Step Father's godly responsibilities

[fisherofmen]

My Wife and I married 11 months ago and now are at the end of our ropes!
Both of us were widowed losing our spouses in tragic accidents. My Wife was left with a now soon to be 19yr old, living at home and adopted from birth son. We discussed the issue of a teen and blended family. My wife was married to a Pastor and I am one as well. I have ministered to many teens in crisis due to blended family issues. I spent 10yrs as a Chaplain for a ministry that worked with troubled teens in crisis locked up in the juvenile system. Most all their issues started at home.
My step son went to his room at 14yrs old after his adopted father died, His Mother my wife went to another room to grieve and here we are 5 yrs later, trying to move on with life and a 19yr old who has had little instruction as a teen.
Our discussion before marriage was the future of my soon to be step son. I was assured by Mom that when he turned 18yrs old he would "probably move to Grand Mother's home or go to tech school. 18 came shortly after our marriage and 19 is one month away. Still at home with not much motivation toward the future.
Mother admits she was never the one to discipline; I have watched a pattern over the past year and Mom tells her son what to do but he shows little to no respect for her and never complies.
I immediately put positive things in his life, showed him I cared and would help him if he only would help himself. We pushed him to get his GED, a driver's licenses, a part time job and almost got him enrolled in Tech school. He backed out of our attempts to get him in school. He is addicted to x box live, spends all his spare time on it. He texts people all over the US day and most of the night. Very seldom goes any place with any friends. He had been allowed to bring much graphic, violent type of dark movies into the home.
We (I thought agreed to put more structure with consequences in his life in hopes to prepare him for the world). His room was worst then most bad teen behavior. Wouldn't do his laundry, mom usually had to finish it. The disrespect He showed to his mother was very hurtful and I had to struggle not to take it personally.
Since mom was not holding him accountable I told her that I would and showed her the rules with consequences.
It only took about one week and I had removed the TV from his room. Very angry reaction; but displayed inwardly. He was so inward and has taken in so much darkness that i was concerned for my safety and started sleeping with a locked bed room door an night. A week later lost the privilege of the internet. I warned mom it would probably look ugly for a while. We did see progress and a room like mom had never seen before. He just needed accountability.
But then mom caved in on me and fell apart; saying you are being over the top, accused of being legalistic and she said that she was told by a "degreed" counselor that the mom should make the rules, discipline and I should just support her. The problem is that Mom has never and doesn't seem capable of accountability to this son. I have been accused of wanting him out of the home. I have said it was my goal to help him become self sufficient and to be able to stand on his own; I also have confessed it was never my intentions to have him live with us for a long period of time. Mom now feels that if she can get him in Tech school that we should provide a home for him for the next 4yrs. This young man has a structured settlement for his entire life since his mother died at birth. He started paying his mother rent each month and now thinks he can do as he pleases. The amount he pays is not much.
I desire to have a godly home according to God's word and do feel since he is not a juvenile that I should be able to provide God ordained structure in the home. If one of my grandsons of the same age came to stay with us they would understand the rules and know for a fact that if they failed they would have to leave.
My wife and I have separated over the issue! For sure it was quick to see that my wife did not trust me enough. She is now looking for answers to prove she is right. At this point my eyes have been opened! and am not sure I could live in the same home with this young man.
Should a man have the responsibility for the home? I have read all the related scripture and thought I was allowing godly love for Mom and Son be my motivation. Now it appears I have come between Mom and Son and am now the odd man out!
Kicked to the curb

[livingwaters]

I pray that our Lord will give you the wisdom and knowledge to deal with this situation...satan is soooooo very busy tearing families apart. I bind the spirit of evil and destruction that is in this home and in this young adult, in Jesus' name to be totally destroyed and cast into the abyss. Father, YOU deal in these issues and we know that YOU who dwell in us is greater than he that is in this world. I pray, Father that YOUR mighty hand deal with satan as only YOU can, and restore this family to YOUR biblical standards. I pray all these things in Jesus' name. Amen.:pray::pray::pray:

God Bless

[DaniHansen]

I read your story and my heart was just breaking for you and your family.

I don't personally believe in step-parents. God doesn't have step-children, and neither should we. My husband and I consider all of our kids, our kids; especially when they're under our roof, and when they're with us and we're responsible for their well-being; then the authority to see to that well-being goes with it. Of course my "step" kids have a mom, and I'm not going to go step on her feet and usurp some title or place that isn't mine, nor am I trying to replace her in any way, but authority is authority, and our home is our home, and so it's nothing personal.

Nobody is saying that by your providing guidance and discipline to that young man, he has to forget about his dad and leave his childhood memories in the dust. You can be a father figure without him having to stop loving his deceased dad or disregarding his memories. Sometimes we can misunderstand these things and end up creating inner conflicts where there doesn't have to be one.

Your wife should certainly have let you take authority of your own home because from your description, nothing you did was out of order at all. It's too bad that she allowed her guilt and whatever other feelings to trump reason and the unity of your marriage. I understand that a situation like that is exceedingly difficult for all involved, but you had an agreement before entering marriage, and that should have been upheld, and only changed with both parties being on the same page about it instead of decisions being made over your head.

I pray your wife comes to her senses. In the meantime I would encourage you to give the whole situation into God's hands and seek counseling for your personal sanity, and perhaps encourage your wife to attend counseling with you in a neutral setting so you can get on the same page, because you will still have a marriage after her son moves out, for the rest of your lives, and she has to consider that fact instead of being short-sighted. It is obvious that you love your wife and step-son very much, enough to put yourself on the line to at least attempt much-needed guidance and correction. I think it's important in this situation to not pass blame or guilt but to fight for your family and cry out to God to make things right for all involved. Because nobody should have to ever decide between their kids and their spouse; that creates nothing but rifts and heartaches. She can be your wife and his mother; she just needs to release that inner conflict because there doesn't have to be one. The decision should always happen for God and His order and our commitment to Him when we enter the covenant of marriage and be parents to our children. And to trust Him that He can work out situations for the benefit of all involved, and bring His will to pass and guide us and our children to where we need to be, according to His own plan. When we side ourselves with God then we will always win. :)

We have pastors on staff here and if you desire counsel in a more private setting, then please feel free to start a thread in our Chat to Moderators or Chat to Ministers section.

[My_King]

What a very difficult situation to be in........

I'm too, praying for your family.

[Partaker of Christ]

"Come let us reason together"

Authority is not given to lord it over someone.

Have you thought about all three sitting around the table, and establishing the home rules?

Including the young man in establishing the home rules, is not necessarily giving in to him, but training him up, for when he eventually sets up his own home.

Sometimes it is not 'the rule' that is the problem. Sometimes it is just because it is a rule.
Involving him in making the rules, will help value the need for rules.

Home rules are for the benefit of all.

[fisherofmen]

The three of us have sit down several times and talked about house rules. The reason being so I would not be lording over either; mom or son but to help them understand a christian approach. My step son is very difficult to talk with and says very little. Mom on the other hand seemed to be in agreement until the son rebelled against the rules and consequences. Now Mom's focus is on all that is wrong with me instead of the son!