Seeking divorce advice

[mammabear]

I am a Christian with 3 grown children. I am a very laid back personality while my husband it type A personality. My husband is totally faithful, a wonderful provider, doesnt drink, smoke, gamble or even have any hobbies that dont include the famiy. While my husband is good probably 90% of the time, he has been verbally abusive for years. When angered (sometimes I dont even know the reason), he uses the foulest language, yells, throws things, calls me horrible names, makes totally baseless accusations, brings up "offenses" by me sometimes 20 years earlier and this is the first time I am hearing about it, he has threatened on one occasion a few months ago to kill me and then himself. These episodes occur every few months, without warning and many times over something apparently quite trivial. I am on the verge of leaving but dealing with horrible guilt about it. I am struggling so badly, and need some advice/support. I dont want to do this but I just need peace as I suffer from headaches, stomach problems and insomnia because of the stress. I cant do this any longer just waiting for the next blowup.

[NotMyOwn]

Well divorce is not always the best option. Have you tried Chrisitan counseling?

[The-Innkeeper]

My dear sister,
I understand your concern and am willing to spend as much time on this as needed to help. I have a few questions.


You said he is 'A' type personality. I tend to disagree there for one reason. If he was then he would be this way 100% of the time not just 10% of the time. So now you need to see what is trigering this. I realize you do not see the reason but now you must be sensitive to see it since the problem is made transparent now.
You said also these 'times' come every few months. This could be a physical imbalance that even he is not aware of. So again you must pay attention through all the chaos to see the reasons or triggers.
Now comes the tricky part. After he 'calms down' and behaves as a loving husband, what does he say about his wrong actions? Does he acknowledge his errors or does he brush them off as just frustration? We all have triggers that causes us to act. I myself tent to be overly passionate and man does that get me in trouble. I do also tend to get very angry for the silliest reasons. I never attack my wife but she knows to just stay out of my way till I calm down and I do calm down. I regret my outbursts and have learned to not do as much. There is a behavioral lessons not physical imbalances.

I am not the solution but we Both know who is - Jesus. Please if you want we can discuss this here. I will check daily and look for your response so we can get the help you need.
Pastor Jeff

[moonglow]

I am a Christian with 3 grown children. I am a very laid back personality while my husband it type A personality. My husband is totally faithful, a wonderful provider, doesnt drink, smoke, gamble or even have any hobbies that dont include the famiy. While my husband is good probably 90% of the time, he has been verbally abusive for years. When angered (sometimes I dont even know the reason), he uses the foulest language, yells, throws things, calls me horrible names, makes totally baseless accusations, brings up "offenses" by me sometimes 20 years earlier and this is the first time I am hearing about it, he has threatened on one occasion a few months ago to kill me and then himself. These episodes occur every few months, without warning and many times over something apparently quite trivial. I am on the verge of leaving but dealing with horrible guilt about it. I am struggling so badly, and need some advice/support. I dont want to do this but I just need peace as I suffer from headaches, stomach problems and insomnia because of the stress. I cant do this any longer just waiting for the next blowup.

When he is in a good mood have you tried to talking to him about these explosions he has and told him how emotionally hurtful they are? Told him he is causing you physical distress too?

Sounds like he tends to bottle things up for long periods of time and lets them fester then finally can't control it anymore and blows up. He is not forgiving past trespasses, if he had forgiven he wouldn't bring them up.

Do you have a pastor you can talk too about this for guidance? I would strongly suggest you take these steps first, if they don't help, try a separation..sometimes that is enough to wake up the other person to realize how hurtful they are being, then they are willing to work on changing..

I am sorry you are going through this. Divorce needs to be the very last option..

Have you guys watched Fireproof? Apparently its helped alot of marriages.

God bless

[mykidsmom]

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this.:hug:I have been there. Has your husband started on a new type of medication recently?Pain meds,heart meds,etc... My husbands personality changed with fits of rage after he broke his back and began taking pain meds.(Praise God he has been completely healed now.) Is your husband stressed? I would of course suggest prayer,I'll be praying for you, and try to go for a walk with the kids until he calms down.It's been my experience that arguing back does not help at all,it feeds the anger. I read every prayer in Stormie OMartin's prayer book for husbands. I journaled my own prayers.God will get you through this.He will deliver you out of this darkness. Prayer works miracles!! You've come to the best place.:hug: Fireproof is a wonderful movie. My husband watched it alone one night when I feel asleep early. He woke me up just to kiss me Goodnight.I would rent it for him.God Bless You.

[Followtheway]

Divorce is not an option, since we cant truly judge the situation because we dont know if this is a 2 way street we wont be able to give the best advice, however 95% of the time it is a 2 way street. I can tell in your case since you are getting head aches and the like that your in need of true repentance (admit it and quit it) too.

I can speak from experience because my wife raises her voice alot when not getting her way, this in turn triggers how I was treated in my childhood and gets me very upset to the point that I will curse her out.

[amazzin]

As a pastor i will say this to you:

1) Seek spiritual counseling both alone and with your husband
2) If the pastor tells you to see a counsellor, do so. He can only go so far
3) Divorce NO, but separate for a period of time so that both of you can evaluate what each other means in your life. Separation has a wonderful way to give both of you the needed kick in butt to come to a consensus
4) Introduce a strong couple in your lives (man with man, women with women) who will keep you accountable and be there as strong influences in your life
5) Divorce is only allowed in scripture under very strict circumstances and even then after forgiveness and reconciliation has been attempted. Your situation does not fit into this.

[Diggindeeper]

Sweetie, you have been given excellent, Biblical advise. I won't add anything.

But know that I AM praying for your home, your marriage and your well-being!

Psalm 127:1
1 Except the LORD build the house, they labour in vain that build it.....

[-SEEKING-]

I won't say flat out divorce. But if you feel that your life is threatened then RUN! Even if it's only a separation.

[mammabear]

He usually blames me for these outbursts. (I didnt get time off at work, I didnt get something done in the garden, I am too fat, I disagreed with him, he thought I was looking at another man, etc etc) He has acknowledged that he was a jerk but he never makes any attempt to ensure that it doesnt happen again. And I know he can control it because not only does he never act this way with someone outside of our immediately family (me and the kids) but he never acts like this if someone is around. Never. Everyone would think he is the most gentle loving person ever. I cant stay away from him to avoid it because there is usually no warning. Example. On a cruise, he planned a nice dinner w/ another couple (we had to pay extra for it but we can easily afford it). We had been having a wonderful time al week. I was getting ready and putting up my hair dryer (takes all of 10 seconds to wind the cord around it and put it up). He told me to wait till later so we could leave. When I commented (politely) that it only took 10 seconds and we had over 2 hrs before dinner, he started throwing things, swearing, screaming at me and refused to go. I am at my wits end. I dont want to divorce him but I just cant endure this anymore.

[mammabear]

I have never ever raised my voice to him. In fact, I am very slow to anger. I am very rarely angry with anyone. I am very laid back calm personality. A people pleaser. That is just my nature. It generally (with most people) makes me very easy to get along with but on the flip side, I dont tend to stand up for myself in some situations. But nothing I do seems to please him. Nothing I do is right. I dont argue back with him when he attacks me like this, as I feel it would be useless to devolve into that. I just take it and I just cant take it anymore. He has threatened in the past to kill my son and to kill me and then himself. If I cant divorce, I suppose I could separate just so I can have some peace and calm. But no he isnt on any medications and has recently had a complete physical and is in perfect health.

[moonglow]

I think it is time for you to stand up for yourself, by separating...tell him you will not tolerant being treated like this anymore and if he ever threatens you or your son again you will call the police.

I am truly sorry you are going through this....whatever the reason is for him acting like this, doesn't excuse the behavior at all. I am sure its heartbreaking for you. I am praying for you also.



God bless

[DaniHansen]

He has threatened in the past to kill my son and to kill me and then himself.

Those are not the words of a healthy person, sorry. Those are the words of an angry and emotionally unstable person.

Has he ever been evaluated for depression? Does he even know why he is angry?

You may need to remove yourself from the picture, because he is using you as an easy out for his anger, instead of evaluating it for what it really is. His anger probably has nothing at all to do with you; you're just a convenient outlet and scapegoat. That's just guesswork on my end though because I don't know the full dynamics of your relationship; only you and your husband and God know those.

I would certainly agree with counseling and professional help and perhaps separation if it comes to that. If you're not strong enough or willing enough to confront him on equal terms, as his wife and mate who he has vowed to love, cherish and protect, then he probably needs to consider outside help. You seem to really love your husband and so I would ask God to help you resolve this in a way that preserves your marriage, but do turn the ultimate decision of that over to the Lord and let Him lead you and your husband into the next chapter of your lives.

[Followtheway]

If that is that case than there is something very spiritually disturbing inside of him, its gonna take alot of work and more communication on your part in order to get through this. These could be past issues that he has never dealt with and is now coming to the surface. It could be something you do that is not bad and are totally unaware of that might trigger this, it might be his job, there are several things. Talk this out with him find out what it is that is making him turn this way so that you guys can deal with it.

[The-Innkeeper]

RUN! God does not expect you to stay in that kind of marriage! The best way to get out is contact a womans shelter and that way he can't hunt you down. Don't walk in guilt sister - walk in freedom!

[mykidsmom]

I think it is time for you to stand up for yourself, by separating...tell him you will not tolerant being treated like this anymore and if he ever threatens you or your son again you will call the police.

I am truly sorry you are going through this....whatever the reason is for him acting like this, doesn't excuse the behavior at all. I am sure its heartbreaking for you. I am praying for you also.



God bless


I totally agree. Your first responsibility is to your son and his safety,you need to leave him. Let God deal with him while you and your son are out of harms way.:hug:

[Diggindeeper]

I have never ever raised my voice to him. In fact, I am very slow to anger. I am very rarely angry with anyone. I am very laid back calm personality. A people pleaser. That is just my nature. It generally (with most people) makes me very easy to get along with but on the flip side, I dont tend to stand up for myself in some situations. But nothing I do seems to please him. Nothing I do is right. I dont argue back with him when he attacks me like this, as I feel it would be useless to devolve into that. I just take it and I just cant take it anymore. He has threatened in the past to kill my son and to kill me and then himself. If I cant divorce, I suppose I could separate just so I can have some peace and calm. But no he isnt on any medications and has recently had a complete physical and is in perfect health.

Okay...you said: He has threatened in the past to kill my son and to kill me and then himself. Listen Darlin', call the police and ask for a number for a shelter where you and your children can go. YOU HAVE BEEN THREATENED. Your husband is a stick of dynamite with a short fuse that's going to explode at any time!. THEY WILL TELL YOU AT THE SHELTER WHAT STEPS TO TAKE in order to get out with your children, and to be safe while doing it!

I think it is time for you to stand up for yourself, by separating...tell him you will not tolerant being treated like this anymore and if he ever threatens you or your son again you will call the police.

I am truly sorry you are going through this....whatever the reason is for him acting like this, doesn't excuse the behavior at all. I am sure its heartbreaking for you. I am praying for you also.



God bless

Moonglow said to tell him: tell him you will not tolerant being treated like this anymore and if he ever threatens you or your son again you will call the police.

I know from experience that it MAY not do any good to simply TELL him you will not tolerate this threatening behavior any longer. In my situation, my husband just became MORE angry every time I said "That's enough! I won't put up with it any more." Probably you will be told to leave a note. Or you may not have to say anything. They will advise you at the number the police gives you.

I say you are walking on egg shells now, and being careful (for the sake of you and your children) not to break any of his egg shells. He will only be infuriated if you threaten to leave.

My mind was made up that enough was enough when one night after one of my husband's drinking and womanizing binges, he became so violent that he had his hands around my neck, choking the life out of me. It just happened that the kids started crying and hitting him and trying to make him stop. (I had stayed and tried and tried till I had THREE children!) And all because I said, "I've got to have some money for milk for the baby."

But he'd drunk it all up or bought beer for everyone in the danged beer joint, and claimed he had no money left out of a whole payday! He yelled, "I am the man of this house! It's MY money! I'll do with it what I want to do. If you don't like it, then there's the door!"

When I then asked, "What will I put in the baby's bottle?" And how will we pay our house payment that's already a month over due?" and that's when he tried to choke me to death.

I have never told this on this board. I have my testimony on here, but I left out some things, like this. It is long enough as it is. We did not have shelters to go to back then. So, being scared for my life, I went to a lawyer.

I'm telling you, get out before he does something like that to you!

If that is that case than there is something very spiritually disturbing inside of him, its gonna take alot of work and more communication on your part in order to get through this. These could be past issues that he has never dealt with and is now coming to the surface. It could be something you do that is not bad and are totally unaware of that might trigger this, it might be his job, there are several things. Talk this out with him find out what it is that is making him turn this way so that you guys can deal with it.

You said: Talk this out with him find out what it is that is making him turn this way so that you guys can deal with it.

I'm telling you, she could sit there, trying to TALK, and he could start throwing things, and kill her before they can TALK IT OUT.

Let him be alone for awhile, without his family, and LATER....talk, with other people present.

It matters not to me if it is a pastor present, or a counselor, or a lawyer, or someone from the shelter. But I offer talk to him ONLY with others present. His fuse is short. It may not take hardly anything to trigger it and make him explode and he has already threatened to KILL her and the children, then himself.
RUN! God does not expect you to stay in that kind of marriage! The best way to get out is contact a womans shelter and that way he can't hunt you down. Don't walk in guilt sister - walk in freedom!


I AGREE 100%....
thats horrible advice

Followtheway, you have never been in this situation, have you?? it is NOT horrible advise.

There is a man all over the news now, right now, a marine with a wife and a 9 year old boy and an 11 year old boy. Well, his wife and the 2 boys were found strangled to death in their beds, as they slept. The marine, it is being reported, has another girlfriend (a stripper!). Just today, he has been charged with the strangulation deaths of not only his wife, but his 2 sons also!

Oh, by the way, the husband who's been charged is an employ of Joyce Myers Ministry, and apparently a Christian and in church all the time...with his family.

You said to The Innkeeper: thats horrible advice! Well, what's your advise to this lady? Just what do YOU say she should do? Stay there and possibly be killed? Along with her children?

Mama bear, do you work? If so, the shelter may have to advise you about things like that, too. He would know where you work. I don't know what they do in cases like that, when you hold down a job.

But, make arrangements to leave this man. I pray he comes to his senses and repents and changes. But if not...then so be it. LEAVE, regardless of what he does. You have two children to protect from this violent behavior.

THEY are your first obligation.

[Lyndie]

If he has threatened you and your children, you need to leave. You are responsible for thier safety. IMO, separation is in order, and if he won't get help, divorce is the only other option. (Sadly, some people will say not to, but often they put more value on the 'marriage' than the people in the marriage.) Violence is never ever ok.

[Diggindeeper]

I have been replying as though you have 2 children, but I apologize. it looks like you have one child. Nevertheless, its time to go and take the child or children.

Hopefully, it will not come to divorce. But, I cannot begin to imagine that Christ Jesus would say to stay, no matter what. No. He would take you and your child by the hand and lead you out, to a safe place.

Keep us posted. We are concerned. And please know that I am praying. Praying for you and your child and your safety. Praying that your husband can change...which only Christ can help him do! Without the Lord's help, he may never change. I'm praying that your marriage and your home can make it. But, if it doesn't, do not risk your life or the safety of that precious child just to save the marriage.

One more thing...since he does control his actions while other people are around to see him or hear him, he knows he is getting away with this behavior. Maybe it boosts his male ego or something silly like that. But, he knows he can get away with it.

Don't help him hide his behavior! Don't enable him even one more time. Tell others! Tell your pastor. Tell your family. Tell friends. Even tell the police, if he starts it again before you get out. Tell them via 911! Tell them again when they get there. Let them SEE what all he has thrown around in his fit of rage. That is, if he does it again before you get yourself out.

Also, consider this. Your child is an eye witness to all these episodes. What kind of example is that for the child to follow?? Not a good one, for the child to think that's how husbands and wives are supposed to act! Think of your child. Is the child supposed to be thinking, Dads are supposed to scream and yell and throw things around if Mommy makes him mad, or if he just gets mad about something.

Please consider what you child is seeing and living in.........

[Vhayes]

I would echo DigginDeeper in this. Your child is observing all of this. He is learning that it's just fine and dandy to have no respect for you. That may well effect your child throughout his life.

Your first obligation is to your child for his safety. Children are given to us to teach and cherish and love, not to be abused and harmed.

I hope this doesn't come across as harsh in any way because it isn't meant to be. I'll be praying for you and your situation.

Blessing and comfort to you -
V

[EastTexasGal]

First of all, I don't have any advice.....it would be hard to give it with the few facts presented. Nor do I consider myself an expert in this area.

But some folks are answering without reading. In the first post mommabear states that all her children are grown.

[Vhayes]

Well, if he's threatened to kill them it doesn't really matter whether they are grown or not, at least to me. Adult children watching a man verbally abuse their mother with no repercussions would be, well, debilitating emotionally. They will probably carry that over into their relationships, or at least the fall out from it.

But you are correct - none of us are experts and we need to make sure this woman knows that. These are our opinions based on what we would do (or think we would do) given the same set of circumstances. Thanks for bringing that up.
V

[moonglow]

First of all, I don't have any advice.....it would be hard to give it with the few facts presented. Nor do I consider myself an expert in this area.

But some folks are answering without reading. In the first post mommabear states that all her children are grown.

Yea I had started to respond on one of my post too thinking she had at least one child at home...but then I went back because I thought she had said they were grown...so the threats towards her and her son had happened in the past...that was a little confusing because it appeared that was current.

Anyway mommabear I agree with DigginDeeper, he could get physical violent if you try to confront his behavior and its better to make a plan on leaving. What I have read in the past is women in abusive situations should get a suitcase and start putting in it important papers you will need, bank statements, Social sercruity numbers, birth certificate, insurance information, etc, and start setting aside some money too, either open a seperate account or hide some cash in the house. Also if you are taking any medication make sure you have the RX numbers too this way if you have to leave quickly you can grab the suitcase and go and not have to leave without this stuff because he may not let you back to get anything. This is what they tell women who are in truly dangerous situations..life threatening...or at least the threat of being physical hurt.

You might also talk to a lawyer about what your rights are too even in a legal separation situation.

Verbal abuse can be as bad as physical abuse at it does so much emotional damage and can take years to recover from. Of course no one wants you to stay in an abusive situation and some of the advise on here might not have been the best for your situation. We really needed more information..its hard to give advise on what little you have told us. Biblically, IF possible, its best to try to work things out and avoid a divorce...this is why most of the time we say to try counseling and even separation first. None of us wants you to stay in this kind of situation though for sure. My ex was very verbally abuses too so I know what its like. He also committed adultery and biblically had the right to divorce him for that...I have the right to remarry without it being adultery (though some don't think so..doesn't matter though as I am not seeking to remarry anyway).

We are praying for you. Let us know how you are doing.

God bless

[Urban Missionary]

3) Divorce NO, but separate for a period of time so that both of you can evaluate what each other means in your life. Separation has a wonderful way to give both of you the needed kick in butt to come to a consensus

I would LOVE to see scripture that backs up a "separation"...

Run, run fast and run hard if you believe his threat against you and your son to be credible. The Bible allows for divorce for multiple reasons, not just adultery. I am a pastor and I would give the same advice to ANY member of my flock, RUN!

I have lost too many members to violent deaths, many of them because of or by their spouse.

You are not under bondage to stay married.