step parenting older teens

[margieippc]

I am in my second marriage. We have been married 8 years. This one is a good Christian man who is solid in so many areas except where his son is concerned. I brought two children into the marriage. My 19 yr old son moved in right after and after 3 months of misery where he seemed to be doing his best to ruin hisself and out marriage I packed him up and took him to his dads. I told him we did not allow the lifestyle he was trying to lead. He could stop and take steps to get in school and get his life in order. 8 years later he is doing well on his own and his relationship to us is great. My other child was 15 when we married and we got her through high school and into college without too many problems. After her 1st year in college she came home on break with a big independant streak that had her staying out late and not calling and so forth. I told her to honor our house and be considerate of us or find somewhere else to stay before next break. She moved out and is now the loving mother of two and step mother of 1. Our relationship with her is wonderful.
He brought 1 into the marriage. At the time his son onl came every other weekend and I could see not making the whole weekend a battle of wills. But he moved in 5 years ago when he was 14. It has notbeen fun and for the last two years it has been horrible. His senior year he got many speeding tickets, my dh bailed himout of Jail twice once including possesion of drugs. we found evidence of drugs several times. We kept on him and I thought it was made clear that he would have to leave after graduation (which was really pushed) if he did not straighten up. Didn't happen - niether one. He is inconsiderate, does not go to school regularly, does not work regularly, stays out late at night spending every penny he gets his hands on, makes my husband so upset I worry he will have a heart attack. a month ago a golden opp for him to move out came and we both pushed him toward it - he backed out at the last min and my dh is not so dear anymore cause he let him. It hurt me greatly that he has not stood up for us the way I have. I told him if ss came in again high or drinking I was gone. He did last night. I said I would leave until ss moved out then come back. H does not believe I will and I have not yet cause I think if I am forced to leave this way I will not want to come back. I have told h straight out how hurt I was and he apologized but said what was he to do... all he does do is call ss on phone and fuss alot. ss says okay dad then does what he wants. I am getting so depressed. I might should pray for God to change my heart on the subject but I have done that over the last few years and I really just do not want to right now. any suggestions, scripture, anything? I am quite upset about this and it is effecting everything - I am quick to anger toward h and I just do not want tobe in the same room, I am pretty uch ignoring teen and he does not mind. I do not want to clean the house since I obviously have no say in the house... I am burying myself under this and cannot seem to stop.

[DaniHansen]

Father, in Jesus' name I ask that You bring restoration to this family. I ask that You save this young man and break rebellion and defiance from his life and bring Him to yourself. I pray that You renew this couple's marriage and that You open blind eyes and blind ears and break bonds of co-dependence and ungodly relationship ways, so that these parents can unite and lovingly lead their child down the road that He should go, according to Your way. I ask that You remove false guilt as well as anger and bitterness and any other such things that have gotten a hold in this situation and have been allowed to fester, and that You release forgiveness as well as Your mercy and grace, and bring unity and restoration where the enemy desires division and destruction.

Amen.

[margieippc]

thank you for your prayers

[Followtheway]

I work at a youth treatment facility

Here are some recommendations:
Look into Dr. James Leihman

get some structure in the house

Your the boss to those teens

If they need to leave, its mandatory that they do

All must pull their weight

start taking charge and if you have anymore questions please ask.

[jlynn32]

You have told your children that if they didn't like to rules to leave. I agree. If stepson can not go by the rules then yes he needs to leave and your husband should be open to the fact that you done this to your own children why should step son be any different. My step child is not that old but she is a teen. But your husband needs to understand living for God sometimes we have to make hard choices but right know step son is bringing satan into your home and he is running the home.
Heavenly Father I pray that you touch this child and let him see his way of error and for mom and dad to be strong in you Lord I pray for mom who is at the bottom of the barrel looking up Lord I ask that you take her hand and pull her up and guide her unto your path I thank you Lord in Jesus name Amen.

[tayariswife]

Margie-
I will pray for you because you seem like you need it and because I am afraid that I will have the same situation on my hands as well. Right now my step-son is 14 and has never been parented responsibly IMO. My husband talks (alot) about him coming to live with us to start high school next year and it petrifies me. Like yourself, I felt that it wasn't ever worth it to fight battles over weekend visits. But now it's getting scary. What's worse is that while my hubby is a responsible parent to my son and knows what good parenting entails, he is completely blind when it comes to his own son. His mis-reads his sons bad intentions as good ones and constantly gives him credit for things that he shouldn't. Please keep me in the loop as to how this situation works out and if you need to talk, let me know. I know for sure I will need to have a friend like you, who has "been there, done that" and can help me along the way. I too struggle with anxiety when I know that my step son is coming to visit and try to sort of "hide out" so that I don't have and negative encounters with him. It definitely feels like he is the boss of the house and he knows it too... :pray:Praying fervrently for you in Jesus name! And not to infringe upon your prayer request but I would also like prayer for the same issue. My circumstances are not all the same, but are similar and I have been ashamed to admit to them. I mean, what kind of mother doesn't want her step son around? It sounds terrible.... But Margie, you explained so eloquently, it encouraged me to come out with my issue too! Thank you and bless you!

[paidforinfull]

I was a teen when my dad married my stepmom. My mom and her second husband were having loads of problems and I ran away to my dad's and lived when him and my stepmom until I finished school.

She wasn't the greatest of stepmoms, but she tried her best and I knew it. I didn't like her much, but I did respect her. She was the woman of the house, and that was that. I had boundaries, and she quickly put me right if I tried to overstep them. My father backed her up all the way, and he didn't allow me (or my two sisters who visited regularly) to talk bad of her or to her. He expected us to respect her.

I think this is something your husband needs to understand - he has to back you up all the way. He has to respect you, and your stepson needs to know that. It also means that he should tell his son to leave if he is causing problems in your home. It sounds to me as if your stepson is old enough to take care of himself anyway.

God bless.