Husband slipping by his pride

[orange]

This will be really hard to express in words and stay short.
My husband is a good person, but he is a very proud men. He credits all his achievements to himself, and always thinks he is right, even when he is not. He does not know Christ and does not want to hear me talk about the Christ.
Over the last years he has constantly done foolish things and made fool out of himself, but who does not do that? He still is the same to me. I have made a fool of my self many times, and try to recognize it so I can move forward and not do it again.



After our recent argument we have not talked much, except him stating to me that he knows what is the problem in our marriage, and it is that I have no respect for him. And he can’t live like this, there is no going forward.


Until now (5 years), I have been the one to comes forward and start reconciliation after a conflict, which is usually not an issue being resolved, but me feeding his pride with something that makes him feel good. It was the only thing that put an end to the conflict.



This time, and I do not know why, I did not feel that I needed to do it, but let him take the family, our marriage, in a direction he want to take it being the head of the household…. And the he came to me with the “marriage problem statement”.

The reality is, that it is not what I think, but it is how he feels. He has made a fool out of himself on many occasions, especially a big, super fool in event that started last argument and now it has caught up with him, and his own pride does not allow to admit, that it is his own actions that made him look foolish in his own eyes.
I do not want to go in the details of how conversation went, I will just say that in our discussion he went from telling me how he was in the bar earlier that night where different race people came in and he left because he could not stand them, to me being that race’s man lover, because I do not discriminate by race. :o

It is really hard for me to put a finger on it, but I strongly feel led by Word not to say a thing, just listen to him and let him take charge of this last conflict, but it is not going well at all. I have been praying to God for years to give me the wisdom of Godly wife, but is this it? I hope it is a way that God works this out for my husband, but it sure does not look good at this point in time.

I need your advice, and encouragement.
Especially on how to say right things to my husband, not to anger him due to his pride, but make him hear what I have to say.

[Lesa]

My dear sweet one
Do you know the number one thing that Satan and his demons use to frustrate christians? .. What ever agravates, hurts or angers them most. What ever will cause them to stumble and fall. Your statement of he does not know Christ and does not want to know Christ lets me know that he is lost and capable of being used by evil persuasion. As children of Christ we are filled with the holy spirit and can not be invaded by evil spirits even though we can be tempted (just as Christ was) by them.
Your hubby is dead spiritually.
I wonder if you knew he was lost when you married him? Were you still lost then? Or were you saved and became unevenly yoked? Regardless, I pray that, you being a Christian can realize the spiritual warfare that you are fighting. YOU are a threat to the evil realm because you pray and apply Gods word. Please see that the closer you draw to God the closer he draws to you. Please see that also incorporates the stiring of the evil forces.
Read EVERY scripture out loud (NOT IN FRONT OF YOUR HUSBAND) that pretains to pride. Then read out loud every scripture that pretains to mercy and humbleness.
Speak to your pastor. Have your church pray for you and your Husband you can do this by requesting unspoken prayer then you don't have to air your business. Find a seasoned mature sister and seek her advise and prayer.
Let me add your withholding your reconciliation in order to teach him a lesson will not work but will injure yourself emotionally. FORGIVE him of his pride. Forgiveness does not mean you agree with it, it means that you forgive him and will do what ever it takes to work it out.
I promise you that if you make his pride a matter of heart felt prayer, God will answer your prayer. Sometimes the answer takes a long time (which from your post has taken some time already) just don't give up. There could be a fruit in your life that you are to learn from this and believe it or not it could be that you haven't opened your heart to learn what it is.
Pray that you be shown any thing that stands between you and God. Pray that he show you what could be the problem with an unanswered prayer.
Then watch and listen as he will show you by word or action what the reason is. POUR out your heart.
RIGHT now your husband is lost and going to hell. This alone should make you look past any pride that he has and find compassion and my sweet one it sounds like you have your hands full and you may have to reach REAL deep in your prayer life in order to hold up under this lean on HIS righteousness not your own 1 Peter 5:7 cast it upon him. Because someone else's pride is real offensive to us who have been humbled by our Lord and Savior. I know you can do this.
Much love and prayers to you

[orange]

Lesa, thank you for your reply. I will be re-reading it again. But I did wanted to make sure that i expressed myself correctly, since you said "Let me add your withholding your reconciliation..."..
I am not withholding my reconciliation, I am talking and being very nice to him, but I am not smothering him as I usually do with "we got to resolve this issue asap".
Even our conversations are very minimal, he stays rude in his voice tone and I stay soft and polite.
I can not stand unresolved conflicts, and always try to find resolution through discussing the problem and what are the solution, and move on.
Ironically, as I felt led to let him handle all the initiative on resolving issue, take the lead on where he wants to go, he came back to me, not wanting to discuss or resolve anything, but just make his statement, and quickly leave to avoid any questions or discussions.
He does not want to hear to what I have to say, or I do not think it matters to him what I think. What matter to him is what he thinks. And I am lost in how to handle this with a good outcome.
Just like you said - the closer I grow in God, the further my husband wants to be from me. When we married, he did not attend church but said that he wanted to find church that we both can go to. he grew up in strict christian family, attended christian school, and would even try to impress me with that.
As time went by and as I kept asking about it, he finally said "do no ask me, I am sick an tired of everyone pushing religion on me".
This really does not matter right now, because he is what he is.

[Sold Out]

It is really hard for me to put a finger on it, but I strongly feel led by Word not to say a thing, just listen to him and let him take charge of this last conflict, but it is not going well at all. I have been praying to God for years to give me the wisdom of Godly wife, but is this it? I hope it is a way that God works this out for my husband, but it sure does not look good at this point in time.

I need your advice, and encouragement.
Especially on how to say right things to my husband, not to anger him due to his pride, but make him hear what I have to say.

"And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy.

But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace. For what knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband? or how knowest thou, O man, whether thou shalt save thy wife?" I Corinthians 7:13-16

The problem is not necessarily your husband's pride, it's the fact that he is unsaved and does not have the Holy Spirit living inside of him. He does not have a new heart. Nothing he does really should surprise you. He only has one nature (sin nature) so that is what leads his life. Until he humbles himself and puts his trust in Christ, there's not a whole lot that can be done.

You, as his wife, must tread this road very carefully. You are the only Jesus he sees. You must purposely look for ways to be Christlike to him, to love him unconditionally. This may win him to the Lord. He will sit around scratching his head, wondering why this woman is being so good to him? He will have no other choice but to give God the credit.

So my advice is this....say very little. Be submissive, not argumentative. Always keep in mind that his salvation is of the utmost importance - not your feelings. You may have to put your feelings to the side many times, and suffer some hurt. But wouldn't it be worth it to see him get saved? Never compromise your walk with Christ either. Just be faithful to church, bible reading, and most importantly pray, pray pray for your husband. He needs the Lord - that's the only solution.

[orange]

Sold Out, you share exactly my view. I have been "as his wife, must tread this road very carefully." as you said it very nicely, I word it as "feeding his ego" in my startup post.
And this is my approach, to say very little, be submissive, not argumentative, just like you recommended.
I do this not for my comforts but for him to be saved.
Thank you for your support. sometimes it is good to hear from another christian that they share the same view on situation.

As I searched on internet what Bible says about Pride, I found this website, Facing Pride and Arrogance (http://www.gospelcenterchurch.org/pride.html) that, interestingly, quoted the following checklist from " some medical/psychological authorities of characteristics that indicate that we might suffer from vanity, conceit, and pride:

ARE YOUR FEELINGS HURT EASILY?

DOES IT IRRITATE YOU WHEN PEOPLE DON'T AGREE WITH YOU?

DOES IT REALLY BOTHER YOU WHEN SOMEONE CORRECTS YOUR MISTAKES?

IS IT HARD FOR YOU TO ADMIT MISTAKES?

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE USUALLY RIGHT AND OTHERS ARE USUALLY WRONG?

DO YOU FIND IT HARD TO COMPROMISE? IS IT YOUR WAY OR NO WAY?

DO YOU FIND YOURSELF GIVING MORE CRITICISMS THAN COMPLIMENTS? ARE YOU OFTEN CRITICAL OF OTHER PEOPLE AND POINTING OUR THEIR FAULTS AND FAILURES, RATHER THAN THEIR GOOD POINTS?

ARE YOU QUICK TO JUDGE OTHER PEOPLE ON FIRST APPEARANCE?

IF SOMEONE HAS HURT YOU OR DONE YOU WRONG IN THE PAST, DO YOU HOLD BITTERNESS AND RESENTMENT AGAINST THAT PERSON?

DO YOU SEEK PRAISE FOR THINGS OVER WHICH YOU HAVE NO CONTROL (BEAUTY, TALENTS, ABILITIES)?

DO YOU FEEL OFFENDED OR NOT APPRECIATED WHEN NOT GIVEN CREDIT FOR SOMETHING YOU HAVE DONE?

DO YOU OFTEN COMPETE OR COMPARE YOURSELF WITH SOMEONE ELSE? ARE YOU ALWAYS TRYING TO DO BETTER OR HAVE MORE THAN SOME OTHER PARTICULAR PERSON?All these questions, if I can answer for my husband, it would be a solid Yes. Except maybe the first one, I am not sure.

Maybe someone else gets benefits from this list and link.

Then at the end it says:

WHAT CAN I DO ABOUT MY PRIDE?

1. CONFESS YOUR PRIDE AS A SIN.

2. HUMBLE YOURSELF IN THE SIGHT OF GOD AND ASK HIM TO FORGIVE YOU OF YOUR PRIDE.

3. ASK HIM TO EMPTY YOU AND FILL YOU WITH HIS HOLY SPIRIT AND ASK HIM TO USE YOU AGAIN!

But how to deal with pride of others? That's the advice I need.

[OneofHis777]

You don't is the answer. You don't deal with the pride of others you don't deal with any of there problems, you love them no matter what they do. You love them like you love your kids if they do something wrong you still love them. You love them like a friend if a friend says the wrong thing or does the wrong thing you forget about it and love them anyway. You have the same problem as most married women do saved or unsaved you want your husband to be the way you want he to be and that is wrong.

God is the one that decides when and where to fix someones problems and I tell you what I bet God cares more about your husbands salvation and where he is going to spend eternity then whether he is a little arrogant.

The best thing you can do for you and your husband is to take the focus off of your goal of changing him into the man you want him to be and start loving him like you God loves him and like you love others for what they are.

Don't worry one of the first things the devil trys to get christians to do is judge people and start pointing fingers so people will think their hypocrites. God is the one who santify's people he commisions us to bring the good news and to let our light so shine before men that they see our good works and they glorify our Father which art in Heaven.

[orange]

OneOfHis777, very wise words, thank you.

I have heard from my husband that I try to change him.

I have a few things that I feel I need him to change to accommodate the marriage and family needs, here they are.

Please let me know if I am wrong to ask him of this...

Is me asking him to call me and let me know if he is coming home late (later then 9pm, usually he is home at 6pm) or if he does not come home at all , is me trying to change him?
He thinks he does not have to "report" to me, and I am trying to change him.

If the kitchen sink is not working, stopped up, and he is out with his friends eating in the restaurant for 3-4 hours, while saying he has no time to fix sink... ... for weeks. When I take it apart after 3 week waiting on my husband, fix it , he is unhappy , because "I said I will fix it, you are trying to wear the pants!"

He said to me,actually wrote in the email, that he wants to separate, create distance between us, because being separate is easier for him. And , as he said, "eventually you will move on". Meaning that I (me) will move out and get divorce.

I find peace in knowing that God is in charge and allows this to happen for a reason.

But it really hurts, because I am willing to stay until the end for the better or worse, and work on issues. but he is not.

His requirements for the reconciliation was: you show me that you respect me, by allowing fully to discipline the kids.
I have a daughter 10 yo.
Which I have not had any problems with his authority, but not when he is in rage. He has very short temper, and especially if he had some beer, he get in range. That is no time to discipline a child. I said up front that I will not allow him, when he has lost control over his cool to discipline the child.
Because I know that time will come around, that he is drinking, is upset, and wants to be the disciplinary, and I will stand up against that.
Next thing that I will hear is "you do not have respect for me since you are standing up against me, my authority"
Am I wrong?

Sorry. it came out so long. If anyone ever reads this and has some thoughts you want to share, I would really appreciate.

[Lesa]

Hello again dear one

I can only imagine the grief you are allowing yourself to go through. I thought I would give you some what if's: and choices:

What if you lived by your self?
Would you have had to fix the sink?

Am I saying that you should have had to fix the sink? No, I am not saying that.
What I am saying is when you married your husband did you not know any of these things about him? Did he not act the same way while you two were getting to know one another? Did he not go hang out with his buddies as he does now?

Those are some hard questions but either you originally accepted him as is or he has changed in a different direction then when you two were married. That's why the statement is for better or for WORSE.

Back to the what if's?
What if your choice was to fix the sink or never see your husband again?

What if your choice was to tolerate what your see in him as pride and arrogance or not have him to talk to at all?

What if your choice was having him at home part of the time or none of the time?

Now sometimes when we readers read these posts we can read a more serious situation into the words we see and sometimes we don't read them with the intensity that they should be read with. I am thankful for the moderators that over see these things. To try to explain, my sweet one ...JUST how serious is this attitude, is it abusive? just how serious is the disiplining of your children while he is drinking? If either of these are really bad then please speak with some of the moderators I am sure their wisdom is beyond what either one of us can understand. So please keep that in mind.
Now on the other hand if you (maybe) are taking it a bit more serious then it actually is then read on a and maybe we can work together and come up with some scriptural help.
These scriptures below are in reference to the statement to you about you will move on eventually

1 Corinthians 7:15 (http://www.blueletterbible.org/kjv/1Cr/1Cr007.html#15) But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such [cases]: but God hath called us to peace.

Matthew 19:9 (http://www.blueletterbible.org/kjv/Mat/Mat019.html#9) And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except [it be] for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.

That being said from our Heavenly Father and his Son I will let you ponder those.

The next approach I think is if you truly want to work things out as far as you are concerned (if you want to try to keep you two together and be able to say I think I did all I could do) Then you might want to read or read again the story of David.
Saul (I know its not the same as a wife or husband but hang in here with me)
Saul was very mean to David. On many occasions. David expressed his love for his Heavenly Father and for Saul by being overly kind and humble.

That is one approach

Heres another you can look at his pride as an handicap and I am not saying that to belittle your husband. I am a firm believer in a submissive wife as well as I am a firm believer in a husband that treats his wife as Christ does the church. However, when you are dealing with unevenly yoked couples this becomes lop sided as well. So you have to carry the cross in this (NOT wear the pants)And that means to subject yourself to praying for the fruits of the Spirit and praying over 1 Corinthians chapter 13

More from the history of David.
2Sa 9:13 (http://www.blueletterbible.org/kjv/2Sa/2Sa009.html#13) So Mephibosheth dwelt in Jerusalem: for he did eat continually at the king's table; and was lame on both his feet.


Some one had to care for this man Mephibosheth he either had a wife or a concubine since he had a son we can safely assume that someone took care of him and his son other than just the servants because he had and son some how. Can you see the dedication something such as this would take? When someone is handicaped (and I hoping you can look at the pride and arrogance along with the spiritual state that he is currently in as being a handicap) it takes a lot of work. Alot of humbleness, patience, love and kindness.

2Sa 9:12 (http://www.blueletterbible.org/kjv/2Sa/2Sa009.html#12) And Mephibosheth had a young son, whose name [was] Micha. And all that dwelt in the house of Ziba [were] servants unto Mephibosheth.

Ask yourself the what ifs' and choices questions. Let me say from a personal point of view you don't want to look back with regret. And further more being most important you don't want to be held accountable for not doing what you are supposed to come time for judgement.
It's one thing to convince ourselves that we did all we could do but when we stand before the one that did it for us....we might want to make sure we have done all we could. And sweet one for you that just might be fixin sinks and having no phone calls about what time or if he's coming home.

Is that right for him to do those things??? NO, it's not, those things are totally unacceptable as far as a christian man is concerned.
You don't have to agree with it but you just might have to accept it.


As far as the race discrimination goes Christ himself would not have you compromise that we all have one ARTIST that created us. But you are not going to be held accountable for what he says or what he does on his own accord.

[karenoka27]

A few years ago I led a Bible study on a book called the Politically Incorrect Wife. One of the things that every woman was asked to do was to ask their husband if they would rather their wife love them or respect them. Every woman came back and said their husband would rather be respected.
I think of Proverbs 31:23-"Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land."
I believe that he is respected among the men because he is also respected in his home. This gives him the confidence needed to go out there and do what he needs to do.

Trust me, I'm not the greatest wife and I'm learning a lot every day.

Men are proud, it's who they are and it's not all a bad thing. I think God put it in them. If they weren't they wouldn't believe they could go out and win wars and football games...whatever!
The pride that is not good, God knows their heart. He is their judge. I am learning that I need to do only what God calls me to do, and I believe that is to respect him....even when he is foolish. Love covers a multitude....

[Dragonfighter1]

I have heard it said(quoted) many times:
"Husbands LOVE your wives
Wife RESPECT your husband"
That the Bible expressly points out, by different word use, the key to that sexes needs -why fight God!

My step daughter had been having problems with her husband (married 5 months) not trusting her. Wouldn't let her go out with her girlfriend/neighbor.
I told her that she didn't show respect easily to anyone in the time I knew her before she married, and that she should try respecting her husband, asking his opinion instead of announcing her own choices, and letting him lead where he felt the need to. In short after a very short time of her doing this he changed his style of communicating with her. When she asked his opinion before choosing for herself he almost always deferred to her preference! All along what he craved without knowing it was respect, and when he didn't get it he responded with suspicion and distrust. hmmm. There's an eye opener.

I think it is therefore a window in man and womens souls. Regardless of salvation that men need respect (not to be confused with ego) and women need love (including trusted, affection and kindness).

[orange]

Thank you Lesa, Karenoka and Dragonfighter ... you all have given me wise words and Biblical advice.
I need that.

I know that God is working on me, and I need to stay focused on what God is doing with me, then everything else will fall in places.
Thank you.

[karenoka27]

I have heard it said(quoted) many times:
"Husbands LOVE your wives
Wife RESPECT your husband"


I think it is therefore a window in man and womens souls. Regardless of salvation that men need respect (not to be confused with ego) and women need love (including trusted, affection and kindness).

Colossians 3:19-"Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them."
Ephesians 5:22-23-"Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and He is the Saviour of the body"(ie.respect).
I love what was shared about men needing respect and women needing love..I too believe that this is true regardless of salvation. God created man and women with different needs and for the purpose that we would help and encourage one another.

Good post!

[DaniHansen]

I can strongly recommend a book called "Love and Respect" by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. It is completely Biblical and has helped my husband and I tremendously.

Yes, wives are to respect our hubbies. The reason that is, is because men equate respect with love, and respect is the language they speak to one another. The can deal easier with being unloved than they can with being disrespected. And obviously, that is because God has made them that way, or the command to respect them would not be in His Word.

And husbands are to respect their wives. Because us womenfolk thrive on love, and that is our primary language. We can deal easier with being disrespected than we can with being unloved. And obviously, that is because God has made us that way or that command to love us would not be in His Word.

And so I have had to learn about that, and look at all the areas in my own life where I was being disrespectful to my husband, especially when other people were around, and my husband has had to realize where he was being unloving towards me, and we have both been working on that, with God helping us to obey His Word in that regard, and it has made all the difference in the world for our marriage. It really has.

I'm not sure how that would play itself out with an unbelieving husband, but I would put first things first, and obey God there and seek to strengthen your marriage, and trust Him for your husband's salvation.

[Sold Out]

Sorry. it came out so long. If anyone ever reads this and has some thoughts you want to share, I would really appreciate.

Here are the hardest words that I've had to hear (in regards to dealing with an unsaved loved one or one that is out of their race spiritually)...


"Just love them and let God fix them." Sheila Walsh, WOF Conference 2004

Very, VERY hard for me to do. Takes a lot of patience!