Need some advice

[Welder4Christ]

Hey, you guys;

I need some advice re: this brother in my fellowship.

He has always been very friendly, and has never done anything really inappropriate, but there is one thing that absolutely annoys me about him. Everytime I see him, he wants to hug. I am not normally a touchy-feely person, and while I do hug my brothers/sisters, I don't feel inclined to hug every person every single time I see them, but it seems like this guy always wants to hug. Also, he will come behind me sometimes and grab me, and it's very aggravating. I told him not to do that, and for the most part he hasn't, but sometimes he will try to.

I want to express to him that sometimes I don't feel like hugging, and that we don't have to hug everytime we see each other, but I also don't want to seem unloving. Am I being unChristlike by not wanting to hug this brother every time I see him? Would it be rude, or unChristlike, of me to tell him to ease off of the constant hugging?

Please tell me your thoughts. Thanks so much.

[DadBurnett]

Hey, you guys;

I need some advice re: this brother in my fellowship.

He has always been very friendly, and has never done anything really inappropriate, but there is one thing that absolutely annoys me about him. Everytime I see him, he wants to hug. I am not normally a touchy-feely person, and while I do hug my brothers/sisters, I don't feel inclined to hug every person every single time I see them, but it seems like this guy always wants to hug. Also, he will come behind me sometimes and grab me, and it's very aggravating. I told him not to do that, and for the most part he hasn't, but sometimes he will try to.

I want to express to him that sometimes I don't feel like hugging, and that we don't have to hug everytime we see each other, but I also don't want to seem unloving. Am I being unChristlike by not wanting to hug this brother every time I see him? Would it be rude, or unChristlike, of me to tell him to ease off of the constant hugging?

Please tell me your thoughts. Thanks so much.
I can’t help but wonder … is the “problem” really with what the other guy is doing? I understand that some people are touchy-feely and other are not but I don’t know that saying that really means anything. I wonder if there is something more going one here, what is it in you that is put off by what he is doing?

From far out in another field … I wonder what whould happen if you went to the other extreme – beginning hugging him, really hugging him, you know – drag it out … maybe, just maybe, he will back off.

The bottom line however is what Paul said about the Holy Spirit teaching us … the real answer, the best answer, will come from the Holy Spirit in response to your prayer of faith.

[Welder4Christ]

I can’t help but wonder … is the “problem” really with what the other guy is doing? I understand that some people are touchy-feely and other are not but I don’t know that saying that really means anything. I wonder if there is something more going one here, what is it in you that is put off by what he is doing?

I'm sorry...I'm not sure I understand.

From far out in another field … I wonder what whould happen if you went to the other extreme – beginning hugging him, really hugging him, you know – drag it out … maybe, just maybe, he will back off.

I'd be a little scared to do that.

The bottom line however is what Paul said about the Holy Spirit teaching us … the real answer, the best answer, will come from the Holy Spirit in response to your prayer of faith.

I've been praying that the Lord would give me patience with this brother, and that He would enable me to love him as He does. For the most part, He has granted it.

Even so, would it be out-of-line for me to ask him not to be so huggish?

[CoffeeCat]

If the constant hugging bothers you, then that's okay. Some people really aren't huggy people. Personally, I'm only huggy around people I am VERY close friends with, boyfriend, or family. And that's it. I don't hug people in church (unless they're one of the above, of course). It's out of my comfort zone. And I suspect it's out of yours. HIS means of communication and comfort level obviously take him to a place where he wants to greet people with a big, warm friendly hug.

So.... you might need to be proactive about it. When you see him, smile, stick out your hand and say "hey, c'mon, give me your BEST handshake, buddy!" or something close. Or try that guy thing where they punch each other in the shoulder by way of greeting. :lol: Using body language like this MIGHT send a signal that you're really not in a huggy mood. If the poor guy's STILL not getting it, then I don't think it would be rude or un-Christian at ALL to say "hey look, you're an awesome brother in Christ but hugging's really not my thing. How about a handshake, a high-five, or something like that?"

You guys should be able to work it out. :) If worst comes to worst, compromise on a sideways kind of hug (a shoulder squeeze, sort of). It lasts 3 seconds, so it should be alright.

God bless!

[Welder4Christ]

The thing is....my pastor actually came up to me a few months ago and asked if this man's demeanor was bothering me at all, just because he does tend to be so open and friendly with a lot of the women (women, only, mind you....not men). I guess he has made more than one woman uncomfortable in the past, and he just wanted to make sure that I was not feeling the same way. I guess they had to approach him on more than one accasion about his affectionate tendencies. It was sort of a warning to me, I guess.

At the time, I told the pastor that I thought he was harmless, and his behaviour didn't bother me....but lately, it really has been.

[Richard H]

If the constant hugging bothers you, then that's okay. Some people really aren't huggy people. Personally, I'm only huggy around people I am VERY close friends with, boyfriend, or family. And that's it. I don't hug people in church (unless they're one of the above, of course). It's out of my comfort zone. And I suspect it's out of yours. HIS means of communication and comfort level obviously take him to a place where he wants to greet people with a big, warm friendly hug.

So.... you might need to be proactive about it. When you see him, smile, stick out your hand and say "hey, c'mon, give me your BEST handshake, buddy!" or something close. Or try that guy thing where they punch each other in the shoulder by way of greeting. :lol: Using body language like this MIGHT send a signal that you're really not in a huggy mood. If the poor guy's STILL not getting it, then I don't think it would be rude or un-Christian at ALL to say "hey look, you're an awesome brother in Christ but hugging's really not my thing. How about a handshake, a high-five, or something like that?"

You guys should be able to work it out. :) If worst comes to worst, compromise on a sideways kind of hug (a shoulder squeeze, sort of). It lasts 3 seconds, so it should be alright.

God bless!

Yeah! Put up your hand for a high-five!
Nobody can turn down a high-five. :thumbsup:

Besides it's too much contrast from a hug - so that a hug would feel awkward even to him.

[CoffeeCat]

I'm sorry, I'm a bit confused (and sleepy) -- I assumed you were a guy when I first responded. Whether you're a guy or a girl, Welder, my apologies because I didn't take that into consideration so much.

If his behaviour REALLY is bothering you, you might want to speak to your pastor, who might perhaps have a word with Mr. Huggy. A gentle word, I'm sure. If that won't/can't happen, then you might just need to tell him, as nicely as possible, that you're really not the huggy sort and to please hold off on the hugs.

When you're actually to the point of being 'really bothered' by something.... you need to try and nip that behaviour in the bud however you can. Trying the friendly "handshake/high-five" idea I mentioned first might do it.... if not, getting the pastor to say something to him.... and then you nicely saying something yourself. Either way, if you're not comfortable in your own church, then I don't think he needs to be hugging you. Doesn't make either of you "at fault", but hugging is one form of communication some people REALLY like to overdo, while others aren't as comfortable. I totally "get you", how that's just "not for you".

[Soulangel]

From what you've outlined this individual doesn't have a healthy set of social boundaries and has just jumped on the 'hug one, hug all bus" irrespective of how any individual feels. When this happens it is necessary for someone to be very kind and caring enough to point out to them what is socially correct in different situations so that they don't go through the rest of their life making blunders. Think of a bigger picture - how much harder is it going to be for him to gain a wife being like this, how much harder in the work force, because I can guarantee you he will be making smaller social blunders as well.

We need to take a leaf out of Jesus' book so to speak and love unconditionally and help correct with love and understanding. It is not unchristian of you to say thanks for the offer of a hug, but no thanks I don't feel like one today, in words that suit you, when you say them from the heart, no hurt is done. Your pastor sounds like he's on board, so make the necessary steps to see good done for this loving individual who's family just didn't teach him social graces.

God bless you, Soulangel:pray:

[Rumely]

When I was in college, the fellowship in which I was involved went through this big huggy phase. It took me a long time to realize that it is okay to have boundaries, and it's okay to not want to be hugged. While it is certainly good to be concerned about the mad hugger's feelings and all, it does neither of you any favors to allow him to cross your boundary. You can gently but firmly tell him you'd rather he didn't hug or grab you. In truth, he is the one being rude and inconsiderate, however well meaning he may be. If he were starving and you ate a sandwich in front of him, that would be unChristlike. If you insulted him to hurt his feelings, that also would be unChristlike. But to help him learn consideration and appropriate relational skills is neither rude nor unChristlike.

[SFASH]

The thing is....my pastor actually came up to me a few months ago and asked if this man's demeanor was bothering me at all, just because he does tend to be so open and friendly with a lot of the women (women, only, mind you....not men). I guess he has made more than one woman uncomfortable in the past, and he just wanted to make sure that I was not feeling the same way. I guess they had to approach him on more than one accasion about his affectionate tendencies. It was sort of a warning to me, I guess.

At the time, I told the pastor that I thought he was harmless, and his behaviour didn't bother me....but lately, it really has been.

The best solution for this, since you both have the same pastor is for the pastor to address the issue from the pulpit in such a way that no one individual in singled out. I have experienced this in churches, and am frankly not fond of being hugged, and especially not fond of hugging someone's wife etc. But there is a tendency of Pastors to address the issue in such a way that everyone gets the message and nobody needs to be offended.

[Duane Morse]

Way back when...

It was back in 1988 or something.

I was a waiter/bartender in the San Mateo, CA Magic Pan.

There was this guy. He was huge. A body builder and, as it turns out, a personal friend of our now esteemed gov - Arnie.

I witnessed to him, when opportunity arose.

Then after that, every time he came in he gave me a big hug.

I was not really comfortable with it, since I am not a 'touchy-feely' person either.
But on the other hand, I did not want to reject his feelings towards me.
There was nothing wrong with what he was doing. He is not gay, nor was there anything sexual about it.
He was simply expressing his love towards me in what I had shared with him about Christ. We were brothers in Christ, and he wanted to show it in a way that was more personal than a handshake or a nod.
And, he was not so insecure in his manhood that he could not show it in that simple way.


Tell me, Welder4Christ...

Is it so much to bear, that a brother should want to hug you?

Or, would it be more to bear that you should reject the honest affection of a true brother in Christ - even to the end of a close friendship?

After all - how difficult, or how much time, does a little hug take?

[Rumely]

My only concern about the pastor adressing it from the pulpit is, I hope it would be more effective than our "safety talks" at work. They use the approach of adressing an issue to the group, rather than an individual, but the individual who needs to heed the message rarely applies it to himself. I think it would be a good idea to address it from the pulpit, but it's very likely that the mad hugger will need for someone to (again, gently but firmly) speak to him personally.

Of course, I suppose you COULD learn judo. I'm guessing that would extinguish the behavior fairly quickly.

[Rumely]

Way back when...

It was back in 1988 or something.

I was a waiter/bartender in the San Mateo, CA Magic Pan.

There was this guy. He was huge. A body builder and, as it turns out, a personal friend of our now esteemed gov - Arnie.

I witnessed to him, when opportunity arose.

Then after that, every time he came in he gave me a big hug.

I was not really comfortable with it, since I am not a 'touchy-feely' person either.
But on the other hand, I did not want to reject his feelings towards me.
There was nothing wrong with what he was doing. He is not gay, nor was there anything sexual about it.
He was simply expressing his love towards me in what I had shared with him about Christ. We were brothers in Christ, and he wanted to show it in a way that was more personal than a handshake or a nod.
And, he was not so insecure in his manhood that he could not show it in that simple way.


Tell me, Welder4Christ...

Is it so much to bear, that a brother should want to hug you?

Or, would it be more to bear that you should reject the honest affection of a true brother in Christ - even to the end of a close friendship?

After all - how difficult, or how much time, does a little hug take?

Why does this fellow only show his "brotherly affection" to women in this way?

Why should a Christian brother not learn to respect others' boundaries and feelings.

Why should a Christian brother gain at a Christian sister's expense?

For some (many) people, a "little hug" is more than just a little time and inconvenience in their day. It can be connected to issues of control, autonomy, abuse, and other deep-seated issues.

A little restraint in the hugging department should not be difficult, especially when there are so many other ways one can greet someone or show them affection.

I'm not trying to be argumentative, just trying to throw out some other considerations.

[Duane Morse]

Why does this fellow only show his "brotherly affection" to women in this way?

Why should a Christian brother not learn to respect others' boundaries and feelings.

Why should a Christian brother gain at a Christian sister's expense?

For some (many) people, a "little hug" is more than just a little time and inconvenience in their day. It can be connected to issues of control, autonomy, abuse, and other deep-seated issues.

A little restraint in the hugging department should not be difficult, especially when there are so many other ways one can greet someone or show them affection.

I'm not trying to be argumentative, just trying to throw out some other considerations.
Where do all the 'sister' and 'woman' questions come from?

He is male, I am male (my name should clearly indicate that).

And I have no doubt that he would have respected any boundries that I imposed.
I didn't feel the need, since he was not really being offensive in any way.
And I felt that my little unease with the innocent physical contact was greatly outweighed by his own honest show of love.

And I really hope you can honestly reflect on these, 'other considerations'.

[Rumely]

The "she" and "woman" were referring to the OP. I have no problems with how you have personally dealt with the hugging issue in your case. All I'm saying is, it isn't always so simple or easy for everyone to resolve the issue because of factors that apparently don't affect you. A person who has suffered abuse, for instance, may well have an aversion to touch so an unwelcome hug, for them, is a much more traumatic experience than what to you is a little inconvenience. For them to merely submit to the hug is actually a similar dynamic to their experience with victimization. I'm not saying the OP is experiencing this, she didn't say so, but many people do. Of course, it is not the hugger's fault that he may not have insight into each individual's psyche, but he certainly can learn to be aware of and respect others' boundaries. If he can't, then he has some issues that need to be dealt with.

I'm not trying to stifle huggers or cast them in a negative light, I'm merely trying to foster respect, consideration, empathy, and compassion for one another.

[Richard H]

<snip>
Of course, I suppose you COULD learn judo. I'm guessing that would extinguish the behavior fairly quickly.

LOL

From a strictly behavioral standpoint. One might try placing (not throwing) a fist (upward with the thumb knuckle pointed out) between you and your hugger. Much as I place (not kick) my knee between me and my dog to teach her not to jump up. He may get the "point".

It's silent and unobserved by others, yet the message is unmistakable.

If nothing else works that is. Heeheehee

[Welder4Christ]

Where do all the 'sister' and 'woman' questions come from?

He is male, I am male (my name should clearly indicate that).

And I have no doubt that he would have respected any boundries that I imposed.
I didn't feel the need, since he was not really being offensive in any way.
And I felt that my little unease with the innocent physical contact was greatly outweighed by his own honest show of love.

And I really hope you can honestly reflect on these, 'other considerations'.


Because I am a female, and this guy is nototrious for making women in the church feel uncomfortable, and I can understand why.

To be fairly blunt....the guy is huge, and a bit "creepy"....and the fact that he has repeatedly told me that he threw away his porno magazines doesn't help the situation.

It is quite an unpleasant experience.

[Sold Out]

The thing is....my pastor actually came up to me a few months ago and asked if this man's demeanor was bothering me at all, just because he does tend to be so open and friendly with a lot of the women (women, only, mind you....not men). I guess he has made more than one woman uncomfortable in the past, and he just wanted to make sure that I was not feeling the same way. I guess they had to approach him on more than one accasion about his affectionate tendencies. It was sort of a warning to me, I guess.

At the time, I told the pastor that I thought he was harmless, and his behaviour didn't bother me....but lately, it really has been.

If you've got a red flag going up over this, AND your pastor approached you about it...then it is obviously not as innocent as you would like it to be. I would speak with your pastor again, in hopes that he will take this gentleman aside and let him know that his form of greeting is crossing the line with the opposite sex. He needs to be told now before rumors get started, etc.

[Tanya~]

At the time, I told the pastor that I thought he was harmless, and his behaviour didn't bother me....but lately, it really has been.

You need to go back to the pastor and tell him that it does bother you, that this member is making you uncomfortable.

Another thing you can do when the man approaches you is put your hand out and offer to shake hands instead of hugging, then if he hugs you just tell him you don't want to hug because you don't like it.

[Welder4Christ]

Hey, you guys;

I wanted to let you know what happened.

A couple of Sundays ago, when he came up to me, I stuck out my hand as soon as he approached. He shook it, then asked for a hug. I declined, and he asked why. I told him that just wasn't my thing, and he asked if I was sick. I told him no, that I just wasn't a big hugger, and we don't have to hug every time we see each other. He said he was sorry, and that he didn't mean to scare me.

The following week, the same thing happened. I stuck out my hand to shake it, and he asks in a very loud voice "So, do you want a hug?" Well, I felt really put on the spot, and under pressure, I gave him a hug. After church, I was talking to one of the ladies in my fellowship about the whole thing, and told her that it was awkward, and that I was getting very aggravated...that I don't like to be made to feel like I'm obligated to be hugging everyone. She agreed that it wasn't right, and that I needed to go talk to the pastor, so I took her advice and did it.

My pastor was not pleased. I guess others had complained, and they had talked to him about the exact same thing that morning....telling him that he cannot be hugging the ladies or young girls anymore. I guess he promised that he wouldn't, and the pastor was pretty upset that he turned around and broke his promise...so, because of me, they had another talk with him, and part of me feels bad, although part of me knows I did the right thing.

A few nights ago, at a church function, my pastor came up to me and told me that if I have any problems with him, that I need to report him immediately. I asked if the guy was upset, and he basically said yes. I just hope I'm not causing divisions between a fellow brother and myself.

Anyhow, for those of you who said to talk to my pastor...You were absolutely right.

[Welder4Christ]

HIS means of communication and comfort level obviously take him to a place where he wants to greet people with a big, warm friendly hug.

God bless!


Actually, I've noticed that he only hugs ladies and girls

[Tanya~]

Good for you! I'm glad you did this. Now it is up to the pastor to deal with that member who is acting extremely inappropriately in the church. You don't need to feel badly for going to the pastor, you are not causing division. You told him you didn't want hugs and he put you on the spot. He is acting like a pervert and is the one doing wrong.

[Duane Morse]

...so, because of me, they had another talk with him, and part of me feels bad, although part of me knows I did the right thing.

A few nights ago, at a church function, my pastor came up to me and told me that if I have any problems with him, that I need to report him immediately. I asked if the guy was upset, and he basically said yes. I just hope I'm not causing divisions between a fellow brother and myself.

Anyhow, for those of you who said to talk to my pastor...You were absolutely right.
This thing about never upsetting anyone for any reason has really gone too far.

The guy acts inappropriately. Period.
His 'feelings' are secondary to those he offends without thought or consideration.

How is behaviour changed?
It is by making the person feel badly about what they are doing.

That, of all things, should you learn from the Bible.
Sin is only countered by feeling remorseful. It can be no other way.

So, W4C, your guilt is totally misplaced.

[Soulangel]

This thing about never upsetting anyone for any reason has really gone too far.

The guy acts inappropriately. Period.
His 'feelings' are secondary to those he offends without thought or consideration.

How is behaviour changed?
It is by making the person feel badly about what they are doing.

That, of all things, should you learn from the Bible.
Sin is only countered by feeling remorseful. It can be no other way.

So, W4C, your guilt is totally misplaced.

I have to disagree with your statement that it is our job to make someone feel bad about their actions so they change their behaviour. Making someone feel bad so they change their behaviour, means they will only change/modify their behaviour for a limited amount of time. You can speak politely to an individual and point out the issue and leave them feeling whole in Christ, then you have to let GOD convict them of their sin and the change has to come from the Holy Spirit within them for the change to be permanent. We do not need to tear strips off each other to get points across. Speaking firmly and fairly is enough, consequences can follow if repeat offences occur.

W4C's simple heartfelt statement of not wanting to hurt someone else's feelings and feeling a tad guilty is just a momentary female feeling for someone who is hurting, not really guilt in the true sense of the word. Us females tend to say we feel guilty because we're worried we've hurt the other person and we're stressed out about consequences, so don't be too hard on her, it'll pass, she just has a beautiful heart that cares deeply.

God bless, Soulangel

[Steps]

I was going to scream, Tell HIM FOR Goodness Sake!!!

Am glad for one thing, you have done the right thing about this, which was to let him know that you are not into hugs, esp not everytime you meet. Better still let him know you are uncomfortable.

You have to be consistent about it. By the way, he did not oblige you to hug him. He simply asked. It was 10 steps backward when you obliged yourself to hug him. You shouldn't have done that. Don't do it again. But please do not change your attitude towards him, but forbid his hugging you. In fact if he withdraws from you, go to him and say 'hi' with a handshake or whatever makes you comfortable.