I am afraid that sometimes I am not very nice to my husband

[itzme]

I could use some Godly advice on this.

I have recently taken a spiritual inventory and I have come to realize that I am often not acting in the right way towards my husband. Now he has done some bad things as well, but I know God is more interested in my actions. I need some advice though, I bring our past into current life, so I often just can't redirect my thoughts, anger and outlook. Need some help.

My husband is an atheist, so that does affect how to approach this problem. Its more up to me to change, because that is what God wants, than to expect him to change.

For example, he is someone who does hold on to his anger (he is not a yeller or a screamer just someone who holds a grudge), that has two affects on me, one it distances me from him and since his grudges are constant my distance is constant, and two his anger has made me bitter towards him. I just get tired of living with it. I feel like his prissiness just takes over the whole house.

All the above has made it very difficult for me to listen to his just in regular conversation onward. I just agree with what he says so I don't have to deal with all the junk.

All the above makes me angry and makes me tend towards being a person I don't want to be. He has no idea I feel this way.

He is a good man in many ways, I know my actions are not honoring God, doubly so since God holds me to higher standards. I do resolve to do better, but I just can't get a handle on my bitterness.

If someone can give me advice I would be much appreciative.

[Iliana]

Hi,

I find myself in a situation similar to yours...I am as well "unequally yoked" with an unbelieving husband(he's not an atheist but he's not a christian). Although unlike your husband mine will scream & yell, he doesn't hold grudges but he also don't often apologize and if it hurts me he just doesn't understand when I try to tell him why. He doesn't think he did anything wrong.

So I just have to forget about the issue completely...which for me is like impossible. If he does something wrong to me I want to tell him and talk to him about it and make him understand so it won't happen again. So of course when that doesn't happen it just builds up inside me and little by little we become more distant.

So what to do? I don't know, I'm at a loss myself..lol sorry I know this isn't helping you any....well I guess one thing I've discovered is trying to do, or say things, in different ways sometimes brings on different results. But it's hard, especially when you've built up a wall in yourself to just "always do this when he does that" sorta thing.
I think the best thing is to pray to God that He helps you figure out different ways to behave-to change yourself- with dealing with your husband and hopefully something will click.


In any case, we can become bitter towards any other people, not just our husbands, so it is a problem with trying to regulate our behavior to how we should be living. First step is thinking things we can do to improve ourselves, and just trying to do it little by little, and add more things we can do if we are succeeding.
Anyway if you want, feel free to pm me, maybe we can talk more and encourage each other :)

[karenoka27]

First of all I would like to welcome you both to the board! There are many godly ladies here who may be able to encourage you.
I am also in an unequally yoked marriage. I could relate to the first poster.

So what to do? We are Christians and yet we struggle with these feelings.
First, 1 Peter 5:7-"Casting all your care upon him; for He careth for you."

The word for casting is "epiriptō" which means to throw upon, place upon.
It is normal for us to feel this way, what we need to do is throw our feelings upon our Father in heaven Who cares very deeply for us. You can tell Him anything, pour your heart out to Him. He hears us.

Then what? We need to go to His Word and find out what it is He requires of us.
1 Peter 3:1-"Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;"
For years I wrestled with this verse, I just didn't understand how I could be quiet and submissive when "he" was not! I finally surrendered after many years... Be quiet, if your husband needs you be there for him, you are his helpmate. That is how God sees us. I believe with all of my heart that being a wife is a calling from our God. And a high one at that!
Praying for you both!:hug:

[itzme]

I know this is not very spirtual or nice, but what I struggle with is how "I" have to restrain myself, how "I" have to reform my thoughts, while he gets off scot free from God.

ahem-I do know the above is wrong, but I still can't control that part of me.

Submitting to him, that I do, but it just gets me so upset that I get nothing back from him.

sigh.

[karenoka27]

:hug:I understand more than you know. Funny thing..one day my husband said to me, "No one gets away with anything." hmmmm....

My husband is a good man, and a good provider. But when one person in the relationship does not have a relationship with God, it hurts.

[itzme]

Also it is hard hard hard to think that God wants me to do the right thing, that that is the most important thing for me to work on while I see nothing happening to my husband who gets to go on as he pleases.

double sigh.

I need to way to redo my thought patterns to get away from the anger and bitterness in the face of a constant niggling.

I have found limited help in forcing myself to do the right thing, no matter how I feel inside, but I hate have this yucky anger in me.

[Iliana]

I finally surrendered after many years... Be quiet, if your husband needs you be there for him, you are his helpmate. That is how God sees us. I believe with all of my heart that being a wife is a calling from our God.

You really did this? Be quiet even though he hurts you and doesn't apologize? Can you give us some tips on how you achieved that perhaps? :D
I know Bible versus do help, but if there is anything else you did..please share if you can :)

[Iliana]

I know this is not very spirtual or nice, but what I struggle with is how "I" have to restrain myself, how "I" have to reform my thoughts, while he gets off scot free from God.




Well, the way I look at it is just this: I want to follow the right path, and that's the path from God. Regardless of what others do, if I can do that I know I'll be donig the right thing. I hope that others around me, especially my loved ones, will do the same-but if not, there's only so much I myself can do. It's up to them. Never stop praying for them or trying to help them if they let you.

And don't just think he "gets off scot free". In the end God will judge us all, and hopefully before that, he'll come to realize things.

[karenoka27]

This is how I came to the conclusion to be obedient to 1 Peter 3:1. I finally came to understand that we each have to stand before God alone. I give an account of my life. I will not be able to say, But God you didn't tell me what I should do in handling these difficult times with my husband. Our Father will say, "But I did, I told you to submit and be quiet!" :rolleyes:
If we argue with the Word of God, we will be lead to either obey or disobey what He tells us to do.

I often think of how my treasure is in heaven.

[Momof5]

One major, major thing is prayer. Talk to the Lord about your innermost feelings. Pray continually for your husband, for his salvation. Like Karen said, CAST your cares on Him because he cares so much for you.

Submit yourself to the Lord...walk with Him and talk with Him - you will be amazed at how much He will change you. You can't change your husband, but with God nothing is impossible!

I've been married a long time and some of the journey has been difficult but God has kept us together through it all. It isn't always easy but it is so worth it.

[itzme]

I realize that I am responsible to God for my actions so I am trying to address these problems with maturity (and a knowledge that I can indeed do better and the fact that I am not innocent in the matter either). I do realize that my husband does not have to support and love of God to help him in such an intimate way, and that is kinda sad, because it is a lovely thing to have. I would like him to have it to, not just for his salvation, but just because sometimes he is sad.

Just last night I read the book "Walk Out Woman" that did help me. He suggested taking his book, reading a chapter a week and committing to praying for your husband for 15 mins a day.

It helped me somewhat, today I focused on my actions, I went out of my way to be kind. I think it is a matter of making sure each step of the day is kind and keeping my anger in perspective, I am not always angry, but it is easy for my to start getting angry at him and hard to turn off.

They had a list of things that happen bad in a marriage when things aren't addressed;
trust-can't relax with husband
dreams-stop making future plans
loose appreciation of good points
love replaced with apathy or resentment

The writer suggests paying attention to the source of the pain, choose to let go of the minor hurts, forgive the big hurts (there is a whole chapter on this) and give him a chance to repair the hurt

[Iliana]

Also remember that patience, and being slow to anger, kindness and such things are all virtues, and virtues are things that are learned through practice. So the more you "practice" the easier it should get..until it becomes like second nature, in your nature even :)

[Momof5]

Is this a Christian book?

The Bible also addresses marriage - whether or not our husbands are Christian. we are still to follow the Bible. The very hard things to get rid of is "I" or "me." If we follow Christ, we die to self - daily - and follow Him. As a Christian, this life is not about us, it is about how our lives and actions give glory to God!

Have you tried to make a list of 25 things you love (or even like) about your husband? Try it and see if you might see things a little differently.....

[itzme]

Yes, it is a Christian book. They have a website;

walkoutwoman.com

Pretty good read.

[karenoka27]

Like Momof5, I too have been married a long time...25 years. I don't know how long you have been in your marriage. We are not saying that it is easy, but life isn't easy.
God has called us to be obedient to Him. What helps me is that I am pleasing God even though I might be upset with my husband or hurt by him. When I am quiet, I am not adding fuel to the situation.
I have a lot of talks with our Father in heaven. I tell Him so often how I'm feeling. I also trust that God knows what I don't and He knows what is best for me. Would I want to be alone? no.
Making a list of the good qualities is a great idea. Make the list and pray over it. Ask the Lord to change your heart. It's so easy to ask Him to change the other person, but we are the ones that are being conformed into His image. As He changes us, it is amazing how He changes our attitudes as well.

[Soulangel]

Hello sisters, I don't have a lot of time to write in detail but I do understand your situations completely. The book by Stormie Omartion - The Power of a Praying Wife, is invaluable in a situation like this. My husband had anger like you wouldn't believe and I just wanted to get up and walk out having already had to live through a prior marriage, long story, and the Lord led me to this book -it worked! and is still working!

I understand how you can hide things and act like everything is okay on the outside, may I say to you, that you are only doing yourself damage because you are living a lie, which is eating away at your soul. God says very clearly that the truth sets you free. Whilst you can't go and unburden yourself on your husband you can have counselling or keep a journal to write down the feelings to get them out of your physical body, mental/emotional state, in order not to repeat them, then wash them away with some good scripture. That is, write it all down, and then repeat a good scripture over and over to help you refocus on the Lord.

It is important to keep your focus on today. This type of burden is satans way of trying to lock you into living in the past, to keep your thoughts/emotions repeating over and over past events. If you put a bit of effort in and let the Lord help you break the spirit of the past events by getting them out of your system through prayer etc. that I have mentioned, then you will move into living for today, one day at a time. God, then can take care of the bigger picture of your lives (He is already!!) and a good work will be done in your husbands as you will be good Christian wives that you are seeking to be.

I have to be honest , yes it takes time, but it's the one thing we do have:D so use it. God bless you dear sisters, we are all His work in progress much love and hugs ~ Soulangel:hug::hug::hug:

[cnw]

A few years ago my husband was the biggest jerk on the planet. I started reading books on how to deal with him and how to change him. Then Someone told me to pray for truth and fast. I thought I would pray for truth all right...
Well, I started praying for truth and found out that God showed me where I needed to change. It wasn't long after that I fell on my face begging God to forgive me for who I was. "the biggest Jerk in the world was me"!! What started by trying to change my husband turned into a cry for help from a God I thought I knew personally. A God who changed me that week into a woman my husband was in awe over.
I stopped arguing with him and started respecting him. I still hurt, but because of a different relationship with Christ, about 6 months later my husband got saved.
Many times I have heard other womens stories of crying out and fasting for their husbands and themselves that God would change and heal them. There is hope for your marriage. Romans 15:13 says God is the God of hope. May he bless you as you seek for this change you are looking for that he will bring you all the way through the fire.

[WalkingbyFaith]

I just picked up this book by Stormie Omartian "Praying through the deeper issues of marriage" I LOVE IT!!! It has helped my marriage so much and it talks a lot about communication which is one of our problems. It's all about praying for your spouse daily and how it really works!

[itzme]

I am the thread starter and I am still struggling with this. I try to reorder my attitude, but I can't. I am sure that my husband is a jerk, but I am equally sure that I am a jerk as well. I have been guilty the last few days of the same things that I orig posted about. Don't have an answer yet.

[Soulangel]

Dear itzme, I really feel for you, I've been where your feeling, sitting on that fence, looking in the mirror at yourself and seeing all the faults with a really brigt light that doesn't miss even one single thing that's wrong with you or your significant other, let alone all the combined differences.

So, how to jump over the hurdle? First of all you have to recognise that what is going on in your head is a lie. All of this negativity is a big fat lie that satan is trying to drag you into and get you to live and believe every single day. He wants you to wallow in it, bathe in it and truly believe that things won't change, they'll only get worse and what's more you can point out exactly when things went wrong and whose to blame.

First of all you need to remember who is in charge of your life - Our Father. Second of our all, He tells us to not live in the past,yesterdays gone, tomorrows not here, we've just got today. So all the thoughts have to go and you are the only one who can slowly but surely train your thoughts by saying no to them literally, that they have to be about this day only.

Draw strength from this scripture - Isaiah 41:9-10 I took you from the end of the earth, from its farthest corners I called. I said "you are my servant, I have chosen you and not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you, do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Also Isaiah 40:28-31 is very inspiring.

Mainly what you need to do is remember you are a precious child of the Lord, that is the truth, and the truth sets you free. You are loved and you are so precious to him, so precious he can number the hairs on your head.


Most of all hang in there and pray things will turn around for the best in God's love. ~ blessing and dreams Soulangel

[Momof5]

I am the thread starter and I am still struggling with this. I try to reorder my attitude, but I can't. I am sure that my husband is a jerk, but I am equally sure that I am a jerk as well. I have been guilty the last few days of the same things that I orig posted about. Don't have an answer yet.

Change doesn't always happen instantly...sometimes it is a gradual process. If you are trying to do this on your own, you will fail. But when we submit ourselves completely to our God, He will change us.

I am praying for you and your husband.:hug:

[itzme]

I was driving today (long commute) thinking about this, thinking that it all seemed so hopeless. I was feeling hopeless that I could see permanent change. I know the right thing to do, can repent of the sin, know the right actions, but still fail miserably, because I could not change my thought pattern, what's inside of me.

Then, the same thought that both of you wrote hit me. God does not think the above is hopeless, he does think that I can change, in fact he commands it. Its up to me to not wallow in the above thought pattern, and if I do think like it is true then I won't be able to change. So-during my long commute-I was praying about it.

Then I came home and read your too responses and went-yes-that is so true-reinforced what I was thinking.

If God can be for us, who can be against us----- I can do all things through Christ who-----Take my yoke----Not by power or by might---

I just have to remember that God thinks I can do it.

[Momof5]

I just have to remember that God thinks I can do it.

Actually, God does it....you just have to let Him do it.:hug:

[Soulangel]

Congratulations! Good on you for having the revelation that you can change!! You are working with the Holy Spirit and having insights as to how to move forward through this stage of your life. God gave us free will, we have to exercise it, thata is we choose which path we will go down, stay the same or let go and let God move in our life.

Now, what you need to do is pray every time you are getting your thoughts going around and around in circles and let God change them back to His truth and His ways. Walk in His strength, read from His word or sit down and write out some bible scriptures, this way they bypass your head and get written onto your heart and then your mind begins to find it easier to remember them. You will do really well itzme, good on you!!!!

[itzme]

Thanks for the replies. I don't have an answer right now. I can tell right now that since this will be a very hard thing to overcome I am not going to see any way out now. I am only clinging to the hope that God is there to help and guide me and that it is possible through God's help to grow through this. Hopefully in a few more weeks things will seem more concrete.

[RobbieP]

Hello....

I don't get here too often but saw the post and wanted to give some input.

My marriage started improving with the Lord's intervention. I prayed nothing about my husband's behavior. I prayed for his walk with the Lord but not in relation to me....just that he would be a mighty man of God for God's glory....I prayed for my heart change toward all people and things I needed to fix for my walk with God...

When hopelessness sets in Satan is trying to give discouragement and focus away from the Lord. When that happens I chase the thoughts away in the name of Jesus Christ. As supernatural as that seems...our walk with the Lord is supernatural. He is our Father and loves us and wants good if we follow Him...Just by allowing discouragement in our thoughts that it 'can't be done' is a sin of unbelief...It happens because our focus is us doing it.....He put you with your husband ...do you think He made a mistake? He has you in a position to grow in Him and follow Him and glorify Him....Do you think He can't do it? You can't but He certainly can....When I started looking at it that way...it helped tremendously!



We just went through a study ...Quieting the Noisy Soul by Jim Berg....I just learned the concept of "the sin of unbelief" and it has had a major impact in my life

...Last night it was explaining that just doubting God's forgiveness...and always questioning ..."well, did I say I was sorry sincere enough? should I do it again? ..maybe I should get on my knees to pray forgiveness?"...all those things I am guilty of when I don't feel forgiven is 'sin of unbelief' because I don't believe His word that says He forgives..He wants to forgive us..He wants us to be humble and ask for it....Not go through a certain 'process' and if we miss a step...."BANG! You aren't forgiven!"..The humble contrite heart is all He asks...Very eye opening....

I guess this is getting a little off but I'm just trying to say....study His Word....know it and trust Him....Don't focus on you or your husband doing 'things' ...Let Him and He can...Very hard to explain but what a BLESSING! and much easier way to live.....(most days....);)