What if he doesn't want to marry me?

[kaylin]

I made a post a while ago regarding the nature of adultery, and I found the advice of everyone who responded very helpful and I thought about it a lot. At the time I didn't think I was ready to get married, I was too young, we haven't been together long enough, etc. but now I really can't see why not? I've prayed about it excessively and I think I have my positive response from God, and other than waiting for our leases to run out there's nothing really preventing us from being married and living happily together, at least from my point of view.

On the other hand, I'm scared. What if he doesn't want to marry me? We've talked about it in really abstract ways, but never gone ahead and said "do we want to be married?" What if he's not as sure as I am? I'll be honest and say that I've been doing a lot more work than he has to make us both happy, ie. when we hang out it's me that goes to his place almost every time instead of him coming to me, when we go somewhere I drive, and I know a lot of you will have a problem with this next part, but we do sleep in the same bed a lot, which requires me to maintain my own apartment and rent even though I don't sleep there most of the time (we've agreed not to actually live together until we're engaged or married, though I still don't see the point if we do everything else together).

If we were to get engaged then married, it would be a relief on me and just a change for him. He's already got it good- I think I'm giving the milk away, in a sense (something to think about which just occurred to me as I was writing, apologies)- so why would he want to change things?

I feel like if I bring up the subject to him now, especially if he's not ready, as I suspect, then it's just going to seem like I'm either trying to dig my claws into him or I'm trying to squeeze an expensive ring out of him.

Does anyone have suggestions on how I can bring all this up to him without it becoming awkward or a problem? I think changing some of our current habits until we are ready to live together will be important, but I don't know how I would go about doing that without bringing all this up to him first, which like I said I'm afraid to do.

Thanks!

[carissadawn]

I made a post a while ago regarding the nature of adultery, and I found the advice of everyone who responded very helpful and I thought about it a lot. At the time I didn't think I was ready to get married, I was too young, we haven't been together long enough, etc. but now I really can't see why not? I've prayed about it excessively and I think I have my positive response from God, and other than waiting for our leases to run out there's nothing really preventing us from being married and living happily together, at least from my point of view.

On the other hand, I'm scared. What if he doesn't want to marry me? We've talked about it in really abstract ways, but never gone ahead and said "do we want to be married?" What if he's not as sure as I am? I'll be honest and say that I've been doing a lot more work than he has to make us both happy, ie. when we hang out it's me that goes to his place almost every time instead of him coming to me, when we go somewhere I drive, and I know a lot of you will have a problem with this next part, but we do sleep in the same bed a lot, which requires me to maintain my own apartment and rent even though I don't sleep there most of the time (we've agreed not to actually live together until we're engaged or married, though I still don't see the point if we do everything else together).

If we were to get engaged then married, it would be a relief on me and just a change for him. He's already got it good- I think I'm giving the milk away, in a sense (something to think about which just occurred to me as I was writing, apologies)- so why would he want to change things?

I feel like if I bring up the subject to him now, especially if he's not ready, as I suspect, then it's just going to seem like I'm either trying to dig my claws into him or I'm trying to squeeze an expensive ring out of him.

Does anyone have suggestions on how I can bring all this up to him without it becoming awkward or a problem? I think changing some of our current habits until we are ready to live together will be important, but I don't know how I would go about doing that without bringing all this up to him first, which like I said I'm afraid to do.

Thanks!

I had the same problem with my fiance, though he is not my fiance anymore. I'll explain a bit: when he and I got together we were not saved. We pretty much did everything together, I got pregnant and lost the baby, just really bad stuff. We got saved, and he thought we were going to continue living pretty much as a married couple (although we maintained separate residences.) He was getting angry that I wasn't doing certain things with him and making resentful comments about it.

I decided to have a little talk with him. I explained to him that I made a covenant with God, and that covenant included NOT having premarital sex-HE made that covenant as well, and if he couldn't keep a covenant with GOD how could he keep ANY promise he ever made to me? I told him that his comments needed to stop, and that I thought we needed some space because I felt that if he could do these [sexual] things and not feel convicted, I had to question how seriously he was taking his covenant with God. He and I happened to get baptized at the same place and the same time and I had thought he was serious. His actions made me feel like maybe he wasn't the person God wanted to lead my family.
I feel that he and I had not earned the right to do these things of a sexual nature, as we had not taken those vows and made the marriage commitment yet.

This is totally not meant to sound judgemental, but if you are doing these things with your boyfriend, unmarried, it sounds to me that your boyfriend isn't the biggest problem in your life right now. Maybe you should focus on getting closer to God for a while instead of letting the boyfriend take over your daily thoughts. I wouldn't worry about whether you are going to lose him by standing your ground, I would worry about focusing on the covenant you have made with the Lord and are currently breaking. What would you rather have-your salvation, or this guy?

I's a hard thing to do, but it is the right thing, and i'm sure you know this in your heart.:hug:

[kaylin]

Thank you for sharing. Of course my God comes before my boyfriend, but I would like to have both. I am sure that if I ask him to take a couple steps back he will do that for me, because I've done the same for him. (When we first met I was the unsaved one and had already had sex, etc., expected the same from this relationship and he was the one who said he wasn't going to do that until he's married and the one who ultimately helped me find God.)

I know if we change things now it will drastically change the dynamic of our relationship as well and I think we could survive that, but I guess what it comes down to is that I don't want to go on living in sin or change things, both in faith that we'll get married, only to find out that it isn't going to happen. How do I ask him that without seeming like I'm pressuring him (which I may well be doing- I don't know... I'm having trouble figuring out my own motivations at this point because I'm confused)?

[RoadWarrior]

Hi Kaylin,

This is a great opportunity to work on your communication skills, which will be valuable for the rest of your lives together. Pick a time when you are both pretty happy and not feeling stressed. You could let him know ahead of time that you want to have a communication session. (Later when you have a family, such sessions are often called "family meetings" and involve both parents and all the children.)

One of the most important skills for success in marriage is being able to talk to each other about important issues without unnecessary drama. If you have not yet learned to do that, it would be good to back off from everything else until you sort that out. If you need help, ask a pastor at your church to help.

Start by letting BF know that as a new Christian, you are experiencing some changes in your values. This is perfectly normal and to be expected. Let him know you are not comfortable and why. Ask him how he feels about these things, and whether his feelings have changed as well.

Pray about it ahead of time, and ask God to show you truth and His direction for both of your lives.

[mrsparks]

I'm sorry, Kaylin, but it sounds like you are putting the cart before the horse. You are still young and this relationship does not sound like it's ready to take the plunge. Marriage is a very deep relationship between two people. The bible says the two become one flesh. That means you should be able to communicate with each other about your future together and what God's will is for you separately and together.

[RabbiKnife]

Maybe I'm reading this all wrong, so if I am, please ignore all of the following: (However, if I read this correctly, then listen carefully)"


You claim to be a Christian. You admit living in an open sexual relationship with a man that is not your husband. You are afraid that he will treat you differently if you either (1) say "no more, the shop is closed" or (2) "honey, let's get married."

You probably don't want my entire opinion, I promise.

I'll make it easy. You do exactly what the Holy Spirit has already told you, and you will be fine.

You won't like it. Your flesh will scream. Your emotions will be broken. But you will be fine.

Otherwise, enjoy the pleasures of sin for a season, but be ready for the collapse of the relationship later on. If he will sin with you, and if you will sin with him now, what will something silly like a marriage do to change that? Next hot thing in a short skirt will likely do the trick...

[kaylin]

Thanks for the input, once again. The advice about a solid communication base is good, and we do communicate well, we almost never argue and we work things out. I do always get nervous like this before I bring up something big, and he's always reacted well in the past. But I get what you're saying- if we're not mature enough to talk about marriage, then we're not mature enough to get married. I think right now I don't want the rings-ceremony-house-with-a-puppy bit, I just want confirmation that he's at the same place as me.

RabbiKnife- thank you for sparing me your "entire opinion". You got some parts right and some parts wrong, especially your closing crack about the "next hot thing in a short skirt." I think this is the danger of asking for advice from people who only hear what I'm able to describe in a few short paragraphs and who cannot possibly see the whole picture based on that. While God has his opinions on adultery and fornication, He also asks us not to judge each other too harshly. Thank you, though, for the reminder to keep my eyes on Him.

[ServantofTruth]

Right lets get things the right way round. You turned to Christ in heart and mind? You recieved the Spirit of God. You accepted the bible as God's Word/ Wisdom that you will submit to?

I put question marks for you to think about, not to suggest that i doubt you in any way.

I really don't need to write any more. Just re read your original post. Does it line up with the answers you have just given to my questions?

Submit - not a popular word today? I believe by studying the word of God, even just the gospels, you can answer your own questions.

If you re write your original post from a more 'Christian' perspective, i believe we could all help you more. Please accept these words in love. May our Lord bless you, SofTy.

[Lady Ashanti]

Thanks for the input, once again. The advice about a solid communication base is good, and we do communicate well, we almost never argue and we work things out. I do always get nervous like this before I bring up something big, and he's always reacted well in the past. But I get what you're saying- if we're not mature enough to talk about marriage, then we're not mature enough to get married. I think right now I don't want the rings-ceremony-house-with-a-puppy bit, I just want confirmation that he's at the same place as me.

RabbiKnife- thank you for sparing me your "entire opinion". You got some parts right and some parts wrong, especially your closing crack about the "next hot thing in a short skirt." I think this is the danger of asking for advice from people who only hear what I'm able to describe in a few short paragraphs and who cannot possibly see the whole picture based on that. While God has his opinions on adultery and fornication, He also asks us not to judge each other too harshly. Thank you, though, for the reminder to keep my eyes on Him.

Sis...:hug:

I am trying to understand what you are asking, and are you and your BF Christians?

[daughter]

"If he doesn't want to marry you" after you've decided to obey Christ, then you should thank God that you found out now that he is disobedient to your Saviour, rather than after marriage.

You know, it seems to me that you think very poorly of your intended. Perhaps you are right. Perhaps he really isn't saved, perhaps he really doesn't respect you enough to marry you, even though he's happy to have sex with you. Perhaps he really is treating you as a whore.

But have you considered that you may be treating him very unfairly? Perhaps the devil is behind all these fears of yours, and your boyfriend is as confused on this topic as you are. Perhaps he really does love and honour you - perhaps he really does want to make things right. After all, you are the one who pointed out that originally he was the one who wanted to wait till marriage... which implies that he really does have a moral sense that you should respect. In other words, give him the benefit of the doubt, and tell him what the Holy Spirit is convicting you of. Obviously you caused him to stumble from his original ideals - he may well understand how you now feel better than you realise. After all, you put him through just the same thing. (And I'm saying this as someone who did just the same thing once upon a time... not in judgement, just as fact. Women cause men to falter sexually, it's not always the men who are the stumbling block.)

Don't you both deserve to talk? If you can't talk about something this important, then it doesn't bode well for any marriage.

He's a man, you know, not a sex crazed monster. He wanted to be chaste before marriage. Why do you assume that he wouldn't want to be faithful again? Talk to him.

[Ezer Kenegdo]

While God has his opinions on adultery and fornication, He also asks us not to judge each other too harshly.

I'm sorry, but no. Here is the real truth.

1Co 5:11 But now I have written unto you not to keep company, if any man that is called a brother be a fornicator, or covetous, or an idolater, or a railer, or a drunkard, or an extortioner; with such a one no not to eat.
1Co 5:12 For what have I to do to judge them also that are without? do not ye judge them that are within?
1Co 5:13 But them that are without God judgeth. Therefore put away from among yourselves that wicked person.

As the church, we *are* to judge those who are within. And Paul said if a person says they are a believer and does these things, we are not to even eat with that person.

It is okay, however, to eat with a fornicator who does not call them self a brother (v.10) - because God judges those who are without (v.13).

If you want to do what's right, you'll have to be willing to give up this guy if he decides it's his way or the high way. As much as it would hurt, it will save you a lifetime of heartache to find out now that he's only with you for the free milk. :( Hopefully that is not the case, but there are red flags already if you've both accepted Christ and he has not even hinted at being bothered by ya'lls current lifestyle.

[Tanya~]

Hi Kaylin,

From what you have written it seems that this is a rather one-sided relationship with you doing most of the giving and him doing most of the receiving. Are you sure you want to make this permanent? That can be a hard road.

At my church sleeping together before marriage is discouraged and those who want to get married but who are already sleeping together are advised to stop for a full 6 months before marriage and counsel regularly with the pastor, to make sure that the relationship has a solid foundation.

[ServantofTruth]

Tanya is so right. The answer to sex outside marriage, is not to just get married. That is the answer for non Christians who wish to 'do the right thing.'

The answer to any sin - is to read God's stated Will in scripture and with the help of God's Spirit, aline yourself as closely to it as possible. Somewhere on that road - marriage is an option to consider in prayer. SofTy.

[Lady Ashanti]

Thanks for the input, once again. The advice about a solid communication base is good, and we do communicate well, we almost never argue and we work things out. I do always get nervous like this before I bring up something big, and he's always reacted well in the past. But I get what you're saying- if we're not mature enough to talk about marriage, then we're not mature enough to get married. I think right now I don't want the rings-ceremony-house-with-a-puppy bit, I just want confirmation that he's at the same place as me.

RabbiKnife- thank you for sparing me your "entire opinion". You got some parts right and some parts wrong, especially your closing crack about the "next hot thing in a short skirt." I think this is the danger of asking for advice from people who only hear what I'm able to describe in a few short paragraphs and who cannot possibly see the whole picture based on that. While God has his opinions on adultery and fornication, He also asks us not to judge each other too harshly. Thank you, though, for the reminder to keep my eyes on Him.

I got sidetracked with something else, so excuse the delay...

I wanted to apologize for asking if you-two were Christians...I had just read your initial post [first one], and wasn't sure because you seemed confused about adultery, [I thought you were "enroute" to the Lord-:saint:]...

Blessings:hug:

[Lady Ashanti]

Thanks for the input, once again. The advice about a solid communication base is good, and we do communicate well, we almost never argue and we work things out. I do always get nervous like this before I bring up something big, and he's always reacted well in the past. But I get what you're saying- if we're not mature enough to talk about marriage, then we're not mature enough to get married. I think right now I don't want the rings-ceremony-house-with-a-puppy bit, I just want confirmation that he's at the same place as me.

RabbiKnife- thank you for sparing me your "entire opinion". You got some parts right and some parts wrong, especially your closing crack about the "next hot thing in a short skirt." I think this is the danger of asking for advice from people who only hear what I'm able to describe in a few short paragraphs and who cannot possibly see the whole picture based on that. While God has his opinions on adultery and fornication, He also asks us not to judge each other too harshly. Thank you, though, for the reminder to keep my eyes on Him.

Sis...I think you may have took this incorrectly...[however it is wise counsel]...

If God cannot trust a man, [or a woman for that matter], how will you be able to? If his "flesh" is rulling at this point, what is to restrain him for going further?

The Lord commands us to flee fornication so that we might bring our passions under subjection, and allow them to be governed by Christ. If the two of you were/are having sex outside of marriage then you are in sin. That is not judging harshly, but saying what the Bible says. You said he was a Christian first, so why did he not lead you away from fornication, instead of joining you in it? This appears to be a weakness with him, [hence the statement by RabbiKnife].

You both need to repent of the sexual nature of your relationship, and then pray, [separately], on whether the Lord wants you to marry at all. Just because you were together before does not mean it was God, and only what He joins together will last.

Grace, and Peace...

[Lady Ashanti]

Hi Kaylin,

From what you have written it seems that this is a rather one-sided relationship with you doing most of the giving and him doing most of the receiving. Are you sure you want to make this permanent? That can be a hard road.

At my church sleeping together before marriage is discouraged and those who want to get married but who are already sleeping together are advised to stop for a full 6 months before marriage and counsel regularly with the pastor, to make sure that the relationship has a solid foundation.

Very wise counsel...[just because two people are attracted to one another sexually does not mean they should marry]. Also, just because they were living together, or in a relationship before salvation does not mean they should just "make it right and get married"...they should inquire of the Lord. :saint:

Blessings...