Fiance porn addiction

[kellydawn1977]

Hello I am new to this board and looking for advice. This is going to be long so please bear with me. This past weekend my fiance admitted to a porn addiction. It all started when I was on his computer and found some posts he made. The first basically stated in so many words that he received "services" from another female. The other stated that he was looking for "services" when he goes on his next business trip. So I confronted him with this. He then says to me "I have something to tell you, then says, I am addicted to porn and have been since before we met." And that he never has cheated and never would and that the things he posted were a fantasy and part of his addiction. He says he thinks it all stems from an incident when he was a young boy and was molested (which I did know about). He says he could not tell me about the porn addiction because he was so ashamed. It has been 4 days since I found all this out and ever since he swears on everything that he's never cheated (his story has not changed either) and that this is the only thing he has kept from me. He says he would never cheat because hes afraid of sleeping with someone else, because of what happened to him. He says hes so sorry and that he needs help and is willing to get the help he needs. He already has scheduled and appt. with a sex addiction therapist and 1 with another 12 step program. And is also going to talk to a pastor (probably his grandfather who is a pastor of a baptist church).
Some background information on us. We have been together for 11 years and engaged for the last year. It's not that we hadn't wanted to be married to each other already, because we are truly committed to one another, but because of school and financial reasons. Maybe we should not be so worried about having a big wedding but we did want a regular wedding. I know that seems strange to you but that's how it is. Yes we live together and yes we've fornicated. I know this all to be wrong, and need to pray and repent and ask God for forgiveness. I am saying all of this because I do not want to give up 11 wonderful years! I love him with everything that I am and I know he loves me the same and dont doubt that. I am confused because it seems like everything I've read on this forum about this topic and on many many other websites says 2 things. 1.) That if we were married then we should get him help and go to counseling and work it out. 2.) but it seems when it comes to just being engaged and not married, everyones opinion and advice seems to be "run like the wind, and dont look back" And "whats going to happen if you do get married, it'll come back, what about any future children, is it going to hurt them, etc..." And I've thought about all of that but I still dont want to give up on us so easily! I am about to be 31 years old and want to start a family. We planned on marrying Sept. of 2009. Yes maybe I am scared of changing all this but its also because of the love we share and not wanting to give up 11 years. I think that is worth the fight, with Gods help.

[Sold Out]

Well, you need to know that porn addiction is more common than ever, obviously due to the internet. There are many people who come on these boards who are, have been, or know of someone who is addicted to porn. Satan has found a way to make it more accessible.

Now that's not to take away from the seriousness of porn addiction. It is an addiction just like any other. I believe it goes beyond just a physical addiction, to the very soul of an individual. It is a horrible form of addiction because the images are burned into that person's memory and can be called on at any time. This will be the biggest struggle for your fiance', because he will need to learn to see s*x in a pure form that is not fed by lustful images. Seeing as men are driven by what they see, it is a problem that is compounded.

There are many people who have been set free from porn addiction. In addition to counseling, I would suggest you help him locate a support group or ministry that ministers strictly to people with porn/s*x addiction. With the grace of God, he can be restored to s*xual purity and you can move on and get married. I agree that you don't give up on him. He's not the only one, and he won't be the last. Satan just found a way to get to him, just like he finds a way to get to all of us.

[DaniHansen]

Look at the bright side.

It's out in the open and so the two of you can unite and fight this together. If you're going to be married, it's important that you learn to deal with the good and the bad, so consider this training ground for your lifetime commitment that you guys are about to make. Trials are going to happen. It's how you deal with them that matters.

So many are secretly struggling with their addiction in the dark and carrying guilt and their spouses or partners never even know what is destroying their loved one. It's good that you know, and that you know now. Although your fiance hiding this for the past 11 years (and obviously successfully so) would make me go Hmmm ... what else is he hiding? And how could I have been this oblivious? Best to grab the bull by the horn and deal with it because obviously there are some areas in your relationship that need some working on. So, don't despair. Be of good courage, and take this as an opportunity for growth and laying a better foundation of the lifelong commitment you're going to be making. :)

[kellydawn1977]

"Although your fiance hiding this for the past 11 years (and obviously successfully so) would make me go Hmmm ... what else is he hiding? And how could I have been this oblivious?"
In response to this I wasnt completely oblivious that he was looking, I knew he did at times, I just did'nt realize how much/often, nor was he honest with me at how much/often. Also he keeps repeating that this is the only thing he has ever kept from me, and that he is'nt hiding anything else, and that he's sorry for hurting me and that he wants to fix this.

[OrangeKnight]

From what I can tell from what you have told us about yourselves I would say that his response is pretty normal. I can't say with any certainty, but from my experience I doubt he cheated on you. I don't know to what extent the two of you have discussed this but talking to him will really help! You mentioned you asked him why he did it which is important, but usually with this there are more then one reason and more often then not, its not what you think it would be. But possibly even more importantly then why he did it, would be why even though he claimed he was so ashamed; why didn't he talked to you about it?

As long as you willing to be understanding with him, and help him work through this I wouldn't throw away 11 years; everyone does stuff they are ashamed of, that doesn't make it right and we need to put those things behind us. But at the same time they affected who we are to today, and at the very least those in a marital relationship should be able to tell each other about such things.

If you take an attitude that says "I want to understand you and help you" rather then an attitude of "Disgust, Judgment, and thinking what else is he not telling me?" I think you will be much better off.

[EaglesWINGS911]

Hi Kelly, I've been through this, if you would like to hear my story and talk about this, please PM me and I know that there are a couple of other ladies who have been through the same thing. My story had a different ending than I wanted it to, but it is for the best. I really had a lot of deja-vu when I was reading it because so much sounded so similar to what happened to me. I will be praying for you and for him..remember everything will work out for the absolute best no matter what.

[turtledove]

Kelly and those who reply here.

I see, Kelly, that you are new to our forum so welcome to bibleforums. :)

I was glad to hear that your fiance' is going to talk to a pastor about this problem. I think that is also what you should do about this relationship, talk to a pastor.

You are sharing a problem which many face today; but I must share with you and remind those who reply that our position here on bibleforums does not condone living with someone in sexual intimacy outside of the commitment of marriage (fornication). Just so you know that we are basically a Christian (not a secular) forum so are to advice and help you according to biblical principles. but, we do try to listen and understand with love.

peace and prayers,:pray:

wiseoldowl...forum facilitator

[cheech]

I back up what wiseoldowl has said. We must adhere to what the bible tells us.

First, as was noted, porn is a huge stronghold (falls under lust) and a difficult one to give up but rest assured not impossible!

Matt 19:26
Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."

You've been together long enough to know you love each other. Plus he is now taking the steps to overcome the problem. Forgiveness is a must for both of you...you to forgive him and he to forgive himself. See this for what it is...a difficult stronghold just as you have strongholds of your own. Working together by including God in the recovery will bring great success.

[possumliving]

I know from experience what you are going through and I cringe.

My hubby just passed away in Sept.

Here's what is disturbing. YOU had to discover it and confront him on it.

So did I. And he swore time and time again that there wasn't anything more and there always was. He went through so-called deliverance, counseling, 12 Step, etc. He wasn't watching porn. He had a very avid fantasy life. And that's where the problem was. Even when we were together, I knew after awhile that anything he could imagine was better (in his mind) and more fulfilling than reality.

Hubby was clean for a lot of years but drug addiction does something to the brain chemicals and it is never the same again. I think that is why he was addicted to his fantasy life.

I would definitely use a great amount of caution before saying "I do".

Steph

[tayariswife]

I know from experience what you are going through and I cringe.

My hubby just passed away in Sept.

Here's what is disturbing. YOU had to discover it and confront him on it.

So did I. And he swore time and time again that there wasn't anything more and there always was. He went through so-called deliverance, counseling, 12 Step, etc. He wasn't watching porn. He had a very avid fantasy life. And that's where the problem was. Even when we were together, I knew after awhile that anything he could imagine was better (in his mind) and more fulfilling than reality.

Hubby was clean for a lot of years but drug addiction does something to the brain chemicals and it is never the same again. I think that is why he was addicted to his fantasy life.

I would definitely use a great amount of caution before saying "I do".

Steph

I have to agree with Steph here. It is concerning that after 11 years, it took your discovery to make him want to get help. Has he shared any ways or times that he tried to get help before you "discovered" him? He obviously has a christian background (you mentioned his grandfather) so he knew he was wrong...
Just from my experience, people have to want to get help for themselves, not for others or their love of other people. It is never effective when a person does things to keep someone else as opposed to getting help because they hit rock bottom...
I will definitely pray for you and your fiance. I know that through God all things are possible.

[HisLeast]

Stepping forward shamefully from the other side of the equation.

I had a decade long run with porn too and nearly destroyed my marriage in the engagement phase. Only by the grace of God am I talking to you as a married man, because the things I did would have destroyed our lives.

There CAN be deliverance. Its not easy. Its like starting over. For a long time there's going to be this cloud over your relationship. But, provided there's repentance, you will gradually build new memories, new trust, and new happiness. I say "CAN" because we're warned about this activity for a reason: at the very least it destroys trust, at the worst it destroys lives.

I'm glad your fiance is seeking professional help. I had to, as a stipulation for my fiance staying with me. I wish so badly I had done it years before. He's got a long hard road ahead, but I believe therapy is one of the most effective means of stopping the behavior. Better to understand why he does it, and tackle the problem at its root, then trying to do it on one's own and hoping and praying that he'll be able to stop.