Jealousy,Envy,Insecurity,and Anger

[EaglesWINGS911]

^ So that is basically what I am dealing with. I am jealous of anyone who gets near my fiance pretty much. Most of his friends are guys and most (except for one) of his female friends are married or married to his guy friends. All of them are Christians, none live near him, and he doesn't talk to other women like he does me. Yet I am jealous. Afraid of somehow losing him. With the past incident with porn, all the things that had happened before I had forgiven for..the stuff that happened long before we even met. He had been on a few "dating" sites that were basically hookup sites and he dated a stripper a while back before we met. Nothing happened though, the only woman he has been with was his ex girlfriend from high school. Yet somehow in my mind, I am dealing with feeling I NEED to "measure up". He assures me I don't, tells me how gorgeous he thinks I am, how much he loves me..and I believe him. Yet I feel like I'm competing with other women for him. It's ridiculous! I'm the one he is with, I'm the one wearing the ring, getting the phone calls, the hugs and kisses, and yet I feel like I don't "measure up". We had a really dumb fight last night over something that happened 4 yrs ago..before we were together, it wasn't terrible, but it was in bad taste that he mentioned it and I was thoroughly ticked off that he even remembered such a thing. He admitted it was tacky and apologized, as did I for jumping his case like I did.
The thing is, he isn't ever jealous of me..at least if he is he never shows it. I don't have "close" guy friends either, and I'm careful not to do anything that would harm our relationship. I think he is somewhat careful, but at times he just doesn't think,even before he said what he did, he said "i hope you won't get jealous...." which to me, if you even have to say that...it's probably best to just keep it to yourself.
So I am having issues with this and with being jealous of others. This past weekend, Oct 11, was supposed to be our wedding date...but because of financial trouble we couldn't get married. This was also the wedding date of one of our friends and I saw the pics last night and started crying...I was jealous. And it was an ugly side of me that I'm not happy about.
So how do you deal with jealousy other than choosing not to think those kinds of thoughts, and praying for the person?? :confused

[cheech]

First you have to think about the reason why you are feeling these emotions. Maybe the stuff you thought you forgave really is just hovering in the back of your mind somewhere. Then when you bring up stuff that happened before you were even together, you are correct regarding insecurity. How were you before you were with him? Did you have any problems whatsoever with insecurity, jealousy and the like? Any problems with rejection? Could even mean with friendships and family life.

Yes, if he says "I hope this doesn't get you jealous..." and then says it...either one of two things...he is feeling convicted and must say it or maybe it makes him feel love in a way to know you get riled up a bit over this stuff. Then again, maybe he just doesn't think when he says it.

To me it sounds that even though you may have forgiven him, you aren't forgetting. When men have porn strongholds (or even women), they don't really realize the impact it has on the other person they are with. I know exactly how you feel...it can make a person feel unworthy or not good enough, ugly, angry, lack of trust, envious that other women are getting his attention even if it's looking at porn, and as though you just don't measure up. What you are feeling are all strongholds of your own. Fear of losing him is another one brought on by the porn situation. You have thoughts of "what if he finds someone else that looks better than me? He already had to look at other women through pornography". The thoughts are endless.

The firsts thing you have to do is determine your trust level with him. Has he stopped looking at porn? Does he show alot of affection to you (it sounds as though he does)? If he has changed in many ways, it may require you changing yourself and laying all of your issues at the foot of the cross. It requires going to God everyday, getting on your knees and turning it over to Him. Every time a hurtful thought comes to mind, and you know it's not true (he's probably doing this or that), cast it away in the name of Christ then give the hurt to God. The enemy wants to hold us back to our past hurts so we can never recover and move forward. If he's not really doing anything to cause you to feel insecure, then you have to start looking at yourself (which you should anyhow). Ask God to identify why you are like this, then begin praying for God to remove it. Start doing this now before you get married so you don't go into your marriage with all the baggage. He needs to change as well, but you have no control over him. You can only change yourself.

It takes time but changes can be made. You have to identify the main cause of your feelings first then work forward. Lots of forgivness is needed too.

[beckisted2004]

Listen to Cheech. Her post was incredible.

I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone in your struggle. Jealousy has been a huge issue for me. It sounds like your fiance and my husband have a lot in common. Before we were married, Daniel was out in North Carolina and it was hard. He worked with almost all men and only hung out with men, but whenever he mentioned women that he'd encounter, it would drive me crazy...especially because he was hit on. A lot.

Cheech is right about finding the source of your feelings. It's the only way. I was unconsciously holding grudges against him for things I thought I had dealt with long before. That meant I was blaming him for my feeling jealous. I remember feeling it so often, but there was one day that I actually thought, "I wouldn't have to be jealous if you hadn't done such and such." That was a pretty big eye-opener for me. That was the first step for me to finally realize that I was the one in the wrong. When I finally was able to take the blame off of him and take responsibility for my own feelings, I started seeing the change.

Obviously, the feelings did not just magically disappear. I still struggle sometimes. My insecurity was the problem and it still creeps up, but instead of making excuses for my jealous feelings, I turned straight to God. I would write down and memorize verses focused on God's view of me. I would pray for Him to help me see myself as He sees me. I took control of my mind before it got out of control. I wouldn't let myself think, "Wow, she's so much prettier than I am" or anything else like that. Those thoughts start a horrible downhill spiral and don't help the situation at all.

You can beat this. :)

[EaglesWINGS911]

Cheech and Becky..thank you so much for your posts.
Yes, I have dealt with insecurity for probably 10 yrs before I met him. So this is a deep issue with me. He is very affectionate and sweet and very loving...and I know it really hurts him when I bring up the past, because he is still hurt himself from what he did to our relationship, still ashamed and angry with himself.
You're right..I've forgiven him, but I haven't made the choice to forget, and that's what is hurting our relationship..part of it at least.
Today I listened to a cd in the series Loving God, Loving Yourself, and Loving Others by Joyce Meyer. I also wrote down some verses to memorize and meditate upon. I realized today that one reason I am so insecure, and have this trouble with jealous and fear...is that *gulp* I don't accept God's love for me. Honestly..I don't feel anything a lot of times. I know that I am saved and I believe him and love him, but I have a hard time (esp. during difficulties in life) believing that God loves me without conditions..even when I'm not following Him like I should. I have got to work on that. Because I can't love others, can't love my fiance and can't be an effective Christian or person if I don't believe God really loves me. This is definitely gonna take time, but it's gonna be oh so worth it in the end..I can feel it :)

[Literalist-Luke]

Cheech and Becky..thank you so much for your posts.
Yes, I have dealt with insecurity for probably 10 yrs before I met him. So this is a deep issue with me. He is very affectionate and sweet and very loving...and I know it really hurts him when I bring up the past, because he is still hurt himself from what he did to our relationship, still ashamed and angry with himself.
You're right..I've forgiven him, but I haven't made the choice to forget, and that's what is hurting our relationship..part of it at least.
Today I listened to a cd in the series Loving God, Loving Yourself, and Loving Others by Joyce Meyer. I also wrote down some verses to memorize and meditate upon. I realized today that one reason I am so insecure, and have this trouble with jealous and fear...is that *gulp* I don't accept God's love for me. Honestly..I don't feel anything a lot of times. I know that I am saved and I believe him and love him, but I have a hard time (esp. during difficulties in life) believing that God loves me without conditions..even when I'm not following Him like I should. I have got to work on that. Because I can't love others, can't love my fiance and can't be an effective Christian or person if I don't believe God really loves me. This is definitely gonna take time, but it's gonna be oh so worth it in the end..I can feel it :)Do you ever read books? I have one to recommend that changed my life when I was going through a few things that have some similarities with what you are describing. It literally changed my life. I think it could do the same for you. It's Max Lucado's The Applause of Heaven. That book helped me understand and appreciate the true, unconditional, complete acceptance that we have before our Father in heaven through His Son, Jesus. When your Father looks at you (as long as you have Jesus in your heart), He doesn't see a sinner. He sees the best thing He ever made in all of creation - you carry His very image inside of you. You were created in the image of God Himself and you are the masterpiece of His creation. When He looks at you and sees the total righteousness of Jesus that He has given you (your sins are washed as white as snow and are removed from you as far as the east is from the west), He sees something that gives Him joy and pride. That's what you are to Him, not a wretched sinner. Tragically, very few Christians ever come to a real understanding of that.

The Applause of Heaven does a fabulous job of getting that across. You can get a copy of it from Amazon for as little as $0.99 (plus shipping).

You're in my prayers. :)

[EaglesWINGS911]

Thanks so much Luke (btw, my 5yr old nephew is a Luke :) ) I really appreciate that, you have encouraged me....I will be checking out that book since I am a HUGE Max Lucado fan!! Thanks again :)

[EaglesWINGS911]

How do you get over feeling like you're not as attractive or smart as other women?? I try reading my Bible, memorizing verses, df gives me compliments all the time...yet I still dont feel like I'm "good enough" in general,not just for him.
Which makes me think, who am I trying to find approval and acceptance from??:confused

[BrckBrln]

How do you get over feeling like you're not as attractive or smart as other women??

I have the feeling I'm not as attractive as Brad Pitt but we just have to accept it. :)

You have someone who loves you so that's all you need.

[cheech]

How do you get over feeling like you're not as attractive or smart as other women?? I try reading my Bible, memorizing verses, df gives me compliments all the time...yet I still dont feel like I'm "good enough" in general,not just for him.
Which makes me think, who am I trying to find approval and acceptance from??:confused

You have to realize that God does not base us on what we look like but who we are on the inside. When we start comparing and basing ourselves on other people instead of how God sees us, we put what others , think and feel over what God thinks and feels. Therefore, we need to then ask ourselves this...whose views are more important? God or others? Not everyone will love us, not everyone will think we are great, nor will we be smarter, prettier or all around better than others according to the worlds views. But remember, we are not to be of this world but of God's world and that is what we have to keep in mind. When we start comparing ourselves to others, we are still living in man's world, but when we start seeing ourselves as God sees us...then we are living in God's world.

Ask God to show you how He sees you. That is the most important thing :hug:.