daughter just turned 18, still lives at home..

[arkangel66]

my daughter just turned 18, is a senior in high school and still lives at home. We are battling the "I'm an adult" syndrome right now. Tonight her boyfriend came to visit from out of town. They were suppose to be watching tv. I fell asleep only to awaken to my husband telling me "they're naked in there". They weren't exactly naked but close, at least she was. Now here is my problem. My husband proceeded to tell the boyfriend he could not ever come back to the house, then said he was going to get his gun. Of course the boyfriend is very upset, and my daughter well I almost never got her calmed down. I feel my husband over-reacted. Am I wrong? and how do I keep my daughter from leaving home before she graduates? My husband is her stepdad and her father is dead. She resents any involvment he has in anything...and I'm stuck in the middle....I used to go to my parents for advice....but they are both dead now. :giveup:

[Bethany67]

Over here she'd be classed as a legal adult, but as long as she lives under your roof, she should respect the family rules, not flout them. I'm going on the assumption that you're all Christians. Your husband is head of the household, and while I think he overreacted with the gun comment, I can understand his removal of the boyfriend. I understand you feeling stuck in the middle, but he's just trying to protect her and deserves respect for that from both of you. Not saying of course that you don't respect him, but you must back him up on this while keeping the lines of communication open with her. I say that as a step-parent who has had to do the same thing as your husband, and I would do it again. If she's determined to sin, don't let it be under your roof.

[Rufus_1611]

my daughter just turned 18, is a senior in high school and still lives at home. We are battling the "I'm an adult" syndrome right now. Tonight her boyfriend came to visit from out of town. They were suppose to be watching tv. I fell asleep only to awaken to my husband telling me "they're naked in there". They weren't exactly naked but close, at least she was. Now here is my problem. My husband proceeded to tell the boyfriend he could not ever come back to the house, then said he was going to get his gun. Of course the boyfriend is very upset, and my daughter well I almost never got her calmed down. I feel my husband over-reacted. Am I wrong? and how do I keep my daughter from leaving home before she graduates? My husband is her stepdad and her father is dead. She resents any involvment he has in anything...and I'm stuck in the middle....I used to go to my parents for advice....but they are both dead now. :giveup:

Your husband did not over-react. He did exactly what any loving father (step-father) would do who desires to protect the purity of his daughter. I would encourage you to support his move and would suggest you encourage your daughter to disassociate herself with a boy who would desire to take advantage of her in this way.

[Momof5]

Your husband did not over-react. He did exactly what any loving father (step-father) would do who desires to protect the purity of his daughter. I would encourage you to support his move and would suggest you encourage your daughter to disassociate herself with a boy who would desire to take advantage of her in this way.

I agree with this as well.

I can understand that you are trying to get her to stay at home but you must stand your ground with what is and is not allowed in your home.

My younger daughter will be 18 this month and is a junior in high school. She already started the "when I'm 18, I'm an adult" stuff. She knows that as long as she lives under our roof and we support her financially, she obeys the rules of our home. Period.

You cannot stop her from moving out at 18. She is legally an adult. She needs to know that it is very rough out there trying to go to school and work to support herself, but don't let her run over you just to keep her from leaving.

[RANGER65]

If you and your husband are Christians then no your husband did not over react. The devil will use whoever he can to attack the sanctity of your home (including your daughter and her boyfriend) whether or not they did anything is irrelevant. The mistake was made long before they were found in the buff. The "Priest" of the house should have sat down with the young man upon his arrival and told him the rules of the house and what will or will not get you shot. :) Let's do a little better at putting the devil on notice next time. Now as for the daughter, is she mad? Probably. Will she threaten to leave? Probably. Will she leave? Maybe. What should you do? Nothing unless your willing to be held hostage by the wants of your daughter in your own house. Stand your ground and God will stand with you. God Bless and prayer is better than open confrontation at this point. The devil is a liar. She has to decide if she is a grown up and can live on her own and pay rent and wash her own clothes and yada yada or she is still mom and daddy's girl and follows the rules of the home. Let her make up her own mind.

[RANGER65]

Oh and one very important note: You and your husband are one flesh with him being the foot that leads. Stay that way. Never let the enemy drive a wedge in between you and your husband. He is the Priest of the house and you need to support him. Once you cross that line it is hard to ever regain that trust with him again.

[karenoka27]

I have three grown children. They all tried the "I'm 18" thing...once.

You want to be an adult..you can do so living on your own. My oldest threatened to leave and go on her own until I told her she couldn't take the car, would have no insurance, could not take her bed or anything that we bought. She stayed.

My children now tell me they appreciate that we didn't let them be adults at 18. They may not say it now..but prayerfully, they will later.:hug:

No unmarried child of mine no matter how old is going to be alone in their bedroom with or without clothes. ever.

[andrew_no_one]

As a father, I think the young fellow would feel more comfortable if I had a gun in that situation. I can understand any father being protective of his child. My daughter is almost seven and I dread the day she starts dating. Eek!

[BeckyG]

I ask that the Lord give you the strength to stand up to Satan and any of the lies that he might be saying to you. There is nothing positive that can come out of what your daughter was doing. That is unless you give it to God. Open your heart to your daughter and tell her how you feel. It might be easier to discuss this with lots of love. It sounds like she is looking for some but in the wrong place. Believe me............I've been there!

[Big T]

Well, your husband did something I would not have done. I wouldn't have told the kid I was getting a gun. I would've brought it in with me. :D I also would've grabbed the boy and physically thrown him out of the house. My opinion is, 'This is my house and my rules. If you don't like it, then you can get out!'

If she wants to be an adult, then charge her rent and make her contribute for the food. Sounds silly, but if this is how she wants to act, then you should do these things.

Your husband should also sit down with her and explain why he did what he did. She won't want to hear it, but she needs to. Maybe you can explain it to her first, then have him come in.

Karen, I am of the mindset to take the kids doors off when they get into high school

[livingwaters]

Stand by your man!!! (I think Loretta Lynn sang that, right?!!:D

But, seriously, kids will try to pull the wool over your eyes time and time again!!!! If she wants to be an adult, first off, she should act like one...a Christian one...You can't blame it all on the boy...it takes two to tango...Amen. Follow the rules of the Bible of rearing children and lust!!!! It will never steer you wrong!!!

God bless!!! It's going to be ok, if you do what the Word says to do!!!!!:)

[ServantofTruth]

All i can add, is that the 3 of you - daughter, you and husband - need to sit down and go over the rules. Why those rules exist and won't change. Then if she wants to live by them or move out. Yes say you'll always love her.

Sadly i've seen christians with children sleeping with their boy friends in their house. I know parents at my church who bought a house for their daughter and her friends near the university - so her boy friend could live with her. But also older church members living together because they say they are 'too old' to get married.

Follow our Lord and know his requirements through his Word, the bible.

Loving children, does not include helping them to commit sin. Too often christians protect children from satan's world - by inviting satan into their own house! SofTy.

[mrsparks]

I agree with all previous posters. We tell my 12 & 9 yr old sons all the time- You're not the boss until you pay the bills. The problem didn't occur when your husband threw the boyfriend out. It occured when they were allowed to go in her bedroom & close the door.

[moonglow]

my daughter just turned 18, is a senior in high school and still lives at home. We are battling the "I'm an adult" syndrome right now. Tonight her boyfriend came to visit from out of town. They were suppose to be watching tv. I fell asleep only to awaken to my husband telling me "they're naked in there". They weren't exactly naked but close, at least she was. Now here is my problem. My husband proceeded to tell the boyfriend he could not ever come back to the house, then said he was going to get his gun. Of course the boyfriend is very upset, and my daughter well I almost never got her calmed down. I feel my husband over-reacted. Am I wrong? and how do I keep my daughter from leaving home before she graduates? My husband is her stepdad and her father is dead. She resents any involvment he has in anything...and I'm stuck in the middle....I used to go to my parents for advice....but they are both dead now. :giveup:

I see this is your one and only post...i hope you come back and read the wonderful replies you got!

I notice several seem to think your daughter was alone in her bedroom with her boyfriend but I don't see that in your post. Regardless of where they were as a parent myself I would have had SO angry at my daughter for doing such a thing like this ...who cares if she is upset about what her step dad said...I would be totally furious and embarrassed she would have the gall and utter disrespect to do such a thing in the home like this. I would be totally ashamed of her...I don't think I could even speak for awhile I would be so upset she did such a thing. Not too mentioned disgusted with her.

My only concern about the gun being mentioned is the boyfriend could call the police and have him charged with threatening him with a deadly weapon...sorry but people can't go around saying things like this these days...though I can understand why he did. He obviously cares about his step-daughter more then she cares about herself! :( She showed a huge lack of judgment here for sure.


you can't bow to your daughter and allow this sort of thing simply because you are afraid she will move out before she graduates from school. I doubt she would but if she did...that is when you just have to let them hit rock bottom and learn the hard way...as tough as that is to do.

I am praying for you, your husband and daughter in this. Your daughter needs to just 'grow up' and get over resenting her step dad...alot of kids aren't even lucky enough to have any kind of a dad, let alone a step dad...

God bless

[cnw]

I would have been right behind my husband with bullets...
seriously, So have you sat her down with Scripture and talked to her about s*x? Gods view of it and that this guy is using her? That she is a package and when she gives her body away then she wont have anything to give her husband.
There are great books out there that will help her get it. I was once that kind of girl. I got to leave at 17 though. But Scripture says that she is to stay with you till she is married - then she goes from he step dads authority to her husbands authority.
If you haven't talked straight up with her....better late than never. Oh and the "boyfriend" ya I'd be telling him unless he is willing to always live by your rules with your daughter, he is not welcome to ever see her again.

[SoBlessed]

My oldest son turned 18 in November. For months beforehand, he was telling me all the things he'd be able to do once he was "legal". That gave me the opportunity to discuss with him my expectations and to assure him that his age really has nothing to do with our house rules. Fortunately, he has not exploited the "I'm 18" thing.

In addition to some of the other suggestions here, what about writing out a contract for all three of you to sign? My parents did that with me when I was a teenager. That way, there are no misunderstandings. Consequences of violations of the contract should be included in specific terms.

My son once had a girl over and I allowed them to be in his room WITH THE DOOR OPEN and me finding several opportunities to walk by on my way to the laundry room (LOL!). I was SHOCKED at how touchy-feely the girl was behaving. It made me wonder: if they are so comfortable behaving that way when I am home and very obviously checking on them, what would they be doing without my supervision? Scary thought...but my son really is a good kid and he figured out that the girl was not his cup of tea shortly thereafter.

(((HUGS)))
SoBlessed

[MrAnteater]

It's your house, you are paying the bills, so it's your law of the land. Age is irrlevant, it's all about respect and honoring your parents.

If the kids don't act according to your rules, then show them the door.

[Godslittleangel]

you are the parent first, friendshpi with kids should never take seniority over parening. You as a paernt are repsonsible for the wellbeing of your child and sometimes the right choices as aparent may mean that yoru hcild may be upset for a few days or so. But would you rather have her mad knowing you made the right choe and she is safe now or still be buddy buddy and watch her live wiht the consequecnes of her actions or regret this the rest of her life had it gone further or had he been back again an it did go too far?

My dad would have done the same thing and my mom would have been right there with him backing him up. I would have been grounded, never allowed to be with him again. My dad proably would even drag him out too, not tell him, but take him out physically and call his parents even. My paents ere strict and they didn't care if I would have been mad at them for a week because thye were pearents and it was their responsiblity to protect me and make sure i understand that I am still their child and need ot respect htem. They were consistent with the rules, nothign slid by them. I know I back my husband up if I had caught my dauther or son even in that situation. I know its easy to be buddy buddy with the children to keep them happy, but let snot push the role as paernt aside Your role is paernt first, and it is yoru responsibility to look out for hte benefit of yoru child, to protect her and help her make the right choices. And soemtimes those right choies may mea that they may be upset for awhile. But that is what is going to happen.


When she grows up (I was her age, I had that same attitude too), she will look back and thank him and see that h was protecting her. I look bacn akd regret how I treated my paernts, I am glad that they were consistaen and ddn't take the stuf I threw at them. I'm glad they stuck to their guns and stayed strict with me, becuase they are what got me where I am today. Your husband did nto overreact, he was looking out for her as a father should and acted on her best interest. You need to back him up and set some rules nad stick with them. she is living under your roof and as long as youare the ones providing and paying rent for her, she is to abide with

[DaniHansen]

For the sake of my younger chitlins, the older, grown up ones are not allowed to have boyfriends/girlfriends stay overnight until they're married and that's that. Our house, our rules, "adult" or not. My oldest daughter who is 18 now and in college lives with us, and she has curfews and boundaries because we have to keep everyone else in mind, too. Her boyfriend can come over but at midnight, he is gone and he knows it and respects that. When she is over at his parents' home, then she is expected to abide by their rules, and if they let them sleep together then that is their decision. She is 18 and legally responsible for herself, so what she does when she is outside our home isn't something I can control, nor do I want to. Our oldest daughters, who are 18 and 19, are well aware of the pitfalls of things and we have had to let go and trust that what we've instilled into them is taking root and that they can begin to make solid, responsible decisions, and so far, so good. Reality has a way of teaching them things that we could not but that's alright. They too shall learn.

We have 5 kids and they all know that there is no such thing as rights without responsibilities., which only exists in the fairy tale world of network television and movies and high school lunch tables. ;) They're slowly figuring out that "adult" isn't all it's cracked up to be and that it's a scary world out there and so they rely heavily on us for guidance still.

We all have jobs and school and responsibilities, and so any member of the family under our roof either abides by our set-forth boundaries or they're welcome to get their own apartment or pay for a room somewhere and figure things out on their own. When they can actually put a roof over their own head, then they're free to make whatever rules they want for themselves. As long as they live with us ... not so much. :)