mcnumps
Apr 8th 2009, 04:09 AM
To say that I have led a sinful life doesn't do it justice. For most of my life, it seems, I have been searching for something to fill a void. I lost my real father at age 9, and my mother, out of loneliness or desperation, soon married again. This second marriage was filled with abuse, and I left home to marry at an early age to escape this abuse. That was the only reason for my first marriage, but unfortunately I made the same mistake that many do in my situation, I chose a man who would also be very abusive. The marriage did not last long, and I found myself alone, broke and broken. During the following years I tried to fill my emptiness with alcohol, drugs, food, you name it. I was trying to find meaning in "stuff". I had a horrible case of "stuffitis" that seemed to have no cure. I was on the path to hell, probably via suicide.
After a series of bad relationships and poor decisions, God brought my husband into my life. We were poor but so happy together, this was the first real happiness I had known since my father's death. My mother had divorced her second husband, and had remarried again. Our relationship was still strained however, due to my resentment of the abuse we suffered under the hand of her second husband. I could not forgive her inaction that allowed the abuse to continue. However, my husband and I settled near my mother and stepfather, in order to help them as we could. Her new husband was a good man, and I loved him, but his health was not good. We helped mom care for him until his death in 2000.
We moved to the SC lowcountry to find a better life. We fared much better here, my husband was making more money, and we were doing well. We were happy, but still had not found the Lord. My husband was raised in a Baptist church, but I was not really raised in a church. I had no desire to join a Baptist congregation. We flirted with the idea of becoming Episcopalian, but, while I enjoyed the services, my husband found something lacking. Since we could not find a church that we mutually enjoyed, we just didn't go at all. We filled our time with work, travel, partying with friends, and more "stuff".
In 2007, we convinced my mother to move to SC. She had started to have some health problems, and her place was too large for her to maintain. I had also hoped that if she were closer, we could begin to mend our relationship. We were cordial, on the surface all seemed well, but we both knew not to dig very deep in our feelings. Years of distance and resentment had taken a toll on our relationship. We were like polite strangers. Not long after the move we found out that the breast cancer she had fought in the late 90's was back. They told us there was no cure, and that she would probably survive 3 to 5 years, in reality she lasted a little over 6 months. Soon her mental state had declined to the point that we thought the cancer had spread to her brain, but it was a cancer-related dementia. It was not long until the doctors said there was no more they could do, and sent her home with hospice. My husband and I were her only caregivers. Hospice came 3 times a week to help bathe,etc., but the majority of her care fell to me. I experienced a depression so severe that I wanted to die with her. Now there would be no chance of reconcilliation, her mental state was such that most days she didn't know who I was. I had no appetite, and lost 50 lbs. I lived on cigarettes, iced tea and coffee. I was angry all the time. December 14th, 2007 I lost her. I think a part of me died with her. I was so lost that I contemplated suicide. I began to have panic attacks. The love of my wonderful husband got me through that dark time. Although I didn't know it yet, I believe that God was using that horrible experience to bring me to Him. Not to say that he gave her that terrible disease for that reason, but I think He used it to get my attention. It broke through my self-centeredness and brought me to my knees. Over the next several months after mom's death, I pondered the meaning of life and death. I tried to figure out my purpose. I felt a real call to find a church and start reading the Bible. I had read bits and pieces of it before, but without any real understanding. Now I sat down and started with the New Testament and read the whole thing. My husband and I started talking about finding a church again. One night, on a Wednesday, I felt a real calling to go to church. We searched online for a church in our area, and saw that they all had "prayer service" on Wednesdays, not a regular church service. I was so ignorant that I was expecting a Sunday-like preaching service on Wednesday. Then we found one that offered "Bible study". I didn't know whether or not newcomers would be welcome on a Wednesday night, so I emailed the pastor of this church. Fifteen minutes later, I received my reply...."Absolutely!" This was in November 2008. We went that night, and felt such love from the members and the pastor that we made plans to attend the following Sunday. I began to pray at home, and although I had prayed for salvation before, I never felt that I received it. I finally realized that my prayers came more from a fear of hell than any real conviction of what Christ had done for me. Finally, after Thanksgiving, I tried one more time. I prayed that God would forgive my many, many sins and thanked him for the sacrifice Christ made on the cross for me. I asked for salvation after admitting that I could not do this alone anymore. I confessed that I knew that He had to be in control of my life, and asked him into my heart. After that prayer, I finally had peace, and I knew that I had finally found salvation in the Lord. I was soon baptized, and by the grace of the Lord, my husband was saved and baptized as well. We have become members of the same little church that we first attended that Wednesday night, and I know that the Lord led us there, because I was dead set against going to a Baptist church, but it was in a Baptist church that we found peace with God.
After a series of bad relationships and poor decisions, God brought my husband into my life. We were poor but so happy together, this was the first real happiness I had known since my father's death. My mother had divorced her second husband, and had remarried again. Our relationship was still strained however, due to my resentment of the abuse we suffered under the hand of her second husband. I could not forgive her inaction that allowed the abuse to continue. However, my husband and I settled near my mother and stepfather, in order to help them as we could. Her new husband was a good man, and I loved him, but his health was not good. We helped mom care for him until his death in 2000.
We moved to the SC lowcountry to find a better life. We fared much better here, my husband was making more money, and we were doing well. We were happy, but still had not found the Lord. My husband was raised in a Baptist church, but I was not really raised in a church. I had no desire to join a Baptist congregation. We flirted with the idea of becoming Episcopalian, but, while I enjoyed the services, my husband found something lacking. Since we could not find a church that we mutually enjoyed, we just didn't go at all. We filled our time with work, travel, partying with friends, and more "stuff".
In 2007, we convinced my mother to move to SC. She had started to have some health problems, and her place was too large for her to maintain. I had also hoped that if she were closer, we could begin to mend our relationship. We were cordial, on the surface all seemed well, but we both knew not to dig very deep in our feelings. Years of distance and resentment had taken a toll on our relationship. We were like polite strangers. Not long after the move we found out that the breast cancer she had fought in the late 90's was back. They told us there was no cure, and that she would probably survive 3 to 5 years, in reality she lasted a little over 6 months. Soon her mental state had declined to the point that we thought the cancer had spread to her brain, but it was a cancer-related dementia. It was not long until the doctors said there was no more they could do, and sent her home with hospice. My husband and I were her only caregivers. Hospice came 3 times a week to help bathe,etc., but the majority of her care fell to me. I experienced a depression so severe that I wanted to die with her. Now there would be no chance of reconcilliation, her mental state was such that most days she didn't know who I was. I had no appetite, and lost 50 lbs. I lived on cigarettes, iced tea and coffee. I was angry all the time. December 14th, 2007 I lost her. I think a part of me died with her. I was so lost that I contemplated suicide. I began to have panic attacks. The love of my wonderful husband got me through that dark time. Although I didn't know it yet, I believe that God was using that horrible experience to bring me to Him. Not to say that he gave her that terrible disease for that reason, but I think He used it to get my attention. It broke through my self-centeredness and brought me to my knees. Over the next several months after mom's death, I pondered the meaning of life and death. I tried to figure out my purpose. I felt a real call to find a church and start reading the Bible. I had read bits and pieces of it before, but without any real understanding. Now I sat down and started with the New Testament and read the whole thing. My husband and I started talking about finding a church again. One night, on a Wednesday, I felt a real calling to go to church. We searched online for a church in our area, and saw that they all had "prayer service" on Wednesdays, not a regular church service. I was so ignorant that I was expecting a Sunday-like preaching service on Wednesday. Then we found one that offered "Bible study". I didn't know whether or not newcomers would be welcome on a Wednesday night, so I emailed the pastor of this church. Fifteen minutes later, I received my reply...."Absolutely!" This was in November 2008. We went that night, and felt such love from the members and the pastor that we made plans to attend the following Sunday. I began to pray at home, and although I had prayed for salvation before, I never felt that I received it. I finally realized that my prayers came more from a fear of hell than any real conviction of what Christ had done for me. Finally, after Thanksgiving, I tried one more time. I prayed that God would forgive my many, many sins and thanked him for the sacrifice Christ made on the cross for me. I asked for salvation after admitting that I could not do this alone anymore. I confessed that I knew that He had to be in control of my life, and asked him into my heart. After that prayer, I finally had peace, and I knew that I had finally found salvation in the Lord. I was soon baptized, and by the grace of the Lord, my husband was saved and baptized as well. We have become members of the same little church that we first attended that Wednesday night, and I know that the Lord led us there, because I was dead set against going to a Baptist church, but it was in a Baptist church that we found peace with God.