I need help! (Teen thing)

[WonderWoman4Jesus]

Hi, I was hoping some of the parents here on the forum could help me. My niece, Desiree, I call her Dee, is twelve. She's already turned teen and says duh and "you're so boring" to me all the time. Anyway, when she comes over we have problems getting her to do her homework. We offer to help her but she keeps diddly daddling or talking on her cell phone. Second, her parents are how can I put this "hands off" and don't really care what she watches or reads. Yes, my sister is the one who allowed my nephew to start having sex when he was twelve and the father bought him condoms!:o

Anyway, right now she's reading "A Child Called It" and "Twilight" and my mother and I told her we don't like it. "A Child Called It" deals with heavy duty child abuse and I think is too heavy for her age. I don't like twilight because it deals with vampires! Also she's into these "slasher" films. I've told her those are dangerous as people are killed and cut up in horrible ways. She went to see "My Bloody Valentine" with her friend and her mother:( I told her these warp your mind and desensitize her to violence.

Also, I heard her and her friend talking about some guy making out with some girl! It worries me!

Please help. I want to set a good example and encourage her to like school and have a sense of innocence.

God bless

[Seeker of truth]

My 13 year old was given a copy of "A child called it" to read in school. I was quite upset and contacted her teacher about it. IMO that is far too mature for a 12 year old to read. I've not read "Twilight" but I doubt I'd allow my 13 year old to read that either. My 13 year old doesn't have a cell phone either.

Kids grow up too quickly. I am very strict with my kids.

I would speak with her parents about this and share your concerns. Hopefully they will receive what you say and keep a closer eye on things :hug:

[WonderWoman4Jesus]

Thanks, I have talked to my sister, but she really just shrugs it off. She says "all kids have cell phones" and all that. This is the same sister that bought my niece a shirt (she's twelve) saying "I'm a hottie!" I really feel she needs to be more into more innocent stuff and feel this stuff is too mature and too much. Twilight is a big fad right now, but it creeps me out (I hate vampire stuff). Thanks for the suggestion.

[steelerbabe]

Part of it may be the age. I have a 12 year old and it is a difficult age. I try to find postive activities for Grace to participate in. I will be praying for her:hug: Be patient and try to gently guide her. She is fortunate to have you as her Aunt.

[Seeker of truth]

Thanks, I have talked to my sister, but she really just shrugs it off. She says "all kids have cell phones" and all that. This is the same sister that bought my niece a shirt (she's twelve) saying "I'm a hottie!" I really feel she needs to be more into more innocent stuff and feel this stuff is too mature and too much. Twilight is a big fad right now, but it creeps me out (I hate vampire stuff). Thanks for the suggestion.

Pray. I'll keep this situation in my prayers as well. It's very unfortunate your sister is so lax with her rules. I can't imagine buying a shirt like that for my 24 year old let alone my 13 year old :(

Perhaps you could buy her some appropriate reading material and clothing for her age. Ya never know, she may like it :hug:

[livingwaters]

My advice would be to show her how you and your family live and respect the Lord. That needs to come first!! I didn't hear a whole lot about the Lord in your conversations with her or her mother. Without HIM, we can do nothing. Just be the best witness you can be. It's hard to compete with her mom, since there seems to be no boundaries! So, just pray about it, and stand your ground for morality and praise and worhsip to the One who gives us life!!! She is very fortunate to have someone like you to care about her and her life!

God Bless:)



http://i305.photobucket.com/albums/nn201/cherylhebert/encouragement/c78d7d272d0e7944dce2e7f481cf17da.gif

[Xel'Naga]

Hi, I was hoping some of the parents here on the forum could help me. My niece, Desiree, I call her Dee, is twelve. She's already turned teen and says duh and "you're so boring" to me all the time. Anyway, when she comes over we have problems getting her to do her homework. We offer to help her but she keeps diddly daddling or talking on her cell phone. Second, her parents are how can I put this "hands off" and don't really care what she watches or reads. Yes, my sister is the one who allowed my nephew to start having sex when he was twelve and the father bought him condoms!:o

Anyway, right now she's reading "A Child Called It" and "Twilight" and my mother and I told her we don't like it. "A Child Called It" deals with heavy duty child abuse and I think is too heavy for her age. I don't like twilight because it deals with vampires! Also she's into these "slasher" films. I've told her those are dangerous as people are killed and cut up in horrible ways. She went to see "My Bloody Valentine" with her friend and her mother:( I told her these warp your mind and desensitize her to violence.

Also, I heard her and her friend talking about some guy making out with some girl! It worries me!

Please help. I want to set a good example and encourage her to like school and have a sense of innocence.

God bless

Well, to be unpopular... Are you one of her parents? As for Twilight... Not something I would lose sleep over.

[paradiseinn]

This is the same sister that bought my niece a shirt (she's twelve) saying "I'm a hottie!" .


"i'm a hottie"?, she's 12!, are you kidding me?!!!
I would flipout on any relative of mine that would give my little girl a t-shirt that said anything like that. (sorry when I read that I got mad:B)
she is 12!!!!
my little girl who is 4 years old said (1 time) that a certain shirt made her look fat! what is happening in this world?....she is 4!!!!!!:B

(As far as her homework, take away her phone until her homework is done) You can only do so much!
Kids are going to find out things on their own. Pray and lead by example.
I use to love horror movies, but the closer I get to God the more I don't like them. your neice is at the age where see wants to do things on her own. If you lead by example then she may get bored with her own way and be attracted to God's and your way of life.

[ServantofTruth]

'When she comes over' - is the key.

What she does away from you you have no control over, but when she is in your house or anyone elses she plays by your rules. She needs to clearly know this and so do her parents. Your house - Your rules.

It is a privalige to be a guest in someone elses house and if you don't follow the rules - yes the privalige is withdrawn until you do!

So if there's no long mobile calls at your house, that's the rule. Surely her mother/ father can call on the home main phone, so make the rules the mobile is turned off at the doorstep. And only goes back on as she steps out of the house to go home.

If she's being rude and disrespecting you, anywhere, but especially in your house - it stops immediatly or she goes home and doesn't come round again until she can be respectful.

She only watches on your tv what you think is suitable, only reads suitable books in your house....etc etc.

It's not as differcult as you think.

If I said to you I'm coming over to drink until I'm smashed out of my brain become verbally and physically violent, and am sick on your carpets and smash up your house - what would you do? Say No! If I still came you wouldn't let me in?

If I said I've just commited a robbery and I want to put the stolen goods in your house; or I want to do ilegal drugs at your place - you'd say No and you wouldn't let me in your house.

Why is it, with relatives and children people forget the basics. Your house/ your rules. Repeat after me Your house/ your rules your house your rules your house your rules.

And don't fall for any nonsense, like I need a baby sitter, or she needs to see her extended family. Both may be true. But she needs to do this in a safe enviroment/ a christian enviroment. If the parents don't accept this, if the child doesn't accept this, and if YOU aren't strong enough to provide this - then the child needs to be told clearly you can't come round.

I'd love to have this child round to my house. I admit I wouldn't have coped before having my children. I wouldn't have coped 10 years ago. But now we have other people's children round and with the one who's parents obvious don't set bounderies, they immediatly respond to our rules. They see you get if you respond, you lose if you don't.

It's funny we knew a girl who lived in our road afew year back. Not like our children at all and I admit not the kind of child I'd like my son's to mix with. But she started just coming round. There were a few problems. But it became a daily thing. She'd play at our house and we became quite fond of her.

My wife or I would walk her home, even though she arrived by herself and didn't at first like us doing it. We'd make contact with her mother. I feel it was a shame for this girl that we had to move. Because she had a safe place to play instead of wondering the streets at only about 8 years old. Also she learned rules and love, freely given. I fear for her now.

You can do this. :) You can set up a similar safe enviroment. :hug: But it is important you stand up to her parents as well as the child. Your house your rules. God bless, SofTy.

[Seeker of truth]

'When she comes over' - is the key.

What she does away from you you have no control over, but when she is in your house or anyone elses she plays by your rules. She needs to clearly know this and so do her parents. Your house - Your rules.

It is a privalige to be a guest in someone elses house and if you don't follow the rules - yes the privalige is withdrawn until you do!

So if there's no long mobile calls at your house, that's the rule. Surely her mother/ father can call on the home main phone, so make the rules the mobile is turned off at the doorstep. And only goes back on as she steps out of the house to go home.

If she's being rude and disrespecting you, anywhere, but especially in your house - it stops immediatly or she goes home and doesn't come round again until she can be respectful.

She only watches on your tv what you think is suitable, only reads suitable books in your house....etc etc.

It's not as differcult as you think.

If I said to you I'm coming over to drink until I'm smashed out of my brain become verbally and physically violent, and am sick on your carpets and smash up your house - what would you do? Say No! If I still came you wouldn't let me in?

If I said I've just commited a robbery and I want to put the stolen goods in your house; or I want to do ilegal drugs at your place - you'd say No and you wouldn't let me in your house.

Why is it, with relatives and children people forget the basics. Your house/ your rules. Repeat after me Your house/ your rules your house your rules your house your rules.

And don't fall for any nonsense, like I need a baby sitter, or she needs to see her extended family. Both may be true. But she needs to do this in a safe enviroment/ a christian enviroment. If the parents don't accept this, if the child doesn't accept this, and if YOU aren't strong enough to provide this - then the child needs to be told clearly you can't come round.

I'd love to have this child round to my house. I admit I wouldn't have coped before having my children. I wouldn't have coped 10 years ago. But now we have other people's children round and with the one who's parents obvious don't set bounderies, they immediatly respond to our rules. They see you get if you respond, you lose if you don't.

It's funny we knew a girl who lived in our road afew year back. Not like our children at all and I admit not the kind of child I'd like my son's to mix with. But she started just coming round. There were a few problems. But it became a daily thing. She'd play at our house and we became quite fond of her.

My wife or I would walk her home, even though she arrived by herself and didn't at first like us doing it. We'd make contact with her mother. I feel it was a shame for this girl that we had to move. Because she had a safe place to play instead of wondering the streets at only about 8 years old. Also she learned rules and love, freely given. I fear for her now.

You can do this. :) You can set up a similar safe enviroment. :hug: But it is important you stand up to her parents as well as the child. Your house your rules. God bless, SofTy.

Good advice.

Take her to Church with you. Be an example. You seem to really care about her and that's wonderful. You can be a light in the darkness to help her find her way to Him :) :hug:

[moonglow]

My son read twilight and the one after it and starting on the third one...he wants me to read twilight which I did start but then I get busy and forget about it. The focus is more on the romance (I was told by the lady in the book store) and yes its very popular among this age group right now. On the other book, a Child called it...I would ask her about it...ask her what the story is about...what she thinks of it...so at least she has you to tell you if its upsetting her any...or if she has any questions about it. If she seems too upset about it, gently suggest maybe she should stop reading it. I won't read it..I think it would haunt me forever...:( Since you aren't her parent though their isn't much you can do about this because she will read what she wants when out of your care. You can forbid she read these books while in your home and take her cellphone away until after she does her homework...

I am afraid its a losing battle as far as redirecting her to more innocent things considering you aren't raising her and she goes back into that same home situation. This is where you do preventative care! Start educating her on how to stay safe in certain situations...talk to her about not using drugs, drinking...about how many young teen lives are destroyed over early sex, STD, unwanted pregnancies and on and on...I do these things with my son also because eventually he will stop listening to me and more to his friends instead...but if I build these core values early hopefully he will want to resist the peer pressure...

I do it in sullen ways. I don't sit down and lecture him...he would never listen if I did that. I use 'teaching moments' instead. For instance when that big news article came out of a 12 year old boy in the UK fathering a baby...I showed him the news stories and pictures and said..you think you have problems...look at this kid..read him a little ...said, he has no clue how to take care of a baby or any idea how much it cost for things like diapers...my son then asked how much diapers cost and I said alot! And his eyes got really big. He then asked me about how much other baby things cost which I told him. I used teaching moments like this to help him see their are consequences for our actions...no matter what the person's age is. Then of course I say this is why God wants people to wait until they are married, they both have the education they need to take care of the baby. The dad has to work to support the baby and mother and working at a fast food place isn't going to cut it...I always work God's standards these things.

When their is a news story of someone ruining their life because of drugs or drinking I point it out to him...'well that person just threw their life away'...this is why God doesn't want us to do these things...its against the law and causes major healthy problems, ruined families, etc...

And of course things that come up in everyday life I use as a teaching moment...moral standards based on the bible, how to handle certain situations...pretty much anything and everything. I just read a news article that says while teens may appear to not be listening they are...so don't let her discourage your efforts...no matter how much she rolls her eyes, says its boring, etc, keep talking. You are planting seeds!

God bless

[karenoka27]

I have raised my three children. I have three sisters. We were kind of like that saying, "It takes a village to raise a child" kind of thing. Seems like you are in that as well.

I babysat my sisters kids and they slept over often. In the end, I was only responsible for my own. My sisters allowed for things that I didn't. I didn't like it,but it was out of my control. I kept my kids busy in youth group activities and whatever I thought was right. My sisters chose not too.

They are all now grown. My two girls married wonderful Christian men, my son is in youth ministry and may be getting married within the next 2 years.

One of my nephew's has been in jail and the other one is living with his girlfriend and no longer speaks to the family. It is heartbreaking.

All you can do is pray.Set an example of how you live and talk about your faith in the Lord. Actions as we know speak much louder than words.:hug:

[WonderWoman4Jesus]

Thanks for the advice guys. About talking to Sandy about Christ, well she used to be Christian at some point, but that was a long time ago. She's hostile to any religion and especially to me because she thinks "I interfere in her life." I pray for her and have told Sandy I love her. She's been invovled in drugs, and I told her if she wants help I am there, but I am not there to supply her money to get drugs. It's a mess, plain and simple. My mother works full-time and I got to school full-time, so I do my best to see Dee as often as I can. I was planning on going to a picnic in the park and riding bikes together over Spring Break.

I like the advice about the rules. Dee is a good kid and very smart, I just don't think she's challenged enough by her parents. My sister has it in her to be a good parent she's just sort of... given up. The good news is I have talked to Desiree about Christ and she has started reading the Bible. I have offered to get her a Bible more suited to her age. I loved my Psalty's Bible when I was her age. I also have told her about how wrong "being hot" and all the things on TV are. We try to watch things together that are better, like she loves "Spongebob" and "High School Musical."

She does hate how Miley Cyrus is acting, so she refuses to watch her anymore. I had her change her cell phone wallpaper. It had the Phillsbury Doughboy with a gun saying something like "poke me one more time" and then had the B word. I told her this was innapporpriate and she needed to have different wallpaper so she changed it a picture of her dog, Chiquita. I told her I was proud of her for doing well in school, and that I would help her anyway I could. I tell her I love her and I do.

But, I do keep my sister and her family in prayer, and the situation shows hopeful signs. I have prayed to God to help my handle my sister with more Christ-like finasse (sp?)

God bless

[karenoka27]

Praying with you....:hug:

[Kirby123]

Hey, I’m 17 years old and I believe (in my teenage stupidity) that i can see both ends of the spectrum.

when I was 15 I read the book "a child called it". Personally that book touched my life because my parents are foster parents (I’m not adopted but we have been blessed with a 5 year old that we adopted) three of my aunts and uncles are foster parents and my grandmother is a foster parent. I have seen crack babies that are only 5 days old and they tremble because of the addiction that their mothers gave to them. I have seen 4 year olds with bruises all over their bodies from their fathers. In fact my grandmother right now has a 5 week old with a cast on her leg and a cast on her arm. Its the most pitiful and saddening thing I have ever seen. "A child called it" really put that into perspective for me.

About twilight, i have read the book. It is EXTREMLY popular among kids. i would NOT suggest her to read this book, it teaches very unhealthy love habits. the story does have to do with vampires but in an extremly watered down sence, theres no ocult or anything dark, infact up till the end of the book the vampires in the book don't even drink human blood. but about the relation ship things. The book tells about this love story that came strait from lust. she 'loves' him because of how good he looks, he 'loves' her because he likes how she looks (and a few other vampire things but i won't get into that) the book tells that the girl wants to die for the boy (vampire). and it says that if the boy were to die then she would take her own life. which almost happens in the book when the boy rejects her. I wouldn't recomend this book to anyone. even without those flaws the story line was flat the characters were static and really its a giant waste of time. not to mention unhealthy for the reader.

EDIT: this is an after thought, the world is comming down with these things that point to self image and whatnot. i have one thing to blame and you might think im crazy for it but just hear me out.

Disney channel and Nickeloneon. (or however you spell it). on those channels there are TV shows that are all about ones self image. in the show "Icarly" they were talking about push up bras but the actors are only around 14 or 15 i believe but they play as a child who is 14 or 15. also the show has this girl living alone with her brother whos 19. its all about her independance of course its laced with child humor of people tripping and falling and getting hurt and such, but an underlying message is superiority, defiance, self-image, and finacial success.
the show "suite life with zach and cody" has a character that is your typical rich yet dumb-as-a-mule person. who is CONSTANTLY using lines like "does this make me look fat", "would this look good with my skirt?", "i wouldn't go out with him blah-blah-blah" and the vain conciet that she has is quite a bad image. the list goes on that i might write a rant about sometime but i just thought you might want to know that.

[moonglow]

Kirby123...I found your view point interesting on both twilight and about Icarly...I see both totally differently. I watched the twilight movie with my son on the computer and what little I have read of the book so far the attraction isn't purely physically at all.. but you are right parents of those reading this do need to talk to their kids about how this is like any worldly love...not godly love...sadly this is what they are going to see the most of..worldly love in their friends, and in the media.... as far as Icarly show I don't see the show in this way at all. I am not sure what happened to her parents that her brother has to raise her, but there didn't seem to be another option other then her living with her grandfather. They both have had to be independant because they don't have any parents....but different family members are always checking on them. They do address how hard it is to be on their own like this too. I don't see them as trying to be arrogant about it or acting like they want to be on their own. Oh I did just a search...apparently the mother is dead and the dad is deployed in the navy.

I don't see them overly concerned with their looks at all and having watched probably every show with my son I never saw anything about push up bras...can't even image them talking about that at all anyway. The show usually has a good message in it...about not lying, not cheating, being kind to others and doing your best. I am quite a bit older then you are so maybe I just see more to it...don't know. Of course its a comedy too.

WonderWoman4Jesus ...that is great that you are giving her alot of positive feedback ...she will respond to that. Sorry though to hear she is hostile to hearing about Jesus. :(

God bless

[sunsetssplendor]

Well, to be unpopular... Are you one of her parents? As for Twilight... Not something I would lose sleep over.

I so agree. People get so worked up over things that really are NOT that important. I plan on reading Twilight WITH my daughter. My Christian coworker did the same b/c her daughter REALLY wanted to read it. It's a great opportunity to DISCUSS things and clarify issues with them. My understanding is Twilight is very innocent with NO sex and very innocent hand holding etc.

As for "duh," and "you're so boring" = welcome to teen life. Not many of them walk around telling adults how perfect, fun and hip they think we are. I know, I have a teen that thinks I'm old as dirt and I'm not even 40 yet! I have a few years left before I get there. :/

As an aunt please understand your role is to love, support and encourage. Parent you are not. You can only do so much and of course always be available for her when the need arises.


We "Christians" get so caught up in small things sometimes. It's no wonder everyone thinks we're righteous hypocrites and I'm not speaking of you WW, but in general. We beat a dead horse sometimes and I KNOW I'm guilty of it myself that's why I'm learning to choose my battles carefully.

Peace,

[Godisnumber1]

everyone has given good advice :)

imho, 'a child called it' is a wonderful book. i read the whole series when i was 11 or 12, and it really made me value what i have as a home life. i really don't think it's horrible, personally. as for 'twilight', i love it. i agree, it should be read at an older age, but the books really aren't horrible. you need to be older to read the books anyways, because they are targeted at an older audience. she probably won't understand it.

servantoftruth said it best: it's your house, your rules. as your aunt, she needs to respect that, and so does your sister. it seems like your sister is trying to be more of a friend to your niece than the motherly figure.

i work with k-5, and it's crazy what some of the older kids discuss and they have. it blows my mind sometimes. :crazy:

i will be praying!