Dating people and settling

[Trance]

I'll try to describe this as best as I can so you can get my meaning out of it. Several years ago I met this Christian girl who was at that time I thought perfect for me; she was my type, a believer and I was extremely attracted to her. I lost contact with her and that's pretty much it for that. I'm 25 now and ever since then I was never able to meet anybody like her again to measure up for somebody I can potentially marry. I DO get involved in church, have a reasonably good faith with the Lord, and socialize with guys and girls from church, but I still can't find anybody like that girl a few years back. My family and friends say just ask somebody out on a date but I think what they're really trying to say underneath this is "take what you can get." It feels like this is God's plan, that God is leading me just to be content with whoever it works out with and forget about that special girl I met way back.
I'm doing the best I can with everything in my life to measure up to that girl way back, but I feel like God's quietly telling me that I should stop trying so hard, that this girl is reserved for some other guy who is smarter, better looking, and richer than I am. Maybe God doesn't want me to be rich or that good looking or try so hard and just be with somebody who isn't like that girl I had met. What do you think?

[HisLeast]

I think first and foremost you should stop looking to God as a source of divination (finding out the future). At least in my own experience, "God's will" in the situation is simply that I act obediently, not that I wait for a flashing green arrow, so-to-speak.

Second, find a way to make peace with yourself. I noticed you found three ways to portray yourself negatively in your explanation. First, you interpret your parents as suggesting you should "settle". Second, you interpret no specific sign from God as indication you are "less smart, good looking, etc". Third, you describe yourself as needing to "measure up" to the girl in quesiton. Forgive me for saying so bro... but that's one deadly cocktail of low self image. Before you get involved with ANYONE, you need to come to grips with that.

Do you understand what I mean?

[WonderWoman4Jesus]

I'm sorry, I know it can be hard being lonely. First of all, God knows the desires of our hearts. If you want to be married, and have prayed to God about it, then it might take some time to find someone. I know it can be hard being alone, but you need to remember that it can prepare us for a good, strong marriage. I wish I had been alone rather than dated non-believers. I have been single for two years since I broke up with my non-believing boyfriend. I believe that I will never find anyone either, at times. Then I stop and think, do I trust God?

Yes, I do, and His time is different from mine. I know He knows what is best. There is a girl out there for you. Just know that you are loved and cherished, and when you feel down, I am here if you'd like to talk. *hugs*

God bless

[decrumpit]

I'll try to describe this as best as I can so you can get my meaning out of it. Several years ago I met this Christian girl who was at that time I thought perfect for me; she was my type, a believer and I was extremely attracted to her. I lost contact with her and that's pretty much it for that. I'm 25 now and ever since then I was never able to meet anybody like her again to measure up for somebody I can potentially marry. I DO get involved in church, have a reasonably good faith with the Lord, and socialize with guys and girls from church, but I still can't find anybody like that girl a few years back. My family and friends say just ask somebody out on a date but I think what they're really trying to say underneath this is "take what you can get." It feels like this is God's plan, that God is leading me just to be content with whoever it works out with and forget about that special girl I met way back.
I'm doing the best I can with everything in my life to measure up to that girl way back, but I feel like God's quietly telling me that I should stop trying so hard, that this girl is reserved for some other guy who is smarter, better looking, and richer than I am. Maybe God doesn't want me to be rich or that good looking or try so hard and just be with somebody who isn't like that girl I had met. What do you think?

There's ALWAYS someone out there. Don't lose hope!

There are lots of people in this boat. Just tough it out. I have yet to even date a Christian woman, let alone marry one!

[Momof5]

I am moving this to the Counseling forum.

[Uriel]

This sounds like something that I went through and still struggle with even as I am preparing to get married.

I really liked this girl that I had one date with in college and we became really good friends with after we had our date. But she did not want a relationship. But I really thought the world of her and thought we would be great together. But really I was taking someone that I liked and building them up in my mind. I am not saying that is what you are doing but it kinda sounds like that to me since you have not seen her in a while.

I also struggled with putting myself down and thinking that I was not good enough for someone. Then I meet the woman who I'm going to marry in less than 4 months and she helped me to realize that I am a really great guy. That money and looks and intellegence are not really that important. I also found that I was not settling for some not as good as the girl that I liked but I found someone more suited to who I am and who is really a better fit for me.

And trust me it was not easy I was single for over 7 years before I found my love and went through a lot heart ache trying to find someone. I had a few pretty bad dates, asked girls out and got no dates even though they said yes and just some flat out nos but it all worked out in the end. Hope it will for you too.

[faithmyeyes]

Here's my suggestion: First, do what it takes to go find that special girl. If you still find you're crazy about her (and she's not married yet), lay it on the line and tell her how you feel. What do you have to lose? Whatever happens, you'll have drawn a line in the sand that you can purposefully move beyond without looking back.

Also find something that you love and can pour yourself into as a man... something productive to do that utilizes your unique gifts and benefits those around you. Don't do it trying to "measure up" to anyone - do it because it's what we as men ought to do, and do it because it will build your self-confidence (as you see what God begins to do through you) and stop you brooding about all the things you wish you were.

"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live." You owe it to your future self and the God you serve to kick yourself in the rear and get moving toward resolving this stuff.

blessings and peace
faithmyeyes

[livingwaters]

Hey now!!!! If you are a born-again Christian, you are a Prince!!!! Son of THE KING!!! In a Royal Priesthood!!! How much more do you need??!!!!!!:bounce::bounce::bounce:

Come on, live for the Lord....HE says in HIS Word, "I will give you the desires of your heart....don't settle for less....settle for the best!!! ;)Alleluia..Alleluia...Thank You, Lord!!!:pp:pp:pp:pp

[Xel'Naga]

I'll try to describe this as best as I can so you can get my meaning out of it. Several years ago I met this Christian girl who was at that time I thought perfect for me; she was my type, a believer and I was extremely attracted to her. I lost contact with her and that's pretty much it for that. I'm 25 now and ever since then I was never able to meet anybody like her again to measure up for somebody I can potentially marry. I DO get involved in church, have a reasonably good faith with the Lord, and socialize with guys and girls from church, but I still can't find anybody like that girl a few years back. My family and friends say just ask somebody out on a date but I think what they're really trying to say underneath this is "take what you can get." It feels like this is God's plan, that God is leading me just to be content with whoever it works out with and forget about that special girl I met way back.

I'm doing the best I can with everything in my life to measure up to that girl way back, but I feel like God's quietly telling me that I should stop trying so hard, that this girl is reserved for some other guy who is smarter, better looking, and richer than I am. Maybe God doesn't want me to be rich or that good looking or try so hard and just be with somebody who isn't like that girl I had met. What do you think?

Well, I see you have two options: 1) get back in contact with this woman or 2) move on. I don't see what you've got to lose, why not try to get in contact with her?

[Diggindeeper]

Can you some way find her?

If so, you would know if she is married and still available or not. If she is, then you can move on. I offer, try to find her and if you do, and if she is not married, tell her you've been trying to find her.

I know a young lady, the daughter of a friend of mine. She was engaged to one guy. Thought he was THE one. But, over time, he proved he was not THE one. For one thing, he was a grown man, but a real live, walking, talking, MAMA'S BOY.

Well, time went on, and Gabby (her nickname for Gabrielle) kind of resigned herself to the idea that she may never find that ONE. But, at work one day, a guy walked in whom she had known and had a crush on in high school. He never knew she had a crush on him, because he had never asked her out or anything. They had never really gotten to know each other. But he left her place of employment with her phone number and acted glad to see her.

He did call. He did ask her out...and come to find out...he had thought of her all those years, but lost track of her! He had been too shy in school to ask her out and feared rejection. He said he had loved her, even back then.

After dating about 10 or 11 months, they got married. And are very happy. Have a little baby boy now, too.

She was 28 years old when she married him.

So, make every effort to find out what ever happened to your young lady. And if she is now available. If she isn't, then pray for a girl like her. Then, watch what God can do!

I'm a pushover for happy endings!

[DaniHansen]

I'm doing the best I can with everything in my life to measure up to that girl way back, but I feel like God's quietly telling me that I should stop trying so hard, that this girl is reserved for some other guy who is smarter, better looking, and richer than I am.

I think that doesn't sound at all like something God would say. Those are pretty shallow qualifications for a husband, quite honestly. Maybe you're the one saying it? Why are you so down on yourself?

[daughter]

If you have such very low self esteem, then you're going to think poorly of anyone you do "settle" for. After all, if you consider yourself not so smart or good looking, you're going to think poorly of anyone who would "settle" for you... am I right?

As a female, may I just say that I'd be very offended if I thought my husband had "settled" for the best he could get. It would make me feel very unhappy and insecure. Is that what you want to do to a potential marriage partner?

My advice is first of all to work on your poor self esteem. Are you suffering from depression? It certainly looks like you're less than happy. As a previous poster indicated... you're a child of the King.

[Trance]

Ha ha, so looks don't really matter huh? So then why did God create so many beautiful women? So guys who don't get what they really want can look from afar and ogle at them and not be content in their own relationship? I'm so sick of hearing "oh yeah, there's someone special for everybody." So let me guess, it's a sin for me to be attracted to somebody based on their body? I know what people say to defend that, that looks go away with age or through accidents/injuries, I know that. I'm attracted to a certain body type more than looks. An individual man is attracted to a woman who has the opposite immune system as he does, as well as other factors like pheromones, genetics, etc. so don't dare tell me that's not a factor. So what does that make, I sin because I'm attracted to one woman because her pheromones/genetics match mine? I heard so much in church and groups that "oh, it's just personality, nothing else," which I agree with to a certain degree. So why don't people at church talk about this more? Why don't more Christians talk about the science behind dating, attraction? Sorry to break it to you guys, but it's not just this wishy washy holistic dream idea you put on a Hallmark card! There's a science behind it, and if more guys study the science of it then there wouldn't be as many problems as "finding the right one" or dating.
And for my self esteem, I am seeing a psychiatrist for that. I know I have issues, and it's very deeply rooted because of family problems. But I think I'm a phoney. I try so hard and it's not the real me. Maybe that's it, God made me "special" and that should be good enough, that these desires for a certain type of woman are sinful and I should be ashamed of them. I still believe in the Lord and do my part to serve him, but wherever God doesn't fill the void I have to do it my self.
I studied books, seminars about dating and attraction. I am going to go through them again, in further detail than ever before, changing myself from the inside out, seeing that psychiatrist, becoming that perfect guy I can be for the women that I want. I will show everybody who I'm made of, all those people who talked me down before. And all those people, including my parents, who never believed I can accomplish this, they will never go to my wedding.

[Xel'Naga]

What do you think about God?

[HisLeast]

Ha ha, so looks don't really matter huh? So then why did God create so many beautiful women? So guys who don't get what they really want can look from afar and ogle at them and not be content in their own relationship? I'm so sick of hearing "oh yeah, there's someone special for everybody." So let me guess, it's a sin for me to be attracted to somebody based on their body? I know what people say to defend that, that looks go away with age or through accidents/injuries, I know that. I'm attracted to a certain body type more than looks. An individual man is attracted to a woman who has the opposite immune system as he does, as well as other factors like pheromones, genetics, etc. so don't dare tell me that's not a factor. So what does that make, I sin because I'm attracted to one woman because her pheromones/genetics match mine? I heard so much in church and groups that "oh, it's just personality, nothing else," which I agree with to a certain degree. So why don't people at church talk about this more? Why don't more Christians talk about the science behind dating, attraction? Sorry to break it to you guys, but it's not just this wishy washy holistic dream idea you put on a Hallmark card!

My friend, I would strongly suggest that you not lace out at people YOU came to, who have provided you with nothing but sound advice and caring encouragement. You're ranting about something nobody here has claimed. You're in a subsection of the forum populated with your elders, many of whom have been in your shoes. They understand very well how attraction works, with the added experience of being (or having been) married. Listen to them, understand what they're saying, and resist the urge to put words in their mouth so you can be angry.

And for my self esteem, I am seeing a psychiatrist for that. I know I have issues, and it's very deeply rooted because of family problems. But I think I'm a phoney. I try so hard and it's not the real me. Maybe that's it, God made me "special" and that should be good enough, that these desires for a certain type of woman are sinful and I should be ashamed of them. I still believe in the Lord and do my part to serve him, but wherever God doesn't fill the void I have to do it my self.
I studied books, seminars about dating and attraction. I am going to go through them again, in further detail than ever before, changing myself from the inside out, seeing that psychiatrist, becoming that perfect guy I can be for the women that I want. I will show everybody who I'm made of, all those people who talked me down before. And all those people, including my parents, who never believed I can accomplish this, they will never go to my wedding.
I'm really glad to hear that you're getting help. I'll say again though, that before you start trying to get involved with someone, you make peace with yourself. All the "science of attraction" books in the world aren't going to get you to a genuine experience if you're not first self respecting and self confident. Having been that guy myself, I can see the same signs: the idea I have to be perfect, the idea I'm undeserving, the idea I need study material, the idea that I "need". And most importantly, don't set your eyes on a relationship so you can "show everybody". What good will come out of that kind of bitterness?

[Trance]

If I did come off as lashing out at anybody here I'm sorry it's just that I had a rough week and some things weren't going they way I expected them to.
I grew up in an environment that wasn't exactly nurturing or benificial in helping my self-esteem, so I have this "Frank Abignale" type of distrust and "lone wolf" leader personality where I watch my back every chance I get. I see myself as Rambo in the wilderness who has to watch every move he makes and survive out there. Trust me, I did not have the same background many of these rich white kids had in suburbia when I was a kid. I went to youth group, service projects, the whole nine yards. I saw the "good Christian kids" who conformed to everybody else in church do drugs, have sex, while me, an immigrant who dressed differently and listened to different music was accused of all these things too because I had the outer appearance one as such. I have a very hard time trusting people, preachers, and thus I have struggles with my faith sometimes too.
As for Xel'Naga's question, I think of God as the center of my life where I sometimes drift away from and sin. I go to extremes in my feelings. I have days where I feel so alone and isolated and depressed, like the biggest loser in the whole world; other days I feel God's presence so strongly that I just have this sense that there is an army of angels surrounding me, I feel so jubilant, focused, my real self. I perceive God as somewhere out there, just controlling the weather and not intimitely involved in every facet of my life because it's not important enough for him. Whatever I need to do, I do it and hope that God blesses me.
I don't wallow around in wishy washy superstition thinking that I need to hear some type of "nudge" from the Holy Spirit. When I was younger, I thought I felt this "nudge" and decided God "wanted" me to go to art school and study art. I did that for a year, lost interest, became more disillusioned with the world, and decided to study Criminal Justice instead. Well, this "nudge" from God now cost me $14,000 in art school loans on a subject that I will never go back to again. So if I hear anybody at a church service say "Oh yeah, I felt this 'pull' from the the Holy Spirit saying 'go to this career' or go to this country, I just shake my head and roll my eyes.

[Xel'Naga]

If I did come off as lashing out at anybody here I'm sorry it's just that I had a rough week and some things weren't going they way I expected them to.
I grew up in an environment that wasn't exactly nurturing or benificial in helping my self-esteem, so I have this "Frank Abignale" type of distrust and "lone wolf" leader personality where I watch my back every chance I get. I see myself as Rambo in the wilderness who has to watch every move he makes and survive out there. Trust me, I did not have the same background many of these rich white kids had in suburbia when I was a kid. I went to youth group, service projects, the whole nine yards. I saw the "good Christian kids" who conformed to everybody else in church do drugs, have sex, while me, an immigrant who dressed differently and listened to different music was accused of all these things too because I had the outer appearance one as such. I have a very hard time trusting people, preachers, and thus I have struggles with my faith sometimes too.

Was this girl the first girl you feel accepted you for who you are?


As for Xel'Naga's question, I think of God as the center of my life where I sometimes drift away from and sin. I go to extremes in my feelings. I have days where I feel so alone and isolated and depressed, like the biggest loser in the whole world; other days I feel God's presence so strongly that I just have this sense that there is an army of angels surrounding me, I feel so jubilant, focused, my real self. I perceive God as somewhere out there, just controlling the weather and not intimitely involved in every facet of my life because it's not important enough for him. Whatever I need to do, I do it and hope that God blesses me.
I don't wallow around in wishy washy superstition thinking that I need to hear some type of "nudge" from the Holy Spirit. When I was younger, I thought I felt this "nudge" and decided God "wanted" me to go to art school and study art. I did that for a year, lost interest, became more disillusioned with the world, and decided to study Criminal Justice instead. Well, this "nudge" from God now cost me $14,000 in art school loans on a subject that I will never go back to again. So if I hear anybody at a church service say "Oh yeah, I felt this 'pull' from the the Holy Spirit saying 'go to this career' or go to this country, I just shake my head and roll my eyes.

Do you know God is involved in your life? He's not relegated to controlling the weather. Or do you really believe He's only out there controlling the weather, sort of like a Deistic belief system?

[Trance]

I like this discussion in this thread I started and I hope we keep it going. So I've been seeing a counselor now for about a month and it's helping me big time. I learned a few things, such as that I am a prince of God who cannot settle for anything less than what I want. I also learned that I need to forgive all those who have tried to bring me down in the past, especially my parents as well. I feel better, but I still have some unanswered questions. Jesus died for me and expects me to excel in every part of life, leaving nothing lacking.

Here's a scenario involving some Christians: say there are two young Christian men trying to get the attention of a very attractive Christian woman. The first guy is naturally shy, unethletic, not good at being funny and not that good looking. The second guy is athletic, smart, has a very good sense of humor. Both of these men equally love the Lord. The Christian girl likes the second guy I metioned over the first. Then, after the first guy has this happen to him, his friends, family, and members of the church tell this guy that maybe he needs somebody more "suitable" for him. But this guy isn't attracted to that other girl who everyone thinks is suitable for him. The question is, will God help this shy guy in getting what he really wants, or does God think that this quiet guy should be with somebody more suitable for him even though this guy is reluctant to do so?

[Xel'Naga]

I like this discussion in this thread I started and I hope we keep it going. So I've been seeing a counselor now for about a month and it's helping me big time. I learned a few things, such as that I am a prince of God who cannot settle for anything less than what I want. I also learned that I need to forgive all those who have tried to bring me down in the past, especially my parents as well. I feel better, but I still have some unanswered questions. Jesus died for me and expects me to excel in every part of life, leaving nothing lacking.

Here's a scenario involving some Christians: say there are two young Christian men trying to get the attention of a very attractive Christian woman. The first guy is naturally shy, unethletic, not good at being funny and not that good looking. The second guy is athletic, smart, has a very good sense of humor. Both of these men equally love the Lord. The Christian girl likes the second guy I metioned over the first. Then, after the first guy has this happen to him, his friends, family, and members of the church tell this guy that maybe he needs somebody more "suitable" for him. But this guy isn't attracted to that other girl who everyone thinks is suitable for him. The question is, will God help this shy guy in getting what he really wants, or does God think that this quiet guy should be with somebody more suitable for him even though this guy is reluctant to do so?

Does God desire for us what we want, or does He desire for us what He knows is best for us, regardless of how we feel at the time?

[Trance]

So basically if this guy is attracted to beautiful Christian women who are out of his league and "reserved" for different guys, and trying to get their attention, that's wrong? So then it's right for this quiet guy to forget thinking about these women and be with somebody that he doesn't have much desire for? What if this quiet guy decides to change himself by learning how to be more funny and attractive, so that he does finally get what he really wants? Will God help him in that, or is this man just fighting an uphill battle?

Nobody knows how deeply it hurts me to think I can never have somebody that I find attractive but then God or church thinks that they're not "suitable" for me. What hurts even more is that God wants me to suppress those desires for these women and try to just see if some desire can come out for a more "suitable" woman for me.

Recently I just read this story, which is true by the way:

There was this guy who got into an accident on the road and got caught in a fire. His whole body and face got burned, and was barely recognizable after recovery. THEN a while later he got into a plane crash and was paralyzed from the waist down. Somehow he was able to attract a gorgeous doctor at the hospital, who is now his wife. How do you explain that? Be honest, would you all think that she was suitable for him? Or maybe would you say that maybe it was more suitable for this man to be alone?

[HisLeast]

So basically if this guy is attracted to beautiful Christian women who are out of his league and "reserved" for different guys, and trying to get their attention, that's wrong? So then it's right for this quiet guy to forget thinking about these women and be with somebody that he doesn't have much desire for? What if this quiet guy decides to change himself by learning how to be more funny and attractive, so that he does finally get what he really wants? Will God help him in that, or is this man just fighting an uphill battle?
Once again brother, I caution you against putting words in anyone's mouth. Nobody, nobody, nobody, and NOBODY said anyone was out of your league, nobody said anyone was reserved. Nobody said it was wrong for you to be attracted to anyone specific. Nobody here said you should "settle" for someone you aren't attracted to.

This is why, on the first page, I suggested you just stop worrying about all of this until you've made peace with yourself. Because (and brace yourself) the only person who's saying these things about you, so far, is you.

Nobody knows how deeply it hurts me to think I can never have somebody that I find attractive but then God or church thinks that they're not "suitable" for me. What hurts even more is that God wants me to suppress those desires for these women and try to just see if some desire can come out for a more "suitable" woman for me.
God has made his will clear when it comes to marriage. You can marry whomever you like so long as neither of you are adulterers and not fornicating before hand. There is no scriptural promise that we'll marry the first woman we're attracted to. Or second. Or third. As hurtful as the whole experience is (believe me, I know), do NOT pretend God is somehow at fault because you didn't get your way.

There was this guy who got into an accident on the road and got caught in a fire. His whole body and face got burned, and was barely recognizable after recovery. THEN a while later he got into a plane crash and was paralyzed from the waist down. Somehow he was able to attract a gorgeous doctor at the hospital, who is now his wife. How do you explain that? Be honest, would you all think that she was suitable for him? Or maybe would you say that maybe it was more suitable for this man to be alone?
You'll notice, if you take a thorough and honest look through this thread again, that the only person making connections between physical appearance and suitability is you. Why is this so?

[Trance]

I think I need to seriously consider taking anti-depressant/anxiety medication.

[HisLeast]

I think I need to seriously consider taking anti-depressant/anxiety medication.

Well, I hope and pray you have a very responsible and conservative medical professional helping you make that decision.

Otherwise I think you just need to stop obsessing about it. Put your hands toward a myriad of other activities. Channel that energy into a hobby or a sport or a pursuit. Its pursuits, and our ability to master them that give us confidence. And confidence, my friend, is the magic bullet.

[Xel'Naga]

You also need to stop with this conception that God is against you -- He isn't!

[Trance]

I do have hobbies and interests and am usually very into them, but this past month it's very unusual for me to be so focused on this area of my life. I just moved out on my own, so I have my bachelor's degree, a full-time career, my apartment, and my singlehood. I'm inclined to think about this topic more than ever, and it's very hard not to, especially when a lot of my friends are dating now and getting into relationships. I have a good handle on a lot of the parts of my life, but the biggest struggle I've had was in this area.

Going back a few posts where I talked about the two different guys trying to get the girl, what if the quiet guy decides to change himself to become more attractive? He would read books, watch seminars, etc. about how to create attraction, build rapport, and become more witty. He would start working out as well and develop a reasonably good physique. Would God help him do that, or would God show this guy that no matter how hard he tried, he isn't going to get what he wants because it's not in "God's plan?" What if God wants this guy to be the way he always was before: not very funny, witty, and charismatic, and that this guy would be better off with somebody to match him like this? And say that this guy does stop trying so hard, he meets a girl that's suitable for him; he's not really attracted to her, but he tries so hard to be attracted to her for her personality, etc.

If God is an all-powerful God who can do anything, why can't this guy be with somebody who he's both physically and mentally attracted to, his ideal type? Can't God help this guy transform himself into the ideal man for this ideal girl too?

[HisLeast]

Going back a few posts where I talked about the two different guys trying to get the girl, what if the quiet guy decides to change himself to become more attractive? He would read books, watch seminars, etc. about how to create attraction, build rapport, and become more witty. He would start working out as well and develop a reasonably good physique. Would God help him do that, or would God show this guy that no matter how hard he tried, he isn't going to get what he wants because it's not in "God's plan?" What if God wants this guy to be the way he always was before: not very funny, witty, and charismatic, and that this guy would be better off with somebody to match him like this? And say that this guy does stop trying so hard, he meets a girl that's suitable for him; he's not really attracted to her, but he tries so hard to be attracted to her for her personality, etc.

If God is an all-powerful God who can do anything, why can't this guy be with somebody who he's both physically and mentally attracted to, his ideal type? Can't God help this guy transform himself into the ideal man for this ideal girl too?

It sounds like you're suggesting this arguement
- An all powerful God could arrange the relationship I want in the time I want
- God does not arrange the relationship I want in the time I want
- Therefore God is not all powerful.

My question is: why is God's power contingent on you getting the relationship you want in the timing you want?

From your first paragraph, you also seem to think there are two options only: that God will help you get a better body and more skill at interaction OR he'll actively work against you. I try not to look at God this way, as it turns him into a GreatCosmicVendingMachine, or worse TheMagic8Ball... whereby I engage life thinking God is either for me or against me, or magically altering my circumstances. The key mistake here is that its ME focused and not God focused. The alternative is to consider how God wants you to live. Rather than wondering what God could/should/isn't doing for me, I should worry about what I could/should be doing for His glory.

[Xel'Naga]

I do have hobbies and interests and am usually very into them, but this past month it's very unusual for me to be so focused on this area of my life. I just moved out on my own, so I have my bachelor's degree, a full-time career, my apartment, and my singlehood. I'm inclined to think about this topic more than ever, and it's very hard not to, especially when a lot of my friends are dating now and getting into relationships. I have a good handle on a lot of the parts of my life, but the biggest struggle I've had was in this area.

Going back a few posts where I talked about the two different guys trying to get the girl, what if the quiet guy decides to change himself to become more attractive? He would read books, watch seminars, etc. about how to create attraction, build rapport, and become more witty. He would start working out as well and develop a reasonably good physique. Would God help him do that, or would God show this guy that no matter how hard he tried, he isn't going to get what he wants because it's not in "God's plan?" What if God wants this guy to be the way he always was before: not very funny, witty, and charismatic, and that this guy would be better off with somebody to match him like this? And say that this guy does stop trying so hard, he meets a girl that's suitable for him; he's not really attracted to her, but he tries so hard to be attracted to her for her personality, etc.

If God is an all-powerful God who can do anything, why can't this guy be with somebody who he's both physically and mentally attracted to, his ideal type? Can't God help this guy transform himself into the ideal man for this ideal girl too?

I think God would rather this person say 'Not my will but Yours be done'. You're living for yourself and having 'been there, don't that' your ideals aren't ideals.

[Trance]

That's it guys, I accept it. Like a brave soldier accepts his fate in battle, I take it in stride. I've spent so much time thinking about this whole thing, and I feel like I just had an epiphany: I accept the circumstances. I accept everything from God. I accept that I am not certain of my future, that God is in control. And most importantly, I accept that I may be alone for the rest of my life because I never met my ideal type, and I also accept the contrary where I maybe will meet my ideal type.

One thing I'm absolutely not going to accept: people telling me how to live my life by settling. It's clear as day, very black and white for me:

I'm going to glorify God no matter what happens, that I will make sure he is the center of my life. I completely accept the fact that I may have to be alone and never have sex like the rest of Christian guys get to have, or maybe I will get the chance. I feel like I've been freed from something now that I've embraced acceptance. I am not afraid of this. I'm going to leave for work right now feeling very different than how I've felt for a very long time.

[Xel'Naga]

That's it guys, I accept it. Like a brave soldier accepts his fate in battle, I take it in stride. I've spent so much time thinking about this whole thing, and I feel like I just had an epiphany: I accept the circumstances. I accept everything from God. I accept that I am not certain of my future, that God is in control. And most importantly, I accept that I may be alone for the rest of my life because I never met my ideal type, and I also accept the contrary where I maybe will meet my ideal type.

One thing I'm absolutely not going to accept: people telling me how to live my life by settling. It's clear as day, very black and white for me:

I'm going to glorify God no matter what happens, that I will make sure he is the center of my life. I completely accept the fact that I may have to be alone and never have sex like the rest of Christian guys get to have, or maybe I will get the chance. I feel like I've been freed from something now that I've embraced acceptance. I am not afraid of this. I'm going to leave for work right now feeling very different than how I've felt for a very long time.

Now if we're being truly honest, no, you don't accept it. You have to be happy with who you are, until then...

[Trance]

I think God would rather this person say 'Not my will but Yours be done'. You're living for yourself and having 'been there, don't that' your ideals aren't ideals.

So if I should marry somebody according to what God thinks is suitable for me, how am I supposed to find out? How am I supposed to know who is suitable for me? By other people's opinions? I'm the one who has to spend the rest of my life with her, not other people. So do you think God thinks it's best for me to be married and have sex with somebody who I'm not really physically attracted to than to be with somebody who I really am physically attracted to?

So say I do change myself to become funnier, better-looking etc. and I start dating a girl who is my ideal type to whom I'm attracted. Everything is going well, but all of the sudden out of the blue I tell her that she's not suitable for me because I'm really not this way and that God intends me to be the way I originally was, shy not funny etc. and that God probably doesn't want me to be somebody special like this, because maybe she's not this ideal type that God intends for me. How does that sound?

[Xel'Naga]

So if I should marry somebody according to what God thinks is suitable for me, how am I supposed to find out? How am I supposed to know who is suitable for me? By other people's opinions? I'm the one who has to spend the rest of my life with her, not other people. So do you think God thinks it's best for me to be married and have sex with somebody who I'm not really physically attracted to than to be with somebody who I really am physically attracted to?

Why do you think you aren't going to be attracted to the person God leads you to (that would be a little silly to think, wouldn't it?). Follow God, that's how you find out (not by asking other people; though their guidance is some times helpful).


So say I do change myself to become funnier, better-looking etc. and I start dating a girl who is my ideal type to whom I'm attracted. Everything is going well, but all of the sudden out of the blue I tell her that she's not suitable for me because I'm really not this way and that God intends me to be the way I originally was, shy not funny etc. and that God probably doesn't want me to be somebody special like this, because maybe she's not this ideal type that God intends for me. How does that sound?

No, you don't change yourself -- you follow God. If something needs to be changed, He'll be the one to slowly see that change happen. If you're following Him, all you need to do is follow.

[HisLeast]

So if I should marry somebody according to what God thinks is suitable for me, how am I supposed to find out? How am I supposed to know who is suitable for me? By other people's opinions? I'm the one who has to spend the rest of my life with her, not other people. So do you think God thinks it's best for me to be married and have sex with somebody who I'm not really physically attracted to than to be with somebody who I really am physically attracted to?

Welcome to humanity my friend. Its good to have you here. :D
In all seriousness bro, you're demanding answers for questions none of us know ahead of time. That's fine... we've all been there. What I think you need to seriously let go of is the paranoia. You assume
1) That God wants you with someone who isn't "your ideal"
2) That you have to change in order to find someone who is "your ideal"
3) That because none of this is happening RIGHT NOW, that something is wrong.

Trust me bro, this stuff doesn't come overnight, and nobody's got an instruction book, and certainly nobody can see the future. The best any of us can do is put our best foot forward, and that means being men of integrity and confidence (and not faking it!).

So say I do change myself to become funnier, better-looking etc. and I start dating a girl who is my ideal type to whom I'm attracted. Everything is going well, but all of the sudden out of the blue I tell her that she's not suitable for me because I'm really not this way and that God intends me to be the way I originally was, shy not funny etc. and that God probably doesn't want me to be somebody special like this, because maybe she's not this ideal type that God intends for me. How does that sound?
Read this part of your post very carefully, and compare it to the 3 points I mentioned above. Is there a disparity between what you're assuming and what you know to be true?

[jbcricket]

There's nothin wrong with being attracted to a certain type of woman. After all, God made us individuals did He not. It sounds to me like your totally consumed with the idea of finding yourself a woman. I went thru that myself, dated alot and had many failures, well they all were. Finally i came to the realization that if i'm truly saved, if i truly belong to Christ then i needed to give everything to Him. Including whether or not i ever find a woman to share my life with. When i looked back on all my experiences i realized that none of those women would have been good for me to marry. I prayed and asked the Lord to let His will be done in my life. If He had something else He wanted me to do that didnt include marriage then so be it. I asked Him to give me piece with whatever He decided and i truly put my faith in Him knowing that if there is someone out there for me, He knows it and He will make it happen on His time and according to His will. Well He answered my prayer in that He took away the all consuming thoughts of women and gave me piece with giving in to His will. I tell ya, it was like a huge weight off my shoulders. This all happened fairly recently and you know what,.. about a month ago i met a christian girl and we have been hanging out and talking about the Lord and getting to know each other, its been alot of fun and we are both serious about our walk with the Lord and not letting anything get in the way of that. Only time will tell whether it be Gods will that we end up together or not but so far it has the most potential for being a meaningful relationship out of any i've had.

So my advice to you is to throw it upon the Lord, He has big shoulders :) Put your faith in Him that no matter what happens in your life, as long as its His will, its for the best. Seek a strong relationship with Him and let Him bring you everything else. Just as the good Word says: keep on seeking first the kingdom and all these other things will be added to you.

[JK18]

So basically if this guy is attracted to beautiful Christian women who are out of his league and "reserved" for different guys, and trying to get their attention, that's wrong? So then it's right for this quiet guy to forget thinking about these women and be with somebody that he doesn't have much desire for? What if this quiet guy decides to change himself by learning how to be more funny and attractive, so that he does finally get what he really wants? Will God help him in that, or is this man just fighting an uphill battle?

Nobody knows how deeply it hurts me to think I can never have somebody that I find attractive but then God or church thinks that they're not "suitable" for me. What hurts even more is that God wants me to suppress those desires for these women and try to just see if some desire can come out for a more "suitable" woman for me.

Recently I just read this story, which is true by the way:

There was this guy who got into an accident on the road and got caught in a fire. His whole body and face got burned, and was barely recognizable after recovery. THEN a while later he got into a plane crash and was paralyzed from the waist down. Somehow he was able to attract a gorgeous doctor at the hospital, who is now his wife. How do you explain that? Be honest, would you all think that she was suitable for him? Or maybe would you say that maybe it was more suitable for this man to be alone?
I know how you feel because I used to be just like you, and still am to point, and I mean no disrespect by what I just said.
But I used to think I would never find anyone. I used to ask these really cute girls in church and they wouldn't give me the time of day. I felt like I was the guy being told "Your a really nice guy and someone is going to be real lucky to get you."
I finaly did find someone and she is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen.
Sorry I made this so long, but my point is God does have someone out there for you, and when you find her you will think she is the most beautiful girl in the world. But the question is are you willing to let God lead you to that person?

[andrew_no_one]

In my experience, it is always better to wait on the Lord and not take matters into my own hands. When left on my own, my plans almost always end in disaster. The best thing to do is to grow in the Lord and trust that he will find you a mate when he sees fit, and she will be far better than anyone that you or I could select on our own.

[Trance]

Thank you all for your encouragement and help. I definitely have a better insight into this now, and I feel like I grew some more in my faith with asking all these questions of mine. When I'm in a social situation especially around women, I feel so much more confident when I let go of these mental burdens of mine and trust God more, instead of trying to do everything myself. I was doing that this week, just being my best self who trusts God instead of relying on these "techniques" that so many dating gurus talk about. All the answers are in the Bible, and they are so simple that I can't believe that I just let these truths fly over my head.

[JK18]

I'm glad to hear your doing better. Just trust God everything will work out.

[Trance]

Hey whats up guys I'm back. This thread has been very, very helpful for me and really helped me keep my faith strong. The encouraging words and stories helped me a lot. I hope we keep this educating conversation going.

I am curious though, I know some people say God will "lead" you to somebody good for you to marry. How are you supposed to know God is leading you to her or if you're just leading yourself? How are you supposed to know this?

It's not like God's going to have this majestic premonition about somebody or somehow showering my conscience with this certainty that she's the one. I thought I felt that about woman I've dated before, but it didn't work out well with them. Does anybody feel me on this one?

[Trance]

I keep hearing people saying that God will "lead you" to somebody to marry. So then how would God lead me to Mrs. Right? How am I supposed to know that if I met some Christian girl that she's the one I'm supposed to marry?

Say that I already met a nice Christian girl at church. We have good conversations and have a lot in common; we hang out sometimes with other friends and I eventually knew her well, and all my friends and family suggest I should marry her. But I don't feel any spark or physical attraction or desire to marry her no matter how much I get to know her. What does God think of this? Is he leading me to it anyway?

[tango]

I keep hearing people saying that God will "lead you" to somebody to marry. So then how would God lead me to Mrs. Right? How am I supposed to know that if I met some Christian girl that she's the one I'm supposed to marry?

Say that I already met a nice Christian girl at church. We have good conversations and have a lot in common; we hang out sometimes with other friends and I eventually knew her well, and all my friends and family suggest I should marry her. But I don't feel any spark or physical attraction or desire to marry her no matter how much I get to know her. What does God think of this? Is he leading me to it anyway?

Chances are God isn't going to put a bullseye target on "The One" that only you can see, and to be honest I'm not entirely sure that thinking there is "The One" out there is entirely helpful. We can work within God's will for our lives or we can work within our own will for our lives, and every decision we make gives us opportunities to honour God or do our own thing. Thinking there is one and only one person out there somewhere who is "The One" for us can lead to a lot of confusion and concern that, no matter how great a relationship we are forming with someone, that there is someone else out there who is even better for us.

There's a lot more to the "spark" than purely physical attraction. I know people who are physically beautiful but have the personality of a sabre-toothed tiger. I also know people who aren't much to look at in the conventional sense of the word but who radiate a beauty from within - I can see God's love just by looking at them.

If you meet your nice Christian girl, you get to know her, she gets to know you, and you draw closer to each other as your relationship develops. She might be stunningly beautiful, she might not be. Over time it matters less and less - even if she's Miss World material now, sooner or later she'll be grey and wrinkly anyway. If all you had was physical attraction what happens when either or both of you are old, what happens if one of you is disfigured somehow?

If you get to a point with someone that you can seriously see yourself spending the rest of your life with her, and she can seriously see herself spending the rest of her life with you, that's a pretty good sign to start with. (It can also be good to flip the situation around and ask if you can see yourself not spending the rest of your life with her). Look at the things about her that annoy you - if your love for her is enough that you can live with them because you'd rather be with her and put up with them than not be with her, that's a good sign. If there's nothing about her that annoys you, you don't know her well enough yet.

As and when you get to that point, pray about it, pray together about it. When God gives a sign it could be anything - there's really little point in us discussing what the sign might be because it will depend on your circumstances at the time - but you'll know when it happens.

That's where faith comes in - a large part of trusting God is about taking the journey one step at a time, trusting that God will make the next step clear when the time is right. It's totally alien to our Western approach of planning everything before we take the first step, but if you read the stories of well known people in the Old Testament you see two things. Firstly God showed them one part at a time, and secondly there was no Plan B.

[HisLeast]

I keep hearing people saying that God will "lead you" to somebody to marry. So then how would God lead me to Mrs. Right? How am I supposed to know that if I met some Christian girl that she's the one I'm supposed to marry?

Say that I already met a nice Christian girl at church. We have good conversations and have a lot in common; we hang out sometimes with other friends and I eventually knew her well, and all my friends and family suggest I should marry her. But I don't feel any spark or physical attraction or desire to marry her no matter how much I get to know her. What does God think of this? Is he leading me to it anyway?

Life is not a gameshow by which God hides clues and we work like rats in a maze looking for the prize. God has given us tremendous freedom to live and chose within the bounds of His word. Who does God want you to marry? He wants you to marry one you will cleave to (Genesis 2:24). He wants you to marry someone who is not an adulterer. He wants you to marry someone you are not fornicating with (Ephesians 5:3) . He wants you to marry another believer (2 Corinthians 6:14). Who specifically is up to you.

What does God think about your parents / friends suggesting someone you're not interested in? Who knows. His word is clear on the conditions for marriage though, and that's the part that matters.

Lastly, consider that you might be "putting the cart before the horse". Many of us want to know the who/what/when/why/how before hand, but precious few of us are afforded that luxury. Instead, wait until you've found someone that you really ARE interested in marrying, then start asking if its a lawfull and blessed match.

Make sense?

[Xel'Naga]

But I don't feel any spark or physical attraction or desire to marry her no matter how much I get to know her. What does God think of this? Is he leading me to it anyway?

Then don't marry her. Again though, this whole obsession with physical attraction.

[JohnnieGuy]

Do you honestly think God wants you to marry someone you are not physically attracted to?

He gave us senses and sexual desire for a reason you know. For Him to say, "naw just forget all the senses and sexual desire I gave you, that's NOT for marriage all those natural feelings are actually evil things, marry someone you think is not attractive at all" seems ridiculous, doesn't it?

Just be patient and trust that God will provide for you (and you for your wife :idea:).

Of course, and I'm sure you already know this, we should be wary of going into a relationship based purely on physical attractiveness. I think that's another reason why we are to wait until marriage to have sex. We can get caught up in our sexual desire and marry based on that and then find out we can't stand the person we are with. If we are courting before marriage and it doesn't work out or it just doesn't seem to work out then we can move on. If everything seems to be working out, you are both attracted and love each other, and all the green lights are on and you are being prayerful about it then you can be sure it is God's will, imo. He will close the doors He doesn't want you to walk through if you ask Him to and TRUST HIM.

[serapheva]

It sounds like you think anyone that isn't the girl that you wanted, you're going to think they're unattractive and unsuitable for you? The way I've always thought about it, is that God knows us better than anyone, better than we know ourselves... and if He has someone in store for us, that's the best possible mate we could ever have. He knows our strengths and weaknesses and knows what we need out of a partner. And I don't get why you're so hung up over looks? I dated this guy before, that I wasn't physically attracted to at all when I first saw him, honestly. But after getting to know him I didn't care about that and it changed the way I looked at him.

And where you were talking about that girl, I kinda have something similiar. There's this guy I grew up in church with, we both liked each other when we were younger... well I thought God was telling me he was the one. And this was after years of not talking to him, so I got it in my head that he was... so I got in contact with him, he said he'd thought about me a lot and he'd love to start talking to me again. I started going back to that church (I'd been going to another) and he talked to me a lot but nothing ever happened, he didn't seem interested in being anything other than friends. So I dated other guys, I came really close to marrying this one guy, who wasn't serious about God at all... and I kept having doubts about him and I kept thinking about the other guy. Well the guy from church doesn't even talk to me anymore, and I don't know what was up with me thinking he was the one for so long, I still kinda have that in my head, maybe he is, maybe he isn't, who knows what will happen... but I sorta think maybe God had me to keep thinking about him to see what I could have, that I could have someone who really loved God just to stop me from marrying the other guy.

I get down on myself sometimes, too, like you do. All of my friends are married and it makes me wonder why I haven't found the right one yet... maybe I'm just not in the right place in my life or I'm not ready for that kind of commitment, maybe the person God has for us isn't ready, I don't know how it works. Sometimes I think maybe I'm not supposed to get married and He doesn't have anyone for me... but I think we just have to be patient, we don't know the circumstances. If it's something you really want and the bible tells us He'll give us the desires of our hearts we have to believe that... maybe the girl God has for you isn't ready. She could be doing anything right now, she could be in a wrong relationship, who knows. I have a problem with being patient sometimes, but you really just need to put your faith in God, trust that He knows what He's doing...

But don't ever settle... you deserve better than that, you deserve to be happy. Even if the person you would be settling with is really in love with you and they don't think they'd be settling, it's unfair to them. If you're not with who you want to be with in the beginning don't go through with it... that shows you it's not the right person and more problems will come later on

[Trance]

I want to revive this thread. It's been really cool to read these because I've been so encouraged from this. I'm so curious for the truth. I want to dismantle any false beliefs I have with my faith, because I want to separate God's pure word from faulty teachings from modern Christianity. Okay, here is a short story of two people. They are both fictional people, and are not based on me at all.

The first guy grows up in a Christian family, but doesn't have any interests that he's passionate about. He plays golf on weekends but only because his buddies do. He's Mr. Average; always got average grades, average looks, average income, car. He gets some job in an office where he sits in front of the computer all day but feels neutral towards it. He has very little emotion. He goes to church on Sunday and is considered the "nice guy" at work who doesn't really talk a lot but he's also kind of boring. He marries "Mrs. Average", a nice girl that his friends and family kind of recommend for him, and he's like, "okay, she seems nice, I'll be with her." He's "sort of" happy with it; he's coasting through life, very apathetic.

Here's the next guy. He grows up in a Christian family too, but much poorer than the first guy. Get's beat (figuaratively) his whole life. Not smart at all, unathletic, not good-looking at all, weak, gullible. People around him tell him he's not going to amount to anything. Girls everywhere call him all sorts of things. Some Christians tell him that maybe God wants to just use him where he is, working a boring low-wage job for the rest of his life and not be with a girl that he really wants to be with. At about the age of 22 this guy decides enough is enough. He starts reading books about how to socialize better, how to make more friends, how to stop acting weird (twitching, fidgeting, lack of eye contact with people, etc.). Along the way however, his family tells him he's going against God's will, that this guy should just be himself. They told him that he should stop dreaming, that this isn't God's plan for him. He starts working out too. This guy reaches out, passionately going after dreams. He loves life and lives it to the fullest, absorbing all the knowledge he could muster about improving himself. By the way, this whole time, he's still a Christ follower. He prays and asks God to help him with becoming more sociable, funnier, being a more fun guy to be around. He asks God to help him with his music hobby to make it successful. At about the age of 30 he achieves it. He meets a very great Christian girl who's very attractive, he gets a very great jobs he loves as a Christian musician. He's a great influence at Church, a great speaker and consultant, because he taught himself how to develop charisma. He's serving many people. But his family says that he's following idols, that he shouldn't pursue all these things because they are idols, and that he should spend most of his time in his room reading the Bible and avoiding the world.

Anybody who reads this, what do you think? Be honest, because I still don't understand a lot about being a Christian. Was Thomas Edison following idols when he took literally 1,000 tries to find the right material for the light bulb? I know that you shouldn't put things in front of God, but it's not like we're going to spend all our lives in our rooms reading the Bible or keeping God in a box. But what about pursuing our dreams? Obviously we're not supposed to put anything before God, but then what about making use of what we have on Earth to use for God's glory?

[Electrified_Ricky]

I know everything you are dealing with trance. About wanting to change the way you act torward girls about being confident. I am generally pretty shy. Ive wanted the same thing. Ive gotten a hold of books on confidence and tried hypnosis tapes and whatever. Nothing seems to work for me at all. Kinda like its genetically programmed into my soul.
I havent ever had a girlfriend and I am 25. I also have nothing against me except being shy and lacking the confidence of being able to go up to a girl I dont know and talk to her. Im good looking with a great job (Electrical Technician) and drive a 350z.
Ive found those things dont really mean much to girls. So just imagine how I feel. Its hard, I have been having a difficult time lately with it. All I really want is to meet a christian girl I can connect with. Its what Ive wanted for the past 4 years. I wish I could hear gods voice about it, but I hear nothing despite the fact that I have prayed for a long time.
My church has a bunch of younger hs girls. There are really no one for me there, and its the only church I know. I dont have any christian friends, so it kinda seems like Im in a black hole.

What is god tryn to make me learn from all of this? I dont know. Ill probably never know why he created me to be shy and not have any relationships up until this point. I used to get mad at god because I was lonley because of the way he created me, being shy and lacking confidence. But gods plan for your life is so much bigger than just your wants. Its hard to see that. Even now its still hard for me. Especially when your living in gods plan and he still doesnt show you any light on the subject.

Also I have asked myself the question of how do I know if god is leading me to talk to this girl, or if its just me wanting to do it. I have came to the conclusion that god will give you the confidence to be able to talk to a certain girl (atleast for me) if its in his will.

This part of life is very frustrating for a lot of younger people especially when we all see our friends and siblings getting married. I feel like life has passed me behind. But just know what proverbs 3:5 says "Do not depend on your feelings but trust god with all your heart". Also theres a verse in song of songs somewhere which says "do not awaken love until the time is right". Those 2 verses has helped me out a lot.

like serpaheva stated, "maybe the girl God has for you isn't ready". That is a very good statement. Spouses are never ready to find eachother at the same time. It all comes down to faith and being able to trust in what you can't see and feel. All I want is to get married to someone who I click with and will help me with my spiritual walk and me help with hers. Someone who will be a witness to my life. Just know that god does have someone out there for you, just like he does me, and that you will meet her in his time not yours.

I hope it helps knowing your not the only one, Im right there with u. Bro if you ever need to talk or whatever, it seems like we are on the same line (email removed by moderator)

[BROKEN HEART]

Hi Trance,
I read this whole post...wow...alot going on inside you. You sound very bitter and angry. Just realize this could be the reason why God has not crossed your paths with "The One". Your not ready. It will be on God's time not yours. He is waiting for you to clean up the anger and bitterness.

Do not look at other Christians as the enemy. I noticed near the beginning of this thread I seen you direct anger towards others...we are here to help...God sent us to read your thread and respond. You say you are struggling with trust and faith with God. God is waiting for you to call out to him to heal those issues. Again if you cant trust and have faith in his plan for you...your prayers will not be answered.

A relationship can not help you with issues and you could very well hurt your partner-push them away-and your back where you started.

Don't blame God for leading you in the wrong direction-you know who does that to you-it's NOT God. God will provide for you-he has a plan for you. You are posting alot of stories fictional or not...do not read these stories anymore...they are holding your heart hostage. The only stories you should read are in the bible proof of God's plans for us. When you respond about these stories I see one thing play over and over...you never feel good enough. You have to start feeling like you matter in this world. God loves you dearly he created you to be here. You will feel that love slowly as you start to heal. Trust in the Lord-give all your negative throughts to the Lord. His plan for you is not the same as anyone else's plan (the stories you are reading) your life will not play out like anyone else's. Stop comparing your life and feelings to others. When you do that you are allowing the enemy to keep his grip on you-on your heart.

Marriage has very little to do with your first attraction to the person. Marriage is one of the most difficult but most rewarding things in life to be in. God created marriage-humans did not create it. When Eve was made for Adam...she was a blessing to Adam...he didnt get to pick her from a pool of people. Adam didnt say...ewww she has a big behind and brown hair...I wanted someone with Blonde hair and a smaller behind. That should tell you that physical attraction plays a very small part in who God brings to you. We have been culturalize to think attraction is one of the MOST important parts to meeting someone. When you change to become the Godly man the Lord expects from you...you allow God to do heart surgery-stop getting up from the examination table and telling the doctor how or when to do his job! :)

God has someone waiting for you....fix up your insides....be lead only by God and not the enemy. God is in control! Anger and bitterness towards anything helps you turn away from him.

I have some names of resources that I can pass onto you-which could help in building you to be the Godly man. It has to be taken seriously. And you dont turn to resources to "get something or someone" you turn to it because you see the need in your soul to change yourself.

Take this time alone as God's sign to you-you need to focus on YOU..not being with anyone at all right now. Your not ready to be in a relationship. Work on your relationship with God.

You might not want to hear this or believe this-but these are the easiest days of your life. Marriage and a relationship will challenge your soul much more then what you are going through right now...The road becomes much more complicated as God puts the sole responsibility on YOU as a male in your relationship ahead of you. Its a whole other world! You become the shield (ONLY SHIELD) to protect your family from the enemy. And believe me....as a family your constantly being attacked everyday. Knowing that - do you feel strong enough to stand on the front lines in the middle of a war?

Just to give you quick insite as to who I am. I am a female who has been living on my own since I was 16 years old...I am 35 now...I made tons of mistakes along the way...simply because of lonliness and depression and anger. At 35 I am dealing with a partner who has a TON of anger inside of him... I have an 11 year old child who is being effected by this as well. One year ago I turned to God....its has changed my life around completely. I see the past mistakes-I dont let them hold me hostage. But my partner is being held hostage by the enemy as he holds on to his anger which has been brewing inside of him since he was very small.
Its been generations of men who have passed down these sinful ways of living. He wants you to cut those sinful ties...and be the man he created within you. You can do it! All men can! He promises you a partner (helper) in life that will provide for your needs.

Remeber his time...not yours! :)