still in His time...

Secondly, I think your wife is manipulating your emotions. I know that you are undergoing severe counselling (I could figure that from your thread), and that you are getting the help you should. Just one quick question, the counsellor, is it a Christian counsellor or just a normal counsellor you are seeing? I think having a Christian counsellor helps a lot because they understand the spirit world more...

I know that you love her and that you would love for her to move back home with you (where she belongs by the way), but I think you need to be more strict with her - not in the sense of driving her even further away, but starting to show her that her emotional play does not affect you any more (ask your counsellor about helping you manage this).

She is also lying to herself, her family, to you and probably to the guy she is talking to (the one she cheated on), which does not make her a reliable person. How is your relationship with her family - specifically her parents?

I really do pray that things come right for both of you - and please never loose faith in God even if it is hard - trust me there where you can't walk anymore, Jesus is carrying you through it!

:hug:

PS - I believe every situation has 3 sides: your side, her side and the truth, and truth always previal!

[new guy]

Thanks for the replies. The counsler I am seeing is technically a nonchristian counsler as I am going where required by my insurance. However she herself is a christian and some religious stuff has came up at times. I do think it has been very helpful. As far as the emotional distress, I dont think my wife is doing it intentionally and I know she feels bad about it. I can tell when we talk about it. She is just very confused and it is obvious. I wish I could do something to help her but nothing I have tried has helped. I am very close with her parents and wish I could tell them everything but I am trying to respect my wifes wishes. They like me a lot and if they knew what was going on they would most likely be putting a lot of pressure on my wife to come home and make it work while she feels like she needs time to herself to think and that she needs to make her own decision. She knows what her family's decision would be. So while I wish I could tell them, I understand where she is coming from and it makes since to a point. However, I feel bad hiding the situation from them but I countinue to just not bring it up. If they were to bring it up and ask me about it however, I dont think I could lie. Anyways from talking to my wife I know she is a mess emotionally and that she just doesn't know what to do. She actually seems to be being very honest with me lately about her feelings. Which she says she really doesnt fully know how she feels. So at this point I feel like the only option I have is to sit around and wait. I wish I could do something to help her but dont know what else to do but be there for her and spend time together when she is willing. Although sometimes when she is around I find it hard not to question her about her feelings and the situation or to get emotional even though she has asked me not to talk about it all the time and the counsler had advised my not to talk about it as much. I am doing somewhat better but it is still hard. We both need God's help greatly both indvidually and as a couple and I am praying constantly day and night for his assistance for both of us and all of us involved (our families and the other guy as well). I really hope he comes through but my faith is definately being tested as it probably wasnt all that strong to begin with. Please keep the comments, advice, and encouragement coming as it does seem to help me cope, feel better, and maintain my faith when I hear from you guys about things and I dont have a lot of people I can talk to about it.

[Sonia Smit]

Having a Christian Counsellor is great! I was just wondering cause it helps when your counsellor is Christian and she knows where you are coming from. It is a shame that you could not discuss this with her parents, but sooner or later they are going to find out. It makes sense that they will put pressure on her, but when it comes out you need to be prepared and it is important that you don't lie about anything.

You are both on an emotional ride, it is just very important that you try and stay calm around her. Don't push her too much, the greatest advice someone can give you (Love your counsellor!) I know because I'm a woman also, we have this tendancy of drifting further away when a man pushes and tries to hard (don't know why?).

For the other man in your relationship. Pray that God break the hold that he has on both of you. Remember, Satan knows our strong and weak points and he loves playing with our weak points by putting obsticles in our way. Pray that God help you to remove this obsticle and break the bondages in Jesus Name.

Remember nothing happens if we try to fix things in our way and in our time. God has His own way and His own time and maybe she needs to learn a lesson or you do, I won't know, but God never tests us above our abilities and He always gives and answer. Sometimes we like the answer and sometimes we don't, it's our choise what we do with the answers we get.

I told you before, there where you can't walk anymore, Jesus is carrying you, please don't give up in hoping, praying and hanging on to the Lord's love, because if we don't have love, we have nothing, and believe me you are loved by Jesus Christ the Son of our only God!

:hug:

[thekels9]

Praise God for your stand!!! You must realize that that is what you are doing. You are standing in the gap for your spouse. Listen to me very carefully.

1. Your feelings of shame, of despair, of every negative feeling. They are from Satan. God gives us the fruit of the spirit, which include no bad thing.

2. Your spouse is currently like the prodigal son. Make Luke 15 your own. Read it over and over again! Be that father that is patiently waiting, looking for his son to come home. Understand that your spouse is currently in the Far Country, and she is going to have to also go through the pig pen of life as well. You must be prepared!

3. Do not believe in the lies that even Christians may tell you (about how good their life was after divorce, how you are being mistreated so you should divorce, you've got spiritual grounds for divorce). God gave you permission to divorce your spouse because of them being unfaithful, but God did NOT say that you MUST take that option. You can take the higher road of praying for the healing of your marriage! There are way too many divorce care groups in churches, and not near enough Marriage Reconciliation classes!

4. This is not just an issue about your marriage. It is an issue of spiritual warfare. Satan got ahold of your marriage. Because Satan hates marriages, he hates families! God hates divorce!! And now, Satan is still working on your spouse, keeping them in contact with the other person and doing other things as well. But believe me, God believes in marriage! God wants marriage! You said at one point that you believe you are one flesh - and you ARE!! That's why it hurts so bad, because it is truly like death. The ripping apart of flesh.

5. The MAJOR issue at hand is not that your marriage be saved, but that your spouse comes to know the Lord. That MUST be your number one prayer. I know all of the hog wash about people having free will, therefore there is always the chance of her not coming to God or back to you. But I say to those people that MY God has a million different ways of getting our attention so that we may come to God.

6. Dealing with the other man....begin praying that if that man is married, he will go back to his spouse as well. Read Hosea 2:6-7. Pray this verse over your spouse - that God will bind her in with thornbushes, that she will not be able to move to the left or the right and her other lovers will not be interested anymore. So that she will come to her senses and realize that she was better off with you. An adulterers ways are hither tither. She will grow weary of it.

7. Get the book Fireproof, go watch the movie. Don't fill your mind with sad songs (example: if you listen to country music, don't do it!) but listen to music that is praising God. Develop a quiet time. Read books and become wise in your marriage. Let God heal you from the inside out, so that when your spouse sees you, she will wonder what has so deeply changed in you. Go to www.rejoiceministries.org and begin getting the daily devotionals. Make that website your haven!

And...if you want to know how I know how to do all of these things.....it is because I too am a stander. Next week will be 4 months since I have been separated. I have been standing for 3.5 months. I have my days of discouragement, but let me tell you: God has changed MY life and regardless of what happens in my marriage (although I DO believe it will be healed!) my relationship with God is more beautiful than anything even my marriage could give me.

And never forget, your covenant means something. It means something to you. It means something to other standers. And it means something to God. God will fulfill his promises for you, even in an "impossible" marriage. Keep standing. Don't give up.

[new guy]

Thanks for the continued support and advice. I hope everything works out for your marriage as well and that you can continue to be strong. It is very very hard and I wish none of us ever had to be in this position. There are way too many divorces now days and too many people feel that it is ok to just run out and get one when your not happy without putting any work into. Anways, we had our 2nd anniversary on Sunday. It started off as a good weekend and ended sort of rough. Friday night we went out of town to a dinner theatre and stayed in a hotel and came back Saturday. We both seemed to have a very good time, got along very well, and it was even a little romantic. However there was no further intamcy. She said she had a real good time but went back to her friends to stay on Saturday night. She came over Sunday afternoon for our anniverary and we hung out at her parents for a bit them came home and made/ate dinner together which all went well. But at some point we started talking about the situation and she ended up saying that year she had a good time and she still loves me but she is not close to being ready to move home because it felt more like she has been hanging out with a close friend then a husband and she still doesnt have intimate feelings for me like she should. (there has been no sex or kissing since this started although we do hug most times and occassionaly lay on the couch and cuddle). Despite saying she felt I was more like just a friend she said she still wasnt sure if she wanted to get a divorce or not. I tried to talk to her that a marriage should be built on love and a close friendship that we have and that the other feelings can come and go in a long term relationship. She has said in the past that she couldnt come home unless her feelings for me changed but I stated that unless she convinces herself that she is going to give it a chance and stop talking to the other guy and actually let herself try her feelings are never going to change. She said she understood and seemed to agree but also said she didnt know what to do and she wished none of this would ever have happened and she felt terrible for putting me through all this. She also said I have been great lately and have been acting in general and treating her the way she wanted me to all along but she thinks it maybe too late now and that she needed all of that a long time ago. We ended up hugging and both crying for a good 10-15 minutes after the convo and then crying again before she left for the evening saying "I wish it would have been a happy anniversary". Anyways it is appearent she still really cares about me and that she is afraid to get a divorce but I think the fact that she has feelings for someone else and doesn't think she feels like she should about me is holding her back and she cant let go and try. I just dont know what to do anymore. I am trying so hard and praying so hard but things still seem to be at a stand still and I still seem empty inside and like I am being torn apart. I also feel very distant from God and although I am praying multiple times every day and night I feel like I am talking to myself sometimes. I pray for him to be close to be and for me to be able to feel him and trust him but I still continue to feel pain and emptiness. Please continue to pray for my wife and and. Pray God to give her the feelings she thinks she needs to come home and then hopefully she will make the choice to follow through on it. I continue to pray for her salvation but mine as well since I feel my faith is very weak lately. 14 weeks so far and it still hurts so bad every day. All advice and encouragement is greatly appreciated. Thanks and God bless.

[thekels9]

Wow, I am so glad to hear that she was willing to spend your anniversary together!! Take that as an answer from God and praise him for it!!

I strongly suggest once again that you let rejoiceministries.org become a part of your daily walk with Christ. It is so uplifting. One thing that was said in a devotional was that MANY times, God will put you in the position of being a friend to your spouse. And not to get discouraged about that....that God is still working in that.

And I know this part is hard. But when she does come home, there is a possibility that she will not be completely over this guy. You will need to give it time (some say it will take over a year possibly). But know that God catches the fish, brings it home, and then he cleans it. Our spouses may come back home before they are all "fixed" but God is still at work.

Do not be discouraged my friend. God would not let you be going through this if you weren't strong enough.

[new guy]

Thanks for the encouragement and the info about rejoice ministries. I got a look at the daily and weekly devotionals today and they were very encouraging. I would recommend the site to anyone sale gong through what we are. Thanks again to everyone.

[thekels9]

Thanks for the encouragement and the info about rejoice ministries. I got a look at the daily and weekly devotionals today and they were very encouraging. I would recommend the site to anyone sale gong through what we are. Thanks again to everyone.


No problem! Tuesday's and Saturday's devotionals are my favorites! Saturday's are always testimonies from people that are going through the same things we are!!

Keep standing brother!!!