1HOPE4U
Oct 14th 2008, 12:36 PM
I am a Christian and have been actively since 1996.
I am at such a crossroads in my life.
I have lived under the bondage of fear since I was a child.
The Lord has brought me thru many victories but that demon of fear is many-headed. Many times when I pray in the spirit I hear the word decapitate and I know now more than ever I am praying for the Lord to behead that demon, one by one. And He has been doing just that.
I was abused as a very small child, & at age 11 watched my mother try to kill herself and then I was accidentally shot 3 days later while she was still ion the hospital. I was drugged & raped at age 15 by someone I thought I could trust, abused my body with sex, drugs, alcohol & promiscuity for years after that.
My father was an alcoholic most of my life & did not sober up untiI I moved out at age 19. He died in 1995 from cancer. My oldest brother committed suicide in 2001 & my mom died in 2005 of cancer - so with all that said you can see how fear has really been able to have a hold on me.
I rededicated my life to the Lord at age 26 and have not been the same since. Of course I have been a work in progress but I am nowhere near who I was before. All the glory goes to God.
I moved in with my first husband at age 19, who after 6 months began to abuse me mentally & physically, and he would have taken my life, I’m sure, if I had not had the grace of God to leave him. I do have a son who’s almost 17, from that relationship, but had to let him go on 8/16/08 for an undisclosed period of time, as it was his choice. I felt the Lord’s prompting to let him go & trust Him with the rest. His father has been a bad influence on him and has brainwashed him towards myself & his step-father, but I believe the truth will prevail eventually.
I have been married for the last 11 years to my current husband. He is a singer/songwriter/musician and has fought tooth & nail to make it in the music biz his whole life. It has not happened yet. He will be 39 in March. He has had his hand on the door so many times but it has not opened to him yet. He was a finalist for Nashville Star but didn’t make the show and same for Star Search, Rock Star, Sara Evan’s Opening Act, and Kenny Chesney’s Next Big Star. He wants to move us to Nashville.
We have $4000/month in debt and we both have full-time seemingly secure jobs here - I carry our health insurance. Although we are barely making it, somehow we are making it.
We know no-one in Nashville.
I would be away from my family and my friends, and would be expected to be the primary bread winner during the day while he plays the clubs each night trying to get discovered - & I would not be able to go with him to all the time because of having to get up early each morning to work.
He had an affair at the end of ’06 that lasted 2 months after one of his last disappointments of not having a door open (Nashville Star). Although he broke it off & I have forgiven him, I still feel like the music is greatest love. I have felt like it has been a mistress in our marriage since the beginning.
He is currently a worship pastor in a small church here where we live. Even though it is a door we both know God opened to us when we needed it (he was laid off of his other job the month before) he says he is really not fulfilled there and continues to dream of making it big - and has not given the job his all and has admitted to that. He knows he is daily preoccupied with the others things that are more important to him.
He told me last night that he is willing to risk our credit (which was bad the 1st 6 years of our marriage but good for 5 years now) and everything we have worked hard for to chase that dream to Nashville. He has even considered filing bankruptcy so we can have a clean slate to go. I told him I can’t see God blessing that.
I don’t think I can do this anymore. I don’t think I can move to another state while I am estranged from my son and leave my friends, family, and everything I know to follow him. I feel like I have already done that for years. I feel like my life has been put on hold for the last 11 years while he figured his out. He has told me in the past that if I ever made him choose - the music or me - I would not like the outcome. I have never asked him to do that.
Don’t get me wrong, He has many good points as a man, and I certainly love him but I think he loves this dream more than me, more than God, more than anything. I have certainly made mistakes in this marriage too but I try to always right the wrongs & stay submitted to God.
I feel like I just need to let him go and trust God. He tells me that I am supposed to allow him to be the leader of our home and trust in his decision making whether I agree or not, but at what expense?
I feel like I can’t give him anything else with regard to the music and I am terrified of losing him or that I may be making the wrong decision. I got down on my knees in my office this morning and cried out to God asking Him to please speak to me and tell me what to do, that I did not want to hear my voice, the enemy’s voice, only His. I felt like He said “Let Him go & trust him to Me.”
We saw the movie Fireproof together last weekend and he cried during it but has not really talked about what it did inside him since. I thought it was such a powerful movie.
Thank you for listening – I know I rambled. I am just reaching out.
Thank you so much & God Bless you all.
I am at such a crossroads in my life.
I have lived under the bondage of fear since I was a child.
The Lord has brought me thru many victories but that demon of fear is many-headed. Many times when I pray in the spirit I hear the word decapitate and I know now more than ever I am praying for the Lord to behead that demon, one by one. And He has been doing just that.
I was abused as a very small child, & at age 11 watched my mother try to kill herself and then I was accidentally shot 3 days later while she was still ion the hospital. I was drugged & raped at age 15 by someone I thought I could trust, abused my body with sex, drugs, alcohol & promiscuity for years after that.
My father was an alcoholic most of my life & did not sober up untiI I moved out at age 19. He died in 1995 from cancer. My oldest brother committed suicide in 2001 & my mom died in 2005 of cancer - so with all that said you can see how fear has really been able to have a hold on me.
I rededicated my life to the Lord at age 26 and have not been the same since. Of course I have been a work in progress but I am nowhere near who I was before. All the glory goes to God.
I moved in with my first husband at age 19, who after 6 months began to abuse me mentally & physically, and he would have taken my life, I’m sure, if I had not had the grace of God to leave him. I do have a son who’s almost 17, from that relationship, but had to let him go on 8/16/08 for an undisclosed period of time, as it was his choice. I felt the Lord’s prompting to let him go & trust Him with the rest. His father has been a bad influence on him and has brainwashed him towards myself & his step-father, but I believe the truth will prevail eventually.
I have been married for the last 11 years to my current husband. He is a singer/songwriter/musician and has fought tooth & nail to make it in the music biz his whole life. It has not happened yet. He will be 39 in March. He has had his hand on the door so many times but it has not opened to him yet. He was a finalist for Nashville Star but didn’t make the show and same for Star Search, Rock Star, Sara Evan’s Opening Act, and Kenny Chesney’s Next Big Star. He wants to move us to Nashville.
We have $4000/month in debt and we both have full-time seemingly secure jobs here - I carry our health insurance. Although we are barely making it, somehow we are making it.
We know no-one in Nashville.
I would be away from my family and my friends, and would be expected to be the primary bread winner during the day while he plays the clubs each night trying to get discovered - & I would not be able to go with him to all the time because of having to get up early each morning to work.
He had an affair at the end of ’06 that lasted 2 months after one of his last disappointments of not having a door open (Nashville Star). Although he broke it off & I have forgiven him, I still feel like the music is greatest love. I have felt like it has been a mistress in our marriage since the beginning.
He is currently a worship pastor in a small church here where we live. Even though it is a door we both know God opened to us when we needed it (he was laid off of his other job the month before) he says he is really not fulfilled there and continues to dream of making it big - and has not given the job his all and has admitted to that. He knows he is daily preoccupied with the others things that are more important to him.
He told me last night that he is willing to risk our credit (which was bad the 1st 6 years of our marriage but good for 5 years now) and everything we have worked hard for to chase that dream to Nashville. He has even considered filing bankruptcy so we can have a clean slate to go. I told him I can’t see God blessing that.
I don’t think I can do this anymore. I don’t think I can move to another state while I am estranged from my son and leave my friends, family, and everything I know to follow him. I feel like I have already done that for years. I feel like my life has been put on hold for the last 11 years while he figured his out. He has told me in the past that if I ever made him choose - the music or me - I would not like the outcome. I have never asked him to do that.
Don’t get me wrong, He has many good points as a man, and I certainly love him but I think he loves this dream more than me, more than God, more than anything. I have certainly made mistakes in this marriage too but I try to always right the wrongs & stay submitted to God.
I feel like I just need to let him go and trust God. He tells me that I am supposed to allow him to be the leader of our home and trust in his decision making whether I agree or not, but at what expense?
I feel like I can’t give him anything else with regard to the music and I am terrified of losing him or that I may be making the wrong decision. I got down on my knees in my office this morning and cried out to God asking Him to please speak to me and tell me what to do, that I did not want to hear my voice, the enemy’s voice, only His. I felt like He said “Let Him go & trust him to Me.”
We saw the movie Fireproof together last weekend and he cried during it but has not really talked about what it did inside him since. I thought it was such a powerful movie.
Thank you for listening – I know I rambled. I am just reaching out.
Thank you so much & God Bless you all.