Confused

[kristen054]

Here is what I posted in the "introduction" forum... I guess it would serve me better to post it here! Thanks!

Hi! I'm Kristen and I signed up for bible forums because i'm really struggling in my faith right now. I should probably post my concerns under a marriage board but they aren't entirely related to that. My husband and I are having some real difficulties right now - not infidelity or abuse or ANYTHING like that. But it's as if we've lost all respect, all compassion, all the love for each other and I'm very afraid we won't get it back - afraid we can't get it back. Actually, we've not lost ALL - because we both are concerned so there must still be SOME desire in both of us. But we can't seem to give each other the benefit of the doubt, we can't seem to give each other grace or get past hurts.

I know all things are possible through Christ my savior but my faith is really wavering right now due to my life feeling so "out of control" and yet, my life probably feels out of control because my faith is wavering - it's a catch 22 and I'm not sure how to stop it. My head says "bury yourself in the bible, talk to God even if you are scared he's not listening, ask my husband to pray with me even if at first it feels so forced"... etc.

Please point me to the right board to help me with these things. I have a tendency to only focus on one thing at a time... and so I go back and forth, back and forth between "must work on marriage" to "must work on faith" - I'm sure they can both be done at the same time - it's just hard for me to comprehend.

Any guidance, wisdom or encouragement is greatly appreciated!
In him,
Kristen

[Sojourner]

The marriage triangle is when a pastor tells the bride and groom
that they are starting their lives at opposite points on a triangle.
And as they draw closer to the top of the triangle, which is
represented by God, they will in turn draw closer to each other.

http://revdonc.files.wordpress.com/2008/02/sc00605e30.jpg

[Reynolds357]

Kristen, marriage is tough sometimes. A lot tougher than it should be I think. My marriage is not perfect by any means. I still love my wife as much as I ever did, but it seems that as time goes on my patience with her is not as long as it used to be. I think it is kind of like we all have the dissolusion that after we are married a few years we will become just alike and everything will be wonderful. In actuality, I believe that after we have been married a few year the reality hits us that all the aggravating things my spouse does are never going to change. We stay married because we made a lifelong commitment. There are times that we wonder if we made the right choice, but then there are the other times that we know we did make the right choice. Selfishness is the root of most marital problems. In my marriage, 99.9% of things we fuss about boils down to selfishness on either my or my wifes part. In actuality, I am probably wrong 50% of the time and she is probably wrong 50% of the time. In my own mind, (selfish mind) I am right 99% of the time and she is right about 1% of the time.

[livingwaters]

Hey, if you and hubby are serious about fixing this, there may be some marriage counseling available at your church. If not, ask your pastor to recommend someone, if he and his wife won't take on the job. Sometimes we have to get an outsider to point out what we can't see...it may be simple or may not be! But do what you both have to do to make it better!

God Bless:hug:

[faithfullyseeking]

Kristen,
Give the love dare a try. If you don't know what that is you can find this book/instruction manual for hurting marriages at walmart or most any bookstore. You will find it not only helps you grow in the lord but will prove God's word true because the word says "love never fails" and this method of restoring lost love into a relationship works. I promise if you use this book for 40 days faithfully you will see changes that will a life long impact on you and your hubby. I will be praying for your marriage.

[Xel'Naga]

Hi! I'm Kristen and I signed up for bible forums because i'm really struggling in my faith right now. I should probably post my concerns under a marriage board but they aren't entirely related to that. My husband and I are having some real difficulties right now - not infidelity or abuse or ANYTHING like that. But it's as if we've lost all respect, all compassion, all the love for each other and I'm very afraid we won't get it back - afraid we can't get it back.

Actually, we've not lost ALL - because we both are concerned so there must still be SOME desire in both of us. But we can't seem to give each other the benefit of the doubt, we can't seem to give each other grace or get past hurts.

So then, what's changed? It's something outside of 'my wavering faith is impacting my marriage' or the opposite, 'my less than fulfilling marriage is impacting my wavering faith'. There's something external to these two issues that is the (root) cause. Any idea what it is?

[kristen054]

Sojourner - they talked about that triangle analogy in our premarital classes and I really loved it then - and now! I guess based on that, I really need to focus on my relationship with the Lord and pray for my husband, pray for our marriage but just keep trying to draw closer to God and work through those barriers. Then just pray as I draw closer to Him, he's pulling my husband toward Him too!? I know it sounds like I'm complicating things, but from my perspective it just doesn't feel cut and dry!

livingwaters - we are doing marital counseling (again, we don't have the large issues like infidelity or abuse - nothing like that) but our habits, the way we deal with things, resentments, pain and what I consider "loss of admiration for each other" - span the life our relationship and every week I leave therapy feeling hopeless. Like "how will we ever get past this stuff!?"

faithfullyseeking - I do have the love dare book at home and we have the Fireproof movie (that we saw together the weekend before we got married and loved it). The thing is, I know we have all the tools and we "know" the things we need to know (meaning we both understand things HAVE to change or we'll continue on like we are) - but (and I'll just speak for myself because my husband doesn't feel this way) I feel so far gone, past the point of being able to fix things. My husband just doesn't seem to understand what he's doing and needs to fix.

For instance, and I KNOW this is a very common issue - our sex life is nil right now. I feel like my husband isn't connecting to me these days, he's not trusting me with himself, not being transparent/vulnerable with me(these things have been identified in therapy). He thinks he is but that's because he IS being as much as he can right now with his walls up... but with those walls up - we can't REALLY get close. He has to break down his walls so we can TRULY connect

My part of it, is making sure he feels safe to be that vulnerable and close to me. I can't criticize or get mad at things that normally would set my red flags off. And EVERYTHING that we are dealing with are "individual issue" things - meaning I'm not getting mad at what HE is saying - what he is saying triggers something inside of me and physiologically my body responds. It happens so naturally that I don't realize it and until *I* can get that under control we can't move past it. My husband has his own "triggers" that make him put up his walls, etc.

Anyway, because I do not feel close to my husband and feel he keeps himself from me emotionally - I can't seem to be close to him physically. And I KNOW as a wife I am to meet that physical need for him, I want to! But I do NOT have the desire right now and I fear giving myself to him and crying as it happens because I feel so far from him emotionally. Does that make sense? I'm not sitting here wanting to be with him physically but not doing it to punish him... I feel like I can't do it or it will just hurt us more because emotionally I'll feel taken advantage of and hurt.

THIS IS JUST ONE EXAMPLE.

Sorry, I started out addressing each who had replied but the post took a life of it's own. Maybe it will help you all further understand me!?

Thanks!

[Papa Polar Bear]

Anyway, because I do not feel close to my husband and feel he keeps himself from me emotionally - I can't seem to be close to him physically. And I KNOW as a wife I am to meet that physical need for him, I want to! But I do NOT have the desire right now and I fear giving myself to him and crying as it happens because I feel so far from him emotionally. Does that make sense? I'm not sitting here wanting to be with him physically but not doing it to punish him... I feel like I can't do it or it will just hurt us more because emotionally I'll feel taken advantage of and hurt.

I may sound like a broken record to some, but I can sense the hurt and confusion in your posts. I have been where you are, and it is just a lack of understanding of what each of you want. There is a communcation factor that seems to be lacking, and it is hard to repair something, when you just don't know what it is.

I agree with many as to seek spiritual and professional help, but I also have another suggestion. I have recommended this book several times because it opened my eyes to what I was feeling, and confirmed with my wife what I was saying all these years. It also helped me to understand her and her needs so much more, and because of the understanding, the communcation started, and off to the races we went. :kiss:

"Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs " is a book by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. It made all the difference in my second marriage, and made me realize the mistakes that I made in my first. It was truly a Godsend.:D