How Do You Recover From Adultery?

[SaveKoKo]

Hi everyone. I'm new to this site and hoping to get some guidance, bible study and maybe even a friend. My biggest issue is my marriage. I'm a married mother of 4 who has been extremely serious and devoted to my walk for the past 5 years. I've been married for 4years to a husband who refuses to stop cheating. Everytime I catch him he swears he loves me and that he was not trying to hurt me or try to leave our marriage. I can't take it anymore! I understand the forgive and forget of a marriage and that God says to forgive seventy time seven but just when I forgive him for one encournter, out comes another. He meets random women on the internet and engages in adultery, either in the car, hotel, wherever. One affair has lasted for a few years with a woman who would fly to our state several times a year to get a hotel for them. I only recently found out about her although they've been involved since 2005. I find the love letters, cards, inappropriate photos and him committing adultery with them. It is traumatizing and I am tired of being disrespected, neglected and abused.

My husband fathered 4 children by 4 different women prior to our marriage so over 80% of his income goes to pay their child support. He refuses to work 2 jobs to support our family so I am forced to provide. I've only met 1 of his 4 children because the other mothers refuse to allow him around their children.

All I wanted was for him to love me, provide for our family and continue to ensure that God leads our lives. I fell in love with my husband because he made it known from day 1 that he was a Christian and that God was his number 1 priority before me, and anyone else. While we were dating, he told me that if we were going to be serious that he wanted to pray together and wanted to get married as opposed to fornicating. I thought I had found the perfect man. He was loving, attentive, spiritual, gentle and most of all he put God first, yet from day one he was having affiars. Everytime I catch him with one woman, he just moves to another. Yet everytime I'm ready to walk he pleads that he loves his family and does not want a divorce. When I asked him why he does this, he says because he wants to and because he figures he isn't going to get caught, yet I've caught him at least 60 out of 100 times. Am I being stupip for trying to hang on? Everytime I pray for guidance, another affair pops up. Is that God trying to deliver me? Yet God hates divorce right? I understand that there are women who marry and they pray years and years and years and eventually their husbands change. How do I get through the pain in the meantime?

I pray, fast, cry, continue to be committed, but I just can't stand the pain anymore. I know God is capable of healing any pain, but my husband is not willing to stop so how can I ever forgive, forget and move forward. He claims he will stop and then I just catch him again. It is never ending and I am losing faith, as much as I hate to admit it.

I've read every biblical website I can find that gives advice about divorce. We've been to counseling at least 3 times. He always promises to stop but within a week or two is right back at it. PLEASE HELP ME. I feel worthless. I was on the verge of suicide. I have already been through several bouts of depression and spent time in a mental hospital. I can't explain the traumatic feeling of seeing photos that he has taken while in the middle of committing adultery and just leaves these things in his briefcase for anyone to find. Including my 13 year old son who thought the cd was a dvd movie and saw the photos too! PLEASE PRAY FOR ME, TELL ME WHAT TO PRAY, TELL ME WHAT TO DO because I'm about to lose my faith completely.

[brakelite]

First off, I am terribly sorry that you are going through this. And I am also sorry that I feel that I must say that your husband is a liar. He does not love you. Nor do I believe he is a Christian. Yes, God hates divorce, but He hates adultery even more, and allows for divorce in a case such as yours. Sorry, but get away from that selfish fornicator and let God be your Husband. He will be faithful and cherish you like no-one else can.

[jponb]

My Dearest Sister,
God's strength is made perfect in your weakness. Trust Him and lean on Him. First, let me say that I would never give the advise to anyone regarding getting a divorce. I feel this is a personal decision that one has to decide on their own; however, adultery is an acceptable ground for divorce with God. Just wanted to answer that question from your post. As for the pain you are experiencing, I am familiar with it. There is a nagging crawl going on on the inside of your heart. This drives you crazy. Your emotional dam have broken on countless occassions. You pray and you ask God to fix your problem (your husband). You love him with all of your heart and only wants to be loved back in the way you feel you deserve to be loved.
First I want you to ask God to clear your mind so that you can hear from Him not from you. Ask Him to give you peace in the midst of your storm. If you keep your mind on Him, He will keep you in perfect peace.
As for your husband, he has to want it for himself. Truth be told, there is not gaurantee in that department. He could change next week, next year, or never. You stated that he was a Christian. Were these mere words used to attract you? If not, he should be aware of loving you as Christ loves the church. I am not going to dwell too long on him; but rather give my focus to you.

Suicide is never an option. You stated earlier that you have four children. They need you; but not only them, but others need you as well. Someone out there is going to want to know your story, how you made it over. Your Valley experience is a testimony waiting to happen for someone who is going to need it. Yes Koko, there is a testimony inside of you. I know it is hard to deal with the pain now... again, I have been there. But seek God... in scripture... in song... in conversation...in Spirit and in Truth. He loves you Koko. God doesn't hurt people... People hurt people. God wipes away their tears.

[Ethereal Spark]

Forgiving does not mean saying what the person did to you is okay. It's letting God deal with them as He pleases. It isn't letting that person keep hurting you. We are to turn the other cheek, and you've done that-- notice God only gave us two cheeks. And forgiveness is not letting that person's sin against you influence your life. Obviously what your husband does is affecting you; to the point of contemplating suicide. It's not good for you to stay in such a situation with such a person.

In the scriptures talking about forgiving, I looked up the word "forgive" in the Greek Lexicon. This is the definition given:
1) to send away
a) to bid going away or depart
1) of a husband divorcing his wife
b) to send forth, yield up, to expire
c) to let go, let alone, let be
1) to disregard
2) to leave, not to discuss now, (a topic)
a) of teachers, writers and speakers
3) to omit, neglect
d) to let go, give up a debt, forgive, to remit
e) to give up, keep no longer
2) to permit, allow, not to hinder, to give up a thing to a person
3) to leave, go way from one
a) in order to go to another place
b) to depart from any one
c) to depart from one and leave him to himself so that all mutual claims are abandoned
d) to desert wrongfully
e) to go away leaving something behind
f) to leave one by not taking him as a companion
g) to leave on dying, leave behind one
h) to leave so that what is left may remain, leave remaining
i) abandon, leave destitute

It's not what most people think it is. And in Luke 17:3 & 4 there is a stipulation: "if he repent, forgive him." The definition for "repent" in the same Lexicon is:
1) to change one's mind, i.e. to repent
2) to change one's mind for better, heartily to amend with abhorrence of one's past sins

Obviously, your husband hasn't changed his mind about committing adultry. Not only is he hurting your heart, but what about STD's? Some of them are incurable. And what is he teaching your son? The Lord does not expect you to put up with this kind of thing. Your husband has a serious problem that's going to catch up with him one of these days.

There is no way I'd stay with a man like that. He's not the person he pretended to be before you were married. It's obvious he doesn't care about you at all. He knows it hurts you. Yet he doesn't stop.

I knew someone who was in a bad marriage but she didn't want to get divorced, so she prayed that if it was the Lord's will that they get divorced, he would leave and she wouldn't have to. One week later, her husband left. He was cheating on her and moved in with the other woman.

I'd definitely get a divorce. The Lord does allow divorce in the case of adultery.

One more thought: if someone came into your church and started destroying the tapestries, burning holes in the carpet, beating the altar to dust, and chainsawing the draperies... would you just let them? You are God's property. You should be treated as such.

I am praying for you.

:hug:

[Merton]

Hi,

Your willingness to live with that will allow your son to do the same.

By your allowing the situation to continue, that is in not separating yourself from it, will allow your husband to continue as he is. He wants both worlds.

He should be required to make a choice between the two because according to the Bible no matter what a man thinks he is, it is what he does that determines where he ends up.

I know how a mans mind works, but it is because he is damaged through years of sin bought on by someones' elses neglect of him, and the wicked worlds urging, and his own failure to make a stand by his own will, but somewhere along the line he has to accept that God has made provision for his healing of heart and mind and unless he seeks it out and ceases from sinning so that God can do something for him then he will never recover.

People have to stop buying the cigarettes and be willing to suffer for it before God can help them.

The same goes for most problems because wanting something without paying a price themselves, at least something, shows that they do not have any value of it, that is they really do not care about what sufferings Christ went through on our Fathers behalf in order that it it was made possible to be helped from such a destructive way of living.

It may well be possible that without his evaluating the eternal price which your husband might have to pay, then he might never come to his senses and appreciate what God has already paid for him, and it is only just that a man should pay some sort of price now for his wayward life to get the ball rolling, because even some hardened criminals have come to their senses when they are imprisoned and become thankful for it because they know what a powerfull drug that sin is.

Peoples only hope is that see value in Christs death for them and start showing some appreciation to Him for it, and they can start by taking a stand against their own habitual sinning which may take some time to get over, but in struggling against it while seeking God in all of the ways He can teach us then we find that eventually we become the man or woman that God wants us to become without giving a thought of returning to what we once were.

It takes time, it is called redeeming the time. Ephesians.ch 4:17 to ch 5 verse 6.

Just one caution.

Do not fall into the trap of becoming the husbands outlet for his sinning, but at least be compassionate on the poor fellow. It is a terrible affliction which the world calls normal, and few are untouched by it, and many a woman has been no help to their man in this kind of problem, but often uwisely worsens the situation, which is also the case with some advice, so be guided by the Lord.

2 Peter ch 2.


Merton.

[threebigrocks]

Welcome to the board SaveKoKo!

The best place for your post is in our Counseling forum. I'll move it there for you so that it gets the attention you need.

[Hislove04]

I am so sorry you are going through this. You must seek the Lord, and continue seeking Him until you know what He is telling you to do. My thoughts are that you do need to separate. He is not capable of a relationship, from what it sounds like. Maybe, you could ask him to go to a livein program like Pure Life ministries. They have to stay for a least 6 months I think. Anyway, pray about it. If your husband really wants to stop, he should be willing to do whatever it takes to stop. If he is not willing to do whatever it takes, then you do need to decide whether or not you can live with this.

[Literalist-Luke]

First off, I am terribly sorry that you are going through this. And I am also sorry that I feel that I must say that your husband is a liar. He does not love you. Nor do I believe he is a Christian. Yes, God hates divorce, but He hates adultery even more, and allows for divorce in a case such as yours. Sorry, but get away from that selfish fornicator and let God be your Husband. He will be faithful and cherish you like no-one else can.You'll find very few people who hate divorce worse than me, because I was abandoned unwillingly by my ex-wife, but I have to agree with brakelite - it's time to move on and build a better life for yourself. I'm so sorry. God got me through my divorce and He'll get you through yours. There are better days waiting for you. Your divorce will not be the end of life as you know it. It will be the beginning of a new life. Look forward, not behind you. You'll be prayed for. :hug:

[RZ06]

I agree with it's time to move on. You don't have to "divorce" but you can separate from him.

The Bible does state you can divorce over adultery...and you have given him so many chances as well as trying to take action yourself (praying, fasting, showing a forgiving spirit). It's time to separate, I believe.

I know the devastating pain of adultery and I just can't imagine how my heart could deal with it repeatedly like yours has. My heart aches for you :cry:

By the way, it is possible to recover, but you can't when your husband is living the sinful life still.

Not only is he letting the devil have a free ride on his life, he's allowing the devil to attack you and your children. Your depression, etc. He's allowed evil into your home.

[Dragonfighter1]

You'll find very few people who hate divorce worse than me, because I was abandoned unwillingly by my ex-wife, but I have to agree with brakelite - it's time to move on and build a better life for yourself. I'm so sorry. God got me through my divorce and He'll get you through yours. There are better days waiting for you. Your divorce will not be the end of life as you know it. It will be the beginning of a new life. Look forward, not behind you. You'll be prayed for. :hug:

I knew there was a reason I likes you... Birds of a feather dude, Birds of a feather!

(painful here too)

(In a way I'm sort of glad though...Its nice to know its not always the man that is wrong)

[purpleita]

:B Does this look familiar? I sent you an email about what I am going through and I hope to hear from you. Look at this website also rejoiceministries.org (http://bibleforums.org/forum/rejoiceministries.org) and it can help you also. I have listen to messages and read post about other couples as well. There are men going through this as well and are praying for a change in their spouse. The couple who founded this divorced because of adultery. She prayed and believed and raised their children and he asked for forgiveness from Our Lord and his wife and left his adulteress and went back to his wife and they remarried and have witnessed to alot of people. Now myself, I have filed for divorce because I forgave my husband once and he did not stop so I filed. I got a lawyer. I have been fair with him but now it is time to take him to court. His adultery has made him a hard hearted, selfish individual. The adulteress who he talkes to the most went through a bitter divorce and she is like that so he has become that way also. And until he asks God and myself to forgive and confess what he has done, and repent I will not go back to that. Not just for my sake but for our children. We have 2. It has been painful to file but I have every right to. God can change things before the court date. And I have said to the mountain of adultery to depart from my marriage. I believed it has but Our Lord needs to change my husband's heart one on one. He has thorns around him in Jesus Name! I would not want to be in his position at all. I cry at times, but Our Lord has blessed me and my children and we are at peace and serving Jesus! In the state I live adultery is illegal and I know if we have to go before a Judge that God almight will be sitting in that seat and judging my husband for what he has done and make him pay. I was a good wife to him! He did not have to want for anything even in the bedroom and for him to treat me this way is abusive and evil. KoKo, you do not have to put up with it! None of us do. Men or women! Helleluiah!!!! Praise Our Lord!! He is a God of Justice and he Loves his children!!! Amen!!!! Selah. Oh my I feel the presence of the Holy Ghost!!!!! Thank you Jesus!!!!!!! Thank you Father!!!! For dealing with my husband and taking the strange women/woman away from him!!!!!! Thank you Father!!! Glory to God!!!!! Your are so precious!!! Your are so precious!!!! You are so precious!!!! You are so precious!!!! My Holy One!!!! I am praising him!!! Praise with me!!!!!! You are so Holy!!!! You are so Holy!!!!! You are so Holy!!!!!! You are so Holy!!!!!! My Holy One!!!!! You are so kind!!!! You are so kind!!!!! You are so kind!!!!! My Holy One!!!!! :kiss: One day this will be our husbands with us! IN JESUS NAME!!!! PRAISE JESUS!!!!! HALLELIUAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[thekels9]

I think that one of the first things you need to do is to realize that this is not just about him going back time and time again into this same lifestyle. Evidently, Satan has had such a stronghold on your husband, that this lifestyle has become an addiction. Check out www.beyondaffairs.com (http://www.beyondaffairs.com), www.bebroken.com (http://www.bebroken.com), www.bethesdaworkshops.org (http://bibleforums.org/forum/www.bethesdaworkshops.org) , www.faithfulandtrueministries.com (http://www.faithfulandtrueministries.com), and www.healingforthesoul.org (http://www.healingforthesoul.org)

Not a one of us can tell you to divorce or not. I think the primary concern is that your husband is broken from the chains he is in....and for the time being, I would suggest separating from him. So that your heart may heal some....it's got to be excruciating what you are going through, and living in it is keeping you from gaining any strength. Sometimes we can see better at a distance what God's will for us is than we are sitting in the midst of the shatteredness.

God bless you for seeking God in this...and not just running. You are a precious jewel.

[SaveKoKo]

I thank all of your for your kind words. You guys on this board are the only ones who have told me that divorce is okay. I know in Matthew it gives the reasons for divorce as adultery and abandonment, but in Mark says you can't divorce. Those that I turn to in person seem to want to persecute me because I want to leave. They make me feel bad for wanting a divorce and tell me that I am wrong. We have been to counseling a few times. This last time was through the church and we still call them up and they help us through situations, but I'm always told that I have to forgive and that God does not like divorce. I feel guilty, conflicted, and completely defeated by all this. It seems like he just gets a slap on the wrists and I get jumped on because I want a divorce. I truly do want to live my life according to God's word and since I originally posted my message, things have been better in the marriage. I can't say for certain that he isn't cheating because I don't work with him, and since I work nights and he works days, he has all night to do what he pleases. I read in a book recently. Daily Devotions For Couples, that we need to not look at it as if we are committing to our spouse, but instead to the sanctity of marriage. Even still it makes life difficult when the one person who expect to protect and provide and love you is the one person who seems to always want to kick you when you down and slap you when you get up. Either way, you guys have been really supportive and I really appreciate every word. Thank you guys. Glory to God!!!

[Literalist-Luke]

I thank all of your for your kind words. You guys on this board are the only ones who have told me that divorce is okay. I know in Matthew it gives the reasons for divorce as adultery and abandonment, but in Mark says you can't divorce. Those that I turn to in person seem to want to persecute me because I want to leave. They make me feel bad for wanting a divorce and tell me that I am wrong. We have been to counseling a few times. This last time was through the church and we still call them up and they help us through situations, but I'm always told that I have to forgive and that God does not like divorce. I feel guilty, conflicted, and completely defeated by all this. It seems like he just gets a slap on the wrists and I get jumped on because I want a divorce. I truly do want to live my life according to God's word and since I originally posted my message, things have been better in the marriage. I can't say for certain that he isn't cheating because I don't work with him, and since I work nights and he works days, he has all night to do what he pleases. I read in a book recently. Daily Devotions For Couples, that we need to not look at it as if we are committing to our spouse, but instead to the sanctity of marriage. Even still it makes life difficult when the one person who expect to protect and provide and love you is the one person who seems to always want to kick you when you down and slap you when you get up. Either way, you guys have been really supportive and I really appreciate every word. Thank you guys. Glory to God!!!SaveKoKo, I'm not trying to be hateful at your church or anything, but if they are unwilling to accept you as a sister in Christ just as completely after a divorce as they are before a divorce, then they do not understand the Gospel and are imposing on you a legalistic standard of judgmentalism. If that is the case, I'm not going to try to tell you what to do, but I'd be leaving that church.

You have seen for yourself that the Bible makes it clear that, even though God does hate divorce, just as we all do, He understands that in a case like yours, sometimes it's necessary. If that's good enough for Him in His Word, then it's good enough for me and it should be good enough for you. It should also be good enough for your church as well. If they don't agree with that, then they're not believing the same Bible that I am and I want nothing to do with them.

You make up your own mind, between you and God, how you need to handle this, and do not allow other people at your church to intimidate you into doing something different that will enslave you to a lifetime of misery and frustration at the hands of this man.

My prayers are with you. :hug:

[Literalist-Luke]

And just so you know, there are churches out there that do understand the critical necessity of accepting post-divorce people. The church I attend today is absolutely wonderful about it. We don't encourage divorce, rather we encourage reconciliation, which you have apparently given your best shot just as you should have, but when all other options have been honestly tried, we understand that a person who has been through a divorce is still just as much a child of God as a still-married person, and who are we to question Him?

I have no idea where you live, but I pray that there's a church nearby that understands this like mine does. :thumbsup:

[distraught]

I think you are prefectly within your rights via scripture to divorce him due to his adulterous activity. His lack of true repentance just makes it worse. Just one cheating incident would be enough of a reason if you wanted, though staying together is preferable if possible. You're allowing yourself to be abused and taken advantage of to the extreme, and I can't help but think God has something better for you, even as a single person. If you don't meet someone else, you're still better off. I've had times where I didn't realize what a negative effect something was having on me until things changed, and it sounds like you DO know what it's doing to you. Sometimes people are afraid to leave because they are afraid of being alone. They figure the person is better than no one at all. I hope that is not the case. If you are involved in a church, having that church family is a better option if you just don't want to be alone. They won't abuse you as badly, I hope, and if they do, find another church. You can also 'recover' perhaps by being around people who have recently gone through the same thing. There is a popular 'divorce care' program that many churches offer, typically on Sunday afternoon or evenings, if you are in a big enough town to have that offered.

[Lyndie]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I am even more sorry that people throw divorce in other's faces like its the worst sin of all. Yes, God hates divorce,(I couldn't find that scripture on the Bible search here) just as much as He hates all sin, however, people forget that God did "divorce" Israel.

Jer 3:8 (http://bibledatabase.org/cgi-bin/bib_search/bible.cgi?BIBLE=48&BOOK=24&CHAP=3&SEARCH=jesus king lord&Read=Read&FIRST=OK&HV=8) And I saw, when for all the causes whereby backsliding Israel committed adultery I had put her away, and given her a bill of divorce; yet her treacherous sister Judah feared not, but went and played the harlot also.

God is absolutely for reconciliation, too. But we cannot force someone to do something they refuse to do. I will pray for you to find a church that accepts you just as you are.

[Literalist-Luke]

God hates divorce,(I couldn't find that scripture on the Bible search here).

Just in case you're interested. (Not trying to play oneupsmanship or anything. :D

Malachi 2:16 - "I hate divorce," says the LORD God of Israel

[Lyndie]

Just in case you're interested. (Not trying to play oneupsmanship or anything. :D

Malachi 2:16 - "I hate divorce," says the LORD God of Israel

Thanks for finding that. I knew it was in there somewhere.

[distraught]

P.S. - Don't assume that a complete recovery is possible. I haven't had to face it, but I know I could never recover completely because of the broken trust. Even if I somehow decided to stay married, things would never be the same. I wish the best to anyone who sets that as their goal, but I know I could never do it. It's just not realistic. Forgiving and forgetting are two different things, and in the case of forgiving, I could never do it completely. And only God's inspiration could make it possible for me to stick around at all, even in a loveless, sexless, marriage, to keep the vow in God's eyes and to stay together for religious reasons, and/or due to loving that person too much to let them go. I don't think I could have sex with her again after another man went where only I was suppose to go. We would be just two people living under the same roof, but since God hates divorce, that's preferable, if possible. Most people either can't do it or wouldn't see the point. They'd say "I have a right to be happier with someone else" and get divorced in order to free themselves for the someone else.