Marriage help please/moved to Counseling

[new guy]

I posted this is the prayer request forum but then read it is for prayers only and not for advice. Since I am seeking both I decied to repost here. Forgive me if I am violating any posting rules.

Hello, I kind of have a long story here that I want to share and seek feedback on. I also desperately need all the prayers I can to save my marriage.

My wife and I are both 25. We started dating when we were 17 and seniors in high school. We then went away to college together and planned to get married. After 4.5 years together I had bought a ring and everything and planned to propose and she ended up breaking up with me. It caught me completely off guard. I had no idea it was coming and couldn't believe it afterwards. She had graduated and I was still in school 4 hours away but was home for the summer. We stayed in contact with each other and I never let go of the hope we would get back together (I later found out from her that she had absolutely no intention of ever getting back together with me but she had stayed in contact because she cared about me and knew I was hurt). Anyways, I went into counseling and talked with her and discovered my problems and why she broke up with me. I had been very controlling and jealous for no reason. I had never been very in tune with her feelings or desires. I knew I loved her but could not express it. With counseling we determined I had some sore of anxiety/obsessive problem that prevented me from treating her the way I wanted to or even realizing that I wasnt treating her right. I was also on an anti-depressant med. When we first broke up I begged God every night to bring us back together. After a few months I realized I was being unrealistic and asked God to bring us back together only IF it was meant to be and would work out, I asked that if not for him to help me move on and meet the right person sometime. Well this happened about the time I was learning about my problems and I shared them with my ex-gf and how I felt I could change. It wasn't much later that she decided she was ready to get back together with me. Things went well and we dated for about a year and decided to get married and buy a home. Well we have now been married for 1.5 years and I slipped back into my old ways without realizing. Greed and obsessing over money, not paying attention to her, being controlling etc. I realized I had problems this time but couldn't control them. Well I came home from work early one day ~6 weeks ago and found my wife parked outback behind our house with a man she works with. They werent doing anything at the time and she claims that this was the second time she had been with him and they had done nothing but kiss. She states that I had driven her so far away with the way I had treated her that she made a decision she wished she wouldnt have. She claims she had been thinking about leaving me for a while but didnt want to hurt me again. Anyways, I forgave her and said I wanted to try to save our marriage. I re-entered couseling and started meds again and now feel like I can treat her right and control my problem. The doctor says as long as I stay on meds I should be able to. She has moved out and we are technically seperated but she still comes by a lot. She also continues to talk on the phone daily to the man she was cheating on me with but claims now she is going to stop so she can think more clearly. She says there is a very small part of her that is considering giving our marriage antoher chance but it is hard because I have driven her so far away and she isn't attract to me or in love with me anymore. She states she still loves me very much and cares a lot about me but doesn't love me like a wife should. We have currently been seperated ~6 weeks. She has seen that I have been acting better since starting the meds again but states part of her feels its an act, part of her is scared I will go back to my old ways if we try again, and part of her just thinks it is too late for her. I have been praying my heart out since this happened for God to save our marriage. Convince her to give us another chance, help me treat her right, and make her fall in love with me again. Well the longer this has went on the harder it has become. I initially really really believed that God would save us but unfortunately I am starting to doubt it now. Even more unfortunately I am starting to doubt my faith in God at all. I can't understand why he brought us back together when I asked to only do so if it was meant to be. The longer this goes on the more I fear we are going to get divorced which challenges my believes all together. Why would he bring us back togther to get divorced or does he even exist/care/help at all. I hate feeling this way and doubting everything and I pray for him to restore my faith and restore my marriage but it is so hard. I struggle everyday to get up to go to work and I cry all the time and wake up several times a night crying out to God and praying. I actually feel like giving up and part of me just doesn't want to be alive any more. I dont think I am going to hurt myself but my wife and her family and the life we had together means the world to me. She gave her herself and her heart to me fully and I hurt her both times. I never meant to hurt her and it kills me to know that none of this would have happened if I would have treated her right or stayed on the medication the first time we broke up and got back together. What do I do? Should I keep counting on God to save us or should I just give up and start trying to get myself ready to move on sicne it will be the hardest thing in the world. I am scared to death to think how I will feel if this doesnt work out. The little faith I have left is the only thing getting me through this. If we divorced I feel like I am losing the love of my life and faith in God at the same time and I just cant handle this. Please help me, pray for me, or give me advice. This is the most painful thing in the world and is just destroying me inside. Please help.
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[Soulangel]

Hello and welcome to the boards, where you will receive much support and encouragement in your walk and relationship with our Lord. Be encouraged that you did make a Godly marriage as you stated in your letter that you prayed correctly to our Father that if the marriage was not to be that He would not let it happen, basically you left it up to His decision. So draw strength from that in this time of need, fill your faith 'bank' up if you will, and don't allow the enemy to isolate you and let you believe any longer that you are alone on this journey, God is still walking with you. He is the one who saw the bigger picture for your life, He is the one in control.

Our minds tend to want a solution right here and right now. Think about how long it took for you to pray through to get a solution the first time, how long you had to work through getting your meds right, the counselling going, acknowledging your sin, repentance, and walking with God again - you know the saying 'it didn't happen overnight, but it did happen" well don't be afraid to let go and let God work the next miracle in your life again. Trust and Faith. You can do it with His strength, not in your own strength, we all get down on our knees at the end of the day and draw on Him. Psalm 121:1-2 I lift up my eyes to the hills - where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord. The Maker of Heaven and Earth.

As far as your wife being concerned that you are only modifying your behaviour as opposed to God being the one who is changing you from the inside out, the proof is in whether both of you are coming together in His name because the reality is both of you need to be changing your behaviour and coming to Him in a Christ like atmosphere - be that at church, doing devotionals together, reading the bible together, listening to the Lord and discussing His plans for your life together, communing with other Christians together etc. etc. This is how she will know you are not just managing your behaviour, because you are taking action with Him.

You can do it with Him, our prayers will be with you both, Soulangel:pray:

[turtledove]

I moved this thread to this section from C&E for further counseling.

[DawninPA]

Hi Newguy;

I'm sorry that you are hurting so much and I will pray that you will feel God's arms around you as you go through this difficult time.

Whether or not your marriage can be saved will only be seen in time. Do you and your wife have a church home? If so, talk with the pastor and find out how the church can help you and her to rebuild your marriage. Remind your wife of the vows that both of you made and that you are willing to stay separated while you are rebuilding things, but that you need to know that she is committed to making things work too.

Pray for the wisdom to know what to do. Give your heart to God, but know that this marriage may end. You ask why he would bring her back to you only to have things end again? If you are truly committed to Him and change your life but she does not, then at least the next time you will know that you need a Godly woman who will not pick up and bolt when times get tough.

Good luck to you. Please keep us up to date.

[turtledove]

Hi Guy...here's feedback as you requested in your post. As I read through that I see you have had a difficult relationship with your wife since even before you were married. But where you probably went off the path the most was when after counseling and knowing what your problem was you say you, "slipped back into your old ways." which from what you said before sounds like you got jealous and possessive again.

However, I can see both of you have been unable to make this marriage work and both have contributed to it's break up. There is now the added problem of a lack of trust between you which, hopefully, can be worked on with help. I certainly would suggest further counseling and, if she is willing, that you go together. As others have suggested you also need to be consistantly involved in a church where you can look for pastoral guidance.

"Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus." (Phil. 2:4-5)

peace and prayers, :pray:

wiseoldowl

[Makimbo]

The main thing that stuck out to me was that you're questioning your faith because God brought your ex back into your life after praying for her to come back if it was meant to be. The problem is that life is not that simple, prayer is not that simple. God is not a slave to our requests and God is not responsible for the problems in your marriage. It was still your choice whether to marry your wife or not. I've been married for 4 months now and I am very aware now of how hard it is to make a marriage work, even for Christians, not to mention the devil has a part in attacking those who are building God's kingdom, but that's a whole other story. It takes two people who are willing to press through the hard times and choose to love each other. Contrary to all the movies there is no one person out there who will make a perfect match with you. It will always be hard to live with someone and even harder to make a marriage work.

I had a similar situation where an old boyfriend of mine broke up with me and never wanted to see me again. After praying a desperate prayer for 3 months that if it was God's will that he would come back, he actually did. Then 3 months after that he broke up with me again. I do wonder why God would bring my ex back into my life even though our relationship was not pleasing to Him. One reason may be that He was leaving the decision up to me as to whether I would choose the right path or go my own way. Or maybe it was the only way that I would be able to get over him, because the second time around I could see again why he was not God's best for me.

While your story is different than mine, I tell you mine to talk about the fact that God does things that we don't understand and we can't put Him in a box where we control Him. Where your story changes is that you are now married and you didn't have an arranged marriage by the sound of it so that means you made a choice. You made a promise before God and your family and friends and to your wife to stay together until death do you part. So I know that you can not control your wife's decision but you can control the action that you take to make your marriage work.

Now more than ever you need God to have victory in your marriage. "Draw near to God and he will draw near to you." (James 4:8) Put your hope in God first, let him fill you up and don't depend on your wife to do this. Right now he is asking you, "Aren't I enough for you?" It is not God's responsibility to make your marriage work. No one should go into marriage thinking it will be easy because when the trials come you won't be ready. Know the story of the two people, one who built their house on the sand and one who built their house on the rock. When the rain came.........meaning the rain will come to both the righteous and the wicked........the house on the solid foundation stood strong while the one on the sand fell apart.

Work to rebuild your marriage on the solid foundation of Christ Jesus. Pursue your first love of Jesus. Now more than ever you need Him to do a work in your life and your marriage.

If your wife is cheating on you then there is some serious communication problems going on. Don't think it's all your fault for not meeting her needs. If she has not been talking to you about the things that you're doing that are pushing her away then she is equally to blame. I'm telling you, if you pray that she turns to Jesus and seek His will for her life and you do the same then you'll be able to get some where. Healing is not going to come from any other source than through Jesus Christ.

Try to get her to go with you to get counseling from your pastor or from an older Christian married couple as soon as you can!!!!!!

[new guy]

Thank you for your reply. That did hit home with me. It is just so upsetting that it is hard not to question everything. One thing you noted about my wife and communication. While our communication was not great and maybe she could have done more, she did try to tell me several times that things were not working and she didn't feel like she should and that I was having my problems again. I (not intentionally) ignored them. It is like I am in my own little world when my problem is going on. Anyways please continue to pray for me and my wife. I desperately want my marriage to work and want my wife to be happy, and one day saved through Jesus Christ.

[Sold Out]

Thank you for your reply. That did hit home with me. It is just so upsetting that it is hard not to question everything. One thing you noted about my wife and communication. While our communication was not great and maybe she could have done more, she did try to tell me several times that things were not working and she didn't feel like she should and that I was having my problems again. I (not intentionally) ignored them. It is like I am in my own little world when my problem is going on. Anyways please continue to pray for me and my wife. I desperately want my marriage to work and want my wife to be happy, and one day saved through Jesus Christ.

Go online and see if there is a conference called "A Weekend to Remember" coming to a city near you. I highly recommend that you try to get your wife to go with you to one of these. They have saved many marriages.

[Makimbo]

Thank you for your reply. That did hit home with me. It is just so upsetting that it is hard not to question everything. One thing you noted about my wife and communication. While our communication was not great and maybe she could have done more, she did try to tell me several times that things were not working and she didn't feel like she should and that I was having my problems again. I (not intentionally) ignored them. It is like I am in my own little world when my problem is going on. Anyways please continue to pray for me and my wife. I desperately want my marriage to work and want my wife to be happy, and one day saved through Jesus Christ.

I see. Have you been able to find a Christian counselor or an older Christian married couple to talk to with your wife?

[new guy]

Well we seem to be still in the same situation. Although she has moved more stuff out of our house and into her friends. I am so upset. I continue to pray for God to help me through this and for him to bring us back together. I feel so close to her that I feel like I am losing a part of myself. Like the bible says "one flesh" I truely feel like we have became one and I am being ripped apart by this. A few other issues that goes along with this and makes it so hard that I didn't mention before. I am very very close to her family. I grew up with a single mom and an verbally abusing live in boyfriend with drugs and whatever else constantly around. I was very put off by it and managed to avoid drugs and got myself through college and a Masters degree. Since we have been together and especially since we were married and bought a home together her dad has been more of a dad to me then I have ever had. He has taught me so much. Her family means the world to me including her mom and dad, her sisters, and our nieces. It hurts enough thinking about losing my wife but to lose a family that is closer to me in many ways then my own is devastating. In addition my wife works ~1 mile down the road from our house so I would have to drive past her every day, we have a barn and horse stalls, and fence that I built for her and her horses that I have to look at every day. All of this just kills me. Also, I have never had much self confidence so the fact that I am losing my wife (possibly to another guy) just ruins that even more. I've worked hard all my life and avoided lots of oppurtunities to get in bad situations and tried to be a good person and make something of myself. I thought I finally had. I have a great wife, a great job, a great home, and a great family-in-laws. Now I feel like I am about to lose my wife and my family which means the job and the home I bought for the two of us doesn't mean much to me anymore. Ever since being a kid I always wanted most out of my life was a good wife and a family. I had the perfect oppurtunity for that but my controlling nature and obsessiveness which came about likely from that athmosphere I was raised in is threating to ruin it all. It's not just that I value my wife herself so highly but I value love, family, and the bond of marriage that we made to each other, our families, and God. I feel my actions have caused her to act in ways she never would have either as she is making odd choices and avoiding her family now as well. She needs Gods help as well. Some good things have came about since this seperation, I have reconcilled with my mom (the boyfriend is gone), I have learned about my relationship problems and I am working on them with counseling and meds, I think I had lost tough with God and I am trying to reconnect. So it seems there was definately a reason for the seperation but I don't understand and can't bare the though of us not getting back together and being with each other forever. Please keep praying for me. I continue to cry day and night and every day seems harder. I don't know how I'll live if I lose all of this

[Sold Out]

New advice....just ask her out on a date and go see 'Fireproof' with Kirk Cameron. It's about a guy who decides to fight for his marriage. It might help a ton!

One of the (if not the) best Christians movies I've ever seen.

[new guy]

Please continue to pray for me and my wife. The situation remains the same except I am feeling worse all the time and I don't have any idea how she is feeling. I have began to have thoughts that I should not be having. I cry out to God day in and day out for some sort of relief from this pain, for guidance, for wisdom, for patience or just some sort of help for me and my wife. However, I continue to feel worse almsot daily. I have contemplated thoughts that I shouldn't be having so I can get away from this pain and the pain it is causing my wife. She needs help to. She trys to hide things from the outside but in my personal interactions with her I feel she is a mess and it is making me worse. She does not want to talk to anyone about the situation still except for her 2 single friends. She avoids the situation with her mom and dad and family and apparently up until this weekend she had led them to believe things were getting better between us. They thought she was staying here. They know nothing about the other guy and do not really know much except that Julie was unhappy and we had problems that I am trying to work on. When around my wife she will say things that are mean and hateful and make it sound like there is absolutely no chance that we will work things out and that she doesnt even want to try. But despite this, almost all of her stuff is still here, she hasn't told her family or anyone else and keeps saying she hasnt made a final decision. Other times she will say things that are kind and gentle and make it seem like we actually have a chance and that she wants it to work. My anxiety problem is bad enough but it is being pushed to the edges with these mixed signals I am getting. It is very unlike her and I am not sure what is going through her mind and she gets mad if I try to talk about it now. So I have to try to avoid the subject and make her feel happy around me. I don't know how to approach her I dont know what to think. Part of me feels like she already made up her mind but isn't brave enough to tell her family yet and that she still needs a place for her stuff and part of me feels that no matter how well she hides it she is a mess inside and doesn't know what the heck to do. My heart keeps telling me that we need to work this out and that our relationship can be better and stronger then ever and that God can help me show her to the Lord Jesus. But with the way things are going I just don't trust my heart because it is punishing me. I so greatly desire to feel God's presence in my life, to be able to trust that he is there and that he cares. But it feels like I am getting no response and it is just hard not to question everything at this point. I do not think there is anything else in the world that could have happened that would bring me down to this point. I am losing so much if I lose my wife and her family. She is the only woman I have ever kissed, touched, or loved and I don't want to love anyone else and don't think I can. I have always greatly desired to have a family and we had the perfect situation here and now it seems like it is dissapearing. I am afraid that I care about her so much I would never be able to get over her and would never be able to trust anyone else with my heart anyways. It makes me wish I would wake up dead sometimes my pain, her pain, the craizness of the whole situation, not having any idea how to handle it, what to do or how to convince her to get help. I tried to talk her into counseling and she refuses. Like I said she doesn't want to talk about it at all. And no matter how much I pray for her, myself, out relationship or anything else it just continues to feel like I am talking to myself. What do I do? How do I get through this? How do I get God to answer me or help me with something. If nothing else I just need help with the patience to get through this. Every day is a stuggle. I have to go to the bathroom at work and hide to cry multiple times a day. Every minute of every day is mental and emotional agony. Please pray for us. Please.

[new guy]

One other question I have is about being married to a non-christian. Like I said my wife believes in God but has not really been exposed to Jesus ande therefore is not saved. When we broke up and I was praying I tried to address this issue and thought maybe we shouldn't be together because of this. However, I felt that God brought us back together as I prayed for it to happen if it was for his will. I hoped that I would be able to eventually lead her to Christ through our relationship. Well our relationship had too many struggles becasue of my anxiety/jealousy/osbessivenes that she did not really feel my love no matter the love of Jesus through me. Now is where I stuggle. In one part of the bible (I dont have verses with me off hand) it says that if you are married to an unbelieving wife to remain so as they are sanctified through you. I think it goes onto say that if they want to leave you canlet them as you are no longer bound to them. Somewhere else it also says not to associated with non-believers. I don't understand this. If I or other Christians are not to associate with non believers then how will they ever get the chance to believe. I still feel bound more then ever to my wife and cannon just let her go and she appearently is not sure she wants to leave. What does her being sanctified through me mean? I feel like our relationship maybe her chance to be exposed to Christ and be saved as well. What are your thoughts on these topics? Thanks again and please continue to pray for both of us and our families in these struggles. It is very diffiuclt being in my condition and seeing my wife behave as she is currently as I know it is not her.