what is the Christian thing to do?

[stillforgiven]

I need some advice with a family issue that has me and one sister at odds with our parents and other sister. We’re all adults, but one of my sisters and her 16 yr old daughter live with our parents. I have two sisters, and I’m going to only use their initials.


Here’s a little background…

L.G. has been in trouble since she was in high school, including being in prison just five years ago for cooking, dealing and using meth. I only say this so that those of you who know how addicts, can be, even clean ones, will understand what I’m trying to convey. While in rehab in a city 150 miles away, she met a guy who is also an addict, though also clean as far as we’ve been told. But he’s got some serious other mental issues that require medication that he can’t be trusted to stay on. About 18 mo. ago, my sister L.G. regained custody of her then 15yr old daughter from my parents and moved her to the other city to “be a family” with this guy and his two young daughters. In less than a month, we were rescuing them from him when he became dangerous. He was also sexually harassing my teenage niece, but never actually touched her as far as she's said.

Now he is trying to get back into my sister’s life, including moving to the city where she now lives with my parents.

Here’s where the dilemma starts. My other sister M.J. has 6-yr old twins, one boy and one girl who are still innocent. I say this because by this age, all three of us sisters had been sexually abused by one of our grandfathers and cousins, and my niece had been by her father. The twins are still innocent in this area, and my sister plans on them remaining that way. When she heard that L.G.’s bf is back in the picture, she told our parents that if he is going to be there on Thanksgiving, she and the kids won’t be. True, his pedophile-nature was to a teenager, but how are we to know he never touched his daughters, whom he no longer has custody of? As M.J pointed out, it only takes a minute for innocence to be stolen, and all of us were abused with other adults in the house at the same time.

When M.J. asked why L.G's bf is being allowed to just walk in and be “part of the family” again after all he’s done, our mom’s reply was, “It’s the Christian thing to do.” M.J. and I disagree. We agree that we must forgive. We don’t agree that Jesus would condone putting innocent kids in harm's way. M.J. and I don’t believe Christians are supposed to be doormats. Our parents think they are.

They have been told to choose between two daughters (and two grandkids) and the other daughter’s bf. And the reason I wouldn’t go if my sister doesn’t is that due to injuries from a car wreck, I can’t drive myself the distance it takes to get to my parents’, much less the trip back.

Our parents have a history of choosing others over us.

Now that I’ve given you the background, the question I am asking is about the “Christian thing to do.” Is it to invite this guy into the house no matter what his history is, even if there is potential danger to minors?

Thanks.

p.s. None of us can remember the last normal, happy Thanksgiving in our family, and I was really hoping this one would be. :(

[Ayala]

Forgiveness is to be given freely...Trust is to be earned. I would not subject my children to him, given his history.

[DaveS]

I'm sorry you're going through this, sf. This is one of those situations where its real easy for someone on the outside like me to say, Well of course you should do this or that. But I've been in enough of these to know that it isn't that easy when you're in the middle of it.

As far the Christian thing to do...I think the Christian thing to do is always the same, whatever the situation. Make sure your heart is right.

[livingwaters]

I agree with the above posters. WE are to protect "the children" at all costs!!! We are their only advocates....Amen. I was an abused child!!!!!

Until God leads you and your sister to respond differently or in another way, use the common sense that HE gave you!!!! Why can't your sister see these things?? Is she saved?? I'm just curious. Do your parents understand the behavioral traits that this man exhibits?? Do they want their granddaughter to be molested??? That is NOT the Christian thing to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!

God Bless:hug:

[gpmosely]

I need some advice with a family issue that has me and one sister at odds with our parents and other sister. We’re all adults, but one of my sisters and her 16 yr old daughter live with our parents. I have two sisters, and I’m going to only use their initials.


Here’s a little background…

L.G. has been in trouble since she was in high school, including being in prison just five years ago for cooking, dealing and using meth. I only say this so that those of you who know how addicts, can be, even clean ones, will understand what I’m trying to convey. While in rehab in a city 150 miles away, she met a guy who is also an addict, though also clean as far as we’ve been told. But he’s got some serious other mental issues that require medication that he can’t be trusted to stay on. About 18 mo. ago, my sister L.G. regained custody of her then 15yr old daughter from my parents and moved her to the other city to “be a family” with this guy and his two young daughters. In less than a month, we were rescuing them from him when he became dangerous. He was also sexually harassing my teenage niece, but never actually touched her as far as she's said.

Now he is trying to get back into my sister’s life, including moving to the city where she now lives with my parents.

Here’s where the dilemma starts. My other sister M.J. has 6-yr old twins, one boy and one girl who are still innocent. I say this because by this age, all three of us sisters had been sexually abused by one of our grandfathers and cousins, and my niece had been by her father. The twins are still innocent in this area, and my sister plans on them remaining that way. When she heard that L.G.’s bf is back in the picture, she told our parents that if he is going to be there on Thanksgiving, she and the kids won’t be. True, his pedophile-nature was to a teenager, but how are we to know he never touched his daughters, whom he no longer has custody of? As M.J pointed out, it only takes a minute for innocence to be stolen, and all of us were abused with other adults in the house at the same time.

When M.J. asked why L.G's bf is being allowed to just walk in and be “part of the family” again after all he’s done, our mom’s reply was, “It’s the Christian thing to do.” M.J. and I disagree. We agree that we must forgive. We don’t agree that Jesus would condone putting innocent kids in harm's way. M.J. and I don’t believe Christians are supposed to be doormats. Our parents think they are.

They have been told to choose between two daughters (and two grandkids) and the other daughter’s bf. And the reason I wouldn’t go if my sister doesn’t is that due to injuries from a car wreck, I can’t drive myself the distance it takes to get to my parents’, much less the trip back.

Our parents have a history of choosing others over us.

Now that I’ve given you the background, the question I am asking is about the “Christian thing to do.” Is it to invite this guy into the house no matter what his history is, even if there is potential danger to minors?

Thanks.

p.s. None of us can remember the last normal, happy Thanksgiving in our family, and I was really hoping this one would be. :(


Two words:
No.
Way.

The Christian thing to do now is to practice some VERY TOUGH LOVE as in protecting the children at all cost. Normally I'd say work it out with your family but you know what, quite frankly who would let a pedophile in the home knowing that two young children will be there? Really? I mean no disrespect to your family but that just defy's common sense.

Do you forgive the guy? Yeah sure, forgive but don't you dare forget because YOU know what its like to be harrassed and you don't want those babies to go through that. EVER.

Do not go, stand for what is right for your neices and your children and do NOT put your children in this situation. If your parents say something to you about it, you tell them that you BOTH have an obligation to YOUR families to protect them and this guy is very dangerous.

[stillforgiven]

Forgiveness is to be given freely...Trust is to be earned. I would not subject my children to him, given his history.

That's a good way to put it. Thanks.

I'm sorry you're going through this, sf. This is one of those situations where its real easy for someone on the outside like me to say, Well of course you should do this or that. But I've been in enough of these to know that it isn't that easy when you're in the middle of it.

As far the Christian thing to do...I think the Christian thing to do is always the same, whatever the situation. Make sure your heart is right.

My heart is waiting to see what happens, but I can't say it's totally right either. I don't like the guy, but I would be around him if I had to be. I don't have kids to worry about.

Ultimately, I just wanted a happy, family holiday again, and I feel that my chances are fading quickly. If they decide to not let him join us, we'll be treated like crap the whole time we're there.

The top side is I can help serve dinner at the Salvation Army or the other shelter we have. :)

[gpmosely]

please stand with your sister on this. Your parents need to know how important this issue is. What makes you think that the sexual harassment will stop at the kids? What if it turns to raping you or your sister or even your mother?

I know thats a horrible thought but you know what is stoping him? Being invited back into the family is like them saying: Oh so you molested our grandkid, that's ok come on in, if the opprotunity arises again go for it!

This is a very serious situation and I'm being very hard on this because you have to show solidarity so that your parents will realize that this is dangerous. FOR EVERYONE INVOLVED.

*hugs*

I just dont want to see you hurt

[stillforgiven]

I agree with the above posters. WE are to protect "the children" at all costs!!! We are their only advocates....Amen. I was an abused child!!!!!

Until God leads you and your sister to respond differently or in another way, use the common sense that HE gave you!!!! Why can't your sister see these things?? Is she saved?? I'm just curious. Do your parents understand the behavioral traits that this man exhibits?? Do they want their granddaughter to be molested??? That is NOT the Christian thing to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!

God Bless:hug:

No, this sister (L.G. with the bf) is not a Christian by her own words, not just by my opinion.

Two words:
No.
Way.

The Christian thing to do now is to practice some VERY TOUGH LOVE as in protecting the children at all cost. Normally I'd say work it out with your family but you know what, quite frankly who would let a pedophile in the home knowing that two young children will be there? Really? I mean no disrespect to your family but that just defy's common sense.

Do you forgive the guy? Yeah sure, forgive but don't you dare forget because YOU know what its like to be harrassed and you don't want those babies to go through that. EVER.

Do not go, stand for what is right for your neices and your children and do NOT put your children in this situation. If your parents say something to you about it, you tell them that you BOTH have an obligation to YOUR families to protect them and this guy is very dangerous.

Thanks. :hug:

[*Hope*]

The Christian thing to do is to protect the vulnerable and innocent. There is no way in heck I'd allow someone like this around my children (or anyone else's).

You also have to consider that someone who is attracted to children and teenagers is going to find a situation like that very tempting. Why take that risk? Over turkey?

[RoadWarrior]

.... My other sister M.J. has 6-yr old twins, one boy and one girl who are still innocent... When she heard that L.G.’s bf is back in the picture, she told our parents that if he is going to be there on Thanksgiving, she and the kids won’t be. ... We don’t agree that Jesus would condone putting innocent kids in harm's way. M.J. and I don’t believe Christians are supposed to be doormats. Our parents think they are.

They have been told to choose between two daughters (and two grandkids) and the other daughter’s bf. ...Now that I’ve given you the background, the question I am asking is about the “Christian thing to do.” Is it to invite this guy into the house no matter what his history is, even if there is potential danger to minors?

Thanks.

p.s. None of us can remember the last normal, happy Thanksgiving in our family, and I was really hoping this one would be. :(


Your parents have a right to choose who they want to have in their home. You and your sister have a right to choose whether you want to be there. I think you and M.J. should make a happy thanksgiving for yourselves, start a new tradition with mentally and emotionally healthy people.

It is quite likely that you cannot remember "the last normal, happy Thanksgiving" because there never has been one. You have been delivered from that. Don't go back into it.

The Christian thing to do is to seek wisdom. There is no wisdom in inviting a wolf or a snake into your home.

:pray: for you as you walk through this hard place!

[ServantofTruth]

I agree with DaveS, what matters is where your heart is, everything else will flow from this.

A church i am connected to had a paedophile living in the close, with the full knowledge of those in authority, but the congregation didn't know. Also another paedophile has been allowed at least twice to visit and talk - these are tried and convicted paedophiles on the sex offenders list.

Pray for everyone, yes EVERYONE, in this situation. (Matthew's gospel 5-7) But keep the children safe. I have 5 sons, i don't let any adult i don't know look after them or even have a few minutes alone with them, even at my house. Even those i know, are watched because most paedophiles know their victims.

Families have much going on under the surface, as it seems you recognise. Power struggles and baggage. Make it clear that YOU personally may be willing to meet this man, but the children won't be included. Love SofTy.

[stillforgiven]

I agree that I can't hold the past against this man, and if it was just me, I would be willing to be around him - I wouldn't like it, but I'd do it. If I had kids, I would be feeling the same way as M.J.

As for making our own traditions here in our town, if we must, that's what we will do. I think there may have been a few happy years when we were very young - at least the pictures reflect it.

Thanks again to everyone for all of the advise. :hug:

[BShorts]

I am in prison ministries through my church and I have seen men who have been convicted of murder and sexual crimes. I believe that some of them actually do give their lives to God. The guy you speek of may not be saved, but I wouldn't skip thanksgiving with my parents, because he is there. I have 5 kids and I would definately be cautious with him around. I think I would just keep my kids close or be where I could see the guy. I don't have a very good relationship with my parents, but I want to spend at least a couple hours with them for the holidays. You never know when you will never see them again. I would take every opportunity I had to spend just a couple hours with them to let them know I still love them. We are a military family so we don't get to see our family often, so that is where my opinion is coming from.

[cnw]

Your parents have a right to choose who they want to have in their home. You and your sister have a right to choose whether you want to be there. I think you and M.J. should make a happy thanksgiving for yourselves, start a new tradition with mentally and emotionally healthy people.

It is quite likely that you cannot remember "the last normal, happy Thanksgiving" because there never has been one. You have been delivered from that. Don't go back into it.



I agree. Make new memories and invite some older Christian couples that don't hve kids near by. Thats what we do. They love the young ones around and we love to serve them. It is a great time of fellowship and opening our home to others.
another option is to go to your parents and invite the local police dept over to enjoy turkey:D Horrible aren't I, wish someone did that when I was a kid.

[stillforgiven]

I don't have a very good relationship with my parents, but I want to spend at least a couple hours with them for the holidays. You never know when you will never see them again. I would take every opportunity I had to spend just a couple hours with them to let them know I still love them. We are a military family so we don't get to see our family often, so that is where my opinion is coming from.

My sister with the young twins and her husband are ex-military, and this is bothering her. Since they moved back here 2 years ago, things haven't been the best between her and our parents. There's no way I'll be able to talk her into going, though. If I could drive that far, I'd be there, but I'm not going to put this sister on a guilt trip. I'm not a mom, and I can't say what I would or wouldn't do if they were my kids. She's willing to give up time with our parents to make sure this guy can't hurt her kids. And it's not just the potential for sexual abuse. All he has to do is decide again to not take his meds, and we could be in another hostage situation.

Thanks for posting. I hope to hear soon what we're going to do.

[stillforgiven]

I agree. Make new memories and invite some older Christian couples that don't hve kids near by. Thats what we do. They love the young ones around and we love to serve them. It is a great time of fellowship and opening our home to others.
another option is to go to your parents and invite the local police dept over to enjoy turkey:D Horrible aren't I, wish someone did that when I was a kid.

If I end up an "orphan", I'm going to call a coworker that lost her husband just a month ago and has no kids. And if she already has plans, I'll probably volunteer at a shelter to help serve dinner.

As for inviting the cops, that made me lol! Thanks. :hug:

[DaniHansen]

The Christian thing to do is to honor your parents, who have the right to invite whoever they wish into their home. But that doesn't mean you have to be there.

Run for the hills, IMO. And be there for your parents later when the whole thing blows up, which, per your description, it probably will.

[stillforgiven]

The Christian thing to do is to honor your parents, who have the right to invite whoever they wish into their home. But that doesn't mean you have to be there.

True.

Run for the hills, IMO. And be there for your parents later when the whole thing blows up, which, per your description, it probably will.

That's what I'm worried about.

[DaniHansen]

That's what I'm worried about.

The other Christian thing to do is to understand that there is a problem (and probably not just one) and pray your little heart out, because somebody, somewhere, sometime has to grab the dysfunctional bull by the horn and drag it before God's throne so that it can be dealt with. :)