I am a "better" Christian than my husband?

[jwfab8988]

Whenever my husband brings up "hating" someone else, or says something that just isn't right, or sometimes he's into porn, I will usually tell him, "The Bible says:..." But he always responds with rolling him eyes and then he'll usually stop listening.

But he thinks he is a great Christian. He tells me all the time that he definitely is going to heaven because he believes in, Once saved, Always saved or Eternal Salvation. He believes, once you are saved, you could literally turn your life over to Satan and you still have your salvation and will most definitely go to Heaven. (Im still not quite sure on this myself. I don't think one can do just anything after they have been saved... I do believe you can "lose God")

But I also know it is the duty of the wife or as a women at all in a religeous situation, that I keep my mouth shut. That he should be teaching me. If I have a question, I am to ask him... not the other way around. But I find myself knowing more about the Bible than he cares to know.

I also know that is says in the bible, any woman who leaves her husband and marries another is commiting adultery. (Mark 10:12) I am not wanting to leave him anyway. I love him so much. I just know that we are so unequaly yolked, its almost impossible to live day to day without arguing... I just don't know what to do anymore.

[My_King]

You may not like my answer.

1. Respect your husband. Treat him with the highest form of respect a wife SHOULD treat her husband. God told us to.

2. Your actions may be what turns him around. Be the wife that shows him agape love - which means in spite of him not deserving it, love and respect him ANYWAY.

3. If you feel you are more mature than he is spiritually, that's ok. But don't rub it in his face. Quietly continue doing your Bible Study, growing in the Lord on your own. If you NEED help with something spiritually that he can't give you, find a mature woman to help you with it. I don't recommend you find a man.....but that's my own opinion.

4. And most of all - PRAY for him. Don't complain about or criticize him to people, especially in front of him. Rather, tell GOD everything in prayer. PRAY PRAY PRAY - don't stop.

5. Give him a chance to be THERE for you spiritually. Ask God to show you ways you can offer him the opportunity to be your spiritual leader.

6. Do you do Bible Studies together? If he is willing, do them! If he's not willing, that's ok. Don't badger him, or pout, or act offended.

I went through all of this and it took me a VERY LONG DIFFICULT ROAD to figure out I should have allowed God to work on him instead of me trying to. WOW, how things would be different if I'd learned this early on.

Wives can't change their husbands. We might want to, we might try to, but it doesn't work. It shouldn't work. It's God's job, not our's. Rest in God, let HIM do the hard part. In the meantime, continue respecting, submitting and loving your husband.......

Oh - side note here: God may very well USE you as an agent to help deal with your husband........another good reason to stay focused on God on your own...so you can hear / see / feel HIS promptings and guiding on what to do.

[jwfab8988]

Thank you for replying. Actually, I loved your answer. I think I needed to hear that.

I bought the book, "The Love Dare" from borders. From the movie Fireproof. I LOVE that movie.

Anyway, I think praying is all I can do for him. And maybe by treating him with more respect like you have said, then maybe he will change.

Right now he feels that I control him. Because I am always telling him what he is doing wrong. I am a new wife and I did not know how to act before. With the advice you have given me and the studies I have done, I think the best thing I can do is just be there for him.

I have asked him to do Bible studies with me before. He says he wants to but he just puts it off. I feel if I keep bringing it up he wont want to at all after a while and wont even say yes.

[daughter]

I don't think you're a better Christian than your husband... though it is possible that your husband isn't a Christian (yet.) I do know Christians can sin after salvation, but not willingly, and they won't enjoy it.

My husband wasn't Christian, till about five months before he died. I remember how hard it was to obey the Bible... at one point he told me I wasn't to read the Bible in front of him, or pray in the same room. It was the hardest thing to obey that... but I did. And literally within days God started to turn the situation around.

One thing I learned is that no wife can ever nag her husband into the kingdom. Through God's grace we can love them into the kingdom. When he does something that grieves the Holy Spirit in you, pray for him. If everytime you thought of saying something to correct him, you prayed to God for wisdom, grace, patience instead, or asked Him to reach your man's heart... you'd be surprised how much of each day you'd spend in silent prayer. Just remember, God can turn the heart of the king... I'm sure He can turn the heart of your husband.

It sounds to me like your husband has been blessed with a godly wife... I hope and pray that he'll realise what a great gift God has given him. And that you have patience in this situation to see just what God can do.

He really is amazing, He spoke to my husband when nobody else could (especially me) and I know where my husband is today precisely because God worked silently in the quiet spaces when I couldn't see what was happening. If I'd filled that time with my words, I'd have crowded God out. I'm glad God helped me keep silent!

Let us know how things are going ... and God bless you for asking the question. :hug:

[tayariswife]

This thread is such a blessing and confirmation and re-ieteration in my life! Thank you!
I have also found that praying and showing the "agape" love has made SUCH a difference! So many things that I even now still worry about I find that God is working on long before I even recognize it!! Sometimes I will call my MIL to fuss about how he "is" going to do this or that only find that my husband had plans to follow through responsibly after all!! :lol: I have gotten better now about waiting to see before I start anticipating!!!!

[My_King]

I just wanted to make a note here about respecting a husband.....

Please, please, please don't get into the mindset of, "If I treat him with respect, then he will _________________________(fill in blank here.)"

This is manipulation and it's not what I'm talking about. What I'm referring to is....

Treat him with respect because GOD made your husband. God loves your husband. God has grace for your husband too. Jesus DIED ON THE CROSS FOR YOUR HUSBAND.

And - God's word tells us to respect our husbands. So if we obey God and do what HE tells us to do, we're honoring our relationship with the Lord. I suppose I'm basically saying is: Learn to respect our husbands for God first. We should be putting God first in everything we do anyway - this included. The fact our husbands will be blessed and will enjoy and respond to our respect is NOT why we should be doing it.

Again - we can't change our men. Even if we treat them with Agape love and respect, our husbands may continue on their whole lives doing what we don't like. But we are to honor God by treating our men with the highest level of love and respect there is.

[tayariswife]

I didn't get the idea that by doing "this" you will get "that" result. I just honestly believe that when giving love and showing the proper respect, ect, you are at peace because you are fulfulling your obligation, that you are potentially changed as well, that God changes/reveals/opens/closes what is needed. Through prayer, love and respect, we prepare ourselves and our husbands to be pliable enough for the Potter's hands!
I completely agree that a person may not "change" sometyhing about themsselves and there is nothing that can be done. But the prayer and respect, etc may very well change you own heart!

[jwfab8988]

Please, please, please don't get into the mindset of, "If I treat him with respect, then he will _________________________(fill in blank here.)"

Oh I never thought this. I quite simply just started to understand by my own Bible study and prayer, that if I do the works of God, it is quite possible that he will see that and become a better Christian himself. If not, at least I am doing what God wants of me.

But the prayer and respect, etc may very well change you own heart!

This is more of what I was thinking. I know I may never change my husband, but God could also change my own heart to respect him more no matter what. To pray for him when he needs it instead of yelling at him.

I do have a question though, what do I do when my husband disrespects me? I know I pray about it, but I was also told that a key to a healthy relationship is to speak up and at least let my feelings be known so that he knows how he is making me feel. So that if he is doing something disrespectful or hurtful he will know not to do that later.

My husband doesn't like when I do not talk to him. He doesn't like when I "scold him" either and I understand that. I am the same way. But he also tells me all the time that I need to talk to him about how I feel and if anything is bother me.

[karenoka27]

I love this thread!

And may I first tell you that I too bought the book "The Love Dare" and after a few pages,I threw it out I was so angry! I'm going to buy it again and not give up this time. The thing with taking on a dare like this is to do it and not "expect" anything in return.
I am still applying the things I did read and I am seeing my husband respond. My problem was that it wasn't happening in my time!:rolleyes:

1 Peter 3:1 is a verse that the Lord has used to convict me for years! I couldn't escape this verse no matter how hard I tried. I tried to convince the Lord that it was the husband he gave me! And I tried to justify before our God all the reasons why I was right and I just couldn't be quiet. The Lord won. I wrestled with Him and all I ended up with is a form of arthritis that keeps me from running!

Then I went back to the verse and decided to try it His way.
"Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;"

Likewise, ye wives,be in subjection to your own husbands (the grass is "not" greener on the other side!)
If any obey not the word (You see Lord, that's what I'm talking about, my husband doesn't obey the Word....:cry:)
they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives ( Or the lack of conversation?....:rolleyes:)

I started thinking before I spoke. When my husband would upset me, I would think of what I really wanted to tell him. At the same time I was telling the Lord what I really wanted to say...then I played out in my head where it would go if I said it...after so many years you can kind of tell where things will go....) then I didn't say it! It takes practice but it works!
My husband came to an Easter special at our church a couple of weeks ago. This was big as he would never do this before. I didn't expect him to come nor did I tell him the Bible said he should.
My point is you are saved, your husband says that he is. You need to work out your own salvation and let him work out his. We each will stand before God individually to give an account for how we lived. You won't be able to blame your husband...God will say, "But I gave you 1 Peter 3:1!):hug:

[jwfab8988]

Wow, that is very true. I was so worried about my husband getting to heaven, that I was disobeying God and telling my husband how to live his life.

That is a HUGE eye opener. Thanks!

[jwfab8988]

I love this thread!

And may I first tell you that I too bought the book "The Love Dare" and after a few pages,I threw it out I was so angry! I'm going to buy it again and not give up this time. The thing with taking on a dare like this is to do it and not "expect" anything in return.
I am still applying the things I did read and I am seeing my husband respond. My problem was that it wasn't happening in my time!:rolleyes:

I have not yet started the book because I had though that I needed more patience. But yesterday I decided, I should just do it. The book does say that if I needed a break, that I could take one and pick up right where I left off. This way I can keep my patience and I wont get angry at myself, my husband or God.

[karenoka27]

I have not yet started the book because I had though that I needed more patience. But yesterday I decided, I should just do it. The book does say that if I needed a break, that I could take one and pick up right where I left off. This way I can keep my patience and I wont get angry at myself, my husband or God.

I guess I didn't read that part!:lol: I am going to buy the book again...I won't give up next time!

[jwfab8988]

I guess I didn't read that part!:lol: I am going to buy the book again...I won't give up next time!

Good for you! :hug: It says on page IX "Don't be discouraged if outside situations prevent you from accomplishing a dare. Just pick back up as soon as you can and proceed with the journey."

[My_King]

I apologize everyone - I wasn't intending to make someone think I believed they WERE trying to manipulate their husbands. Forgive me if it came across that way. To be honest with you all - it is I who seriously naively thought at first I could "change" my husband. So my strong opinions come from personal experience of being this said type of a wife.

God sure humbled me though! LOL

My husband and I did the Love Dare. At some point I become upset and quit working on it with him. We haven't picked it back up in a few months though, maybe it's time for us to get started again.

What to do when your husband disrespects you?

There is a class my husband and I took at our church called Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.....he basically explained that so many "issues" between our spouses has so much to do with MISUNDERSTANDINGS. We are so different, that even if we say the same exact thing verbatim, we may mean different things.

Anyway - if you're feeling disrespected by your husband, I'd first try and figure out what he could have meant by what he said or did. Possibly, he didn't mean it the way you took it. I have learned to try and give my husband the benefit of the doubt. I don't really believe men are out to "hurt" us on purpose. But that belief has come with lots of praying and growing in the Lord.

Yes, it's always good to tell our husbands what we think and how we feel. It's not really WHAT we say to him, it's HOW we say it. Especially if he had no ill intent when he hurt our feelings. So I try really hard to make sure I'm expressing my emotions in such a way that he doesn't get defensive or upset back at me. All men are very different so how you do this with your husband depends on his temperament.

[jwfab8988]

I apologize everyone - I wasn't intending to make someone think I believed they WERE trying to manipulate their husbands. Forgive me if it came across that way. To be honest with you all - it is I who seriously naively thought at first I could "change" my husband. So my strong opinions come from personal experience of being this said type of a wife.

God sure humbled me though! LOL

My husband and I did the Love Dare. At some point I become upset and quit working on it with him. We haven't picked it back up in a few months though, maybe it's time for us to get started again.

What to do when your husband disrespects you?

There is a class my husband and I took at our church called Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.....he basically explained that so many "issues" between our spouses has so much to do with MISUNDERSTANDINGS. We are so different, that even if we say the same exact thing verbatim, we may mean different things.

Anyway - if you're feeling disrespected by your husband, I'd first try and figure out what he could have meant by what he said or did. Possibly, he didn't mean it the way you took it. I have learned to try and give my husband the benefit of the doubt. I don't really believe men are out to "hurt" us on purpose. But that belief has come with lots of praying and growing in the Lord.

Yes, it's always good to tell our husbands what we think and how we feel. It's not really WHAT we say to him, it's HOW we say it. Especially if he had no ill intent when he hurt our feelings. So I try really hard to make sure I'm expressing my emotions in such a way that he doesn't get defensive or upset back at me. All men are very different so how you do this with your husband depends on his temperament.

Is it okay to tell him how I feel? If he is hurting my feelings, would it be Biblicaly okay for me to tell him how I feel. Like saying "I feel hurt by whatever it was he did"?

This is going to be so hard. I get so angry at him when he does something hurtful or wrong and its going to take a lot of patience and time for me to think before I say. When he does something hurtful I usually end up exploding and going to the last step, "Me or that", because of everything that has happened in out relationship.

We have been married for a year and I swear we have fought every day of it, and one tends to get tired of that. I've basically tought myself to stand up for myself and act the way he treated me only 10 times worse. But now because of that, he is the submissive one. He asks ME to use HIS OWN money... :/ Now that's not right. I take care of the bills but I have never kept him from his money. Its just a character trait he has learned over the year we have been married just by the way I treated him...

But it will be difficult because today he put the bread away wrong, and its amazing how much that bugged me. There was to much air in the bag! It would have gone bad. So I picked it up and put it away right and he rolled his eyes at me and huffed. :B Ugh, I wish life weren't so difficult. I am so tired of all the arguing and fighting and sighs and eye rolls... ect...

[livingwaters]

:pray:Praying that the Lord give you wisdom and understanding....patience comes, but usually through trials.....so, some of us should be very wise, right.....LOL:hmm::hmm::hmm:

[My_King]

Is it okay to tell him how I feel? If he is hurting my feelings, would it be Biblicaly okay for me to tell him how I feel. Like saying "I feel hurt by whatever it was he did"?

This is going to be so hard. I get so angry at him when he does something hurtful or wrong and its going to take a lot of patience and time for me to think before I say. When he does something hurtful I usually end up exploding and going to the last step, "Me or that", because of everything that has happened in out relationship.


My grandmother used to chastise me while growing up in a way I didn't realize I was being corrected. She has this "gift" of saying what needs to be said without invoking any defensiveness. I asked her years later how she did it and from what I understand - she doesn't use any emotional tones when talking, she doesn't make it about YOU - it's about the ACTION, and she doesn't go on and on and on. So if the bread situation was an issue for her, she might say.....

"I always worry the bread will dry out when there is too much air in the bag and I don't enjoy wasting food."

She's say it in a VERY calm voice and not even mention the fact it was HIM who put too air in the bag - he already knows it was HIM, so why discuss that fact? Besides, what is the actually bothersome POINT is the air in the bag, right? So just talk about the action and how it makes you feel, NOT about the person doing it.

Of course, your husband may still put the bread away with too much air in it. In all honesty though - is air in a bread bag worth having ill feelings in your marriage over?

I know that's easier said than done. TRUST ME. My husband keeps the toaster plugged in when he's done. That irritates me so bad I could spit nails. (We had a family member whose house burned down from the toaster being plugged in so ever since,I'm paranoid, I admit it.) But I can't badger him about it. And I know there are things I do that bug him too.

Small things - keep it in perspective. Two people trying to live together is difficult. We are learning to "blend" our lives together in oneness. God wants us to learn to get along. Her space, His space, Our space, etc...it's not an easy task.

Gratitude - it's an amazing thing. I know this sounds too simple and it's harder to do than it sounds - but next time he puts the bread away and there is too much air in the bag - THANK HIM for helping clean up. Try focusing on the positive aspect of the situation vs. the negative. I sometimes succeed at telling my husband, "Thank you for making me toast this morning...." as I unplug the toaster. :) Not always, sometimes I'm full of negative thoughts about how our house could burn down and it'd be his fault and etc etc etc........ But that's not what God wants. He wants us to focus and think and dwell on what is lovely, pure, honest, nice, loving and joyful....keep your mind on what your husband is doing GOOD and make sure you praise him for those things.

Yes, the bread might dry out - but better the bread than your marriage drying out!

Yes, my house might burn down - but better the house than my marriage going up in smoke!

We can always buy new bread and a new house - but our marriages are sacred........I often forget that.

God bless you.

[kricaud]

I have found through my own struggles with my husband falling away from Jesus as his savior that prayer is very powerful. I was also avoiding discussing other issues, because I was always worried that he would again tell me that I was trying to control him. I soon realized that I could not avoid every issue, because the resentment was building and every little thing he did was making me crazy!!

The best thing that I have found is that I pray for God's wisdom and for the Holy Spirit to guide my words before I bring up issues that could become arguments. This has really helped me to be more loving in my attitude and calmer in my discussions with my husband. I also pray for him to react in a non-defensive manner and to hear the words as an opportunity for discussion and not as criticisms. I have also had to "let go" of more issues that are not important enough to discuss.

There are still many hard days, but God provides the strength and love that I cannot achieve on my own. I do my devotions and if my husband is around, I sometimes comment on something interesting that I have read to try do open up a biblical discussion. Sometimes he is interested and other times he isn't, I just can't push him.

Continue to pray for you husband but also pray for yourself. I tried for too many years to argue and change the path of beliefs that I saw my husband stumbling down and it did nothing but cause arguments and problems. I have realized that I cannot control his beliefs (a very hard thing to admit and turn control over), but it has strengthened my faith tremendously now that I have turned it over in prayer to God. Pray for God to grant you patience and love with your husband and that He will provide you with the ability to forgive your husband.

Sorry this is so long. It is reassuring and comforting to have others to discuss these issues with. God provides always, even when we are too stubborn or stupid to ask.

[jwfab8988]

I have started The Love Dare. I think it will help me a lot. Iv learned that kindness can really help change any entire relationship. If I acted more kind towards my husband and less naggy, maybe he will start acting better himself.

But I am going to try not to push him anymore. I cannot change him. But my actions could motivate him to want to be better. :) I will keep praying for him.

Thanks for all the support from everyone!

[tayariswife]

I have found through my own struggles with my husband falling away from Jesus as his savior that prayer is very powerful. I was also avoiding discussing other issues, because I was always worried that he would again tell me that I was trying to control him. I soon realized that I could not avoid every issue, because the resentment was building and every little thing he did was making me crazy!!

The best thing that I have found is that I pray for God's wisdom and for the Holy Spirit to guide my words before I bring up issues that could become arguments. This has really helped me to be more loving in my attitude and calmer in my discussions with my husband. I also pray for him to react in a non-defensive manner and to hear the words as an opportunity for discussion and not as criticisms. I have also had to "let go" of more issues that are not important enough to discuss.

There are still many hard days, but God provides the strength and love that I cannot achieve on my own. I do my devotions and if my husband is around, I sometimes comment on something interesting that I have read to try do open up a biblical discussion. Sometimes he is interested and other times he isn't, I just can't push him.

Continue to pray for you husband but also pray for yourself. I tried for too many years to argue and change the path of beliefs that I saw my husband stumbling down and it did nothing but cause arguments and problems. I have realized that I cannot control his beliefs (a very hard thing to admit and turn control over), but it has strengthened my faith tremendously now that I have turned it over in prayer to God. Pray for God to grant you patience and love with your husband and that He will provide you with the ability to forgive your husband.

Sorry this is so long. It is reassuring and comforting to have others to discuss these issues with. God provides always, even when we are too stubborn or stupid to ask.

I love this reply. I had (a-hem.. sometimes have) a terrible habit of cutting my husbad off when he was speaking. Mostly because he would be saying something that just wasn't true (mainly his perception of my feelings or actions) and then repeated it over and over. I would get defensive and sometimes say things in less than a loving way. I found that even though it is tough to sit and listen to what hurts you, you must sit there and be quiet. Then the whole time I will say in my mind "listen from a place of love! LOVE!" over and over. As it was my time to speak, I would have the mantra going in my mind "are you saying this lovingly? speak from a place of love!- only love!" When I pace myself I find that things work out better. What opened my eyes is that I was telling my son that the definition of listening is when you are quiet and let the other person talk, processing what they say without thinking about your response until they have completed speaking. I mean, how often do we do that? How often do we really let someone finish before we start thinking about what we will reply to them? Sometimes, the person doesn't even get to the point before you have your mind made up on what you're gonna say about it!! Anyhow, reminding myself that I must be loving and come from a place of love makes a difference. I think people are more receptive to you because they can kind of tell where you are coming from....