Marriage on the Rocks

[ph33r]

I am writing here because besides for the counseling I am seeking through the pastor of our church I do not know where to turn.

To get a couple of the basics out of the way first I am a believer who recently really started to dedicate his life to Christ about 2 months ago but has been "saved" since I was 15. I went through many immorral relationships was married before for 2 years. Met my current wife had an immorral relationship got pregnant, got married. For the first year we fought all the time, I was a perpetual liar due to a lack of self-esteem I would always want to seem special so I lied. When we found out she was pregnant I dropped out of special forces training (my life long dream) and then things just got worse, my lieing pushed her away and made her bitter and her pulling away from me made me desperate. I came upon a girl in my class who I created a sinful relationship with and later committed adultry with. We split up and got back together I stopped talking to the woman but continued different sins such as lying, lust, and others, but no more adultery.

As time went on I came across a set of teaching that basically said you must confess your sins to your wife so I did that and then I began a course for sexual purity. Since then I have come to know the Lord much better and am winning the battle of my past through his grace.

However, no matter what I do it is not good enough for my wife. She expects me to be the spiritual leader of the household but if I slip up at all she blows up on me. I don't know how to verbalize what I am experiencing. She won't read her bible or come on this forum during the day like I ask her to. She won't listen to me when I try to lovingly point out what is wrong she just tells me I need to get myself right before I can tell her what to do. But its not that, I can see how satan is attacking her because he used to attack me. I try to make things right and be patient but its so hard. Its like no matter what I do she finds something to be mad about, there is nothing but negativity in our house. I just wish I could find out how I am being that causes this. I go to work come home and take care of the kids all night. I read my bible in the morning pray, do my purity course and I try really hard to have patience (it takes alot to make me angry but when I get there I explode). I don't know what else to do it seems so hopeless she says she loves me but doesn't like me at all.

We have two little kids and I don't want to loose my wife and I don't want them to be without a "family".

Any advice is appreciated.

[Sonia Smit]

Dear P,

First of all, I want to say that to place a thread like this takes real guts, which tells me you are on the road of healing (I believe that you are).

Secondly, I don't want to defend your wife, but I do want to tell you, she's been hurt (by you which you admitted). Being hurt is not the nicest feeling, especially to us woman. Being betrayed is the worst thing that can happen to us. It makes us feel that we are not wanted, and it gives a huge blow to our self-esteem, making us feel less than our worth.

I am very glad that you confessed your sins, but you must give her time to process the information - although you must start showing her that you really mean what you say. She really needs to see a change in you before she can start trusting you again.

What you can do from your side, every morning when you spend time with the Lord, pray for her, pray for her healing process to start, pray that God will soften her again and that she will forgive and forget (which is really hard for woman :lol:). Don't nag her, because the moment you start doing that she will get aggitated by you, and she will throw your past at you.

What you also can do. Everyday, write a scripture down for her that will build her, leave it on her bedside, or if she is at home, stick it to the fridge, there where she can see the scripture everyday, everyday a different verse though. When you are at home, put on some gospel music, soft and relaxing music that will give the Holy Spirit time to work through - it will change the mood in the house and before you know it she will be calmer.

Remember this will take time, as the saying goes "Rome wasn't build in one day!"

I really keep you in my prayers :pray:, both you and your wife, together with your little kids (which is a great blessing from God!). Keep your wife in your prayers and never loose sight of the Lord, He is our saviour and our healer, and I do believe in time healing will happen. Also remember, not our time but God's time!

God bless!
:hug:

[Soulangel]

Dear P, We women are really good at hiding when we are hurting and not wanting to come out and play anymore until we've processed that hurt. Sonia's suggestions are really great. You really have to approach all of this with the attitude of no expectation for a while because your wife will not be feeling safe enough to open up to you at a deep level. She will be wondering if she opens up to you are you going to do the same thing again and is she risking getting herself hurt again BUT she's also giving herself a hard time about not trusting you again because she can see you putting in such a concerted effort so she will be beating up on herself for not being able to trust you.

So do you understand the mental torture she's in at the moment?On one hand she feels she can trust you but on the other she can't and it's driving her nuts - all this on top of being a mother and wife and trying to do these roles well. Not an easy lot.

The cure is LOVE. Love breaks down brick walls around hearts one day at a time. Love comes in all the little things you can do for her with love and no expectations, just simply being there and helping out and saying thank you for all she does and so on. Love is letting go of control and letting God work in His time the healing of her heart and trusting Him to heal her heart - you know the saying, it won't happen overnight, but it will happen.

If you added up how many days you sinned and doubled it, and gave God that long to heal her heart, would you be in such a rush for your wife to heal right now? The condition didn't happen overnight, the healing won't either. God is more interested in our character shaping, and that takes time.

God bless you for all you are doing, you and your family will be in our prayers. Soulangel:pray:

[Emily]

Wow!! I feel for both of you in this situation. You confessed your sin of adultery and Jesus forgave you :pp, but for your wife this is not so easy. Its very difficult for women to get over these things. Your wife has a biblical cause to let you go and move on with her life. You can never forget (especially when she is being particularly difficult) that she chose to stay with you. I'm not trying to be rude here :) and I hope you don't take it the wrong way. I think its important that you remember, she chose you. So even when she is screaming at you about how you did this-and-that wrong again, remember that she chose you and that her anger right now is coming from a place of extreme pain. Yes you are going to have to take it for now. Sorry, but you did make the decision to have an adulterous affair and now you have to pay the price for that if you intend to keep your family together. Things will get better, and in time your wife will forgive you, but it will probably take a long time (I'm thinking at least a couple of years) for her to feel at peace in your relationship again.

Your wife must be a very strong woman and a loving mother, and she obviously loves you a lot. I don't know her but I already admire her because I don't know if I could have made that decision myself. Adultery is extremely personal and an ultimate betrayal for many women. For some a deal breaker. I'm saying this for more than just a pat on the back for your wife, I'm saying this because you need to realize how difficult this must be for her and that this isn't a thing she can just let go of and move on from. It will take time and Christian counseling and yes going to church and studying the Word. Without a foundation in Jesus it will be so hard for her to let go of this and truly forgive you and move forward.

But I pray for the sake of your marriage and for the sake of your children that you both make it. I pray that Jesus will give you the strength, love and tenacity to pay for your mistake and repair your marriage. I pray that Jesus will patch the wounds of your wife's heart so she can forgive you. I pray too for the sake of your children that your marriage will not only be repaired but will gain strength and multiply in love from having endured and thrived from this hardship. When things get difficult, think of your children. There is nothing like growing up in a home with your parents, who love each other. They are memories your children will cherish for the rest of their lives .

That's something my dad impressed in me my whole life, until he breathed his last breath, just how much he loved his family. He was my ROCK. :cry: My parents had very VERY difficult times when they were younger. Problems not unlike your own, their marriage falling apart, they came back together, maybe for the sake of their children, but with a foundation in Christ their marriage not only survived, but was blessed. When my dad passed away he and my mom had been married for almost 58 years. He passed away holding her hands and looking into her eyes, surrounded by all of his children. Surrounded by love and family and prayer--thats the kind of peace you just can't buy. And at the end of the day, isnt that what life is about?

You can do it. :) Don't ever give up!! God bless you both. Your family will be in my prayers. :pray: Please keep us updated. :)

[unkerns]

It will be hard for her to get over this and completely forgive you.

I would say invite her to pray with you or read the bible with her, but dont try to drag her into it. Show her through your actions, and keep the communication going between you too.

Communication is very important at this time becuase you'll need to communicate to her the help you need getting through this.

Its also good to have a church body behind you, go to some bible studies maybe even some married couple studies and have church.

read through 1 corinthians 7 (together if possible)

Most of all trust in the Lord

[forgiven84]

I read this and i completely related to both sides. my husband and i have both strayed from the relationships and have been in and out of christ it seems. recently we seperated and i seemed to just give up and do whatever i thought would make me feel better, including adultery. we are now back together and i have confessed my sins to god and know im forgiven. my husband says he forgives me but its harder for him. we are definitely not as close as we used to be. i just pray about it every second of the day it seems and that makes me at ease more. but i have also been on the other side. where i realized how i was treating my husband because deep down i felt angered at him for his drinking and lustful ways. he was trying the hardest he could to be a good husband and he would slip up and sin and i would never let him hear the end of it. it took me messing up to realize how i was treating him for his wrong doings. that stinks but thats how it happened. i believe the only thing that kept me sane was praying, praying, and praying some more. we also have a very close relationship with our preacher he's a very dear friend and he counsels us from time to time. just hang in there and dont give up. but since your wife is only human and she says shes forgiven you, sometimes it lingers and it will take time. but absolutely trust in Jesus. he will lead you through it.

[jponb]

Soft Words..... use them. Keep this in mind, it is hard for one person to argue by themselves. A lot of times, negativity comes only to get a negative response out of you. If you give into it, the battle is won in their eyes. Sonia Smit made some great points in her post. Trust is fragile. Once trust is broken, it can take a long time to reestablish it. The best thing would have been to never had broken it at all; but after we have already done it; we must endure to repair it. Lead by example. Pray...pray and pray some more; but not for your sake; but for righteousness sake. This is something that I had to learn. As it took you a long time to accept your deliverance and healing, know that it might take her some time as well. I can associate with being patient and then finally losing it... I would throw up the white flag:giveup: and allow myself to be sucked into an area of disagreement I don't want to be in. Somewhere alone the line, I would realize what I allowed to happen and again soften my words;eventually leading to the wrath being swayed away. Keep letting your light shine. This draws attention to the Source of your light dwelling within you.

[Sold Out]

We have two little kids and I don't want to loose my wife and I don't want them to be without a "family".

Any advice is appreciated.


1) Take any hand and put it in front of you.
2) Place firmly over your mouth.

Right now, your actions are going to have to speak louder than your words. The healing of your wife's heart is going to take time. If arguments arise, immediately place your hand over your mouth. Don't fuel it. Humble yourself and serve your wife. Purchase books that will assist you in repairing your marriage and show you how to love your wife like Christ loves the church.

The first thing I would do is schedule a date night and take her to see the movie 'Fireproof'. Have you heard of it?

[livingwaters]

Good advice from Soldout!!!!!:pray:ing for the strengthening of your marriage and family relationships. Love them little kids~~~~~:hug:

God Bless all of you...:)

[ph33r]

Thanks to everyone who took time to respond to me.

It is a tough situation but lately my wife and I have been having some really great conversations about God and I'm loving it. I have been blessed on this 3 week trip I am on (I am in week 2 here in Phoenix) with 2 Christians who I have deep theological talks with.

My wife are starting Christian counseling when we get back with one of our pastors. I am struggling with some things spiritually right now,
1) My role as a husband and father bibilically.
2) My role as a believer
3) My feeling that I am not doing enough as a Christian.

My wife and I definitely have a communication barrier, but I have to say since coming back to Christ I have a love for my wife that I have never felt for any other woman in my life. I have done so much hurt though to her that at times it is overwhelming and I feel so depressed. I feel at times life I have made a mess that will never be fixed. I just try to absorb myself in Christ constantly whether it be through thoughts, listening to christianrock.net, fellowship, or bible reading.

I guess it's just going to take time. I do have an immense desire to minister to my wife when she gets angry but I have yet found a way to do it without upsetting her.

[Soulangel]

Thanks to everyone who took time to respond to me.

It is a tough situation but lately my wife and I have been having some really great conversations about God and I'm loving it. I have been blessed on this 3 week trip I am on (I am in week 2 here in Phoenix) with 2 Christians who I have deep theological talks with.

My wife are starting Christian counseling when we get back with one of our pastors. I am struggling with some things spiritually right now,
1) My role as a husband and father bibilically.
2) My role as a believer
3) My feeling that I am not doing enough as a Christian.

My wife and I definitely have a communication barrier, but I have to say since coming back to Christ I have a love for my wife that I have never felt for any other woman in my life. I have done so much hurt though to her that at times it is overwhelming and I feel so depressed. I feel at times life I have made a mess that will never be fixed. I just try to absorb myself in Christ constantly whether it be through thoughts, listening to christianrock.net, fellowship, or bible reading.

I guess it's just going to take time. I do have an immense desire to minister to my wife when she gets angry but I have yet found a way to do it without upsetting her.

Thanks for letting us know how you are going, it's good to hear that you are moving forward in your journey and taking steps, good positive steps together. I'll give you an analogy of healing. I once read it would take me five years to heal from my sexual abuse memories and I said "no way, it's not going to take me that long" because I put in so much work and effort, but no matter what you do, healing does take time. Wounds go deep, and God is so interested in our character, that you have to learn to trust Him. It's our society that teaches us that everything is instant, so I guess I want to give you the knowledge of a road well travelled, that God will keep you in His grace, just don't worry about the time factor!!!

I know how it's difficult not to give yourself a hard time, you're speaking to someone (amongst millions) who used to be a pro at it. But I learnt that that voice in my head wasn't my voice, it was the voice of shame, and I learnt to tell it to get lost as it was not part of my soul, part of who I am, part of God who made me to be. You are doing so much, smile, and be blessed that you are taking action and the love you feel for your wife is such a beautiful gift from God. I know because I have it with my hubby, I never knew what love was 'til he came along.

Cherish her and she will heal simply from you cherishing her.

God bless you ~ Soulangel