Freedom from Sexual Sin - a vicious cycle

[breakingfree]

First I want to thank everyone for posting their testimonies. It has been a tremendous encouragement to me as I was feeling very alone and like an utter failure. I noticed that most of the testimonies were written by people who had been CHristians most of their life, and gradually fell into sin.
I have also been a Christian all my life and although my morals have always been strong I allowed sin to seep into my life until it completely messed me up. At 15 I experimented with my Christian boyfriend, almost everything except actual intercourse. That opened the door to struggles ahead, and a lot of guilt and shame. After we broke up I vowed to not even kiss another guy until I was sure I would marry him. I thought this would help avoid the temptation for more and the guilt that came after. I thought if a man was willing to wait until he proposed for our first kiss, then he would be the right one.
I've never been consistant and can be so strong one week but the next week the good habit I attempted to develop goes out the window and I'm back where I started. I dated a few Christian guys and we messed around a bit, and when I was rejected by one of them I went down hill, dating non-christians but never admitting we were dating. I knew in the back of my mind I wanted a Christian husband and wanted to stay a virgin for him.
I found myself in a relationship with a man I hoped, early on, to marry. He told me everything I needed to hear and filled the void that had formed from being rejected from Christian guys. The only problem was he wasn't saved and showed no desire to. I beleieved strongly that he would change, and continued to see him. One night, after a few drinks, we ended up having sex. It was just a little bit, but it was enough. I was so devastated, it wasn't how I pictured my first time to be. I wasted one of the greatest gifts God gave to me on a man I would grow to detest. Being with him made me physically sick especially when we would argue over Christianity, church, etc.He thought tithing was a waste of money and didn't understand why we had to stand in church to sing and prayed so much. He was brought up catholic and didn't have a relationship with God or Jesus.We were off and on many times, and finally the Holy Spirit allowed him to push me over the edge where I was able to finally turn my back on my boyfriend for good. He faked a HUGE Christian conversion but this time I told him I was happy for him, but we wouldn't be together. His true colors and intentions came out after only a few short weeks. He couldn't keep the act up.
I was angry at myself for investing so much in him. I had given him everything, and I think that's part of why I stayed. I didn't want to be a failure and have to admit I was wrong. But I got excited to start a new life and find the right man. I thought I had learned my lesson.
A few of the wrong guys followed this one...I was lonely and really only wanted companionship. But after a guy friend coming over just to talk, and after several drinks, it turned into a lot more. Because I had already had sex it was no longer such a big deal, and part of me was angry at myself and at my ex so I allowed it to punish myself.
When an encounter ended in date rape I realized that I was very far off the track. I turned my life around for good (so I thought) and for a few years I was doing great! I found a good Christian boyfriend and was staying so strong. Even when we broke up I thought I would continue to be strong, but my feelings of lonliness and rejection were stronger and made me a sitting duck for the next guy who just wanted to "talk".
I remember one who really liked me and I hurt him because I kept pushing him away. I would say we were only friends, then the drinks would come out, and things would happen. I got to the point where I was so numb spiritually that I would simply go home and put it out of my mind. I used to look over at him in bed and pretend I was married because that was what I wanted. I used to tell him that I didn't want to sleep with anyone ever again until I was married. He said he understood but kept putting on the pressure for sex. Usually I gave in.
I didn't want God to give up on me and I didn't want to quench the holy SPirit (that's the direction I was going).I just couldn't believe how far I'd gone since I was a young teenager taking purity vows.One day I found the strength that no matter how lonely and how much I wanted to be with someone, I needed God a lot more. I completely cut this guy out of my life. He wanted to just be friends but I wouldn't even allow that.I started reading my bible and praying.It was good to be able to pray and not have them filled with me begging for forgiveness. And each day is still a struggle. There are always teh "wrong guys" out there tempting me to releive my lonliness but I know what can happen and have finally reached the point where it's not worth it!!!
Like going out to the bar and getting wasted can be fun and pass the night...the next day is hell. If you're not sick and hung over you're anxious and depressed. You may be regretting things that went on at the bar or house party after.Still people keep it up until they wake up one day and realize all that crap is a substitute for true happiness, and it only brings temporary happiness and longterm brokenness.
Some people need to learn the hard way and I am one of those people.Satan loves to remind us what failures we are and cause us to lose hope in ever changing.
I read in a devotional about how sin is the yeast in the dough, and how you only need a little to work it's way through and take over your body. That's why things like porn, bars, dating non-Christians (or back slidden ones), movies that glorify or make light of sex, violence, and that use God's and Jesus' name in vain...are all things to stay away from! I've head people say that porn is natural and normal and can spice up a sex life. It can also corrupt minds, including minds of preachers and church leaders who allow a little to get in. Sex is addictive, and even if you don't enjoy it or hate yourself after for it you will keep going back. Alcoholics hate what they do but cannot help but going back. Sex is the same and it will MESS YOU UP. You always need more and will develop more perverted fantisies and stronger urges to fullfill them. The bible says it best..."FLEE sexual immorality."
Now any given day I can be doing pretty good until I allow a thought into my head. We are to take every thought captive and dwell on what is good, pure, noble and right. So if that thought doesn't fit that criteria, it has to go, or I'm in trouble!!!
I have never been closer to Jesus as I am now, and it has been a long and rocky road. I realize how much I need him, how I am nothing without him, but a big disappointment. My goal is for complete joy in Him. I know the devil tries to keep the memories alive in my mind and sometimes I dwell on them too much. They will only hold me down. Sometimes we dwell on them because we feel we don't deserve to be happy but God wants to forgive us and wants us to be free of our shame.
There is usually a deeper issue in sexual sin, I know there was for me. Self-consciousness, fear of rejection, needing to feel wanted and loved, and the big one...I didn't want to let anyone down. So many times I put what someone selfishly wanted before my own morals and values. I worried about disappointing someone else when I really should have been worried about disappointing God.
I hope this is an encouragement to you that while the spell isn't always broken over night, it can be broken as long as your willing to put God first and your own wants/needs and the wants of others last. It is a daily battle, but God is a loving God and wants what's best for us. In Him all things are possible.
I feel a tremendous feeling of unworthiness when I think of all he's done for me, that he chose me to serve Him and despite the bad job I've done of it He still wants me!!! That is a mind-blowing thing to consider when we all really deserve death for damaging his name. We will never repay him for all the blessings he's given us, but that doesn't mean we quit trying!!!

God bless u all!

[Forgiven Alaskan]

This is probably the most encouraging testimony I've ever read and may ever read. Because I struggle with sexual addiction and am constantly tempted to "give in". But I am realizing more and more that I need to be pleasing God not man, and not even putting myself in any situation that will tempt me. The only thing I need to be addicted to is Jesus.

It's so hard because to be honest, I've only had a week of "sobierty" but I know I just have to take one day at a time, one temptation at a time. And the key is not giving up and giving in. Because when we give in, we are actually rejecting God and i think that is when we trample the grace of God underfoot, when we remove ourselves from His hand, we also remove ourselves from His grace!

Thanks again breakingfree! So encouraging!

[third hero]

I would like to thank you both. As a man, it is much easier for us to fal prey to that temptation. Personally, it is a battle that I have to wage, rewage, and fight over and over again.

To be completely honest, all you would have to do is look at some of my blogs on myspace.com and see just how messed-up my life truly is right now. You know, I had serious problems before I ended up falling prey to sexual addiction. I really wish I had the strength, even back then, to confront the issues that drove me into this rut, and solved them in a manner that the Lord had taught me. Believe me when I tell you, I know just how difficult it is to come out of that sort of addiction.

Your heart becomes seared, and before you know it, you attempt to justify doing what you know in you soul is wrong. This is where I am at right now, and I am making no excuses for that. It is my hope and prayer that God wil deliver me from this addiction while He aids me in fighting the most important fight of my life, which is against a racist/prejudicial court system hell-bent on keeping my flesh and blood away from me, with no justifiable reasons.

Oh well, if either of you would pray for me, I would greatly appreciate it. I do not want to be that man who leads many to the Lord, and thus disqualify myself from the reward that one with my potential can gain from the Lord.

[Seeker of truth]

I am so glad you've shared this powerful testimony :hug: The Lord is so wonderful :cry: He can take past hurts and turn them into victories for us :pp

[breakingfree]

Thank you all for taking the time to read and comment. I will pray for you third_hero, because I know what you're going through. That is why my ID is breakingfree instead of brokenfree because breaking free of sin is an every day battle, and the Apostle Paul even warned that when we think are standing firm, watch out! I used to write verses like that on Post-Its and put them around my house, so that when I was tempted, I would stumble across one of them and be reminded that I didn't have to give in, and the guilt I would feel is not worth the temporary pleasure. Do not get discouraged, Forgiven Alaskan, or think any less of yourself for your week of sobriety. Think of each day as a victory, a step towards sexual integrity.
As a woman, sexual sin isn't something that's talked about. With men, it's a stereotypical "given" because everyone assumes all men think about is sex and its normal and natural to look at pornography. But I've seen in Christian brothers it has disasterous effects.
And third hero you are very right in what you say about trying to justify yourself for what you do. I have gone through this and had to remind myself what's right is right and whats wrong is wrong, no grey area.It's amazing what we do to clear our conscience. Doesn't work.
God bless you all, and I wish you strength in your journey!!!

[ph33r]

As someone who has had a deliverance from the addiction of sexual sin himself it is awesome to hear of others delivered from this addiction as it's destructive power is really up there on the addiction list. Just keep on trucking amazing things happen once you break this addiction.