My Attempts at Building a Christian Home - moved from Intro

[MissMiss]

I'm not quite sure what to say here or whether anyone can help. I guess that I just want some affirmation that I'm on the right track (or at least constructive criticism instead of the insults I get in real life) - sometimes in real life, when I get to talking about my parenting ideas, the way I keep my house, etc., I get a lot of eye-rolling. I hope that by finding a Christian discussion group, I might get something other than eye-rolling for a change. After all, God put as all here to be TOGETHER, didn't he?

I'm just sort of an ordinary wife and mom. I'm 28 years old and have been blessed with an unfailingly loving husband, a delightful stepdaughter and an amazing, amazing blessing I am fortunate to call my daughter. I never really got very involved in politics or world affairs, and this sometimes leads me to ridicule in real life...I guess that I just sort of figure that the world is a mess, and the best thing I can do to help it is to ensure the health and happiness of my family and friends. So I tend to ignore the world and focus on my own family.

I don't believe in punishing children (physical or otherwise), I try to offer explanations as to why a particular behavior has been deemed inappropriate - my little one is getting into something that hurts her, and I say, "No, no. Not safe." And what I usually get in response is cooperation and understanding. Not the temper tantrums and whining people say I'll get unless I "discipline" my kids.
And I get a lot of grief about my approach to boundaries with my kids - so many people talk about having to make our kids respect our boundaries, but I try to respect theirs as well, and people make sarcastic comments about me spoiling my kids...example: a friend of mine asks my toddler for a hug and she says no. I intervene and say, "okay, maybe later." and the friend gets all irritated that my toddler asserted her independence and "hurt her feelings by not hugging her". She's vocal in saying I'm spoiling my daughter. I then get irritated with the friend for trying to make my child think it's not okay to say no. I believe NO is one of the most important things we can teach our kids to say - am I wrong on this?

I also rarely turn on the television at home, with the exception of safe programs like Boz the Bear, Hermie the Common Caterpillar and classics like Anne of Green Gables. I am reluctant to channel-surf because Heaven only knows what you'll see when you're flipping through the stations.

My "friends" (more like acquaintances, really) think I'm crazy because I don't only forbid profanity in my house, I don't really care for criticism and negativity at all, so I discourage visitors from gossiping and expressing what I consider negative viewpoints when they visit. Many people tell me I'm just putting off the inevitable, that my kids need to learn how the world works and I totally disagree.

I rarely go out socially, and certainly never do so unless I feel that things at home are under control...so people sometimes get upset with me because I don't accept luncheon invitations and things of the like. I just don't like to leave home until home is taken care of.

I want my home to always be a safe, happy place for my children and my husband. I figure the world is hard enough and they will soon enough learn the rules of "this world", so why not shelter them from it and provide a sanctuary from it for as long as I can?

Do I sound crazy? I hope some of the folks here can offer some input and advice on how to deal with these folks and how I can better protect my family from the cruelty, vice and pain that exists in this world. I guess I just get frustrated and want to cave into the pressure to make my house a more worldly place.

[paidforinfull]

Hi MissMiss - welcome to BF - nice to meet you :)

I was really blessed when I read you introduction. I think you are doing a super job by taking such good care of the family God entrusted to your care.

As far as being overprotective - well, I take it your children are still very young (pre-preschool?). In that case, you can't be too protective. You are right: time enough to learn the ways of the world once they go to school. I would suggest that you send them to a good Christian school, if possible.

Anyway, since this is the intro forum I won't take too much time discussing this issue here, but I look forward to meeting you around the Board in the future.

God bless.

[MissMiss]

Nice to meet you too, and thanks for the affirmation - I haven't had a chance to navigate this forum yet, so I'm not sure where my post belongs. I look forward to talking with you more! Have a wonderful day.

[carissadawn]

Hi missmiss! Welcome! I'm really new here, so i'll leave the advice to others. This is an introductions forum though-if you post in the "woman at the well" forum you may get responses from women who know what you are going through? This is agreat place, so i'm sure you will get a lot of good info! :hug:

[quiet dove]

Hi everyone, just a note to let you know this was moved from Intro, I know it gets confusing when a thread is moved. :)

[MissMiss]

Thanks for moving this, quietdove. I'm very new here (just signed up) and wasn't sure where it was best suited.

Everyone reading, if you have any advice, affirmation, criticism, ideas, whatever, please post. I'm feeling a little alone here in my "real life".

[carissadawn]

May I ask how old your children are? Is your husband a Christian too?

The friends who say things to criticize you, are they Christian? Do they have children and families too, or are they single people with no children trying to give you parenting advice?

[MissMiss]

My little one is 2 and a half. My stepdaughter is 12 years old.

My husband is a Christian, and most of my friends are acquaintances from church. So we've gotten to know each other through these church functions and things. Also, many of the church friends are parents of my stepdaughter's friends. So we get along, and see each other socially, but there's really no one that we're close to.

My parents are Christians as are my brother and sister (we're a very close-knit family), but they seem to be my worst critics relative to the parenting. My parents at least respect my decisions relative to parenting and don't spank my little one or "punish" her in any way, but they constantly say I cater to her too much - that if she doesn't want to hug someone, that's just tough. I've explained my belief that NO is an important thing that she should have the right to say, but my parents are very much of the "my word is law" belief. And also the "spare the rod, spoil the child" thing.

And I don't believe that's true. I believe that children are inherently good, and want to please their parents.

Some boundaries are meant to be firm and some are meant to be flexible. My stepdaughter is a better example of that: in theory, she has a set bedtime. But sometimes, she'll want to stay up on weekends when her friends stay overnight and things like that. I allow her to stay up, but she has to deal with the consequences of being overtired...my parents say that's too "loosy-goosy" and that she ought to go to bed when it's time, regardless of whether she has friends over. I say no, it's a special time for her and her friends, and the decision to go to bed on time is up to her...
But for other things, such as "you must do your homework", it's a clear boundary that doesn't move.

Hope this helps some.

(Just as a note, I've never had to tell my little one to say please or thank you...she's picked it up, because my husband and I speak that way to each other and my stepdaughter does too)

[paidforinfull]

Hi again, Missmiss -

I am a grandmother as well (I have two grandsons aged 10 and 8), and one thing I have learned from the beginning is that grandparents should not (unless there is a serious problem) criticize the way their children raise their grandchildren. They can give advice when asked, and say something if it is really very very important; otherwise they should rather keep silent or encourage their kids. It is the parents who decide how they will raise their children, and grandparents should respect and honor their wishes.

This is not always easy for grandparents to do - especially if they don't agree with their childrens' child-rearing methods. Maybe you could tell your closest relatives that you appreciate their concerns and advice, but would rather they accept the fact that you are the mother, and that you would value their support, but not their criticism.

Remember: your parents should trust you enough (since they raised you :)) to do right by their grandchildren.

Parenting is never easy, but we all have to do the best we can according to what we believe (and as Christians - according to God's Word and Will).

God bless.

[Lady Ashanti]

I'm not quite sure what to say here or whether anyone can help. I guess that I just want some affirmation that I'm on the right track (or at least constructive criticism instead of the insults I get in real life) - sometimes in real life, when I get to talking about my parenting ideas, the way I keep my house, etc., I get a lot of eye-rolling. I hope that by finding a Christian discussion group, I might get something other than eye-rolling for a change. After all, God put as all here to be TOGETHER, didn't he?

I'm just sort of an ordinary wife and mom. I'm 28 years old and have been blessed with an unfailingly loving husband, a delightful stepdaughter and an amazing, amazing blessing I am fortunate to call my daughter. I never really got very involved in politics or world affairs, and this sometimes leads me to ridicule in real life...I guess that I just sort of figure that the world is a mess, and the best thing I can do to help it is to ensure the health and happiness of my family and friends. So I tend to ignore the world and focus on my own family. .

You sound like a very content individual, who is enjoying her life, and family...there is no problem in this...

I don't believe in punishing children (physical or otherwise), I try to offer explanations as to why a particular behavior has been deemed inappropriate - my little one is getting into something that hurts her, and I say, "No, no. Not safe." And what I usually get in response is cooperation and understanding. Not the temper tantrums and whining people say I'll get unless I "discipline" my kids. .

There is nothing wrong with this if it is working for you and your family. I believe the discipline should "fit" the behavior, and if your children do not do the things that warrant a "spanking" then why distribute it to please others.

My children were very well behaved, [I always believed the Lord graced me-smile], so I never had to spank them until they were older, and never much. I wanted my children to obey me because they loved me, and knew I loved them and had their best interest at heart, not out of fear so we communicated a great deal.

They knew the rules, [they were posted on the refrigerator], and only were spanked when they rebelled, or were disobedient 3 times, [restrictions for times before that]. I do believe spare the rod, spoil the child, but only when necessary, and only on their bottom.

Now, I see more of the tantrums with my grandbabies but I tell them [firmly] "that" behavior will not get them what they want, and they stop, calm down, wait, and ask me correctly. Children today are very intelligent, and communication usually works, however some parents are frustrated, and "whup" their children out of that frustration. One should never discipline in anger, or frustration.

Also, many parents are too busy to really spend time with their children to get to know them. I spent a great deal of time with my children. Even now people are amazed that my children and I will talk for hours on end, [and they are adults]...:pp I not only love them, I like them...:hug:

[quote=MissMiss;1913695]And I get a lot of grief about my approach to boundaries with my kids - so many people talk about having to make our kids respect our boundaries, but I try to respect theirs as well, and people make sarcastic comments about me spoiling my kids...example: a friend of mine asks my toddler for a hug and she says no. I intervene and say, "okay, maybe later." and the friend gets all irritated that my toddler asserted her independence and "hurt her feelings by not hugging her". She's vocal in saying I'm spoiling my daughter. I then get irritated with the friend for trying to make my child think it's not okay to say no. I believe NO is one of the most important things we can teach our kids to say - am I wrong on this?.[/quote]

No, you are not. The boundaries of children should always be respected, and then more than likely they will grow up respecting the boundaries of others. Children should not feel that they have to allow others to do whatever they like to them even if they are not comfortable with it.

I did not force my children to give or receive hugs, kisses, pinches on the cheek, etc from anyone if they did not feel like it, [also my children were very friendly so if they were uncomfortable with someone there was usually a reason]. It seems to be the same way with your daughter, who probably senses your "friend"s" dislike...

[quote=MissMiss;1913695]I also rarely turn on the television at home, with the exception of safe programs like Boz the Bear, Hermie the Common Caterpillar and classics like Anne of Green Gables. I am reluctant to channel-surf because Heaven only knows what you'll see when you're flipping through the stations..[/quote]

I am not a "tv" person either, and to me their is noting worth watching anymore anyway, I love to read though. However this is a personal selection on your part...to each it's own. Why is this a problem...?

[quote=MissMiss;1913695]My "friends" (more like acquaintances, really) think I'm crazy because I don't only forbid profanity in my house, I don't really care for criticism and negativity at all, so I discourage visitors from gossiping and expressing what I consider negative viewpoints when they visit. Many people tell me I'm just putting off the inevitable, that my kids need to learn how the world works and I totally disagree..[/quote]

Amen to you! I never allowed profanity in my home either, since I do not curse, no one else could either.

Also, I had a Christian decoration on my door, and my vm message was "blessings to the caller" so people knew not to bring the "garbage" to me, [however even those who stated they didn't like me, would come to me when a situation warrented prayer-strange, huh...].

It was funny because one day my teenage daughter was talking on the phone, and I heard several conversations. I realized that one thing was starngely missing from her conversations-gossip. When I was telling my best friend this, she said "why ar eyou surprised, she gets that from you". I had never thought about it...

Keep doing what you are doing...the little ones are watching...

Also, children have plenty of time to observe, and experience the world, their home should be a place of peace, love, and safety. While they are young and impressionable they need to see what is good, so if and when they do see the bad they will know the diffierence. [Another thing about television which is geared to "desensitize" people, especially children, so nothing shocks, horrifies, or is unacceptable to the viewers. In this way, they accept anything.

Children are not equipped to handle "the world" that is why the Lord gives them parents to assist them in discovery, and instruction.

[quote=MissMiss;1913695]I rarely go out socially, and certainly never do so unless I feel that things at home are under control...so people sometimes get upset with me because I don't accept luncheon invitations and things of the like. I just don't like to leave home until home is taken care of. .[/quote]

Sis, I have always been of the impression that a husband and wife should be "best friends", and that their time together should be precious, and cultivating. If your husband works, then you do not see each other for at least 8 hours, if you sleep 8 hours a night then there is only 8 hours left. If you have children, taking care of a household, ministry... then that cuts into most of that time so when is a marriage/family cultivated?

Seems your friends may need to get structure in their lives, and leave yours alone...

[quote=MissMiss;1913695]I want my home to always be a safe, happy place for my children and my husband. I figure the world is hard enough and they will soon enough learn the rules of "this world", so why not shelter them from it and provide a sanctuary from it for as long as I can?.[/quote]

Exactly...

[quote=MissMiss;1913695]Do I sound crazy? I hope some of the folks here can offer some input and advice on how to deal with these folks and how I can better protect my family from the cruelty, vice and pain that exists in this world. I guess I just get frustrated and want to cave into the pressure to make my house a more worldly place.[/quote]

Why???

I think your "friends" need to take care of their own business, and get out of yours.

Also, I think you may need to find some young, married ladies who have the same interest as you do. My daughter, [who baked bread, grew her own herbs, etc], used to take my grandbabies to functions for children during the day while her husband was at work, [pottery clubs for kids, face painting, story time, etc], and usually the mothers there had the same interest as she did...home and family.

Be blessed...:hug:

[cnw]

hello, welcome. It is our responsibility to protect our children from the influences of the world....in our fam we take that to even mean public and private school, any tv, most radio, very few friends come over etc.
It sounds like you have a good perspective. Physical spanking etc is something that should only be used in direct disobedience under your discretion, not for some lack of a hug in which your daughter had every right to refuse. Good for her. That is a Biblical issue and under another forum if you are interested in reading it.
My youngest child is very obedient. I say no and she stops. (1 out of 8 kids is not bad lol)
It sounds like you need one special friend that has Godly principles that match yours. May God bless you with that friend.
Maybe not inviting the acquantances that object to God's principles over and just meet them at parks on nice days. It is easier to leave that way.

[Lady Ashanti]

hello, welcome. It is our responsibility to protect our children from the influences of the world....in our fam we take that to even mean public and private school, any tv, most radio, very few friends come over etc.
It sounds like you have a good perspective. Physical spanking etc is something that should only be used in direct disobedience under your discretion, not for some lack of a hug in which your daughter had every right to refuse. Good for her. That is a Biblical issue and under another forum if you are interested in reading it.
My youngest child is very obedient. I say no and she stops. (1 out of 8 kids is not bad lol)
It sounds like you need one special friend that has Godly principles that match yours. May God bless you with that friend.
Maybe not inviting the acquantances that object to God's principles over and just meet them at parks on nice days. It is easier to leave that way.

:rofl: ...that is so true!!!

[ServantofTruth]

MissMiss - father of 5 sons here, oldest 2 autistic. Had the critism myself, hurts a lot. Proof of what works is in the pudding (Christmas pudding perhaps!). My eldest 3 are very high achievers - 15, 14 & 12. Top sets, gifted and talented. Polite etc. When they were young the critism hurt, because my wife and i were younger and unsure of ourselves. Now we laugh it off, politely in private.

Sounds like you're doing a great job. :pp SofTy.

[Sandusky]

Miss, sounds like you're doing great and don't need any advice! You should be giving the advice, maybe.

I especially like what you had to say about trying to force false affection from little kids...a lot of parents don't understand boundries like that. Good job, IMO.

[doubledcattle]

I'm just sort of an ordinary wife and mom. I'm 28 years old and have been blessed with an unfailingly loving husband, a delightful stepdaughter and an amazing, amazing blessing I am fortunate to call my daughter. I never really got very involved in politics or world affairs, and this sometimes leads me to ridicule in real life...I guess that I just sort of figure that the world is a mess, and the best thing I can do to help it is to ensure the health and happiness of my family and friends. So I tend to ignore the world and focus on my own family.


Not to take anything away from you here, but I stongly think that the man of the house should be the spiritual leader. If your husband is a Christian then I would hope he would step up and lead his family.

I don't believe in punishing children (physical or otherwise),

If this works for you then great. However, I belive that spanking your children is not wrong. A lot of people (Christians) look down on this sort of thing but
Proverbs 23:13-14: "Withold not discipline from the child, for if you strike and punish him with the (reed-like) rod, he will not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell."

This doesn't mean to beat you children to where they bleed or you bruise them. I think we are to punish our children to help them learn so they will not do the same things over and over.



My "friends" (more like acquaintances, really) think I'm crazy because I don't only forbid profanity in my house


Proverbs 4:24 Avoid all perverse talk;stay away from corrupt speech.

Ephesians 4:29 29Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

I feel that cuss words are perverse talk and are not beneficial to others.

I am in no way downing you are wanting to hurt your feelings. I just wanted to share my thoughts on a few of the things you are going through.