I am not worthy of forgiveness.

[Metalwolf]

I am not worthy of forgiveness, as I have stolen something. What did I steal? A drink from out of my mom's liquer cabnet. And why did I do it? Becauae I am at the end of my rope, I am very depressed. I am tired of all the pain, I am tired of feeling it come back every day. I am somewhat intoxicated right now, so I will try to make sense. God doesn't have to for give me, I told him this, I told Him that I wished that He would give my salvation (if I even had any) to my mother, as I am not worthy of such a thing. I am a worthless sinner, alike with the rest headed down to Hell. I stole deliberately, I wanted to numb my pain. If God is interested in taking my salvation He should give it to someone who won't be as bad I as I am. I am not worthy of it. I know there are verses that mention sinning deliberately, and I deserve full punishment from God. I am tired of this life. I was never meant to be a Christian, God wasted His salvation on me, if He does decide to take it, He has my full support, as I am not deserving of it.

The 'Baby Fever' is never going to go away. I only want rest from it now. To not wake up day after day and feel it burning in my body. To not have my breasts lactate because the desire for pregnancy is so strong. I cannot control it, I cant get rid of it, I would even be willing to be raped to become pregnant. What happened to my mother's sweet blond haired little girl? Was this to be her future? Was she to know at age 5, what she would become. If I saw her, would I tell her, your future was not meant to be? Would she understand the monster that captivates my mind, this all consuming obsession? When I try to tell people what its like, its as if I am in the Twilight Zone, like I can't even convey the pain this is causing me. They don't understand! They think it is a mere desire, a desire to want kids. But it is not that! I don't even want kids! This feeling had come on me suddenly over two years ago, without warning! It won't go away if I watch toddlers, it won't go away if I have a pet that is allowed to give birth, nothing! No meds will touch it! The worst part is, nobody understands. This desire (I call it the Beast) is uncontrollable. I cannot talk to Christians because I am afraid they'll think the one thing I will do (become artificially Inseminated) is equivalent to fornication, or some other thing. I am afraid. I am afraid to, because AI is often considered something that lesbians do, or other stuff.

I am tired. I was never meant to be a Christian, as I have failed Him. My prayers are useless, they are worthless. I reckon my lot among the unbelievers. I do not reject Christ, but because I stole some booze, I will hold no grudge against Him if he chooses to reject me.

[Magnetic]

You're hardly "too bad" for God. I can't speak to your desire to be pregnant, but can tell you that stealing a drink is no where near as bad as what I've done in the past. What is true is that, . . .the past is the past. If you are sorry for it, you CAN ask forgiveness, then move on from this point. Don't give up! If I choose to not give up on myself, . . . so can you! :)

[HisLeast]

I am not worthy of forgiveness, as I have stolen something. What did I steal? A drink from out of my mom's liquer cabnet. And why did I do it? Becauae I am at the end of my rope, I am very depressed. I am tired of all the pain, I am tired of feeling it come back every day. I am somewhat intoxicated right now, so I will try to make sense. God doesn't have to for give me, I told him this, I told Him that I wished that He would give my salvation (if I even had any) to my mother, as I am not worthy of such a thing. I am a worthless sinner, alike with the rest headed down to Hell. I stole deliberately, I wanted to numb my pain. If God is interested in taking my salvation He should give it to someone who won't be as bad I as I am. I am not worthy of it. I know there are verses that mention sinning deliberately, and I deserve full punishment from God. I am tired of this life. I was never meant to be a Christian, God wasted His salvation on me, if He does decide to take it, He has my full support, as I am not deserving of it.

Hey MetalWolf,

Fortunately for us, we can't outrun grace. God can and will forgive your theft, just as he forgave my adultery, Paul's murder, and Peter's denial. You need to repent of your actions, and stop believing the lie that you actually want damnation. None of us deserve salvation, but God in His wisdom made it available to us... undeserving as we ALL are.

You're right that I can't understand your situation. But I care. The Lord gives each of us struggles, and for reasons we'll never know. What's clear to me is that if you feel like you'd submit to rape in order to conceive that you have an irrational compulsion. Have you sought professional help? Don't feel ashamed in answering, I've sought and I'm receiving professional help for an irrational compulsion of my own.

Put the booze away, repent of your theft, and drown your pain in the knowledge that God forgives and is present even when we can't see Him.

[DaniHansen]

Why do you judge yourself? Isn't God your Judge?

Let Him judge righteously, and trust that He knows what is best for you.

I know we've discussed your desire for kids, and so if you think you'd make a capable parent, then let that be between your conscience and your Savior. I'm neither here to judge you, nor to stop you. We all have our various desires, for various reasons. I think the only thing I would ask is find out why your desire for children is so strong, and where God would have you go with it. There is always a perfectly plausible reason for everything, and we can never assume.

Please do stop tormenting yourself, and ask God to give you understanding, wisdom, and clear vision. For yourself, and the people in your life. :hug:

[fuzzi]

Metalwolf, the Lord died for you and every one of us, and none of us deserves His mercy or forgiveness or grace.

But He loved you enough to save you, YOU, not because of anything you did, but because He loved that part of you that makes you who you are.

He loves you for YOU.

There's nothing that you or I can do to earn that forgiveness, and there's nothing so terrible that we have done or will do that would cause Him to take it away.

That's 'grace', my dear sister.

Now, ask the Lord to get this spirit of Satan off your back, to cleanse you from all evil influence, and to make you what He would have you to be. In doing what He wants, you (and I) can feel as if we're paying back a tiny bit of what He's given us.

Right? :)

I'll be praying for you, and I know the Lord will hear and answer.

I am not worthy of forgiveness, as I have stolen something. What did I steal? A drink from out of my mom's liquer cabnet. And why did I do it? Becauae I am at the end of my rope, I am very depressed. I am tired of all the pain, I am tired of feeling it come back every day. I am somewhat intoxicated right now, so I will try to make sense. God doesn't have to for give me, I told him this, I told Him that I wished that He would give my salvation (if I even had any) to my mother, as I am not worthy of such a thing. I am a worthless sinner, alike with the rest headed down to Hell. I stole deliberately, I wanted to numb my pain. If God is interested in taking my salvation He should give it to someone who won't be as bad I as I am. I am not worthy of it. I know there are verses that mention sinning deliberately, and I deserve full punishment from God. I am tired of this life. I was never meant to be a Christian, God wasted His salvation on me, if He does decide to take it, He has my full support, as I am not deserving of it.

The 'Baby Fever' is never going to go away. I only want rest from it now. To not wake up day after day and feel it burning in my body. To not have my breasts lactate because the desire for pregnancy is so strong. I cannot control it, I cant get rid of it, I would even be willing to be raped to become pregnant. What happened to my mother's sweet blond haired little girl? Was this to be her future? Was she to know at age 5, what she would become. If I saw her, would I tell her, your future was not meant to be? Would she understand the monster that captivates my mind, this all consuming obsession? When I try to tell people what its like, its as if I am in the Twilight Zone, like I can't even convey the pain this is causing me. They don't understand! They think it is a mere desire, a desire to want kids. But it is not that! I don't even want kids! This feeling had come on me suddenly over two years ago, without warning! It won't go away if I watch toddlers, it won't go away if I have a pet that is allowed to give birth, nothing! No meds will touch it! The worst part is, nobody understands. This desire (I call it the Beast) is uncontrollable. I cannot talk to Christians because I am afraid they'll think the one thing I will do (become artificially Inseminated) is equivalent to fornication, or some other thing. I am afraid. I am afraid to, because AI is often considered something that lesbians do, or other stuff.

I am tired. I was never meant to be a Christian, as I have failed Him. My prayers are useless, they are worthless. I reckon my lot among the unbelievers. I do not reject Christ, but because I stole some booze, I will hold no grudge against Him if he chooses to reject me.

[Sojourner]

MetalWolf, none of which you said is true, except that you stole. Somehow you have believe an untruth about the nature of God. Father God is nothing of the sort like the way you presented him - he still loves you more that the mind of man can conceive. He want to lift you up, not cast you away. Don't believe the Devil's lies anymore. Just hang with us as we try to help you. :hug: :pray:

...and thank God for the help you already received.

MetalWolf, you have God's eyes and attention on you. Please go easy on yourself.

[tango]

I am not worthy of forgiveness, as I have stolen something. What did I steal? A drink from out of my mom's liquer cabnet. And why did I do it? Becauae I am at the end of my rope, I am very depressed. I am tired of all the pain, I am tired of feeling it come back every day. I am somewhat intoxicated right now, so I will try to make sense. God doesn't have to for give me, I told him this, I told Him that I wished that He would give my salvation (if I even had any) to my mother, as I am not worthy of such a thing. I am a worthless sinner, alike with the rest headed down to Hell. I stole deliberately, I wanted to numb my pain. If God is interested in taking my salvation He should give it to someone who won't be as bad I as I am. I am not worthy of it. I know there are verses that mention sinning deliberately, and I deserve full punishment from God. I am tired of this life. I was never meant to be a Christian, God wasted His salvation on me, if He does decide to take it, He has my full support, as I am not deserving of it.

The 'Baby Fever' is never going to go away. I only want rest from it now. To not wake up day after day and feel it burning in my body. To not have my breasts lactate because the desire for pregnancy is so strong. I cannot control it, I cant get rid of it, I would even be willing to be raped to become pregnant. What happened to my mother's sweet blond haired little girl? Was this to be her future? Was she to know at age 5, what she would become. If I saw her, would I tell her, your future was not meant to be? Would she understand the monster that captivates my mind, this all consuming obsession? When I try to tell people what its like, its as if I am in the Twilight Zone, like I can't even convey the pain this is causing me. They don't understand! They think it is a mere desire, a desire to want kids. But it is not that! I don't even want kids! This feeling had come on me suddenly over two years ago, without warning! It won't go away if I watch toddlers, it won't go away if I have a pet that is allowed to give birth, nothing! No meds will touch it! The worst part is, nobody understands. This desire (I call it the Beast) is uncontrollable. I cannot talk to Christians because I am afraid they'll think the one thing I will do (become artificially Inseminated) is equivalent to fornication, or some other thing. I am afraid. I am afraid to, because AI is often considered something that lesbians do, or other stuff.

I am tired. I was never meant to be a Christian, as I have failed Him. My prayers are useless, they are worthless. I reckon my lot among the unbelievers. I do not reject Christ, but because I stole some booze, I will hold no grudge against Him if he chooses to reject me.

Metalwolf, you are right that you have sinned - we have all sinned. None of us are worthy of God's grace but that doesn't stop God from loving us.

I'd like to point you at this passage in Ephesians (emphasis is mine):

Eph 6:10-17 NKJV Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. (11) Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. (12) For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. (13) Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. (14) Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, (15) and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; (16) above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. (17) And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God;

The devil cannot stand against the word of God, against the sword which you as a Christian can wield. But if he can convince you that you're not worthy to wield it, that you should lay it down and not fight, he doesn't need to fear you any more. He still can't take your salvation away from you but if you lay down your sword you cannot fight back against the devil.


Since I started with Ephesians I'll finish with Ephesians too:

Eph 1:3-7 NKJV Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ, (4) just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before Him in love, (5) having predestined us to adoption as sons by Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the good pleasure of His will, (6) to the praise of the glory of His grace, by which He made us accepted in the Beloved. (7) In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of His grace

We have redemption through the blood of Jesus, we have forgiveness of sins through the riches of God's grace. And nobody can take that away from you.

[Metalwolf]

But what about Hebrews 10:26-31?

[fuzzi]

But what about Hebrews 10:26-31?
"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." (1 John 1:9)

Do you repent? Are you sorry? Your post seems to indicate you know you have sinned.

Ask the Lord to forgive you, and He will.

[tango]

What about John 21:15-19?

Don't forget this was after Peter had denied Jesus.

[fuzzi]

What about John 21:15-19?

Don't forget this was after Peter had denied Jesus.
Yes, very good reference.

Metalwolf, God's already forgiven you, the sins you commit today and will commit in the future were nailed to the cross with Christ, and have been taken care of. All you have to do is ask Him to help you, to forgive you.

It seems too simple, yet it is real.

[DaniHansen]

But what about Hebrews 10:26-31?

That's talking about willfully turning our backs on Jesus and seeking another means of salvation (i.e. circumcision or sacrificing animals or any other such things). There is only one way to the Father, and His name is Jesus. There is no other name by which we can be saved. That's pretty much the theme of Hebrews if you read it in its entirety.

That's not talking about "I'm depressed and so I'm sneaking a drink of something out of a cabinet somewhere because I feel overwhelmed".


Apples and oranges. :)

[Metalwolf]

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." (1 John 1:9)

Do you repent? Are you sorry? Your post seems to indicate you know you have sinned.

Ask the Lord to forgive you, and He will.
Yes, I am sorry about it, and I don't want to do that again. At the time, I just wanted relief, and if my mother was there at the time, I would have asked her if I could have had some. I just wanted something to numb me so badly, that I was strongly tempted to take what was not mine. I was afraid to ask God for forgiveness, for fear that the damage was permanant.

I know alcohol is not a good remedy for life's problems, and I don't want to start down that path, because I don't want to get pulled into alcoholism.

Thank you all. :kiss:
One valuable lesson I have learned today, is that I am still prone to sin, even sins that I would not have normally thought I would do. Usually I would feel that I was doing pretty good if I didn't do anything that I recognized as sin, and then Bam! I do something I didn't think I'd do and on a better day I wouldn't have. So I guess that is why God says basically to be on your guard. It is a humbling experiance.

Edit: Yes, HisLeast, I am undergoing counseling. But I don't know if they are experianced with irrational compulsions though. And I only get to see my therapist once every 2 weeks. :(

Again I say, thatnk you all!

[livingwaters]

Oh, be of good cheer cause the Lord says this:

"My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into diverse temptations; Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing." James 1:2-4

"Though I walk in the midst of trouble, thou wilt revive me: thou shalt stretch forth thine hand against the wrath of mine enemies, and thy right hand shall save me." - Psalm 138:7

"Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD" (Psalm 27:14)

"My son, preserve sound judgment and discernment, do not let them out of your sight." Proverbs 3:21

“Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.” Psalm 119:105 (Get busy in the Word of God)

Matthew 11:28-30 "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give your rest." Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light!"

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7 (http://bibleresources.bible.com/passagesearchresults.php?passage1=2%20Timothy+1:7&version=9)

See, God's Word is full of promises to us...Blessings.....HIS Word teaches and feeds our spirit and the HOLY SPIRIT!!! We must not quench the HOLY GHOST by not reading God's Word. How else do you think God will reveal things to you or speak to you. YOU MUST KNOW HIS WORD!! The TRUTH comes by hearing the Word. The Truth will set you free!!! Don't ever crush the Spirit of the Lord by saying you don't deserve salvation...Have you ever watched the passion of Christ? If so, you can see how our Lord Jesus was treated and how HE suffered for YOU AND ME!!!!! Now, that's TRUE LOVE!!!Rejoice in HIM...HE is your only HOPE. We can do nothing without HIM.....so, cling, cry and shout out to God with your petitions and prayers and wait on HIM!!!!:hug::pp

[bagofseed]

I am not worthy of forgiveness, as I have stolen something. What did I steal? A drink from out of my mom's liquer cabnet. And why did I do it? Becauae I am at the end of my rope, I am very depressed. I am tired of all the pain, I am tired of feeling it come back every day. I am somewhat intoxicated right now, so I will try to make sense. God doesn't have to for give me, I told him this, I told Him that I wished that He would give my salvation (if I even had any) to my mother, as I am not worthy of such a thing. I am a worthless sinner, alike with the rest headed down to Hell. I stole deliberately, I wanted to numb my pain. If God is interested in taking my salvation He should give it to someone who won't be as bad I as I am. I am not worthy of it. I know there are verses that mention sinning deliberately, and I deserve full punishment from God. I am tired of this life. I was never meant to be a Christian, God wasted His salvation on me, if He does decide to take it, He has my full support, as I am not deserving of it.

The 'Baby Fever' is never going to go away. I only want rest from it now. To not wake up day after day and feel it burning in my body. To not have my breasts lactate because the desire for pregnancy is so strong. I cannot control it, I cant get rid of it, I would even be willing to be raped to become pregnant. What happened to my mother's sweet blond haired little girl? Was this to be her future? Was she to know at age 5, what she would become. If I saw her, would I tell her, your future was not meant to be? Would she understand the monster that captivates my mind, this all consuming obsession? When I try to tell people what its like, its as if I am in the Twilight Zone, like I can't even convey the pain this is causing me. They don't understand! They think it is a mere desire, a desire to want kids. But it is not that! I don't even want kids! This feeling had come on me suddenly over two years ago, without warning! It won't go away if I watch toddlers, it won't go away if I have a pet that is allowed to give birth, nothing! No meds will touch it! The worst part is, nobody understands. This desire (I call it the Beast) is uncontrollable. I cannot talk to Christians because I am afraid they'll think the one thing I will do (become artificially Inseminated) is equivalent to fornication, or some other thing. I am afraid. I am afraid to, because AI is often considered something that lesbians do, or other stuff.

I am tired. I was never meant to be a Christian, as I have failed Him. My prayers are useless, they are worthless. I reckon my lot among the unbelievers. I do not reject Christ, but because I stole some booze, I will hold no grudge against Him if he chooses to reject me.

Jesus came for the sick, the broken and the lost.

He came to save us from our selves.

Keep your trust in Him, and ask Him to show you what is behind all of this.
To show you the true motive of your heart.

Know the truth and the truth will set you free!

[fuzzi]

Yes, I am sorry about it, and I don't want to do that again. At the time, I just wanted relief, and if my mother was there at the time, I would have asked her if I could have had some. I just wanted something to numb me so badly, that I was strongly tempted to take what was not mine. I was afraid to ask God for forgiveness, for fear that the damage was permanant.
We all struggle with sin, of one sort or another. Whenever I fall into the same sin, I ask the Lord to forgive me, and endeavor to not do it again.

In my short time as a child of God, I have noticed that the more I let the Lord handle my issues, the less I have to struggle with them.

And the less I do certain sins, and the better I feel about myself, the more I start to notice other sins that I do, sins I'd never noticed before while I was struggling with basic sins.

For example:

After I accepted Jesus, and got 'saved', I struggled with cussing; I was very profane for most of my adult life, up to that point. It took time, and prayer, and repeated requests for forgiveness, but eventually, my cussing pretty much disappeared. Once in a great while, one slips out, but it's usually in times of great duress. That particular struggle is pretty much over.

However, once the Lord helped me overcome my cussing, He revealed another sin to me that I'd not noticed before: my critical spirit. All the time I just had to have something to say about just about everyone I saw or met. While driving, I had to make comments about other people and their driving habits, while shopping I had to comment on how other people were dressed, etc. The Lord laid this sin upon my conscience, really pressed me down about it, and with Him leading the way, I am on the way to overcoming it as well.

An older Christian told me once that the closer we get to the Lord, to His Light, the more It illuminates what we are, and we can see just how filthy and sinful we truly are. We won't be completely clean until we get our new bodies and live with Him in Heaven.

But until then, take some comfort in that the Lord loves you so much, that He is working on you, making you more like Himself. Now, isn't that love?

I know alcohol is not a good remedy for life's problems, and I don't want to start down that path, because I don't want to get pulled into alcoholism.

Thank you all. :kiss:
One valuable lesson I have learned today, is that I am still prone to sin, even sins that I would not have normally thought I would do. Usually I would feel that I was doing pretty good if I didn't do anything that I recognized as sin, and then Bam! I do something I didn't think I'd do and on a better day I wouldn't have. So I guess that is why God says basically to be on your guard. It is a humbling experiance.We are all prone to sin: David sinned, Paul sinned, Peter sinned, none of us is righteous, no, not one. We all have sinned and come short of the glory of God.

When I have been tempted to sin, I use Scripture to help me, just as Jesus quoted Scripture to refute the Devil. My first, and favorite verse was 1 Corinthians 10:13: "There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it."

No matter how strong a temptation you face, God will help you escape it, if you ask Him, and let Him. I cannot tell you how many times I have prayed and recited that verse over and over when faced with temptation to sin.

God bless you, I'll be praying for you.

[Metalwolf]

Thank you bagofseed, livingwaters, and fuzzi :)