I need guidance...and opinions

[Magnetic]

I've been dating someone for just over a month, and it started out very well, . . . probably TOO well, because I have come to enjoy her company very much. She's a good christian girl who is fun to be with.

But, even this soon into the relationship, she has been bringing up "concerns" about it, yet stated that she sees progress. However, it seems like she has a new concern everyday. Last night, she brought up another concern that "makes her not want to get close to me", and it really hit me hard because it isn't something that I understand.

She has a fear of something that was brought up on Dateline, lastnight, having to do with guns, . . . and I own several, and she told me that brought up a big concern for her.

She told me that she doesn't trust what I said, when I told her that I would never hurt her, and I never would, . . . with a past track record to prove it (not just with her, but with others), . . . but now she is having all these concerns and lack of trust, and it is adversely affecting the relationship, . . . and it doesn't seem rational to me. We have fun together, enjoy each other's company, and share interests, . . .yet I can't help but wonder if she is going to find a way to deal with this, and get past it.

Trying to assure her didn't work, and it seems that nothing short of me getting rid of this hobby of mine will make her feel better. But I don't think that's the answer.

Does anyone have any advice? I'm going to try to talk to my counselor (at church) to see what he thinks about this.

Please pray for me, . . .and for her. :cry:

[Brother Mark]

Hey Brother Mag, this is one of those hard things about relationships. Don't give up or change who you are for her, because sooner or later, you will resent it and revert back to it. Instead, keep reassuring her about who you are. What's going on says a lot more about her and her fears than it does about you. She is seeing you through filters and interpreting things about you through her stained glass windows. That's why you don't understand it because what she is saying about you, isn't true. Does this make sense?

So what to do? Let it play out. Don't give in and change who you are or else this will be an ongoing thing. The root is the thing in her. Bottom line, you will want someone to accept you for who you are not who you might become. Be kind. Be gracious. But be you. If she can't deal with her inner fears, and she won't let you help her with them, then those fears will drive her and you for as long as you are together. That won't be pleasant. But if you don't give in to them, and you reassure her to the best of your ability, if her fears abate, then you and her will be free.

[Magnetic]

Thank you for replying, Brother Mark.

This whole thing has really hit me hard and I do understand what you are saying. I will try to keep assuring her.

This is a new relationship, and normally, two people are supposed to be enjoying it, . . . yes, getting to know each other, . . . but it seems that these past couple of weeks have been a lot of her fears and worries, and I'm not breaking through with my assurances, and last night was the worst. I felt like I was watching the beginning of a "relationship colapse" and having no way to stop it.

I just don't understand why she can't learn to accept me for who I am, because who I am, my good qualities, SHOULD out weigh those "concerns". She's in grad school to be a counselor, herself, . . . and I think she over analyzes things so much that she will over analyze the relationship into death.

I really care about her. . . I am trying to be as open and honest as I possibly can with her. I don't know what to do. . . . and my heart is very heavy right now. I was very hurt to hear her say that "she doesn't trust me" or that, because of her fears, "she doesn't want to get close to me".

I will keep doing what you suggest, and hope (and pray) that she will work through her issues.

She IS a Christian. What is the verse about not having a spirit of fear, but of a sound mind?

[Vhayes]

Brother Mark has given you great advice here. One of the things I have heard friends of mine say over the years is, "Well, he'll change after we get married." My question to them has always been, "If you love him, why do you want him to change?" Most times, I regret to say, those marriages have ended in either divorce or in the couple who were once so "in love" not talking to each other but not divorcing because they feel it's wrong. They have a crippled relationship based on their expectations and not reality.

My husband and I have been married for 35 years. Have we changed? Most assuredly - but we have changed together as we adapted to each other. Do we agree on everything? Nope - but we respect each other and allow for differing views.

Hope that helps a bit.
V

[Magnetic]

Thank you, Vhayes, it does.

I will be gone from my computer for about 4 hours. I'll be back after.

[Brother Mark]

Thank you for replying, Brother Mark.

This whole thing has really hit me hard and I do understand what you are saying. I will try to keep assuring her.

This is a new relationship, and normally, two people are supposed to be enjoying it, . . . yes, getting to know each other, . . . but it seems that these past couple of weeks have been a lot of her fears and worries, and I'm not breaking through with my assurances, and last night was the worst. I felt like I was watching the beginning of a "relationship colapse" and having no way to stop it.

Man, I know how that feels and I HATE that feeling. You see things in her you really like but see also that it could end. Who knows what's really going on in her heart. The human condition is a complicated one.

I just don't understand why she can't learn to accept me for who I am, because who I am, my good qualities, SHOULD out weigh those "concerns". She's in grad school to be a counselor, herself, . . . and I think she over analyzes things so much that she will over analyze the relationship into death. Perhaps she is choosing to be a counselor in order to learn something to help her with her own issues. Who knows? Hang in there.

I really care about her. . . I am trying to be as open and honest as I possibly can with her. I don't know what to do. . . . and my heart is very heavy right now. I was very hurt to hear her say that "she doesn't trust me" or that, because of her fears, "she doesn't want to get close to me". Yea, that's hard. Here's something encouraging though. For believers, we can trust God. I have had a few women break my heart and I've broken a few myself. But in the end, I am seeing someone now that is more perfect for me than any that has gone before. At least it seems that way now. My point? Father God has your best interest at heart. If this lady is unwilling to move forward because of her issues, there will be other fish in the pond so to speak.

I will keep doing what you suggest, and hope (and pray) that she will work through her issues.

She IS a Christian. What is the verse about not having a spirit of fear, but of a sound mind?Yea, there is a verse like that. It's in Timothy.

2 Tim 1:7

7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
KJV

This verse confirms for you that her fears are not from God.

One last thought... When the first woman I ever loved got married, I was heart broken. This song came to mind.

"On Christ the solid Rock I stand all other ground is sinking sand". I was wondering what God was trying to tell me. Well, the song goes on "I dare not trust the sweetest frame but holy lean on Jesus name". LOL! She had on sweet frame! It was hard. But I am very glad I did not end up with her now. I learned to trust in God instead of that sweet frame she had and I have never regretted trusting Him. Well, there were times when I regretted it because I didn't understand. But then when it was finished, I understood even more how trustworthy he really is.

[Magnetic]

I hear what you're saying. I'm going to keep working on her, because, for the most part, I see potential in the relationship. In fact, we're going to see a counselor (we took an adjectives test, earlier this week), and we're supposed to find out about it, . . . where we have strengths, and where we need work. That was the plan, and it probably will still happen, . . . but last night, she seems to have gone over the edge, so to speak. It seems as though she has some past experiences that are clouding her judgment. I hope that her counselor/psychiatrist can help her walk through some of those issues to where she comes to a place of being able to trust me, AT LEAST trust me that I won't harm her!

[Brother Mark]

Well, sounds like you have a good solid plan. I have guns too and can't imagine that being a problem with a spouse. Of course, it would be wise to keep those guns locked up, and inaccessible to the kids. But owning a gun doesn't make someone a bad person by any stretch of the imagination.

[Magnetic]

She surprised me, last night, by stating that no one should have them but police and military. She has a huge fear of them. I do keep them locked up, and only I know where the key is.

Yes, my plan may be solid, . . . but I am a nervous wreck, right now. I know I need to leave it in God's hands, but to be rejected would really break my heart, . . . especially over something like this.

If she continues to have issues with this, I may have to store them over at my brother's house to see if that helps her.

[Brother Mark]

She surprised me, last night, by stating that no one should have them but police and military. She has a huge fear of them. I do keep them locked up, and only I know where the key is.

That sounds like a political position far more than a spiritual position. Her fear is irrational, IMO. But lots of people have irrational fears.

Yes, my plan may be solid, . . . but I am a nervous wreck, right now. I know I need to leave it in God's hands, but to be rejected would really break my heart, . . . especially over something like this.

Oooo. I know that feeling!

If she continues to have issues with this, I may have to store them over at my brother's house to see if that helps her.

That might work. Have you been able to find the root cause to her fear? What does she believe about guns that scares her so much?

[Magnetic]

She fears that she'll be shot, somehow, with them. She fears that someone will steal them and use them to kill someone else.

She had some abuse in her past, but I've given her no reason to fear me, and what I may or may not do. I am really blindsided by her reaction to this, and to say something like "she won't be able to get close to me", due to this, . . . and that she can't trust me, . . . that really hurts me.

I know it isn't all about me and my feelings. Her feelings matter, but she needs to figure out what's going on, with the help of a professional, or this relationship is going to remain in danger.

[Brother Mark]

If she has been abused, that explains a good bit. She will have to work through some of those issues and that can take a while. Moving the guns to someone else's house might ease her fears but it won't fix them. If this were a one shot deal so to speak (i.e. only the guns were the issue) then it might be worth simply selling the guns and getting rid of a good bit of them.

As for her not trusting you, as hard as it may seem, that says far more about her than it does you. You know you are trust worthy so walk in confidence with that. Let her see that confidence. You know you can be trusted. She doesn't. If she is so wounded she no longer has the ability to trust, then perhaps time is needed for her to mature.

One way I might approach it is to tell her you don't expect her to trust you yet. But you would like to keep hanging out until she really knows you well enough to make that determination. Still, having been abused, she may have some things to overcome that impact her thinking. Also, like I said before, that may be why she is going into counseling.

Man, I am sorry you have to go through this. Relationship stuff can be so rewarding and so painful.

[Magnetic]

I should have been a better guard of my heart. There were a few issues/concerns, but this one, last night, was disturbing for me, her reaction, her "not wanting to get close to me", her fear of me hurting her, . . . lack of trust, . . . it really seems like she hasn't delt with some deep issues in her mind, and I am willing to help her through them, if she allows me to.

I can only help her, be a person who she can learn to trust, . . . probably meaning that I will have to move my guns to my brother's place. But you're right, that isn't going to help things in the long run. They're still my property and a part of who I am.

That's the thing. Is she important enough to ME that I would be willing to bend to that wish? Would I sell everything I had to make her comfortable? Does that mean I've cheated myself? Or does that mean that someone has taken presedence over someTHINGS. True, they are important to me, but back to the orginal question. . . .who/what is more important to me? Of course, the person should be more than innanimate objects.

[Brother Mark]

I should have been a better guard of my heart. There were a few issues/concerns, but this one, last night, was disturbing for me, her reaction, her "not wanting to get close to me", her fear of me hurting her, . . . lack of trust, . . . it really seems like she hasn't delt with some deep issues in her mind, and I am willing to help her through them, if she allows me to.

She'll need God to replace those lies in her heart. That's why he said "you shall know the truth and the truth will set you free". Counseling should be all about replacing lies with truth. Thing is, we all believe lies on some level and need help learning the truth.

I can only help her, be a person who she can learn to trust, . . . probably meaning that I will have to move my guns to my brother's place. But you're right, that isn't going to help things in the long run. They're still my property and a part of who I am.

True. But if it was only about the guns, that might be a small thing. But I think you indicated above that other things kept coming up too. Which means it could go on for a long time.

That's the thing. Is she important enough to ME that I would be willing to bend to that wish? Would I sell everything I had to make her comfortable? Does that mean I've cheated myself? Or does that mean that someone has taken presedence over someTHINGS. True, they are important to me, but back to the orginal question. . . .who/what is more important to me? Of course, the person should be more than innanimate objects.

You would be miserable! Jesus didn't change who he was for us. He simply presented who he was to us and we either fell in love with him or rejected him. Now, did he sacrifice for us? Indeed he did! But he didn't change who he was. I think that is the important thing here. If you have to change to be acceptable to her, then both of you will be miserable in the long run.

And yea, guarding the heart is a thing to learn. I've been there. I remember being really excited about one girl only to start looking for a hole to hide in later. We actually discussed marriage too! Now, I am sooooo very glad we broke up. I dodged a bullet there so to speak (pun intended).

[Magnetic]

I am going to be getting off the computer now, but I really need prayer because this has really put my insides in turmoil. Stress has gripped my body and my stomach is all upset. I have a small lump in my throat thinking about it all. Very upsetting. :cry:

[Brother Mark]

OK. I'll say a prayer for you.

[karenoka27]

It sounds like she has Hoplophobia-a fear of firearms. Some of the symptoms are losing your breath,getting dizzy, excessive sweating,nausea,dry mouth,feeling sick,becoming mad or losing control,a sensation of losing touch with reality, and anxiety attacks.

I will be praying for the Lord to free her from this bondage of fear.

Does she know the Lord as her Savior? Just want to better know how to pray.:hug:

[Magnetic]

It sounds like she has Hoplophobia-a fear of firearms. Some of the symptoms are losing your breath,getting dizzy, excessive sweating,nausea,dry mouth,feeling sick,becoming mad or losing control,a sensation of losing touch with reality, and anxiety attacks.

I will be praying for the Lord to free her from this bondage of fear.

Does she know the Lord as her Savior? Just want to better know how to pray.:hug:



Yes, she does. Please pray that God will send her help for this fear, and also the fears that she has, the concerns about our relationship. They are unfounded and I will do everything within my ability to help aleviate these issues for her, . . . but I know that God really needs to step in for help.

Again, for me too. I'm not doing well, inside. My heart is beating faster than normal, and my mind can't relax. I read some in the Bible tonight, though.

Thanks for all the prayers and comments. We need them!

[DaniHansen]

Well, lovey, if this lady friend of yours has deep seated trust issues, then her "concerns" have nothing to do with you, and everything with herself.

The only thing you can do is be trustworthy. The other end of the stick, is on her. But don't let her paranoias become your own, because you can't fix her, like she can't fix you. She is going to have to allow God to teach her to release the abusive memories, and to forgive, and to let go. Because ultimately, her trust issues are with God, not you.

And coming from an abusive background myself, I can certainly relate where she is coming from. Don't be so hard on yourself. This is something she's going to have to deal with between her, and God. Why she would go into counseling, I'm not sure of, because it looks like there is a lot going on within her still that she, herself, needs release from. We can only take others to where we, ourselves, are.

[Frances]

May I put an opposite point of view? I live uK where guns can only be legally kept under licence. Each opinion expressed so far seems to be that you are 'normal' to want guns and she 'has a problem'. I would probably have exactly the same concerns if I were in her situation - because of where I live and my understanding of guns. I have a brother who has lived in USA for about 40 years, when in UK he had a gun for shooting rabbits etc. on the farm, which I regard as normal - however one of his neighbours told me she never drives anywhere without a loaded gun in the glove compartment. I was horrified and would be even more horrrified if I thought my brother also regarded hand guns as 'normal equipment'.

I suggest that you try hard to understand your girl-friend's point of view; that you ask her to explain her feelings and fears - and listen, and try hard to understand her point of view. Compromise on both your parts may be the answer. But a hard and fast 'I'm normal and you're not' is bound to cause a the end of the relationship

:pray: that you make the right decisions.

[Brother Mark]

May I put an opposite point of view? I live uK where guns can only be legally kept under licence. Each opinion expressed so far seems to be that you are 'normal' to want guns and she 'has a problem'. I would probably have exactly the same concerns if I were in her situation - because of where I live and my understanding of guns. I have a brother who has lived in USA for about 40 years, when in UK he had a gun for shooting rabbits etc. on the farm, which I regard as normal - however one of his neighbours told me she never drives anywhere without a loaded gun in the glove compartment. I was horrified and would be even more horrrified if I thought my brother also regarded hand guns as 'normal equipment'.

I suggest that you try hard to understand your girl-friend's point of view; that you ask her to explain her feelings and fears - and listen, and try hard to understand her point of view. Compromise on both your parts may be the answer. But a hard and fast 'I'm normal and you're not' is bound to cause a the end of the relationship

:pray: that you make the right decisions.

I regard a handgun as normal equipment. I see nothing wrong with owning or using one at all. The problem as he stated it was she didn't trust him simply because he owned guns. Not only that, it was a recurring theme about other issues too. IOW, there is more at work here than just a difference of opinion on guns. That one just happened to show more about what was going on. And in his posts, he also stated that guns are a part of who he is. She would be asking him to change who he is in that case, which seldom works.

[Gregg]

It shouldn't have to be this much work this early in a relationship. Pray to your Father for wisdom and guidence.

[RabbiKnife]

Run away, don't walk.

Run.

[Magnetic]

I really don't understand her. . . . .

This conversation took place Friday evening. I didn't hear from her all day Saturday. Sunday, I was playing the bass for my church's Easter program, and she attended the last service and left right after (probably because she is still working on her paper for school). That evening, we had planned (earlier in the week) to be at my sister's for an Easter dinner, so I went to her place, after church, and she was doing her paper, but seemed fairly normal.

To make a long story short, . . . she's acting like things are fine again. :confused We had a good time at my sister's, . . . we went back to my place and talked for a bit, . . . I read to her from my bible, while she attempted to see if she knew the verse (she spent a lot of time memorizing, in the past), . . . I played some old worship songs on my guitar, and we had fun, laughing at what the church used to sing (in a good way, of course), then cuddled on the couch listening to some of my Hillsong CDs, sharing a special moment.

She didn't bring up the conversation from a few nights before, . . . . . . :confused

It was a good evening, as she said so in an email today. We are still slated to see this counselor and perhaps the subject (and other things) will be brought up to be dealt with. As for the gun issue, if it is something that she still expresses a concern about, then I have decided that she is more important that those "objects", but will only store them in another location, if that makes her more comfortable. IF we end up married, then that will be another thing to work out. . . . . . . . .but I am going to let "potential future me" worry about that one for now. :)

[Magnetic]

She still hasn't mentioned it. Wondering if she is waiting until the session with the counselor.

Sometimes I wish I had empathic abilities, being able to read minds. :rolleyes:

[Vhayes]

If she doesn't bring it up during the session, you certainly need to. See what the counselor has to say to BOTH of you.
V

[Magnetic]

Probably the best idea. It's a bit confusing, but will let it rest until the session. I'm not exactly sure when it will be, but it could be this weekend, . . . .Friday or Saturday.

[treeinheaven]

I have to agree with rabbiknife. She's a basket case and is making you one. The whole marriage might be one prolonged struggling match.

This issue of hers sounds like the tip of the iceberg. Think about this with sense not emotionally. Stay away for a week or two and see how you feel. Talk to her then and notice your emotions.

I personally would be angered.

Adam

[watchinginawe]

She still hasn't mentioned it. Wondering if she is waiting until the session with the counselor.

Sometimes I wish I had empathic abilities, being able to read minds. :rolleyes:Hey mag, did you ever tell her point blank that the mis-trust hurt your feelings?

God Bless!

[Magnetic]

Hey mag, did you ever tell her point blank that the mis-trust hurt your feelings?

God Bless!

During the conversation, I gave that idea, but not point blank. However, when the subject comes up, during the session, I will make that point.

treeinheaven, she isn't a basket case. She probably had something in her past happen that caused her to overreact. I'm hoping this will come out in the session.

[Gregg]

During the conversation, I gave that idea, but not point blank. However, when the subject comes up, during the session, I will make that point.

treeinheaven, she isn't a basket case. She probably had something in her past happen that caused her to overreact. I'm hoping this will come out in the session.


Do not let your fear of losing the relationship prohibit you from being direct (in a kind way) and totally honest with her. If you cannot share these things you are on a wrong path and doing both of you a great disservice. Again it shouldn't be this hard in the early goings. This should be a time of great joy and happiness. There are so many red flags here that you seem to be ignoring. I hope you both get the help you need.

May God bless you. May God bless her.