Xel'Naga
Mar 25th 2009, 05:43 AM
I'm not quite sure what follows. What's pertinent to my testimony and what are superfluous details. Honestly there are quite a few things that I'm not sure about. Whether or not they are worth mentioning considering the amount of harm mentioning those things might do. I suppose we'll both find out as I write so if I do decide to keep those things, you've been warned.
A lot of people have been asking me about my testimony, here it goes. It'll probably read more like a biography, so I apologize for the superfluous bits...
My real name is Jeremy, I'm 22 years old and I am a citizen of both Finland and Canada. I was born in January of 87', I imagine it was quite cold with a bit of snow. My parents at the time I was born were 'coming back' to God after doing their own thing in the late teens and early twenties. I'm the first of three children and I start at the beginning because before I even knew it I was scaring those around me into the kingdom. You see when I was only fifteen months old I had decided it a worthy exercise to bang my head against the very corner of a coffee table; I had cracked my head open. After quite a few hospital visits, examinations and neurosurgery - as well as my parents being asked if my personality had changed - I returned home to fully back to God parents. Too bad it required the breaking of my head!
What else is there to say? My childhood was fairly normal. I was quite small, had an assortment of non-serious medical ailments and was considered to be very gifted by my teachers. The middle of us three children had educational handicaps and after years of struggling with the educational system my parents had prayed and decided it was best to home school him. They gave myself and my youngest the same choice and at the end of grade four I was pulled out of the public school system - to the dismay of my teachers - and educated at home privately through Abeka curriculum and later on in grades 9 and 10 Pensacola Christian College. It was always the fear of family, friends and even passerby's on the street that because I was home schooled I would be socially inept, academically lame and otherwise awkward. Grades 5-10 went by pretty normally. As I was home schooled I had the ability to study theology - almost exclusively - and sciences that weren't normally available at my grade level. Church involvement, however, was a different story...
...I was always faithful in attending church and church groups. I was never popular, I was always different enough that I managed to stay on the fringe. At most I made one or two friends at church; I didn't share any interests with the guys and girls were, well, lets face it, into the bad boy image and so I was stuck. I was this odd little thing that read theology and philosophy. Listened to classical music. Had knowledge of benign facts and wouldn't talk unless he was forced to or had something he really wanted to add to the discussion. My youth pastor - Jason - took an interest in me, however, not enough to really understand what was going on. When someone new to the group arrived on a Friday night they were directed to me as I seemed a capable doorman. However as those people slowly found their way into their respective cliques I was left behind, ready to welcome the next person no one initially wanted to deal with.
Jason once commented that I had a very strong and deep faith. He'd acknowledge that I felt very left out (I made him aware of this many times). That I'd tried to fit in and that simply it seemed I never quite got the gist of things. It wasn't because I was awkward or socially inept - I was just very different, for that age group anyway. Years later Jason made the comment that through all the years he knew me in youth he thought I was seemingly very cold, disconnected and calculating. I accepted the comment, he was probably right.
That reminds me...
I had an interesting dream once when I was about twelve years old. It's always stuck with me and I've only told one person about it (and only within the last couple of days) because really, I don't mind controversy, however I don't like being considered a quack. I apologize if this is more of a digression than necessary, but I'll recall the dream here as best I remember:The dream took place at my previous residence. It was a bright summer day, the sky was all but clear except for a few clouds. My house was in front of me, to the left; I was standing just a little in front of my garage, to the right, there was a person on each side of me. In this dream I looked to the left and there was standing a tree we had cut down to build the garage, it had apparently re-grown. I looked at the person on my left, she was a girl, but who she was I don't have any idea. There was a boy to my left but I don't remember ever looking in his direction, I just knew.
I looked at the sky and noticed the clouds, there was one bigger than the others, with an opening of sorts. As I was looking at the clouds my mom drove into the driveway. She had apparently done the groceries - my dad propped open the porch door and went back inside. I looked at my mom, she was carrying two bags and walking up the porch stairs about the enter the house.
I looked up again and in the sky there was a figure leading twelve angels. I believe the angels were assorted into three rows of four. As I was looking at the angels I was suddenly in a room with a great many people, most of whom I knew. We were mid-air, just there. I was looking for someone but couldn't find them for some reason, I became very anxious. I didn't understand what was going on. Everyone around me seemed very happy, joyful. Like something they were waiting for for a long time. I don't know how much time had passed, however, we soon left this 'mid-air' place for some place I had no knowledge about. Everyone had their attention focused on something but I never saw what. It was very bright and from this place to the next I found myself standing in front of Jesus. I never saw His face, I knew it was Him. I was crying. I wasn't happy, I was very sad. The dream ended with Him embracing me. I didn't understand at the time why I would be crying. I understand more now why I was.
Coming off this digressions... That was my life from grades 5-10. Going to church groups not for the socializing but for the actual message (I had no choice, really). Accepting the 'fact' that I was different enough that my peers had wanted very little to do with me (adults, on the other hand, thought me fascinating and I got along with them very well).
I opted to go back into the public school system for grades 11 and 12. It was in grade 11 where I met Emily, a girl I was to be with for almost four years. It was also in grade 11 when I was diagnosed with cancer. In fact they are coincidental events, really. I entered into my relationship with Emily about two months before I was diagnosed with cancer. She had the foresight to give me a book mark (since my interests were becoming more acceptable in this age group) which reminded me of God's promises - that all things work out for the good of those who love God. Neither of us knew what she was doing at the time. I've lost the book mark.
In March I was sent to the hospital for ultrasounds. On April 17th, 2004 I was diagnosed with cancer. I phoned Emily and she was floored, for all the crying I did, I think she was worse off than me. My parents weren't worried, especially my mom, she knew I'd be fine. It was really during this time that I learned what it meant to trust God. Much more than just to say I did and get away with it, never really having to. I grew in my understanding about life; it wasn't such a joke anymore, things became serious. I required surgery, I was clear and in June I was declared free of cancer. Mind you I don't recall that declaration I was quite stoned when they told me. They tell me everyone was happy, I don't see why they wouldn't be.
My relationship with Emily grew quite strong, I believe God provided her at just the right time. After high school (yep, after cancer there isn't much to comment on) I entered a computer sciences program and she entered a concurrent education program (which she is graduating next week). Our relationship began to crumble, arguments would erupt needlessly and regrettably, after four years, our relationship ended. It would take me almost two years to fully come to terms with what had happened during our relationship.
While in my second semester of college a voice decided to interrupt my thoughts and would constantly repeat to even more constant distraction, "What are you doing here? You're not supposed to be here". I eventually withdrew from College, spoke with Jason about ministry and eight months later I had registered for Masters Commission and Seminary, with whom I studied for my bachelors of theology for two years. Life was a trying experience. I was involved with ministry because of my courses and I quickly discovered that... Ministry was not something I entirely had a heart for. The academic side of theology and philosophy absolutely held my interest. Ministry, not so much. Regardless.
After my second year of Masters I was informed I would need to travel to the school for a couple semesters and finish courses - something they assured me would not happen when I figured registered. I objected and went looking for another school to finish my studies; England is what came up. I applied at Mattersey College and was accepted, eventually starting the Fall semester of 08'. Before we get ahead of ourselves, however...
When I had finished Masters and was considering Mattersey (I did move to England from Sept - Dec), it was a period in my life where the supernatural was so constant that to me, it was almost natural. I was constantly attacked, demonically. My friends were attacked, family members were attacked. Those who weren't born of Christ around me were influenced. It got so bad that I would be at work and I would occasionally have a voice in my head tell me what people were about to say... And then they would say it.
The worst of these 'attacks' happening through a dream I had in July of 08':I was at a gathering of some sort. It was a lawn, there were many people and all the furniture was lawn chair white. I was sort of standing around when I was approached by three figures in black. They took me to the edge of the lawn, away from the party, and kept me there. We were talking - I don't know about what - and as the conversation wound down a fourth figure in black presented a girl. Again, didn't see any of her features, only knew she was a girl. I had a discourse with this fourth figure - I don't know what was said - and as the discourse ended a purple looking 'light' came out of the girl, which for some reason I equated with God, and a red light entered into the girl, which for some reason I equated with the satanic. The minute the red light entered the girl everyone in the party died and I felt very horrified. I woke up.
I mention this dream because a big part of the attacks I was experiencing involved offers of friendship, popularity, etc. Especially, of course, girls.
I met a girl at my workplace in August. She grew up in a christian home, however, she 'fell away' from God in her teen years because of some very cruel situations she had gotten herself into. There were a lot of things about this girl that 'matched up' with the sort of propositions I was being given. I can only assume that it doesn't matter if one denies those propositions, they'll still be offered, perhaps not as blatantly. This girl was the daughter of one of my mothers best friends (when they were growing up together); a very Christian family, grew up in my home church. It's an interesting thing. To them I was the savior of their daughter - good Christian influence. To me I was worried they were blind to something far more sinister working in the back ground.
Needless to say it was through this experience - we did end up dating for quite a while. I came back from England to Canada - I made quite a few very significant mistakes from which I've only learned, hopefully not too late. It was really a period where I was challenged with what I believed and why i believed it. The decisions I made during this period physically make me sick to my stomach, knowing some of the things I did and choosing to act as I acted.
By the time I was old enough to remember most things about my early childhood my family had always been Christian. They tell me that I was four or five years old when I made that same admission of faith. Coming from that, however, it was around the time I was 16 and 17 that I really began to question and examine what I believed and those questions only really recently ended, probably about November, December of this past year. I began studying philosophy in addition to theology, examined many different world views and religions and struggled (especially the last six months or so) with the personal sacrifice that comes with following Christ. In fact a lot of the mistakes I've made recently have all been in regards to choosing myself over God, not wanting to have to put up with all the moral culpability, standards, etc. In all the years I had considered myself Christian I had lost the sense that I needed anyone. I intellectually understood the need for Christ but as that applied to my heart I really struggled because I couldn't wrap my head around the idea that I was in the same boat as everyone else. I almost fell to the lie that I was living a pretty decent life all by myself. A lie, of course, one that I didn't fall to in the end but something I still struggled with.
It wasn't until I began to fall that I realized in my heart all those things that had become purely intellectual realities. So to sum all of this up I made some sort of initial confession of faith when I was quite young, four or five. It hasn't been until these last few years, however, that I've really questioned, thought, studied and applied that commitment to Christ in my life (even through the failings). I have no reason to think I wasn't saved when I was young. I just think it took a while for me to come to grips with the consequences of that confession of faith.
I suppose this has turned out to be more of an autobiography than anything. I'm sure I missed a few details, probably important. However, that's what I've got and I suppose I'm sticking with it.
Yeah, I'm a quack.
A lot of people have been asking me about my testimony, here it goes. It'll probably read more like a biography, so I apologize for the superfluous bits...
My real name is Jeremy, I'm 22 years old and I am a citizen of both Finland and Canada. I was born in January of 87', I imagine it was quite cold with a bit of snow. My parents at the time I was born were 'coming back' to God after doing their own thing in the late teens and early twenties. I'm the first of three children and I start at the beginning because before I even knew it I was scaring those around me into the kingdom. You see when I was only fifteen months old I had decided it a worthy exercise to bang my head against the very corner of a coffee table; I had cracked my head open. After quite a few hospital visits, examinations and neurosurgery - as well as my parents being asked if my personality had changed - I returned home to fully back to God parents. Too bad it required the breaking of my head!
What else is there to say? My childhood was fairly normal. I was quite small, had an assortment of non-serious medical ailments and was considered to be very gifted by my teachers. The middle of us three children had educational handicaps and after years of struggling with the educational system my parents had prayed and decided it was best to home school him. They gave myself and my youngest the same choice and at the end of grade four I was pulled out of the public school system - to the dismay of my teachers - and educated at home privately through Abeka curriculum and later on in grades 9 and 10 Pensacola Christian College. It was always the fear of family, friends and even passerby's on the street that because I was home schooled I would be socially inept, academically lame and otherwise awkward. Grades 5-10 went by pretty normally. As I was home schooled I had the ability to study theology - almost exclusively - and sciences that weren't normally available at my grade level. Church involvement, however, was a different story...
...I was always faithful in attending church and church groups. I was never popular, I was always different enough that I managed to stay on the fringe. At most I made one or two friends at church; I didn't share any interests with the guys and girls were, well, lets face it, into the bad boy image and so I was stuck. I was this odd little thing that read theology and philosophy. Listened to classical music. Had knowledge of benign facts and wouldn't talk unless he was forced to or had something he really wanted to add to the discussion. My youth pastor - Jason - took an interest in me, however, not enough to really understand what was going on. When someone new to the group arrived on a Friday night they were directed to me as I seemed a capable doorman. However as those people slowly found their way into their respective cliques I was left behind, ready to welcome the next person no one initially wanted to deal with.
Jason once commented that I had a very strong and deep faith. He'd acknowledge that I felt very left out (I made him aware of this many times). That I'd tried to fit in and that simply it seemed I never quite got the gist of things. It wasn't because I was awkward or socially inept - I was just very different, for that age group anyway. Years later Jason made the comment that through all the years he knew me in youth he thought I was seemingly very cold, disconnected and calculating. I accepted the comment, he was probably right.
That reminds me...
I had an interesting dream once when I was about twelve years old. It's always stuck with me and I've only told one person about it (and only within the last couple of days) because really, I don't mind controversy, however I don't like being considered a quack. I apologize if this is more of a digression than necessary, but I'll recall the dream here as best I remember:The dream took place at my previous residence. It was a bright summer day, the sky was all but clear except for a few clouds. My house was in front of me, to the left; I was standing just a little in front of my garage, to the right, there was a person on each side of me. In this dream I looked to the left and there was standing a tree we had cut down to build the garage, it had apparently re-grown. I looked at the person on my left, she was a girl, but who she was I don't have any idea. There was a boy to my left but I don't remember ever looking in his direction, I just knew.
I looked at the sky and noticed the clouds, there was one bigger than the others, with an opening of sorts. As I was looking at the clouds my mom drove into the driveway. She had apparently done the groceries - my dad propped open the porch door and went back inside. I looked at my mom, she was carrying two bags and walking up the porch stairs about the enter the house.
I looked up again and in the sky there was a figure leading twelve angels. I believe the angels were assorted into three rows of four. As I was looking at the angels I was suddenly in a room with a great many people, most of whom I knew. We were mid-air, just there. I was looking for someone but couldn't find them for some reason, I became very anxious. I didn't understand what was going on. Everyone around me seemed very happy, joyful. Like something they were waiting for for a long time. I don't know how much time had passed, however, we soon left this 'mid-air' place for some place I had no knowledge about. Everyone had their attention focused on something but I never saw what. It was very bright and from this place to the next I found myself standing in front of Jesus. I never saw His face, I knew it was Him. I was crying. I wasn't happy, I was very sad. The dream ended with Him embracing me. I didn't understand at the time why I would be crying. I understand more now why I was.
Coming off this digressions... That was my life from grades 5-10. Going to church groups not for the socializing but for the actual message (I had no choice, really). Accepting the 'fact' that I was different enough that my peers had wanted very little to do with me (adults, on the other hand, thought me fascinating and I got along with them very well).
I opted to go back into the public school system for grades 11 and 12. It was in grade 11 where I met Emily, a girl I was to be with for almost four years. It was also in grade 11 when I was diagnosed with cancer. In fact they are coincidental events, really. I entered into my relationship with Emily about two months before I was diagnosed with cancer. She had the foresight to give me a book mark (since my interests were becoming more acceptable in this age group) which reminded me of God's promises - that all things work out for the good of those who love God. Neither of us knew what she was doing at the time. I've lost the book mark.
In March I was sent to the hospital for ultrasounds. On April 17th, 2004 I was diagnosed with cancer. I phoned Emily and she was floored, for all the crying I did, I think she was worse off than me. My parents weren't worried, especially my mom, she knew I'd be fine. It was really during this time that I learned what it meant to trust God. Much more than just to say I did and get away with it, never really having to. I grew in my understanding about life; it wasn't such a joke anymore, things became serious. I required surgery, I was clear and in June I was declared free of cancer. Mind you I don't recall that declaration I was quite stoned when they told me. They tell me everyone was happy, I don't see why they wouldn't be.
My relationship with Emily grew quite strong, I believe God provided her at just the right time. After high school (yep, after cancer there isn't much to comment on) I entered a computer sciences program and she entered a concurrent education program (which she is graduating next week). Our relationship began to crumble, arguments would erupt needlessly and regrettably, after four years, our relationship ended. It would take me almost two years to fully come to terms with what had happened during our relationship.
While in my second semester of college a voice decided to interrupt my thoughts and would constantly repeat to even more constant distraction, "What are you doing here? You're not supposed to be here". I eventually withdrew from College, spoke with Jason about ministry and eight months later I had registered for Masters Commission and Seminary, with whom I studied for my bachelors of theology for two years. Life was a trying experience. I was involved with ministry because of my courses and I quickly discovered that... Ministry was not something I entirely had a heart for. The academic side of theology and philosophy absolutely held my interest. Ministry, not so much. Regardless.
After my second year of Masters I was informed I would need to travel to the school for a couple semesters and finish courses - something they assured me would not happen when I figured registered. I objected and went looking for another school to finish my studies; England is what came up. I applied at Mattersey College and was accepted, eventually starting the Fall semester of 08'. Before we get ahead of ourselves, however...
When I had finished Masters and was considering Mattersey (I did move to England from Sept - Dec), it was a period in my life where the supernatural was so constant that to me, it was almost natural. I was constantly attacked, demonically. My friends were attacked, family members were attacked. Those who weren't born of Christ around me were influenced. It got so bad that I would be at work and I would occasionally have a voice in my head tell me what people were about to say... And then they would say it.
The worst of these 'attacks' happening through a dream I had in July of 08':I was at a gathering of some sort. It was a lawn, there were many people and all the furniture was lawn chair white. I was sort of standing around when I was approached by three figures in black. They took me to the edge of the lawn, away from the party, and kept me there. We were talking - I don't know about what - and as the conversation wound down a fourth figure in black presented a girl. Again, didn't see any of her features, only knew she was a girl. I had a discourse with this fourth figure - I don't know what was said - and as the discourse ended a purple looking 'light' came out of the girl, which for some reason I equated with God, and a red light entered into the girl, which for some reason I equated with the satanic. The minute the red light entered the girl everyone in the party died and I felt very horrified. I woke up.
I mention this dream because a big part of the attacks I was experiencing involved offers of friendship, popularity, etc. Especially, of course, girls.
I met a girl at my workplace in August. She grew up in a christian home, however, she 'fell away' from God in her teen years because of some very cruel situations she had gotten herself into. There were a lot of things about this girl that 'matched up' with the sort of propositions I was being given. I can only assume that it doesn't matter if one denies those propositions, they'll still be offered, perhaps not as blatantly. This girl was the daughter of one of my mothers best friends (when they were growing up together); a very Christian family, grew up in my home church. It's an interesting thing. To them I was the savior of their daughter - good Christian influence. To me I was worried they were blind to something far more sinister working in the back ground.
Needless to say it was through this experience - we did end up dating for quite a while. I came back from England to Canada - I made quite a few very significant mistakes from which I've only learned, hopefully not too late. It was really a period where I was challenged with what I believed and why i believed it. The decisions I made during this period physically make me sick to my stomach, knowing some of the things I did and choosing to act as I acted.
By the time I was old enough to remember most things about my early childhood my family had always been Christian. They tell me that I was four or five years old when I made that same admission of faith. Coming from that, however, it was around the time I was 16 and 17 that I really began to question and examine what I believed and those questions only really recently ended, probably about November, December of this past year. I began studying philosophy in addition to theology, examined many different world views and religions and struggled (especially the last six months or so) with the personal sacrifice that comes with following Christ. In fact a lot of the mistakes I've made recently have all been in regards to choosing myself over God, not wanting to have to put up with all the moral culpability, standards, etc. In all the years I had considered myself Christian I had lost the sense that I needed anyone. I intellectually understood the need for Christ but as that applied to my heart I really struggled because I couldn't wrap my head around the idea that I was in the same boat as everyone else. I almost fell to the lie that I was living a pretty decent life all by myself. A lie, of course, one that I didn't fall to in the end but something I still struggled with.
It wasn't until I began to fall that I realized in my heart all those things that had become purely intellectual realities. So to sum all of this up I made some sort of initial confession of faith when I was quite young, four or five. It hasn't been until these last few years, however, that I've really questioned, thought, studied and applied that commitment to Christ in my life (even through the failings). I have no reason to think I wasn't saved when I was young. I just think it took a while for me to come to grips with the consequences of that confession of faith.
I suppose this has turned out to be more of an autobiography than anything. I'm sure I missed a few details, probably important. However, that's what I've got and I suppose I'm sticking with it.
Yeah, I'm a quack.