My struggles

[Welder4Christ]

3 yrs. ago, the Lord delivered me from a meth-amphetamine habit that consumed 18 yrs. of my life, on-and-off. It seemed like whenever something tragic or painful would enter my life, I would always go running to the drug as an escape.

2 yrs. ago, He delivered me from marijuana and cigarrettes.

Since He has delivered me, by His grace, I have managed to stay clean and not to use.

For the past few weeks, I had something rock the boat in my life, and I have been tempted to go out and use. I believe that the Lord has given me the strength to refrain, but even so, I'm quite concerned that I might slip and fall.

I've already slipped in one area of my walk. A few weeks ago, I put a knife to my arm and cut myself. This is something that I also thought the Lord had delivered me from. This stemmed from an overwhelming feeling of rage against myself, and this is something that I used to do before coming to Christ. It really scared me when this happened, because it was as though something came over me, and I lost all control. I had such hatred towards myself, that I started cutting and cutting, and this went on until I finally knelt beside my bed and cried out to the Lord....how sorry I was that I'd let Him down, and I was so scared.

Yesterday, I almost slipped up again. I was so tempted to go out and buy a razor, and cut my arm to shreds. If I hadn't been at work, I'm afraid I would have done something. I kept fantasizing about slitting my wrists, and kept thinking about stabbing myself, and how much I deserved it. I hated myself so much at that point, and I spent most of the day in a foggy depression.

I don't know what's going on with me, but I do know that I'm scared. I love God so much, and yesterday, I actually was saying in my mind that I hoped I'd go to hell....not because I don't want to be with God (as a matterof fact, I want that more than anything), but because I don't deserve to be in the presence of such a wonderful and loving God.

I love God so much, and I know that I must be disappointing Him with all of this behaviour, but even so, these thoughts just come, and they are mainly triggered by something that will make me feel inadequate, or like God loves other people more than me.

Anyhow, it's to the point where I'm at my wits end. I feel like I'm going to go crazy with all of these thoughts. How does a person deal with urges of self-mutilation? Do Christians typically struggle with thoughts of suicide, or fantasize about being murdered?

I don't understand how the Holy Spirit can be inside of me, and me struggle with these thoughts. It's as though they just come out of nowhere!!!!!

[cheech]

Romans 7:14-25
14We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. 15I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[a (http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=romans%207:13-35;&version=31;#fen-NIV-28095a)] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

21So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22For in my inner being I delight in God's law; 23but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. 24What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? 25Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!


So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.


The first thing I want you to remember is that all men and women struggle against the sins of the flesh. Above you will see that Paul struggled hard against sin and hated it too. But he knew that he had Jesus Christ who would rescue him!



For the past few weeks, I had something rock the boat in my life, and I have been tempted to go out and use. I believe that the Lord has given me the strength to refrain, but even so, I'm quite concerned that I might slip and fall.


Here's the problem right there. We all have trigger points that draw us back to our old ways...or at least try too. Whatever happened was your trigger that made you want to go back to your old ways and cut yourself.


I've already slipped in one area of my walk. A few weeks ago, I put a knife to my arm and cut myself. This is something that I also thought the Lord had delivered me from. This stemmed from an overwhelming feeling of rage against myself, and this is something that I used to do before coming to Christ. It really scared me when this happened, because it was as though something came over me, and I lost all control. I had such hatred towards myself, that I started cutting and cutting, and this went on until I finally knelt beside my bed and cried out to the Lord....how sorry I was that I'd let Him down, and I was so scared.


Did this rage have anything to do with whatever "rocked the boat in your life"? When you use things such as drugs and alcohol, this is to remove yourself from your problem so you don't think about it. When you cut yourself it's an action against yourself for emotional reasons...anger, rage, hatred, unworthiness, etc. Did something happen that made you angry with yourself or bring on feelings of unworthiness and rejection? When the Lord delivers us from something, he removes it but we are the ones who open the door back up to sin by doing it. The temptuous thoughts may come from the enemy but we make the choice to open that door back up by allowing ourselves to do that which we know we shouldn't be doing...in your case, cutting yourself. Once that door is open, the enemy comes in and takes over. Remember what God said to Cain when God rejected Cains offering as opposed to his brother's Abel's whom he accepted:


Genesis 4:6-7:
Then the LORD said to Cain, "Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? 7 If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it."


Here we see that when Cain is angry, sin is crouching at his door just waiting to get in. What sin? Well, anger is a sin but we all suffer from it...it's what we do with it that brings in sin. Do we remain angry, do something out of anger or do we turn that anger over to God and gain control of the sin. Below you will see that sin came busting through Cain's door:


Gen 4:8
Now Cain said to his brother Abel, "Let's go out to the field." And while they were in the field, Cain attacked his brother Abel and killed him.


You cut yourself because you feel negatively or badly about yourself so you feel you must punish yourself by cutting.



Romans 12:2
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.


This also means you must renew your mind in the way you think about yourself too. We all go through feelings of depression, rejection, unworthiness, etc. But for many it's a problem because it stems so far back and is deep rooted. First you must find out what is your root problem...fear? Not good enough? Anger? etc. What is it that causes you to think so badly about yourself that you feel you deserve to mutilate yourself? Do you not know that the Lord does not even think that way about you? Any feelings of negativity do not come from the Lord but from the enemy.



Learn to identify the triggers that cause you to want to run to drugs or alcohol or cut yourself. Then you have to have a plan of action against it. Whenever I come across the old feelings of rejection and unworthiness I always ask God to expose the lies of the enemy and reveal the truth. I then ask Him to help me to see things through His eyes and then I wait. I find verses in the bible pertaining to my situation and I pray for strength asking God to repair my armor (armor of God) and strengthen it.


I will stop here and see what you think before going further. Remember one other thing...


Mark 3:28-29
I tell you the truth, all the sins and blasphemies of men will be forgiven them. 29But whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will never be forgiven; he is guilty of an eternal sin."



There is only ONE sin that will never be forgiven...everything else is forgiven. Stand firm against the tempting thoughts. There is no situation that God cannot provide a way out of.

[livingwaters]

I ordered these cards from Beth Moore who is very knowledgable of the Word. She has a genuine heart of love for God's children.

Father, Your Word says that I , Your child, was called to be free. Please help me not use my freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rathe, help me to use my freedom to serve others in love. Galatians 5:13

Lord, I belong to Christ Jesus, therfore I have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Galatians 5:24

My Lord and Savior, you have told me that if I live by the Spirit, I will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. Galatians 5:16

My mighty God, thank You for Your Word that exhorts me not to become weary in doing good. At the porper time I will reap a harvest if I do not give up. Galatians 6:9

Father, I pray also that the eyes of my heart may be enlightened in order that I may know the hope to which YOU have called me, the riches of Your glorious inheritance in the saints. Ephesians 1:18

:pray:Please take your Bible with you everywheres and read it often!!!!!! Pray without ceasing...that means, pray without ceasing!!! Play Christian tv, music, dvds, the WHOLE NINE YARDS!!!! Keep satan at bay. Read Epehsians 6 and learn how to wear and fight with the wholed armour of God...Speak scripture aloud...see, that will disable satan. The Bible says that at the name of Jesus, satan has to flee!!! So, use God's Word to fight your battles. Stay in Christian fellowship, not with non-believers. If you don't have a church, find one!!! One that teaches the "true" Word of God!!!!

See, just as God is always on HIS Throne, satan is always lurking to see who he can devour. Be faithful to the Lord....HE always does HIS part!!! We have to do ours, no matter what!!!!!:hug:

May the Hand of the Lord embrace you and not let go!!!! Alleluia:pray:

[Welder4Christ]

Did this rage have anything to do with whatever "rocked the boat in your life"?

Actually, a few weeks ago, it had nothing to do with that particular incident. It had to do with the fact that I thought I was slipping away from God, and my prayer/devotional life was going cold.
I was so angry with myself for my lack of discipline. I know, it sounds really weird, but that's what caused the incident.

When you use things such as drugs and alcohol, this is to remove yourself from your problem so you don't think about it.

I used to use it to deal with my depression and loneliness.

When you cut yourself it's an action against yourself for emotional reasons...anger, rage, hatred, unworthiness, etc. Did something happen that made you angry with yourself or bring on feelings of unworthiness and rejection?

Yep....just what I explained above.

When the Lord delivers us from something, he removes it but we are the ones who open the door back up to sin by doing it. The temptuous thoughts may come from the enemy but we make the choice to open that door back up by allowing ourselves to do that which we know we shouldn't be doing...in your case, cutting yourself. Once that door is open, the enemy comes in and takes over. Remember what God said to Cain when God rejected Cains offering as opposed to his brother's Abel's whom he accepted:


Genesis 4:6-7:
Then the LORD said to Cain, "Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? 7 If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it."


Here we see that when Cain is angry, sin is crouching at his door just waiting to get in. What sin? Well, anger is a sin but we all suffer from it...it's what we do with it that brings in sin. Do we remain angry, do something out of anger or do we turn that anger over to God and gain control of the sin. Below you will see that sin came busting through Cain's door:


Gen 4:8
Now Cain said to his brother Abel, "Let's go out to the field." And while they were in the field, Cain attacked his brother Abel and killed him.


You cut yourself because you feel negatively or badly about yourself so you feel you must punish yourself by cutting.

These feelings are deep-seated, been feeling like that since childhood. I know that the Lord is transforming me, but transformation doesn't happen overnight.

I'm still trying to figure out what the difference is between not acting in the flesh, and just sucking all of your emotions back up inside. At what point do we not deal with our emotions, because I'm starting to get the impression that's what I've been doing, but I thought that I was walking in the Spirit.

I mean, I know that the anger is still there, but I've just been pretty much ignoring it, and not acting on it. How do we deal with those feelings without feeding the flesh by engaging in them? I know that we are to surrender them to God, but this is such a general statement...how would we do this?


This also means you must renew your mind in the way you think about yourself too. We all go through feelings of depression, rejection, unworthiness, etc. But for many it's a problem because it stems so far back and is deep rooted. First you must find out what is your root problem...fear? Not good enough? Anger? etc. What is it that causes you to think so badly about yourself that you feel you deserve to mutilate yourself? Do you not know that the Lord does not even think that way about you? Any feelings of negativity do not come from the Lord but from the enemy.

Oh, I know this, but the thing is, like you said, those feelings are just so deep-rooted. That's why I loved meth so much....because it gave me this artificial boost of self-confidence, and I loved feeling like I could do anything, like superman. It was almost like it disguised all of the nasty self-loathing. Now that I'm not on meth anymore, it's hard to know exactly how to deal with the inadequacy.
I know that last night, as I was laying all of this out before the Lord, He basically pointed me to the fact that a lot of it stems from abandonment issues. Everyone that I have loved in my life has abandoned me, and subconsciously, I am deathly afraid that God's going to do that, too.

I know that I need to work on my faith a lot, and resting in that promise that he will never leave me nor forsake me. I've had a lot of trouble forming attachments, and now that I am emotionally attached to God, there is this part of me that is afraid He will get tired of me, and leave me. I know that's not the case, but that's where I'm at.

Believe me, I know all of the Scriptures where He promises not to do that. Knowing it is not the problem....It's going to take a few years of walking with the Lord before my mind fully realizes that.

Learn to identify the triggers that cause you to want to run to drugs or alcohol

Well, it has to do with an incident that happened at church, of all places. Also, I get very lonely and depressed, and that can trigger it, too.

Whenever I come across the old feelings of rejection and unworthiness I always ask God to expose the lies of the enemy and reveal the truth. I then ask Him to help me to see things through His eyes and then I wait. I find verses in the bible pertaining to my situation and I pray for strength asking God to repair my armor (armor of God) and strengthen it.

That's a good plan.

One of the things that you just mentioned, about waiting....that's really good, because I know that I get impatient at those times when I don't feel God's presence. My immediate thought is that He has abandoned me, and I get really worried that I did something wrong. I just think that I'm really immature in my faith.

Then, I get so worried that the concept of waiting doesn't even come into play, but you're right....that's probably God's way of instilling patience in me.

This has been really helpful so far. Thank you.

[cheech]

Your root cause is fear. The problem with fear is it brings along alot of tagalongs...depression, and loneliness are a couple. Fear of abandonment I know well although no one ever abandoned me as a child but friends did leave me in school which caused feelings of rejection and unworthiness. As time went on it only got bigger.

How do we surrender to God. Good question. I had to ask Him last year :rolleyes:. The one thing I did was every day when I'd have feelings of fear and whatever else, I would pray (or drop to my knees and pray) and say "God, today I surrender to you fear, anger, doubt, etc...I don't want them as your word says...(here I say a scripture of how we need to get rid of those feelings). I declare the fruits of the spirit (then name them all). Please take these things from me" When I could, I would say it out loud. I had to do it many times a day for over a month before I'd start to feel better. The things is, yes, it does take time but these are strongholds. We are still human and go through human emotion so we are going to suffer through them at times but the key is not to let it overtake you. You have to fight it with the sword (word of God) and shield (faith). Many times we want Him to just take these things away but the problem with that is that we won't know how to stand firm against anything by Him taking everything away. So, as is the case with me, He puts me in situations where I have no choice but to face the things I fear most because he wants me seek Him for the answers and to strengthen me. I can assume whatever I want in these fears meaning if I suffer from anger, am I angry for the right reasons or the wrong reasons. He is going to put me in every situation that will cause me anger until I learn to control it which means leaning on Him and praying. If my problem is patience, which it was, and I prayed for patience, He put me behind every slow driver and in every slow checkout just to teach me patience.

If the fact that you became angry at yourself for lack of discipline to the point of wanting to cut yourself, then this says that you have something there that God wants you to address within yourself that doesn't need to be there. Could just be lying dormant. There is something within yourself you need to face...because to feel you have to punish yourself over it is wrong. Possibly feelings of unworthiness (not good enough) or perfection. So now He wants you to see yourself through His eyes and not through the perception of satan. You can go to the Bible to see what He really thinks of you.

You have to look at why you feel the way you do when things arise. You have to discern if they are correct feelings or incorrect feelings. I know for me God is bringing up things He knows I need to rid myself of so in my case, as I said, He's putting me in situations where He knows I fear just to show me my fears are unfounded and it's the enemy's lies I'm listening too. We all go through it.

So now you have to think about the lies that you are listening too. Are you listening to the one who wants to tear you down or the one who wants to build you up?

[turtledove]

I agree with what Cheech has shared here about fear..and I also agree that you have identified the problem here rightly as being mainly, at least in part---an old abandonment issue.

Having lost my own father at a young age (he died) and my mother who abused alcohol..(so she often wasn't present emotionally) and having lived with an abusive stepfather who was alcoholic.. I have dealt with abandonment/neglect issues for most of my life and still do every so often when some thing happens. Even in a relatively small matter old feelings can come back ..feelings of being sort of lost or that God is far away from me at the moment.

Over the years this has become less and less because I have grown in understanding of the scriptures which fill my thoughts more and more; and because I am very active in situations where my focus isn't as much on my old issues as once was necessary since I am focusing on the needs of others. And bottom line is that I continue to grow in my faith and understanding that God is my Father and loves me!

The dark thoughts and feelings just don't raise their heads all that often as they once did: But I have had lots of practice fighting this.


Yet recently the old feelings came back again over a small incident which set them off and this happened at church regarding my ministry there. I felt left out of something in which usually I would have been included and my mind and feelings took a downward spiral with thoughts of "they don't want me, etc." until I went to get it cleared up with someone I trusted who could explain what was happening to me. From her I found out that the particular group I was in was not included because several were committed elsewhere that night. So it didn't have anything to do with me personally.

Well, that was a relief and here again was an opportunity for me to examine my emotional reaction and get a few clues on how this negative process can happen. Something triggers this and our thinking and emotions can go into a real downward spin. When that happens I sometimes think how easy it would be to "just go and get drunk." but no way...that has not been my solution for 39 years and I know that would be only a temporary fix and not a very good one at that! From what you have shared here already I think you know what I am saying even though you once used a different fixer upper than I did.

The fixer upper is God..and the scriptures are His healing Word for us:

He'll lift us out of the pit our feelings are in as we turn to Him. He'll set us on a rock if we trust and believe. (see Psalm 40) He is more powerful than any lies the enemy of our soul tries to work into our thinking.

There are already some significant scriptures shared on this thread but specifically Psalm 139 is my very favorite to read when I have something happen and feel like "Where are you God?" When I read it I realize that God's thoughts are very precious and so many in number. Notice how the Psalm descibes God's thoughts (vs. 17-18) to our thoughts (vs. 23-24) :)

Psalm 139:1-18, 23-24 (NIV)

1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.

2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

Just a small suggestion but you may find it helpful to find a particular Psalm or paragraph from scriptures which really helps you when you face the emotions you have described here..and then. keep it handy each time you need it. If it is hard to focus try reading it slowly, reflecting on it, and then reading it more than once. Then pray.

I keep several like that handy but especially the one I shared above.

praying for you..:pray:

Your sister in Christ,

[Gregg]

I know that last night, as I was laying all of this out before the Lord, He basically pointed me to the fact that a lot of it stems from abandonment issues. Everyone that I have loved in my life has abandoned me, and subconsciously, I am deathly afraid that God's going to do that, too.



The main reason I do not go back to drugs or alcohol is that I cannot "feel" close to God. I have found that all sin makes me feel like I can't "feel" or hear God. Now I know from scripture that he does not leave me, but that does not stop this weakness in me. People with abandonment issues often time treat their loved ones badly. I believe this is a subconsious test to see if they can push the other person into abandoning them. Once they do they say "see I knew it!" It becomes self fullfilling prophecy. Recognize this and ask God for help, and you will treat others more lovingly.

Regarding God, some people may feel most comfortable testing God to see if they can keep coming back. Can someone get addicted to recovery? They can only feel God when coming back?

I am glad that you layed it out to the Lord. He is gracious in answering you about the abandonment issues. He has provided many tools for us to use to combat that evil.

God bless you and yours.

P.S. Thank you for your honesty. I would miss it if you did not come here anymore.

[DaniHansen]

I think a lot of times, when we become believers and begin our journey with God, there comes a time when we have to deal with "will You still love me if ...?" because we may fully expect God to act like people and leave us in the dust if we step one toe out of line. We have to learn that God isn't like people. He is who He is.

This is where it's so important to allow God to break us. Instead of trying to push the envelope and test Him. He already knows our greatest weaknesses and innermost fears and emotional make-up. We have to ask Him to bring us to a place where we are secure in His love and acceptance and the fact that, no, He will not forsake us. But He will also not leave us in our places of immaturity and childish behaviors and our self-constructed ways of dealing with pain and rejection and so forth. There comes a point where we have to agree to allow Him to grow us up beyond these things so we're not forever going around the same mountain. And that requires facing the shadows of the past. As long as we deal with them with God leading the way, we will be fine. Because they are only shadows. The true power and control now rests with God, not these old things of yore that used to have the power to destroy us.