Mom doesn't acknowledge my husband

[sapphire904]

This situation is starting to get me aggrevated and I don't think it's fair to my husband at all. Before I got married, my mom was never interested in getting to know my boyfriends. I was in a relationship for over 6 years and she never once bought him a Christmas gift or acknowledged his Birthday, etc. I've asked her why and her response was always "He's not your husband". Ok then...so I got married last year. Not to the same guy. My mom was friendly with him before the wedding, but still didn't acknowledge his Birthday or anything. After we got married, my mom, her husband, my mother-in-law and my husband and I got together for Christmas Eve dinner. It was a horrible night, to put it lightly. My husband was frustrated and came across as being a little rude (he has a bad habit of saying what's on his mind even if it's not nice) and corrected me a few times while at the table. My mom didn't like it one bit and since that night, she acts as though he doesn't exist.

For example, she doesn't call to talk to him at all. She's never even had a conversation with him if I wasn't involved. She she didn't get him anything for Christmas the first year we were married or this year and nothing (not even a card) for his Birthday. I don't think she even knows (or cares) when it is. We got married on 12/7 and that Christmas, she gave us a big bag of gifts to take home and open. EVERY SINGLE ONE was for me. Nothing for him and he was sitting there while I opened them just waiting patiently. I felt so bad!!
Also, when she emails me or talks on the phone, she doesn't tell me to "say hi" to him. But she asks me to give my cat a kiss for her and tell her (my cat) she says 'hi'. She just went through a divorce and basically hates men (she's a feminist), but that's no excuse.

And in a recent email, she told me that I should have waited for my ex-boyfriend. Long story, but he broke up with me and ended up moving to N. Carolina with a Hooters bartender (which my mom didn't know until i told her in my reply to her email). She never even knew him really, except that he made good money and was getting his PhD. My husband doesn't have a great education or a good job and we've been moving around a lot. I guess she wants what's best but I've told her that she should just be happy that I'm happy. I don't need materialistic things to make me happy. My husband gives me more love than any of my ex-boyfriends could have. It makes my husband feel insecure that she feels that way. Should I confront her or just ignore it and let her be her stubborn self? Thank you for your help.

[Bethany67]

I'm assuming she's not a Christian. I can only tell you what I'd do. I'd tell my Mum that if she can't be civil and pleasant to both of us, she gets to see neither of us. It's what my parents did to Dad's parents when they tried to make a huge difference between me the adoptee and their natural daughter. At some point your mother has to realise you're an adult and she can't control you and dump on you two all her bitterness and anger about her divorce (from your stepfather?). I'd stand your ground on this one; your priority and loyalty is to your husband now.

[ServantofTruth]

I know on topics like this some people don't like me getting too biblical. But allow me a few verses please.

Mark 10:7-8 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife. And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh.

Those verses, spoken by our Lord, come from Genesis 2:24.

When we become married, both the man and the woman's first concern should be for eachother. The two become one flesh under God.

These situations arise often. Power struggles in families. Jealousy for so many reason. A daughter or sons love divided. No more depending on the parent. Perhaps realising that the hope they had when first married, went so wrong and seeing this new happiness is too much to bare?

Differcult as it is, the answer is more Love all round. Loving one person does not stop us loving another. In your home tell your husband often how much you love him. Tell him, he comes first now, but you still love your mother despite how hard she makes it for you.

My mother at birthdays and Christmas gives me far more presents than my wife, it is embarrassing. My wife's family haven't had contact with her for over 10 years, which makes it worse.

As you do your bible reading, look especially for verses that relate to this situation. But the foundation of ALL scripture is love.

But it is important, like everything, that we understand what God means by love, rather than the perverted idea of this world.

1 Corinthians 13:4-5 Love is always patient and kind, love is never jealous; love is not boastful or conceited, it is never rude and never seeks it's own advantage, it does not take offence or store up grievances.

So often meeting bad feelings with love is so hard. People tell us they love us, but it bares no resembleance to the love stated about. It is a negative destroying emotion under the disguise of the word 'love.'

But true love we know as Christians from God is always positive. It looks to encourage and strengthen. Not manipulate and make the other person feel bad about themself and what they're doing.

Try and be positive. You have a knowledge of our Lord's Will/ Wisdom on love and relationships. I'll pray that, differcult as it is, you'll show love to everyone in Jesus name. SofTy.

[tayariswife]

I will pray for you for sure. I don't really have any good advice for you at all, but I will keep praying.....

[servantsheart]

Hello sapphire904,
I am sorry you are going through this trial with your mother.
Sometimes we mom's have to grow into this kind of relationship. It is hard to loose your daughter and yet find her as a friend and adult. I guess we are jealous and worried (even though we are not suppose to be jealous or worry!) wheather the new husband will be good to our daughters. If they will love them and treat them respectfully and take care of them.
I think that until we see for ourselves that our dauthers and their husbands have truly become one and everything is working out the way we had hoped...until then we are holding our breath.
Our children will always be our "babies" in our hearts. I treasure every moment with my daughter. She has grown into a great mom and wife. She is a true servant of our Lord and helps mentor me...we share the bond of being born again and can talk about God and our faith.
But even though I get along with our son-in-law I don't just phone to talk with him. We give him a "nice" gift ($100 dollar gift certificate). But we do the same for our daughter and I always have one or two special gifts just from me to my daughter. Our son-in-law thinks that is fine and never acts jealous...he is always happy with his gift.
My mom was very controlling and could put a guilt trip on me for any little thing. She even tried to tell us when "we" could start to think about having a baby. That is when I finally 'grew up' and had to have the conversation with my mom that I had put off doing for too long. I was kind and reassuring about loving her. But I left no question that I was now married and a wife and it would be our decision as to when we would have a baby or not.
She did not phone for a while but after a few weeks I called her and acted like we were on normal terms. She responded the same and nothing more was ever mentioned about our conversation. And she never tried to tell me what to do again.
Whatever you do towards your mom just do it in love and patience but be firm that you need her to try to respect your position as a grown up daughter and a wife and to respect your husband.
Maybe short get togethers outside of major holidays would give you all more time to relax with each other. Be sure to ask God (before hand) to bless your time together with peace, calm, patience and understanding. And a little laughter too. Find some time to spend with your mom alone so she knows you still want to be with her and you enjoy her company.
Maybe you could suggest one gift for the two of you. Such as a house hold item or movie tickets or restaurant certificates. Then your husband will not be left out.
Discuss with your husband (calmly and respectfully) that you were embarresed when he corrected you in front of your mother and it probably sit a bad tone with her for the rest of the evening. Ask him to make suggestions (for whatever he was being critical about) after you leave your mother's house or from where ever you are. We should never correct our spouses in front of others. And when we do do it we should do it with love and respect.
Thank you for sharing with us and I do pray for God to work everything out for your good with your husband and your mother.

[sapphire904]

I'm assuming she's not a Christian.

Actually, she is a baptised Christian, but doesn't go to church and definitely doesn't act like one on a regular basis.

It's hard for us to get together, we live in different states and she hasn't come to visit us because she doesn't like the weather here. We are moving to a cooler area where she said she'd visit us then. Like I said, she's very stubborn. When we moved (3 months after our wedding), I called her a few times and all she did was put down all my decisions and choices in life. I decided to stop calling because I was tired of defending myself all the time. She finally sent me an email and told me how hurt she was that I got engaged, married and moved all within 6 months. I explained that that's how we choose to do things and she should be happy that we're happy together. She didn't reply and stopped contacting me in July. I still sent her emails and pictures of trips we took, without a reply from her. We didn't receive an Anniversary blessing and she didn't even contact me to see how I was recovering from surgery (she knew through my cousin). She eventually contacted me after Christmas (5 months of not hearing from her!) only because her cousin was in town and told her to snap out of it and call me or he wasn't paying for her dinner that night. The emails so far have been all about her and her divorce. I know she's hurting, but she can't forgive and forget the past (she's very bitter) and she can't seem to be happy for other people without making sarcastic remarks. It drives me crazy.

[ServantofTruth]

The answer remains - love, the kind of love we know through our faith in Jesus Christ. SofTy.

[cnw]

You can't let your mom's tantrums rule your life or the way you treat her back. If you are a Christian your love for your mom and the love and submission towards your husband, both in reality and verbally on the phone will be a reflection on your husband and your Lord.
Your mom will see this.

[sapphire904]

I'm sorry - I still don't understand what to do. Of course I love my mom and my husband. That's not the issue. And love isn't going to help me decide whether to confront her or let her keep acting this way. Can anyone tell me what they would do in this situation? Or maybe someone who has been in this situation and can relate? I think I'm looking for a more solid resolution. Thank you.

[Ezer Kenegdo]

Here are my thoughts on the matter.

Your mom has barely talked to you since you've married. She didn't even contact you when you (her flesh and blood) had surgery.

And you are expecting her to send a birthday card to your husband?

You can't force her to be okay with him, all you can do is hope that with time she will grow to love him. You can ALWAYS speak positively about him to her and NEVER tell her anything negative. Her mama-bear instincts will rise up and it will take two years of telling her positive things to outweight the one bad thing you told her. Trust me, I know. I made a decision years ago to never tell my mom anything bad about my husband and to only praise him to her. It has worked wonders and now they have a nice comfortable relationship - but she never talks to him on the phone, or tells me to tell him hi - I chat with her everyday on the phone, just about. He only talks to her on the phone when she has a problem with her car or computer and he is trying to help her and it's too much info to go through me.

Accept what others give to you and don't expect more. You want her to give out of the kindness of her heart - not because she feels obligated. And she's not obligated - we have no rights to demand gifts from our family, and if we do that takes the pleasure out of receiving them. I'm surprised that a man is bothered by not getting a birthday card. I am curious if your husband was the one who noticed the slight, or if your own reactions to these situations is what has caused him to feel "insecure".

My mom usually gets us a "couple" gift for Christmas but it's almost always more for me - something for the kitchen, an electric blanket that mostly I will use, etc.

Concerning your husband correcting you in front of your family, it's possible that with his unemployment he is feeling less of a man, and correcting you in front of others is how he is exerting his authority. It's okay to let this go, to not get offended and to not be affected. How did you respond when it happened? Could your mother tell you were bothered? Did you argue back at him or stand up for yourself to him in front of the others? Early in my marriage I would have been upset, I might not have said anything to him in front of his family (or even later to him in private, because I'm non-confrontational :)), but everyone would have felt my pain, I would have "grown-up pouted" and frowned and been upset the rest of the night.

If that happened now I would just be like "Oh, hmm, okay!"

[sapphire904]

Thank you, you're reply was very helpful, as always. My husband was more bothered about the Christmas gifts because it was immediately after our wedding, but I was more bothered about the Birthdays. I think by that point, my husband gave up on expecting anything from her.

It just bothers me that she's more interested in my cat than in my husband and I. It bothers me that she doesn't trust me to make my own decisions and gets upset if I don't do what she would do. I guess I just have to live with it and pray that she'll come around. Sometimes it seems useless, though; she's so stubborn.

[sunsetssplendor]

I haven't read all of the responses yet but I can tell you my gut feeling is I would not like my son-in-law correcting my daughter in front of everyone either. There's a proper way to do things and I would find that embarassing and rude.

It also sounds like you're caught up in gifts, cards etc. I could care less if my family gets ME or my husband anything! I want their love and support. Sure, it's nice and oftentimes they do send things along for him as well but we have children and the family mostly does for them. As adults Christmas gifts aren't as important to us as they are to children. Focus on what REALLY matters. You want them to get along and be a family. That isn't going to happen until your husband goes to your Mom and ask if he's offended her in any way and apologizes. Have him extend the olive branch. If she doesn't take it then you've done your part.

[sapphire904]

I haven't read all of the responses yet but I can tell you my gut feeling is I would not like my son-in-law correcting my daughter in front of everyone either. There's a proper way to do things and I would find that embarassing and rude.

It also sounds like you're caught up in gifts, cards etc. I could care less if my family gets ME or my husband anything! I want their love and support. Sure, it's nice and oftentimes they do send things along for him as well but we have children and the family mostly does for them. As adults Christmas gifts aren't as important to us as they are to children. Focus on what REALLY matters. You want them to get along and be a family. That isn't going to happen until your husband goes to your Mom and ask if he's offended her in any way and apologizes. Have him extend the olive branch. If she doesn't take it then you've done your part.

Well, I think to write off your only child and her new husband because of a comment made one night is a little over the edge. That was 13 months ago.

I didn't post here to be judged. We're not wrapped up in gifts & cards. It was just an example. It's a little obvious when you've received a birthday card every year and then all of a sudden you get nothing, no phone call, no email. You can't honestly tell me that on your first Christmas as a married couple, you would've been perfectly fine with opening up 6-10 Christmas gifts in front of your new husband and none of them were for him or the both of you. It sounds like she was sending a message that he wasn't welcome into our family. And she bought those gifts before the night of the dinner.

In my opinion, Christmas gifts are meant for everyone, not just children. Isn't Jesus the perfect gift for all of us, young and old? We give gifts to poor familes, including the parents and food to homeless adults. I'm sure a check for $100 is more important to an adult struggling with their bills than a plastic toy is to a child who will only play with it for a week, then never touch it again. Besides, we don't have children anyway.
http://bibleforums.org/forum/images/misc/progress.gif

[sunsetssplendor]

Well, I think to write off your only child and her new husband because of a comment made one night is a little over the edge. That was 13 months ago.



I would never write off my child. I will always have allegiance to the people that came out of my body.

Christmas gifts are meant for everyone,

Here we differ. You keep bringing up the gifts/ cards. Why is it so important YOUR mother buy YOUR husband a gift or card? Does he not have parents AND a wife I might add to dote on him? I'm sorry but MOST MEN could care less about such trivial things. My husband doesn't want us to spend a thing on him during the holidays and birthday's but we do. I am not trying to be mean but you sound like you are young and need more time to view life differently. You are making a big ta-do about nothing. Big deal your mom didn't get him a gift???!!!!!

I'm sure a check for $100 is more important to an adult struggling with their bills than a plastic toy is to a child who will only play with it for a week, then never touch it again. Besides, we don't have children anyway.

So is this the real issue? You're having financial problems and you want your mom to step in and do HIS job??? You better believe I wouldn't buy my daughter's unemployed or poor job having husband a gift either - especially if he spoke what was on his mind whenever he felt like it and came across as rude - YOUR words I might add.

I see clearer now. God Bless you.

[Mercy4Me]

Sisters, we are here to help and encourage one another...please let us keep our posts loving and helpful. :hug::hug:

[Ezer Kenegdo]

Well, I think to write off your only child and her new husband because of a comment made one night is a little over the edge. That was 13 months ago.

I didn't post here to be judged. We're not wrapped up in gifts & cards. It was just an example. It's a little obvious when you've received a birthday card every year and then all of a sudden you get nothing, no phone call, no email. You can't honestly tell me that on your first Christmas as a married couple, you would've been perfectly fine with opening up 6-10 Christmas gifts in front of your new husband and none of them were for him or the both of you. It sounds like she was sending a message that he wasn't welcome into our family. And she bought those gifts before the night of the dinner.

I somehow missed that the comment thing happened right after you got married - I was thinking it was this past Christmas. And yes, I would have been upset that my mom bought several gifts only for me and didn't get my husband anything. I probably would have spoken with my husband about what to do and maybe even returned them - I'm not sure. But since it is now a year later, and your mom has proven to just be this kind of person with you and your husband, your better off just not expecting anything.

One year we went to my aunts house for Christmas. My aunts granddaughter was there, along with my 3 daughters. Both of my aunts bought gifts for the other cousin, but none for my girls. In their defense, they saw this child more, and only saw my girls a few times a year. But my girls were sad not to open anything, we stayed in the dining room eating dessert while the cousin opened her gifts. I just told my girls what I told you - that they feel closer to the other girl because they are with her more, and that we have SO much to be thankful for, it's okay that they didn't get gifts from the aunts! Let's not dwell on what we didn't get, and be thankful for what we DO have. :)

I also wanted to say one more thing - concerning your husbands attitude toward you. You are newly married, and if I read your post right you only knew each other 6 months before getting married? I only knew my dh 6 weeks. :D It takes time for you to begin to cherish each other. It doesn't happen magically overnight. Be patient with your husband, win his heart, serve him and love him.

[livingwaters]

sapphire904, I'll be praying for your situation...May the Lord open the hearts that need to be opened. Find your comfort in the Lord!!! Cast all your cares on HIM!!! Take up HIS yoke, it is lighter!!!

God Bless:):hug:

[sunsetssplendor]

I've been re-thinking my reply to you and I want to
apologize if I offended you in any way. I've been thinking over
your situation and this is what my spirit is saying. As a mother
we LOVE LOVE LOVE our children dearly and sometimes they
pick spouses we wouldn't necessarily pick for them. It will take
time for your husband to "prove" himself (in a sense) as being
worthy of her little girl b/c our daughters will ALWAYS be our
little girls. We still want to take away the hurts and pain when
they are all grown up!!!!!! Age doesn't mean you stop belonging
to us! :)

As a mother we watch VERY closely how people interact with
our children - especially spouses and significant others. If she
perceives anything that is "off" she is NOT going to be happy
about it and as a mother I KNOW we can't hide it - NOT when
it comes to our children - the people we would lay our lives down
for without a hesitation.

Take all of the gifts out of it and the meat of it is both your mom and your husband love you and it will take time to bridge that gap between
the two. It will also help when your husband finds satisfying work
and things pick up for you two. I know starting out it is hard so
hang in there and don't throw in the towel yet.