Long time problem with cousin and aunt

[Justpeachee]

Mainly a lurker seeking help ;) I have prayed about this but am seeking some opinions on how to handle a family situation. Hope I posted in the right section!

Okay... I am in my thirties and have always had problems with my cousin and her mom. We have a very small family and she is my only cousin on my mom's side which makes this even more difficult. Both of them have issues with other women. I mean they always seem to have problems with every woman they encounter. They believe "she" is rude, jealous, mean, manipulative, etc. Oddly enough they find these traits in everyone but themselves :P

Most recently I found out that my cousin told her parents I have called her numerous times in the middle of the night not knowing how to care for my babies. I have 2 young children, a 6 month old and a 2 year old, and my cousin has a 2 year old. The only time we have ever called for advice was the night we brought my oldest home from the hospital. It was about 10pm (he was crying nonstop :() and she was very helpful and we greatly appreciated her help. That was the only time we asked for help! Anyway... in a conversation between my mom and her brother this came up. My uncle and my mom were arguing and he brought up my "problems" as a mother and then told her about all my phone calls. This is not the only bizarre story my cousin/aunt have created out of nothing and I am sure it wont be the last.

I know this probably sounds petty but I really don't want my children to deal with the same problems I dealt with growing up. In conversations I have mentioned to my cousin how my oldest still hits his sister, he is wild, still climbs the furniture, how I could really use some xanax, etc. :lol: You get the picture. He is 2 years old!! I'm sure she has changed all that into how I am raising an out of control ADD son who beats on his sister.

The last conversation I had with her she said "I quit" and hung up on me. She was upset over Christmas plans. That was about 2 weeks ago and we have not spoken. Yesterday she emailed me about a website she thought I might enjoy :o I hate acting like nothing happened and I don't think she knows I know about her bizarre story she told her parents. Ugh... please don't tell me to call her :confused What do I do?? I know if I call she will yell at me and hang up again. I have forgiven her (although she would never ask me to because she would never admit wrong doing) but I don't want it to continue any longer. I really want to do the right thing.

Sorry this was so long. Thank you for reading. Any help would be appreciated.

[Vhayes]

This is what I would do but I've been told I am too "confrontational".

I would ask your mother and your cousin to meet at your uncles house. I would then explain to them that you had heard you were making late night phone calls to ask for help in how to deal with your children. Ask each to tell their "side" of the story. No interruptions, no fighting, just ask for an explanation about how one one call regarding a newborn grew into late night phone calls (plural) on child rearing.

You could start by expressing gratitude for the advice as you have done here - that way it doesn't put everyone on the defensive.

I've done this before and it did work. I made a couple of people unhappy because they got "caught" in their exaggerations but guess what? - I've not had to deal with all that petty type garbage in my life for about 20 years now. If no one says anything, if everyone acts as though nothing has happened, it will continue to happen.

Others here may give you advice as well - this is just the way I dealt with it and it worked for me.
V

[Bethany67]

Very much agree, but then I'm also a big fan of getting things out into the open in order to stop them in their tracks. It works in my family when Mum and my sister bicker and get on each other's nerves and moan to me. It's like a boil bursting.

[Justpeachee]

Ya that would probably do the trick but there is no way any of them, including my mom, would get together to discuss. My family, mom included, are big fans of ignoring problems. That is why at 34 years old this is still going on. My aunt and cousin are both fans of hanging up on people also :rolleyes: So if I even asked that is probably what would happen. Honestly, I really want to cut all ties but I feel bad for my mom. This is her only brother (my uncle) and both my grandparents are gone. My son's bday is coming up and I wasn't planning on inviting them. I just hate ignoring the issues but I also don't want to stir the pot :)

[Bethany67]

Can you talk to your uncle alone then, and let him raise it with his wife and daughter if he believes you? Or will that cause him to turn on your mother for moaning to you about what he said?

[paidforinfull]

I totally agree that things should be openly discussed - at first you alone with your aunt and cousin. If that doesn't work you could arrange a family meeting - even if you have to do all the talking yourself. Really bring all these hidden things that have been said to light - even if nobody backs you up, you would have made a stand against this kind of gossip and slander, and others will know not to take their words seriously.

Are your aunt and cousin Christians?

(Like VHayes, I have been told that I am too confrontational :P.)

Mt 18:15 "If your brother sins against you, go and confront him while the two of you are alone. If he listens to you, you have won back your brother." (ISV)
God bless.

[Justpeachee]

My cousin always went to church with us growing up but my aunt would never go because she said she had a church... The Church of England. My uncle grew up going to church with my mom but he never went once he got married to my aunt.

My aunt and cousin are big screamers, storm outers, hang upers, etc. You get the idea;). There is no way a discussion of any kind (about what happened) would work out. I am torn. I am afraid if I ignore my cousin's emails more bizarre stories will come on. My uncle is pretty non-confrontational and would probably decline talking to me. I feel pretty bad for him also. Sorry, now I am just rambling.

I think I am just going to keep praying about it. What else is there :D

[paidforinfull]

My cousin always went to church with us growing up but my aunt would never go because she said she had a church... The Church of England. My uncle grew up going to church with my mom but he never went once he got married to my aunt.

My aunt and cousin are big screamers, storm outers, hang upers, etc. You get the idea;). There is no way a discussion of any kind (about what happened) would work out. I am torn. I am afraid if I ignore my cousin's emails more bizarre stories will come on. My uncle is pretty non-confrontational and would probably decline talking to me. I feel pretty bad for him also. Sorry, now I am just rambling.

I think I am just going to keep praying about it. What else is there :D

Yep - I see what you mean: you simply can't reason with unreasonable people. The thing is, if you know this about them, chances are others do too (they might just pretend they don't to keep the peace).

Now I am all out of ideas and advice - except to affirm what you have said - pray. Nothing is too difficult or impossible for our Great God.

God bless
:hug:

[Justpeachee]

Thank you everyone :kiss:

[ServantofTruth]

Can i ask, how much of a life of your own do you have? A husband, 2 children. Friends, social activities.

I know all families are different, so i say this cautiously, because your family may be very different to mine. Do you need such regular contact with your extended family? I am not suggesting cutting them off, or doing anything negative - just being more confident and making your own friends.

You can keep in touch occassionally by e mail, the odd phone call and make the times you meet face to face more special. Part of getting married is leaving home and becoming one with your husband/ wife and starting a new family. In the bible this often meant hardly seeing your family again for the wife, even the husband.

I could be reading this wrong. But your aunt and cousin seem to know you need them more than they need you. Therefore they are trying to manipulate you and other family members.

Strengthen your position. Make friends with other mothers, invite them round to your house. Go to toddler groups. They'll be less time to dwell on this situation and your negative thoughts and emotions.

Then if you contact them or need to reply, you'll be more confident and positive and they'll react to that. Believe me, when the balance of power, tips in any relationship, you get a lot more out of it. :) Then strike back hard, with Love.

Nothing wrong with the Church of England btw. Except perhaps the coffee after the service! :rofl: SofTy.

[ServantofTruth]

I've given you reps/ reputation. Click: User CP above to read it. Turn it on, reps, and i'm sure you'll soon have more than me. :hug: SofTy.

[Justpeachee]

Servant of Truth... thank you for your post. No offense about the Church of England, that is just the reason my aunt always gave for not attending here in the states. Sorry about your coffee experience ;)

I must tell you... I feel exactly as you do. Now that we are older we should be focusing on our immediate family. My aunt and cousin keep pushing the holiday get togethers because they have no other family here. My cousin doesn't speak to anyone on her hubby's side (shocker huh?) and is an only child, and my aunt's only sister is in England. So basically we are their only family. This is hard because I am not an only child, have a huge family on my husband's side, and my own family. I truly don't need them... so you are wrong there ;) Like you read, I have 2 young children and am very busy with my own family and friends. I am part of several mom's groups, church functions, etc. (and am already a pretty confident woman thank you :pp). My cousin does none of that because of all the problems she has with other women. I wish you could see her. If you saw her just once you would see it! She always has a sour puss face and only smiles with her mouth. You know, that smile that is forced?? If you said "hi, how are you?" she would call me up and tell me what a total fake snob you were for asking her how she was when you knew exactly how she was :o Sometimes just talking to her hurts... I guess I have answered my own question huh? I think I am mainly worried about my mom. This is her only brother and we just lost my grandpa in May. My mom wants to keep a close relationship with him but is nervous about what is happening. My aunt recently hung up on my mom about all this. Wow. They really hang up a lot!:giveup:

[cnw]

I have hard this website is very well done:
http://www.raisinggodlytomatoes.com/

about your cousin...I think that maybe you need to pray for Godly friends and keep your distance form relatives. Most of us learn that early on in child rearing. Find a mom who has many children or older ones you admire and seek her counsel. Older mentors with good kids are precious.
How does your husband help in child raising?