Preference or Discrimination

[Virtuous Miss]

This may be a bit of a touchy subject, well at least it has been with some people I’ve spoken about this with, but I am a virgin who wants to marry, and I would like my husband to be a virgin as well. I’ve always felt that it’s just my personal preference, but when discussing this with a single guy who is a non-virgin but has made a recommitment to holiness and purity since he is now in Christ, he said that my mentality is a form of discrimination.

The reason why he says it’s discrimination is because of 2 Corinthians 5:17--- that we are all new creatures in Christ and old things have passed away. I definitely agree that we do become new creatures and that God no longer looks at our sinful pasts, BUT, it still doesn’t erase the fact that the person has indeed had sexual experience. Maybe my reasons are a bit selfish because the way I look at it, my husband will be receiving a new off the showroom floor, never been driven before model, so why shouldn’t I desire to receive the same? And I will admit that there also is a little insecurity attached to it as well, because I just feel that when I get married and am being intimate with my husband, I will sometimes wonder if he is thinking about someone else he had been with.

Am I entitled to my preference, or do I have some more maturing in Christ to do? Please be honest with me, I can take it :)

[Kahtar]

You are exactly right on in both your desire and your reasoning.
As to the single guy, do you think it's possible he has motive for attacking your faithfulness? ;)

[aurora77]

No, I think you are right. We all discriminate when we marry, there are things that we will and won't tolerate in a spouse. If you want to marry a virgin, more power to you!

Perhaps he's questioning your decision b/c he feels guilty about his past actions.

[Revinius]

I think he is right and you arent 'off the show room floor', your body has been driven around and wrecked just like all our bodies. We have all sinned so we are all fall short, and we all are the wretched scum of this world.

Because his particular sin has been sexual and yours hasnt does that mean he is less pure than you? Absolutely not.

You are not wrong to want something biblical in a husband as that is right and true, but in this fallen world of repentance, to discriminate based on sin that has no part in the other person anymore is a form of bigotry that is the like of the Pharisees.

[Rumely]

The nice thing about marrying a virgin, is you get to build your sexual relationship together from scratch. Neither of you have any previous experience to compare it to, nor do either of you carry over baggage from a previous relationship in that area. It's too bad being a new creation doesn't wipe away our memories, conditioning, and experiences in this life. If that were the case, I'd be more inclined to agree with Revinius.

In any case, I'm not sure it's any more discriminatory than wanting your husband to be tall or have brown eyes or whatever. And you never know, you might meet someone, fall in love with him, and decide that his not being a virgin isn't a dealbreaker after all.

[tango]

I think people can be very quick to throw that "discrimination" tag into the mix without really thinking through what they are saying.

When it comes to love, relationships, and especially a commitment to be faithful to one individual for the rest of your life, you get to make a lot of decisions based on your personal preferences and those preferences can be as arbitrary as you want them to be.

Making an active choice to prefer a husband who is a virgin is no less valid a situation than if you happened to find, say, that you find tall men with dark hair the most attractive. In that situation you'd typically be drawn to tall men with dark hair, while a short man with blonde hair might get overlooked.

As Rumely said above, there's always a chance that you'll meet someone who falls outside your desired parameters but you'll fall in love with them and decide that things don't matter. There's still nothing wrong with looking for a certain ideal, as long as you're willing to allow God to show you that in a specific case the fact they fell short of the mark in the past isn't a problem.

[ServantofTruth]

If you met a believer who had been a virgin till they married then their wife died, would it make a difference? Or a believer who was a virgin till they married and their non believing partner left them and biblically they let them go.

In both cases they would have had sex, but biblically done nothing wrong.

Put me down with the people who say we are forgiven daily at the foot of the cross. If God forgives someone, who am i to them count them any different to myself. It's easy to sit in church with someone who we know of their past life and sin, at arms length. I guess it's more of a challenge to love them and treat them as equal up close. SofTy. :hug:

[Partaker of Christ]

Suppose the man you meet has not had a physical sexual relationship, can you guarantee that he has not looked at another woman with lust?

Both my wife and I were virgins when we were married. It would not have stopped me, if my wife had not been a virgin, and I don't think my wife would have felt different towards me, if I were not a virgin.
Our virginity was not based on any religious or moral grounds, but perhaps more down to shyness.

We have now been married for 38 years, and we have not been with any other, in a sexual relationship.
Have I been guilty of desiring other women? 'Yes'. Has my wife been guilty of desiring other men? 'Yes'
We have both at times wondered [curiosity] what would it be like, to be with another person.

Have we then been faithful to one another? 'No'

It is best described as:

My people worship me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me.

[Revinius]

the 'discrimination card' is a valid one, how can we as Christians preach the forgiveness of the cross yet not live it? If the Lord brings me a godly girl that has made a sexual mistake in the past (or even been victim of one) i will not look at her like she is not good enough for me. That is awful and terrible and i will rebuke anyone who calls themself Christian yet has such a hypocritical standard. Sure you should desire the quality of a virgin wife, but dont raise that quality up as a 'functional savior' (an idol) and forsake those that God has cleansed and may bring to you.

[hoojoe]

If you met a believer who had been a virgin till they married then their wife died, would it make a difference? Or a believer who was a virgin till they married and their non believing partner left them and biblically they let them go.

In both cases they would have had sex, but biblically done nothing wrong.

Put me down with the people who say we are forgiven daily at the foot of the cross. If God forgives someone, who am i to them count them any different to myself. It's easy to sit in church with someone who we know of their past life and sin, at arms length. I guess it's more of a challenge to love them and treat them as equal up close. SofTy. :hug:

What Servant has said here pretty much says it all. Granted it is hard for us to overlook past sin.

[Sold Out]

Am I entitled to my preference, or do I have some more maturing in Christ to do? Please be honest with me, I can take it :)

You are entitled to your preference, but I have to say the selection will be very small. It's sad but true. Put yourself in the guys shoes...what if you had had a sexual experience before, but had made a committment to God to wait until marriage? Would that make you non-marriage material?

[ServantofTruth]

There were 2 topics that i wanted to pop into the site and add my thoughts to. Both were connected with my daily reading in 1 Samuel.

In 1 Samuel chapter 25, we read the story of Nabal and his wife Abigail. If anyone wishes to read the whole story, it is one chapter only. But it ends with Nabal being struck by YaHWeH and dying.

Then David sends men with an offer of marriage. She accepts and marries David. Such a servant of God, his anointed King and prophet, saw nothing wrong with marrying a woman who had had sex with another man. David has also already had sex and has another wife.

But for balance i want to mention something else that i remember hearing. In present days, only a few years ago, i remember hearing a virgin woman complaining that she could not find a man at her church. Why?

Apparently all the young men were going for the unmarried mothers, who had joined the church. They were deliberately, trying to out do eachother, by showing everyone that they could forgive. She as a virgin, just couldn't match these wicked women who had slept around and had children outside of marriage and were now forgiven.

Now i hope we can all see why this was so silly? Not because the virgin lady would have been the better choice, i hope! But because once they were all believers there was no better choice on the grounds of past behaviour.

The main problem i see with seperating personal choice, from how we teach others, is it will seperate us from our brothers/ sisters going forward. What if we meet another person who expresses a similar opinion, another couple who were both virgins - perhaps they'd make better friends? Perhaps our children would be better dating their children, because we could trust them?

I am guilty in this area myself, which makes replying easier. SofTy. :)

[fsuwolf]

To tell someone they are being discriminatory because they have set their standards higher then most in society is the same as condemning some being for being a Christian. It is like choosing friends, my wife and I have set our standards high for who we would let into our lives. God says to protect your faith and there are some Flacky Christians out there. Plus this young man is a new Christian, I would be concerned that he does not have his flesh under control yet. So no I do not think your being discriminatory because you have set your standards high (standards in line with God) so hold out and pray for the man you want, and God will provide. My wife and I have been married 20 .6 years and my wife told me she prayed everyday and told God the type of man she was looking for, down to the color of my eyes. She got what she prayed for.

[Revinius]

To tell someone they are being discriminatory because they have set their standards higher then most in society is the same as condemning some being for being a Christian. It is like choosing friends, my wife and I have set our standards high for who we would let into our lives. God says to protect your faith and there are some Flacky Christians out there. Plus this young man is a new Christian, I would be concerned that he does not have his flesh under control yet. So no I do not think your being discriminatory because you have set your standards high (standards in line with God) so hold out and pray for the man you want, and God will provide. My wife and I have been married 20 .6 years and my wife told me she prayed everyday and told God the type of man she was looking for, down to the color of my eyes. She got what she prayed for.

Please read my post, discrimination when we are the prince among sinners is clearly not on. Standards are all well and good, but we must admit that our standards are based on grace and not on purity by works.

[Virtuous Miss]

The nice thing about marrying a virgin, is you get to build your sexual relationship together from scratch. Neither of you have any previous experience to compare it to, nor do either of you carry over baggage from a previous relationship in that area. It's too bad being a new creation doesn't wipe away our memories, conditioning, and experiences in this life. If that were the case, I'd be more inclined to agree with Revinius.

In any case, I'm not sure it's any more discriminatory than wanting your husband to be tall or have brown eyes or whatever. And you never know, you might meet someone, fall in love with him, and decide that his not being a virgin isn't a dealbreaker after all.

YES! You captured my very sentiments exactly and that's why I mentioned that my preference is somewhat based upon my own insecurities. I would not turn down a true man of God that was living holy and sexually pure regardless of his past, if in fact he is the one God has for me but I would still prefer he be a virgin as to avoid the very real issues that Rumely stated.

I know that I like everyone else have fallen short in some areas of my life and have been delivered of my sins through Christ. I did not mean to come across as having this "better than thou" attitude like the Pharisees, but in reading the responses, I can see definitely see how it can be interpreted as so. But thanks everyone for all of your responses, I know that I do need to do some more maturing in Christ about this specific area.

[Virtuous Miss]

Suppose the man you meet has not had a physical sexual relationship, can you guarantee that he has not looked at another woman with lust?

Both my wife and I were virgins when we were married. It would not have stopped me, if my wife had not been a virgin, and I don't think my wife would have felt different towards me, if I were not a virgin.
Our virginity was not based on any religious or moral grounds, but perhaps more down to shyness.

We have now been married for 38 years, and we have not been with any other, in a sexual relationship.
Have I been guilty of desiring other women? 'Yes'. Has my wife been guilty of desiring other men? 'Yes'
We have both at times wondered [curiosity] what would it be like, to be with another person.

Have we then been faithful to one another? 'No'

It is best described as:

My people worship me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me.

Wow...excellent points and definitely gives me some things to think about

[Virtuous Miss]

I think he is right and you arent 'off the show room floor', your body has been driven around and wrecked just like all our bodies. We have all sinned so we are all fall short, and we all are the wretched scum of this world.

Because his particular sin has been sexual and yours hasnt does that mean he is less pure than you? Absolutely not.

You are not wrong to want something biblical in a husband as that is right and true, but in this fallen world of repentance, to discriminate based on sin that has no part in the other person anymore is a form of bigotry that is the like of the Pharisees.

I see your point

[*Hope*]

I can completely understand how you feel. As someone who has saved myself for marriage, it has always been my desire to find someone who has kept himself pure for me too. I think it's natural to want that, and ideally that is how God intended things to be. However, it is likely that the man you end up marrying will have some type of sexual history (our society makes it very difficult for men AND women to keep themselves entirely pure). Although it isn't wrong to have the desire for someone sexually pure, it IS wrong for you to refuse to be with them if they are not. If God has forgiven them, who are you to deny them forgiveness? I do understand your feelings, I have those same thoughts and fears myself. Knowing your spouse has a sexual past with other people must be devastating and difficult to overcome. But, God is a Redeemer. And He restores what the locust has eaten. Even if you end up marrying a man who has failed in this area, if you both commit yourselves to God, He will be faithful to bring healing to this area of your lives. Once you join together and offer yourselves to one another wholly, you will create new memories that will be yours alone. No matter what "experience" he may have before you, it will not compare to the love and intimacy he will share with you.

[livingwaters]

May the Lord bring HIS godly people into the lives of those who are seeking marriage partners.

God Bless:)

[Virtuous Miss]

I can completely understand how you feel. As someone who has saved myself for marriage, it has always been my desire to find someone who has kept himself pure for me too. I think it's natural to want that, and ideally that is how God intended things to be. However, it is likely that the man you end up marrying will have some type of sexual history (our society makes it very difficult for men AND women to keep themselves entirely pure). Although it isn't wrong to have the desire for someone sexually pure, it IS wrong for you to refuse to be with them if they are not. If God has forgiven them, who are you to deny them forgiveness? I do understand your feelings, I have those same thoughts and fears myself. Knowing your spouse has a sexual past with other people must be devastating and difficult to overcome. But, God is a Redeemer. And He restores what the locust has eaten. Even if you end up marrying a man who has failed in this area, if you both commit yourselves to God, He will be faithful to bring healing to this area of your lives. Once you join together and offer yourselves to one another wholly, you will create new memories that will be yours alone. No matter what "experience" he may have before you, it will not compare to the love and intimacy he will share with you.

Thank you so much for your response. You truly gave me hope (no pun intended...well maybe just a little :) But seriously, this has been an area that God has been truly dealing with me about lately and He's been speaking to me this week about some of the very same things that you mentioned. So this has definitely been confirmation for me.